Awake Unto Me (21 page)

Kerry shook herself and said aloud, startling the cook next to her, “No. I’m dreaming, surely.”

*

In the elevator on the way back to Letty’s room, Kerry had entirely convinced herself Letty was just lonely and self-absorbed. When she walked in, Letty was in exactly the same state as she had left her hours before—sitting in bed, primly attired. This time, though, her eyes were shining and her complexion had taken on a slight glow. She watched as Kerry crossed the room.

“You’re still dressed for the kitchen.” Kerry heard the teasing in her voice.

“I’m sorry. I wasn’t able to change. I didn’t bring my street clothes today,” Kerry said, humbly. She didn’t add that it was easier to go about the city disguised as a young man while wearing her uniform.

Kerry sat down at the small table in the middle of the room, suddenly tongue-tied. Letty smiled at her patiently, and she finally summoned up a question to fill the yawning silence.

“Are you here for a holiday?”

“I—” she paused, curiously at a loss for words. But then she continued with more confidence. “Yes. I’m up from Sacramento for the week.”

Kerry’s ears picked up a false note somewhere in Letty’s conventional sentence.

“It’s rather odd, isn’t it, to come to San Francisco by yourself? Not very enjoyable, I would imagine.”

“My Aunt Grace lives here in the city,” Letty said finally.

“But you’re not staying with her?”

“You are interrogating me, Mr. Kerrie.”

“Miss Letty,” Kerry said, in a low firm tone. “What is it you want from me? You have invited me to come to your room. You’re not dressed to go out. Are you ill? Shall I summon a doctor?”

“Nooo. No, indeed.”

“Then what may I do for you?” Kerry asked, sitting next to Letty on the bed.

Letty tentatively ran her hand along Kerry’s arm from her elbow to her wrist. Kerry felt the jolt of arousal and surprise at the same time. She had expected to be slapped, or at least told definitely to move back to her seat across the room. She froze. Letty was looking at her with a clear expression of desire in her hazel eyes.
Hazel eyes. Beth’s eyes are hazel
. She dragged Letty into a close embrace and kissed her neck. Letty’s arms wrapped around her shoulders. Kerry thought, Any moment, she is going to know whom she embraces. Then she will surely reject me.

Letty sagged in surrender in Kerry’s arms and under Kerry’s lips. She clasped her more tightly, her fingers dug into the smooth muscles next to Kerry’s spine. Kerry moved away quickly, pulled the bed covers down, and pressed down on Letty’s yielding body. She dared to push Letty’s nightgown up a short way to stroke her bare leg.

She turned rigid where she had been yielding. Kerry propped herself up on her hands and looked into Letty’s eyes searchingly. Then she rolled on her side but didn’t break eye contact.

“You are…” Letty asked.

Kerry could see the shock of disbelief in her expression. “Yes, I am.”

“Yet another subterfuge?” Letty asked, her fingers fluttering lightly over Kerry’s sleeve.

“I again apologize. But do you wish me to leave?”

Letty slowly shook her head. Kerry kissed her very softly. Letty sighed and moaned and returned the kiss fervently.

It greatly aroused Kerry and she kissed Letty even more fervently. Suddenly, though, the thought of Beth leaped into her mind.

“Oh, Beth, I love you. I can’t do this. I want to but I can’t
.
”

“Wha-wha did you say?” Letty gasped.

Kerry didn’t realize she’d spoken out loud. She sat up and let Letty’s limp body fall back on the bed.

“I’m sorry. This isn’t what you really want. You
are
very lovely.” Kerry tenderly brushed her hand over Letty’s hair and then her cheek. “I once again need to apologize. I’m going to leave you now.”

Letty partially sat up and propped her back against the pillows. “You are a disappointment all the way around then, aren’t you?” She was clearly angry now.

“You would regret it and you would blame me.” Kerry was suddenly feeling quite relieved. She had come close to doing something she would have regretted. “I must leave now.” She left the room with Letty staring longingly at her as she gently shut the door.

