Atonement (8 page)

“Reese. Oh thank God. ‘She’s here, I’ll call you back,’ Reese!” She hung up her phone and headed straight for me. “Where have you been? Are you okay?” She was looking at me with pure fear and relief at the same time.

I simply stared at her with a nonchalant look on my face. Shrugging my shoulders, I said “I’m back, you should be in class.”

“Oh don’t you dare Reese. I’ve been worried out of my mind for what could have happened to you.”

“It sucks not knowing the truth doesn’t it? Worse yet, it hurts when someone deliberately hides things from you, don’t you think Elle?” I was truly hurt and I felt like Elle had taken our sacred friendship and sold it to the highest bidder…in this case, John.

“Reese, please don’t hate me. I was just answering the questions of a man who LOVES my best friend, a man who would give his right arm for her. I was merely keeping him content with information about you, in case your over-possessive boyfriend flipped his wig and went crazy on you. And it paid off too. I can’t apologize for helping take care of you.”

“Uh, you’re the crazy one Elle. I don’t see how that’s ‘taking care’ of me in the least! You basically were interfering with my life behind my back. What happened to us telling each other everything? I trusted you. Our friendship can never be the same.” Then I burst out in tears. “It can never be the same,” I whispered sitting down on my bed with my face in my hands. I meant everything had changed, Tate and me, and now Elle and me.

Elle sat down beside me throwing her arms around my shoulders “Oh Reese, it
will
be okay, you’ll see. It’ll all work out. Have faith, okay. I’m sorry if I hurt you. You’re my best friend and I only want to help you…ever. There is never a time in my life that you won’t be my best friend, no matter what you say about it.”

She was saying all the right things, but I was still heartbroken over her betrayal, her disloyal actions to our forever friendship. I wasn’t sure when, or if I could ever get over it.

The days drug on. I was in a total funk, but I managed to go to class every day, and keep up with my homework. I avoided Tate’s calls, and texts. Elle did do me a favor by telling Finn if Tate came to see me, I would never forgive him. So, he kept his distance. However, he did send me flowers and a card…every day. I could also see him from a distance occasionally outside of my classrooms and dorm pretending not to watch me. Mostly though, I knew he was wrapped up in baseball. The thought of that turned my stomach, but I knew it was his future…and my past.

Elle told me each time John texted her. Word for word she read what he asked, then she asked my permission to send a response. He texted me as well, but I only sent one liner answers, like ‘I’m fine John, I hope you are’. That was totally a lie, I was dying day by day, but there was no need to alert John. I knew he would be by my side in an instant. I sort of wished he would, but I knew it was best to keep my space from relationships for a while.

My mom finally got me to admit what was happening between Tate and me. I hated to tell her again that I had broken up with Tate, but I knew it was better than making up
stories for how we were doing. I wasn’t sure what she would finally see on Facebook if he really started publically dating Lauren. Oh God, I broke down crying just thinking of how bad that would hurt me…deep to the core. In the end the truth hurt, but it
was
the truth no less. Our love had not been strong enough.

My sweet friends Maura and Chloe called too, reminding me how soon we would be enjoying our girl’s time during Spring break. Just one more week, and we would be in La Jolla in San Diego, California lying on the beach. I was looking forward to seeing my girls, although deep down, I wasn’t over Elle’s misuse of our trusting friendship. It still hurt, I felt it always would. It’s even worse to think our relationship would forever be changed. Waterworks again, for the second time today. Great, I might as well call my counselor. It had been a while, and I really needed some spiritual guidance. I also was praying harder and longer than usual. I felt like that
was
helping me gain ground on a desolate place in time.

Elle wasn’t sharing any updates regarding Tate with me. I knew she had plenty from Finn. Just thinking about my gorgeous Tate and Finn together…I felt the squeeze again in my heart. Oh Tate, I never thought you would tire of me so easily. Maybe I was wrong to make you wait for sex with me. No, that couldn’t be true. Better to learn now that he didn’t think I was worth the wait. Damn it hurt!

