Avoiding Commitment (55 page)

“Whatever,” Chyna stated dismissively.
“Alexa, hey, look at me.” Chyna gently turned her head to face her.
Lexi’s brown eyes were blank and bloodshot as if she had been
crying, but every other indication was vacant. “What happened?”
Lexi stared at her friend. “It’s okay. You can tell me if you want,
but you don’t have to.”

Lexi could tell she was worried. Chyna’s
voice was cracking with concern. She had never seen Lexi this way.
That’s because Lexi had never felt this way. She felt comatose, as
if she no longer needed anything to sustain her body. She could
stare off into open space indefinitely and nothing else would
matter. Maybe nothing else did matter.

“Chica, can you even hear me?” Lexi hadn’t
noticed that she had still been talking. What was so important? She
wanted to drift away...far away from this time and place. “Alexa,
wake up. What has gotten into you?” she asked shaking her shoulders
gently. She felt her head loll back and forth as her neck lost
control of keeping her head upright. She still didn’t make a move
to speak up. Chyna looked to be near to tears and there was nothing
Lexi could or would do about it. She wanted to be left alone. “I
just...I don’t know what to do with her,” she murmured standing and
speaking to Lexi’s roommates. “What could have happened to
her?”

Chyna jumped backwards as a knock sounded
from the front door. Rachelle crossed the room swiftly and gasped
as it swung open.

“You son of a bitch,” Chyna cried stalking
across the space. “What the hell did you do to her, Jack?”

“I...Lex,” he murmured softly glancing around
Chyna at Lexi’s near statuesque form.

Lexi glanced up for the first time feeling as
if she had been awakened from a dream. She hadn’t expected to ever
hear her name uttered by his voice ever again. “Jack.”

He attempted to enter the apartment, but
Chyna blocked his way. “How dare you think you can walk back into
her life like this! She’s been sitting like a completely
unresponsive rock for the past seven hours because of you...and you
think...”

“Chyna, cut it out,” Lexi commanded her voice
weak but controlled. “Let him in.”

“Are you sure?” Chyna asked biting down on
her lip. It looked like the last thing she wanted to do in the
whole wide world.

“Yes.” That settled it and she moved away
letting him enter the dorm. Rachelle shut the door behind him and
quickly made her, Claire, and Elizabeth
very
busy. Chyna
stood by ostensibly, ready to pounce at any second in the event
that he hurt her friend again. Lexi sighed. “I’m alright, Chyna.
You can go. I know you’re supposed to be meeting with Frederick
today. He hates when you’re late.”

“He can deal,” she grumbled not budging.

“Go. I won’t have him angry with me. I’ll
call you if I need you.” Chyna looked anxious about the situation
but, eventually, nodded and left.

Lexi noticed how bad she ached all over for
the first time since that morning. She had never fixed her
dehydration problem and every muscle in her body was crying out
from thirst. Her eyelids were heavy and pink lips chapped. Her back
ached from sitting ramrod straight for seven hours. Most of all,
her heart hurt terribly. She had closed off her emotions when he
had walked out the door, but now with him standing in front of her,
it all came back in a wave. Her heart was tearing, breaking, being
shred to pieces, and it was unlike anything she had ever
experienced. She wanted to gasp out in pain, but she kept her mouth
closed and held in her aches. Jack had come here for a reason, and
she wanted to know what that reason was.

“You said if I had something more to talk to
you about...anything better that I should come back,” he told her
speaking quietly as he sat next to her on the couch.

“It took you seven hours to think of
something good enough to say to me?” she whispered, her voice
raspy.

“Please, Lex,” he pleaded his blue eyes
boring into her.

“Go ahead.”

Jack took a deep breath before speaking.
“I’ve always been the kind of person who believed that I’d never
find someone I wanted to commit to. That after all the shit I went
through with my parents’ divorce, I’d never want to be with someone
indefinitely. I’d never see another person as anything more than a
divorce waiting to happen. I pushed every person I’ve ever been
with away from me, and for what?