*

Kerry walked home from the hotel, although it took almost two hours from downtown at Second Street back to her home at the Grants’ in the Western Addition. She had made no promises to Beth, nor had Beth made any to her, but it would have been a betrayal to make love to anyone else, even if Beth never knew. It was Beth and Beth alone she wanted, though the thought caused her nothing but despair
. None of this matters, for she doesn’t love me and will never love me. So does this mean I’ll never know love? Never touch a woman again? If Beth doesn’t want me the way I want her, why shouldn’t I be with someone else?

That night, Kerry was restless and wakeful much as when Beth was sleeping with her. Touching Letty had aroused her awareness of her body’s needs. She drifted between sleep and consciousness for a very long time. In her thoughts, Beth smiled at her tenderly and opened her arms, then her dress, in gentle invitation. Kerry’s fantasy took flight and she helped Beth remove her clothes to allow her free access to her body. Kerry embraced and caressed her with wonder. Beth’s eyes were closed but her lips were parted and her breathing quickened.

Kerry awakened, gasping, suddenly at the precise point where she would have begun to lead Beth to the final gratification her hand was seeking. She was shocked and then cruelly disappointed to find herself totally alone, her mind echoing the dreams and her body thrumming with unfulfilled lust.

After the first frenzied week, life aboard the
Golden Gate
at anchor in Manila Bay was just as boring as the voyage over had been. The army had secured the city months before and they were now occupied elsewhere, mostly chasing the Filipino insurgents who, after throwing off their Spanish overlords, were not prepared to accept the Americans. When they weren’t treating the minor mishaps of the army occupation forces, the medical staff occupied themselves exploring the city. Manila was a fascinating combination of Spanish and Oriental influences.

When the members of the medical staff were still home in the Presidio they were, in spite of the conditions, spared the horrendous epidemics that their counterparts back East had had to deal with, but they treated a few cases of pneumonia, measles, and typhoid. In the tropics, however, diseases multiplied. The soldiers were without defense in the alien environment. They ate all sorts of foods and indiscriminately drank dirty water. Thanks to Nurse Reynolds, Beth was able to observe a couple of surgeries: one for appendicitis and one for a gunshot. The
Golden Gate
was also equipped with the latest medical marvel—the X-ray machine. Nurses were not permitted to operate it, but they could, with the doctor, examine its results: the miraculously clear vista of the mysterious interior of the human body.

Beth was interested in the surgical aspects of nursing, but her real love was disease and its treatment. She followed Addison about the wards filled with soldiers suffering from typhoid, malaria, and yellow fever. She learned to use even more precautions. She had to take the quinine the soldiers were given to prevent becoming sickened by malaria. She washed her hands obsessively and harangued the hospital corpsmen to do the same. After observing a couple of their more careless counterparts grow ill because they ignored her, they were more obedient.

About three weeks after their arrival, Nurse Reynolds called the nurses together. “There has been an outbreak of typhoid at the fort at Cavite. The commander there will be evacuating all the sick troops, hundreds of them, and they will all be coming here.”

Nurse Reynolds silenced the murmurs of dismay and issued orders to various people. Addison would be attending as the doctor in charge, which made the situation a little less frightening. Beth spared a quick thought for Kerry, wishing she could talk to her about this latest development. Kerry would have known exactly what to say, how to calm her.

*

Beth was roused by the nurse she was to replace. It was dark already, and when she hurried from her stateroom along the outer deck up to the ward, the lights of the city were sparkling on Manila Bay. She hardly noticed; she was attempting to force her weary mind into some action.

If I can at least think, I can work
. Her mouth was cottony; she hadn’t taken time to clean her teeth. She’d slept in her clothes to save time. She stopped at the galley, however, and got a cup of the strong navy coffee from the cook, who grinned at her. She refused his offer of whiskey.