A day before we were supposed to leave on our trip, Elle came up to me with a newspaper in her hands. “Reese, I need to show you something about Tate, it’s going to really sting, but I need to keep everything in the open with you. I promised I would, and I always will.”

What could it be? I wasn’t sure, but I did actually appreciate Elle’s honesty. “Okay, I’m ready then, what is it?” I wasn’t sure now if I wanted full relinquishment of her knowledge of Tate, but I was thankful she felt a need to keep her promise. Maybe there was hope for us yet as best friends.

“Tate flew out yesterday afternoon for San Diego. He’s being heavily courted by the Padres for a rookie position on the team. This is one of the teams that Lauren’s dad has part-ownership in. So, there’s a story on the front page of the sports section in the San Diego Times about Tate. One of the lead pictures…Oh God Reese, I’m sorry to show you this…”

“Elle, please let me just see that…” Once my eyes focused on the picture... ‘Oh God’ was right. I gasped and my hand flew to my mouth. It couldn’t be. I nearly passed out, sliding down the edge of my bed to the floor. The picture was clear, Lauren had her arms around Tate…kissing him square on the lips. The caption read, ‘Tate Justice and girlfriend land in San Diego. Are they up for the life of the Pros?’

Oh. My. God. This couldn’t be real. I turned the paper in my hand to see if it was in fact a real newspaper. I wasn’t sure what I expected it to be, but this whole
thing
felt surreal. Tate was my boyfriend, wasn’t he? I had chills all over my body, then I went totally numb. My heart almost squeezed so tight I could barely breathe. In fact, I began to hyperventilate, I was sure I would pass out. I was shaking all over. The paper fell from my trembling fingers.

“Oh Reese, I shouldn’t have shown you. Hey, calm down…please! You have to calm down. Slow Reese. Breathe slowly. Take a breath in and hold it. You have to breathe in, BREATHE damn it!” Elle was hysterical now. She was so worried for me.
My eyes locked with Elle’s. I was pleading for her to make it go away…for it to not be true.

Suddenly my body reacted to her demand, and I was breathing again. My vision focused, and I began to cry. To wail actually, that’s what I started doing. I felt sorry for Elle suddenly. She had to witness this heartbreaking change in me.

Hugging me hard she was speaking soft, encouraging words in my ear. I relished the feeling of being comforted at this moment. I was sure this friendship and prayer was what I needed more than anything right now. Prayer that I could make it day by day, until my heart slowly healed. Although right now, I could scarcely see that ever happening.

I’m not sure why, but my first response was to call John. I know, I obviously wasn’t thinking clearly. But, I knew in my gut, that Tate and I were officially over. He had quickly moved on. Actually, I guess he had already moved on to Lauren, I just had yet to accept the truth until now. So I think I selfishly needed to know that John was still wanting my affection, still wanting…me.

“Reese. I can’t believe you called. Are you okay?” John had answered on the first ring, and didn’t even allow me a hello yet.

“Hi John.” I sounded stuffy. I felt sure he would know I had been crying. “Um, I’m okay…”

John quickly interrupted. “No you’re not Reese. I hear it in your voice. Is this about the newspaper? I saw it today. I know you might not believe this, but I am SO sorry Reese. I hate to think you’re hurting right now.”

“Yes,” I was crying now, “I’m sorry, I…it’s just so new for me, this information, I haven’t really had time for it to sink in
yet. I guess I know now, that Tate and I are over. I shouldn’t have called you…”

“Of course you should’ve called me Reese. Are you kidding? Please know that I’m glad you called…ecstatic actually.” I heard him cover the receiver and say something. Was he at work? “Can I come see you? Please Reese. I want to be there for you,” pleaded John.

“I would love to see you John, but I’m…leaving tomorrow to fly to La Jolla in California with the girls for Spring break. Maybe when I get back in a week? Would that be okay?” I really did want to see John.