“I did it, because I was scared. I did it,
because I was selfish. I wanted everything and really all I was
doing was accepting nothing. And you…you, my dear,” he said his
hands reaching for her cheek but dropping before he reached her. “I
hurt you more than all of them. I lied, cheated, and took you for
granted. You were it for me, and I managed to even fuck that
up.

“I fuck up, because I don’t know how to do
anything else. I’m worthless. I’m less than worthless. I should
never have been in a relationship in the first place. If anyone had
known what I was capable of, they would have run. But you knew and
you stuck by me. You put up with me even when you had no reason to.
I know I’m terrible at showing it but I do love you. I want you to
know that you have my heart. You always have and you always
will.”

“Jack, how can you say that to me?” Lexi
asked fighting back tears.

“Because it’s the truth,” he murmured.

“But you’ve never been able to show that to
me.”

“I might be able to.” Her eyes narrowed
suspiciously. Jack’s hand went to his pocket and dug around for a
second before retrieving a tiny black box. Lexi gasped as her eyes
took on the shape of a jewelry box.

“What...what’s in there?” she asked her voice
shaking. Her eyes were wide with wonder and a hint of fear.

He cracked the box open revealing an
exquisite princess cut diamond with a string of matching diamonds
on either side. The band was pure white gold. It had an old timey
feel to it, but Lexi had never laid her eyes on a more beautiful
ring. “This was what I was going to give to you to prove that you
have my heart.”

Lexi hand flew to her mouth in shock. She
couldn’t help shaking her head in disbelief. No. Not now. Not after
everything. She couldn’t drag her eyes away from the amazing
diamond.

“No,” she murmured.

He nodded picking the ring up out of the box
and twirling it around between his fingers. “I know I don’t deserve
you, Lex.”

“No,” she muttered again.

“I know,” he said nodding. “This was my
grandma’s ring. My mom gave it to me over my brothers, because she
knew that I would choose someone who really mattered to me, not
just the first person who came along.”

“Jack, please, just stop.”

He seemed to ignore her. “Now I wasn’t
planning to show this to you, but,” he looked up from the ring into
her wide-eyed brown orbs, “this was meant for you. Only you.”

“No.”

“But either way, that was what I had to tell
you to show you my heart,” he whispered.

“How could you do this now?” she murmured,
tears forming in her eyes even though she had told herself over and
over that she wouldn’t cry.

“It was the only thing I could think of,” he
said snapping the box shut and stuffing it hastily back in his
pocket.

“What does this mean?” she couldn’t help
asking.

“I took a job in Atlanta. I won’t be a burden
on you any longer. I can see what I did to you, what I continue to
do to you, and I won’t let that continue to happen. I fucked
everything up by sleeping with Stella, and I know that. I’ll never
forgive myself, and I don’t exactly expect you to forgive me.”

“Atlanta?” she asked her voice coming out
strangled. “I thought you got turned down.”

“The man that I interviewed with last night
suggested me to a friend and as long as I’m in Atlanta by tomorrow
night I have the job. It was a last minute kind of thing,” he told
her.

“All of this was for nothing?”

“No, it made me realize what I did to you.
And I’m not going to do it again. So this is good-bye. I’ll try not
to bother you again. I love you, Lex,” he said planting a sweet
kiss on her lips.

She could barely function right now. He was
leaving her after all. They weren’t going to be able to get through
this. Even though she thought they would be able to work it out,
they would never be given the chance. And as she watched him walk
out her door, she truly knew that she would never ever hear from
him again.

CHAPTER 23

PRESENT

Lexi slipped inside Ramsey’s town house
carefully positioning herself where he couldn’t get a look at her
back. She sucked her bottom lip into her mouth wincing at the
extreme tenderness. Ramsey glanced in her direction, and she
instantly moved to cover her throat with her hair. No need for him
to ask questions. It would really just be an unnecessary hassle.
And, in either case, it wasn’t something she could explain.

She stood by the stairs and waited for him to
go first. She followed behind closely ducking into the guest
bedroom where he stood against the doorframe.