She went from bed to bed checking her patients. She read the notes listing their last measured temperatures and urine output. She set to work to bathe the most feverish and to give some light food to those who would take it. A very sleepy corpsman made a mixture of egg whites and whiskey in the little hospital kitchen. She finally sat down next the bed of a fair-haired young man who was especially restless. He was mostly out of his senses and gibbering in delirium, but when she touched his forehead, he quieted. She had to leave frequently to take temperatures or administer other baths or ointments, but she always returned to him.

She was dozing when Addison came at dawn to make his rounds. “Nurse?”

She heard a voice and felt a hand on her shoulder. She woke up abruptly. Addison looked at her sharply but not unkindly. She could see his hollow eyes and felt guilty she had dozed off.

“Report?” he asked abruptly. Beth took up the chart and read. They went to each bed on her side.

“Do you need relief?” Addison looked at her closely.

“No, Doctor. I apologize for falling asleep. If you’ll allow me to obtain a coffee, I’ll be back in just a moment.”

“Very well,” he said, giving her shoulder a soft squeeze before turning to the other side of the ward, which was under Nurse Trenton’s care.

Beth gulped down a cup of coffee and hoped it would have some effect. She was in that stage of sleep deprivation where one is numb to nearly everything. The training helps,
she thought. We learn the routines so well we don’t have to be really awake to be able to perform them. She didn’t remember the last time she’d slept a night through.

After a few days, the situation stabilized and the weary staff was able to rest some. Beth and Addison took a round of her patients. At each bed, they stopped and Beth reported. Along with the usual facts on each man’s temperature, urine output, and whether he had managed to eat anything, Beth talked about the patients’ responses to medicine and dosages. After they had come to the fourth man, Addison turned and looked at her curiously.

“You’ve a real feel for the treatment of disease. You absorb far more facts than any nurse, and you think, by God. It’s not all rote to you, is it, Nurse Hammond?”

“I don’t know, Doctor. It’s my duty to be well informed on each man so I can help you.”

“And you are, Nurse, but it’s more than that. Have you ever thought of becoming a doctor?”

Beth stared at him. Such a thought had never crossed her mind.
Me? A doctor?

“Do think about it, and if the thought appeals to you, we may discuss it further when this ghastly war is over.” Addison and Beth completed their round and he went on to the other part of the ward.

When Beth was relieved, she went back to her quarters and lay down to try to sleep. It was impossible. Her body was exhausted but her mind refused to give up. Addison’s suggestion that she go to medical school and become a doctor was almost more than she could absorb. She concluded that she had to think about it and to ask Kerry what she thought.

When she was back on duty the next day, she went around to each bed. They were strong young men and many of them were beginning to recover. Their fevers were lower and they had started to respond to the care. The night shift had obviously done a thorough cleaning. The smell of sickness, of vomit, sweat, and human waste had greatly lessened, and what was left was overlaid with disinfectant. Beth scarcely noticed it.

She reached the fair-haired soldier, who surprisingly opened his eyes and smiled at her.

“It wasn’t a dream, then?” he asked in a whisper. “I believed I was dead and an angel was caring for me. But it appears I’m not dead, though you indeed are an angel.”

“Soldier, you’re not dead in the least, but I’m not an angel. I’m a nurse.”

“Then you’re the equal to any angel.” He managed a slightly raffish grin.

“Please rest. You have typhoid and”—she reached for his chart—“your temperature was 104 two hours ago.” She took his temperature again, and he eyed her solemnly like an obedient child.

“Very good.” She smiled encouragingly. “It’s now only 100. You will recover.”

He sighed and said, “Lieutenant Roland Evers, ma’am. Pleased to meet…” Then he fell asleep. Beth shook her head and went on to the next bed.

Several days later, the typhoid patients who had survived were much better.

When Beth reached Lieutenant Evers’s bed, his eyes lit up. He shyly asked if she would read to him. She agreed when she had the time. Surprisingly he had some books with him. Beth realized that, unlike many of the army men, the lieutenant was educated.