“Ah Reese, you’re not going to believe this, but I actually have my ship docked in a slip in the Gaslamp district in downtown San Diego. It’s just a short driving distance from La Jolla. I was planning to go there the week after next, but if you’d be okay with it, I might just move my plans up a week.” John said with huge enthusiasm.

“Seriously, you could be in California this week? You’re right; I can’t believe the coincidence of you being in the same area as me, all the way across the country?” Wow, it really was a lot to take in. My heart was suddenly fluttering at the prospect of seeing John on a vacation again. Déjà vu for sure. This time though, I didn’t see it ending the same at all. I was sure there would be no rescue from Tate. As bad as I missed him, his touch, and his protection, I didn’t want to be his leftovers. He had moved on to Lauren. I guess I could move on to John. After all, a small piece of my heart already belonged to him. The other part had just died. It’s a shame we can’t grow new hearts.

“Reese, I think it would be fantastic. Please say you’ll let me wine and dine you this week. I’ll bring along the guys too. I think Maura and Harrison would be more than happy, and of course Brett would die to spend more time with Chloe. Hell,
I
miss Chloe and her mouth. She’s a lot of fun.” That she was, I couldn’t wait to see both Chloe and Maura tomorrow. My excitement was bubbling now. It felt strange to have a happy emotion again.

“I would love it John. I’m not sure about the yacht though. I’m not quite sure how I would feel about being back on there again. My panic mode might set in given what happened…well, you know.” I was skeptical, to say the least, about going back to where Sam had attacked me. It would be taking a chance even stepping back on that yacht. If so, I would have to find a way to push those memories aside.

“I promise this time will be so different Reese. I will never take my eyes off of you, and more importantly, Sam won’t be there. He’s in rehab again anyhow. Also, there will be no drugs on board either, I would never let something happen to you again Reese. Please say yes.” John was saying all the right things. I felt his assurance as well. He was all but making atonement for the guilt he still felt over me being attacked and nearly raped on his yacht last summer. And, I was going to let him.

“Yes John. I trust you. I know you would protect me at all costs. We’ll have to catch up on Sam though, okay? But otherwise, I can’t wait.” With that we said our goodbyes and made our plans. I suddenly felt giddy, joy spread deep into my heart for the coming days. I quickly filled Elle in. She was a little concerned for me falling back in with John too quickly. I told her
she was ‘a few matches short of a book’ since she was the one that had tried to orchestrate our reunion the very night I broke up with Tate anyway. Actually, we weren’t even officially broken up then and she still told John. Ugh. She was hard to figure out. I knew she was trying to do what was right though, keeping me grounded. She also told me how worried she was about Finn’s response to us being with ‘John and his guys’ again. We both agreed it was best Finn didn’t tell Tate. I just hoped he could keep his word, if he even agreed not to tell him.

On one hand, I wanted Tate to know, so he would hurt as much as me, but on the other, I wanted to have as separate of a life from Tate as possible. It hurt too much to think we were connected, even if it was by mere information of each other. I never wanted to read another article or see another picture of Tate’s baseball stardom. Good riddance. Dang, even that hurt to think that way. I had loved him so much, I wasn’t sure if my heart was betraying my brain again, because deep down I wanted him to be successful at whatever he did.

April 2011

lle and I packed late into the night. We were getting excited! She spent a long time on the phone with Finn. He knew now, and had promised for the time being that he wouldn’t let Tate know about our plans to go to California, nor would he tell Tate about John and the guys being there. He said it would hurt Tate too much. He also said that Lauren and Tate were not dating, ‘not in the least’. He’d been confused himself by the picture, but he knew they weren’t seeing each other. Evidently she had flown out there to see her Dad.
Yeah right
. Good cover story. But why was Finn trying to make it seem other than what it was. The kiss told it all, to me and the world. Ahhh, I was hurting again.