Arrest-Proof Yourself (52 page)

500 WATTS CALL THE COPS.
Loud stereos or mufflers ought to be known as police-summoning devices. If you’ve got the subwoofers pumping out 500 watts per channel and rattling the windows, expect to spend time chatting with police. If you’ve poured concrete onto the floorboards to increase the bass to glass-
shattering
levels (this happens), expect your car to do time in the impound lot. Did I mention that police are not fond of rap lyrics about beating women and killing cops? As for lowriders, keep them in L.A. In any other city they’re cop bait. (Curiously, loud mufflers on Harley-Davidson motorcycles don’t attract police, who love the sound of an expensive moto.)

DO SOME THINKING ABOUT YOUR DRINKING.
Driving under the influence (DUI) is a criminal rather than a civil offense. Arrest and jail time are mandatory in most states, so once stopped you’re on the plantations even if you have the $10,000 or so to beat the rap in court. Here’s the most important point. Even if you’re not legally intoxicated, the smell of alcohol will lead police to give you and your vehicle a thorough once-over,
which no rational person wants
. Basically this means that if you’re driving, confine your drinking to one drink or less, especially if you weigh less than 150 pounds. Stop drinking an hour before you leave, so alcohol will be metabolized and not on your breath. If you have any question about your ability to drive, call a cab. Alcohol is a drug. When you purchase beer, wine, and liquor for home consumption, put the stuff in your trunk or backseat,
unopened
, with tax seals intact. Keep all your drugs, whether produced legally by liquor distilleries, breweries, and pharmaceutical manufacturers or illegally by Colombian, Bolivian, and Afghan peasants, at home.

LOVE’S A FREAK IN THE BACKSEAT.
Having sex in the backseat worked in the 1960s, when cars were huge and seats were soft and squishy. Only pint-size contortionists can enjoy today’s compact mobile units. So avoid doing it in the car. Use the no-tell motel instead. A double bed is much more fun than a backseat.

JAIL’S YOUR CONDO WHEN YOU OVERUSE BONDO.
Most garages and toolsheds in America have a can of the famous gray goop used to fill dents. Shade-tree mechanics slap on the Bondo but never seem to get around to finishing the paint job. Cops figure that any car globbed with unpainted Bondo probably has
mucho
equipment violations and is therefore worthy of a stop. Dope dealers often buy Bondo-covered jalopies, rip out the backseats, and stuff the car with square grouper—the favorite seafood snack of your friendly local police/sharks.

Whether you get pulled, and whether the police interrogate you and search your car during the stop, depends on whether you fit the cops’ unofficial crook profile for your city. The car arrestability quotient, or Car-Q, indicates how likely you are to get stopped and arrested. It’s similar to the street arrestability quotient, or Arrest-Q.

CAR ARRESTABILITY QUOTIENT (CAR-Q) CONTINUED

CAR ARRESTABILITY QUOTIENT (CAR-Q) CONTINUED

AREN’T YOU TELLING ME TO ACT AND DRIVE LIKE WHITE-BREAD AMERICA?

Yep. This isn’t fair, but this book is not about what’s fair; it’s about what
is
. In a better America, you should be able to drive any car you want without undue police scrutiny as long as it’s street legal. Unfortunately, if you want to avoid encounters with police, a gray Honda carrying two passengers dressed preppy and listening to National Public Radio is the way to go.

This flies in the face of human nature, since many people need to be different. Guys need to stand out to attract women. Sexy ladies know that a cute convertible keeps the phone ringing with lovesick suitors. Cheerful eccentrics sometimes feel the need to attach cattle horns to the bumper or glue sea shells to the roof. An
Ah-OO-gah
Klaxon is also nice. Alas, to paraphrase a famous Japanese proverb, the car that stands out gets hammered down.

25

STAYING FREE DURING A TRAFFIC STOP MEANS THE GUY WHO LOSES IS THE COP

T
raffic tickets are mostly civil penalties. How you behave during the stop determines whether matters progress to criminal acts that justify arrest. Once you’re pulled over and the blue lights are spinning in your rearview mirror, the situation is similar to a street stop. You want to
lose
the psychological contest and let cops prove they’re the bosses. You want to
win
the custody contest and stay free. For cops, traffic tickets are small potatoes. When they don’t make an arrest, they lose. Not that cops will cry into their coffee and doughnuts if they only give out a ticket. There are thousands of mobile Easter eggs rolling down the roads, and the supply of bad guys has been remarkably constant during 6,000 years of recorded history. Cops know there will always be someone to arrest. They’re optimists by nature.

THE ROUTINE TRAFFIC STOP

There are two sorts of traffic stops: the routine stop and the felony stop. They are quite different and require different responses. Police make routine stops when they spot a traffic violation. They will flash the lights and give some whoops on the siren. Here’s what happens and how you should respond.

1.
Pull over quickly, from the right-hand lane, no matter where you are. Do not keep driving looking for a place to pull over. Police regard this as evasion. If police want you to drive further, they will instruct you through the loudspeaker.

For ladies at night, the rules are different. Many women are terrified, with reason, of being stopped by rapists and stalkers impersonating police officers. At night, women should turn on their flashers and drive slowly to a safe, well-lighted place.

2.
Onceyou’restopped,thecruiserwillpullinbehindyou.Ifthere’s room, the officers will “porpoise” the cruiser in at an angle to protect themselves from being hit by oncoming traffic.

3.
The officers will approach at an angle and shield themselves at the A-post, the frame that separates the front and rear windows. If the driver or passengers draw weapons, the A-post forces them to make an awkward, three-quarter turn and spoils their aim.

4.
Turn off the motor, roll down the window, and await instructions. Do
not
duck down to look for the registration under a seat or in the glove compartment. This looks like you’re reaching for a weapon. Do not reach for anything unless instructed to do so. Above all, do
not
make any sudden moves.

5.
Place hands in view on the steering wheel.

6.
Follow precisely instructions about presenting your license, registration, etc.

7.
Do not argue. Police think that people who argue are trying to hide something. If you feel the ticket was not merited, contest the matter in court. You do not need a lawyer for minor matters in traffic court. Most traffic judges are blessedly lenient. If you have a reasonable case, you generally win. However, hiring a lawyer is always in your best interest. Lawyers know the system.