Anubis Speaks!: A Guide to the Afterlife by the Egyptian God of the Dead (21 page)

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I have not stolen offerings of food left for the dead.

I have not taken milk from the mouths of children.

The confessions ended with the proclamation “I am pure, I am pure, I am pure, I am pure! I am pure as is pure the great heron. . . .”

Truthfully, these claims of purity always made me a bit suspicious. I mean, we
got
it, okay? In the end, you could say you were pure as much as you wanted and it wouldn’t matter. Your heart did the real talking.

Step 2—The Heart Gets Weighed

In the presence of Osiris and Thoth, I plucked the heart right out of your chest and placed it on a scale, where it was weighed against Ma’at’s Feather of Truth. The goddess Ma’at stood for order and justice.

If you lived by the rules of Ma’at, then your heart weighed as much as, or less than, the Feather of Truth and you passed the test. Good for you.

But if you failed? Oh, dear. Not so much fun for you. If you lied, stole, or hurt people, your heart would be heavy and weigh more than the Feather of Truth.

In punishment I would lob your twisted, dark organ to my good friend, the foul crocodile-headed demon, Amut the Destroyer. Amut has the head of a crocodile, the body of a lion, and the legs of a hippopotamus (FYI—the Destroyer is a
she
; our goddesses were 56

tough, but our female demons were even tougher).

Once Amut devoured your heart, you were doomed to an eternity of pain and misery.

Have I mentioned how much I loved the sound of Amut’s razor-sharp teeth chewing on the black hearts of the damned? There was a certain squishiness, a rubber-like smacking that really can’t be found in any other type of meal. But I digress . . .

Step 3—Thoth Takes Notes

Thoth, the god of wisdom and writing, recorded the results of your test in his judgment scroll. That’s when we would part ways. If you passed, you went to see my dad, Osiris, who welcomed you to the land of eternal happiness and sunshine. Then you waited for Ra in the sixth hour of his journey so he could officially call you forth into living while dead.

Those that didn’t pass the test—after having their hearts devoured by Amut—faced a whole ’nother world of hurt.

What Happened After

Amut Ate Your Heart

The slaughtering demon-god Shezmu grabbed

ahold of you next. He took the heads of the

damned, and squeezed them in his wine press

until they popped like overripe grapes. (Hey, don’t look 57

at me; they’re the ones that failed the test!) However, Shezmu had a good side, too. If you passed the test, he presented you with a lovely cup of wine. There’s some question, though, as to whether the “wine” he presented came from actual grapes, or the pressed heads of the bad guys. (Just kidding. He served the newly dead only the best wine, saving the blood for me.)

Then the alpha-male baboon Babi took over. Babi loved to chomp on and devour the entrails (internal organs, including the intestines) of those who failed my test. It was not a pretty sight. He ate his meals beside the Lake of Fire, which represented his rage and aggression.

If there was any part of you still left, then Sekhmet, the lion-headed goddess, tore you into tiny quivering pieces of pure misery.

See why it was so important to live according to the rules of Ma’at?

Why the Heart Was Key

The ancient Egyptians believed the heart was the seat of will, thought, and consciousness. It was where “choice” lived, and so carried the weight of a person’s actions. Brains, they figured, were just stuffing to keep your pretty little head round; either that, or they were the source for snot.

The heart was so important that sometimes my 58