“I’ll get you something to sleep in,” he told
her a smile playing across his features.

“Uh…thanks,” she stated awkwardly turning to
face him in the doorway. She liked the smile he was sending her
way. It was very…sincere. He looked as if he genuinely did not want
to be any place else in the world at that moment. He would be
content standing in the doorway staring into her face for eternity.
He wasn’t even pressuring her to feel anything more, just to look
at him. And, man, was he attractive.

Lexi’s stomach twisted at the thought. She
did not want to be thinking these types of thoughts around Ramsey.
He disoriented her in a completely different manner than she was
used to. Jack tilted her completely off balance. She couldn’t
think…she could hardly breathe around him. It was as if her orbit
shifted around him.

With Ramsey she could feel a sense of
equality about their movements as if the world was in the right
place again. He revolved around her, and she matched his movements.
It was a completely new experience. And also terribly frightening
to know that she could have such a connection to someone she had
just met…to someone she hadn’t even particularly liked up until
tonight. She couldn’t think about that right now. Tonight, of all
nights, she needed to keep her wits about her.

She stood motionless in the doorway as Ramsey
fetched her clothes. She couldn’t help thinking about the events of
the night and how they had unraveled.

The sex was never supposed to happen. She
just wasn’t capable of controlling her actions around him. Turning
Jack down was the hardest thing she ever tried to do. No matter how
many times they had fucked up together, she never found it easier
to break free from him. There was always Jack. Even after the crazy
sex and horrible things he had said to her, she couldn’t think
about giving him up. He had told her that none of it mattered, and
it didn’t change anything.

How could none of it matter?

How could the sex not alter his decision in
the slightest?

Lexi couldn’t wrap her mind around that
concept. Sure she had been sleeping with Jack for years, but it’s
not like the sex never mattered. She had held out on him for a year
a half, granted they hadn’t been together the whole time. No, they
had never been together. He had made that perfectly clear when he
walked out that door…when he ran.

Her face darkened at the painful memory. She
typically kept it under lock and key where no one could access it.
But with everything that had gone on tonight, she couldn’t hold it
together. Her jaw was clenched tight and her eyes had the
remembered look of agony. All she wanted to do was keep from crying
until Ramsey brought her something to change into.

Just then he walked around the corner and
down the hall. Lexi quickly recovered hoping that her expression
was as neutral as possible, but she could see that he wasn’t
fooled.

“Thanks,” she muttered yanking the clothes
out of his hand and slamming the door quickly.

Lexi smacked her head back against the door
instantly regretting her actions. Reaching her hand back to touch
her head, she found a small knot forming where it had been knocked
against concrete. As if her problems weren’t enough, now every bump
and bruise would remind her of Jack. Great!

She groaned as she forced her body to stand
back up. Hugging her arms tightly around her body, she moved in
front of the full-length mirror pinned against the wall. Lexi
gently pulled down the side zipper on her now ruined dress. The
silky material slid off her narrow hips and pooled at her feet. She
unclasped her black, strappy, high heels and kicked them off. Her
strapless bra followed. Lexi turned from side to side examining the
damage. She could see little bruised indentions in her thighs where
Jack’s hands had held her up. Her lip was turning a slight shade of
purple, but her neck wasn’t quite as bad as she had anticipated.
Her back was scratched, but not red and puffy like before. In the
dim lighting, the rest of her body looked nearly normal.

This allowed a small smile to cross her face.
Their indiscretions wouldn’t be as noticeable as she thought. Her
aches were at a minimum, and she would be as fit as ever in a
couple days.

The smile dropped off her face and the tears
began to well in her eyes. She allowed them to flow freely down her
cheeks, cursing herself for feeling the emotions she was
encountering.

This might be her last reminder of Jack.

He had said that he still needed time to
think, but didn’t she, of all people, know better? Jack didn’t
think. He acted. He did exactly what he wanted when he wanted to,
and since he had done that with her, he had received everything he
had endeavored towards.