Anubis Speaks!: A Guide to the Afterlife by the Egyptian God of the Dead (20 page)

chains—or beheaded. And, since my people believed pharaohs turned into gods upon their deaths, they often contained scenes of us gods welcoming them into the afterworld.

In fact, the details of the journey we are taking right now, through the caverns of the afterworld, came not from the pages of books as we know them, but from paintings. So when your little dirt-diggers (oh, excuse me, your
archaeologists
) talk about
The Book
of Hours
or
The Book of Gates
, or any other “book,”

they’re actually referring to scenes painted on the walls and ceilings of tombs; the sides of coffins; and drawn on rolled-up papyri. The same is true for
The
Book of the Dead
.

In other words, there are no individual “books,”

people.

The Book of the Dead
, in particular, refers to a
category
of writings and illustrations containing hymns, charms, incantations, formulas, spells, prayers, and amulets aimed at ensuring you made it safely into the afterworld. I should point out that whether they were written on small rolls of papyrus, or painted along the sides of coffins, their appeals were almost always directed to
me
. They were gifts of praise to soften me up.

Some people might have called them bribes. I called them my due.

The seven gods and seven goddesses who are

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pulling us over the Mound of Sokar warn us that we will soon be sliding down the other side. We must be very careful not to lose control of the boat, especially since below us a multi-headed chaos serpent coils in wait, mouths open, ready to attack.

Thankfully Aker, a two-headed lion-man-sphinx god with a giant head on each end of his body, emerges out of the sand to help us. Wait, what is he doing?

He has plopped himself over the chaos serpent. He is immobilizing the beast by, er, sitting on him. Not very dignified, but it works. After all, since Aker has two heads and
no behind
, he probably weighs more than the average one-headed sphinx. I credit this strange arrangement for Aker’s ability to keep the serpent pinned down. Either that, or his breath made the monster faint.

Actually, Aker has two heads because he

represents the two horizons—the one in the east where the sun rises and the one in the west where it sets.

As we near the end of the fifth hour, we can see what’s ahead. Is that . . . ? Wait, could it be? Yes, it’s water! We’ve made it through the desert!

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Ra’s Regeneration and the

Rebirth of the Dead

Hour six

Ah,
yesssssss
. Water. Cool, refreshing water. For us Egyptians, being on the river again is like coming home. It helps us relax, something we can do in this hour thanks to the two-headed Aker who’s been sitting on the chaos serpent. Apophis, meanwhile, does not make an appearance in this hour.

He’s likely trying to figure out how his serpent minion was flattened by Aker.

We honor you, Aker, oh two-headed lion-man-

sphinx god with no behind!

This hour is special because it’s midnight—the halfway point on Ra’s journey. The sun god is often described as having three phases: Khepri in the morning, Ra at midday, and Atum at sunset. The sun god’s process of transforming from Atum to Khepri begins now. In doing so, he calls forth the rebirth of all the deserving dead. Plus, he unites with Osiris, imbuing him with life again.

It’s a born-again bonanza.

Look at all the happy mummies high-fiving their rebirth! Let’s party, people. The about-to-be-reborn are also ecstatic with relief because they passed my weighing of the heart test.

What is that test? Why, I thought you’d never ask.

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After mummification and completion of all the rites of entombment, I take center stage (finally!). I reach out a paw and call you to me. You cannot run.

You cannot hide. The heart left inside your mummy—

your ka spirit—
must
obey my summons. It pulls you to me like iron to a magnet.

The Actual Test

In the Hall of Judgment, I determine what kind of person you were and decide whether you live happily ever after, or whether to turn you into an evil, restless, tortured spirit for the rest of . . . oh, I don’t know . . .
eternity
.

Fun times.

Here’s how the test went.

Step 1—Purifying Your Spirit

Mummification purified your body, yes, but

not your spirit. So, before you dared come into my presence, you had to enter the “Hall of Two Truths”

and make your negative confessions to forty-two gods.

These “Declarations of Innocence” went something like this:

I have not committed crimes against people.

I have not mistreated cattle.

I have not done any harm.

I have not caused pain.

I have not made anyone to suffer.

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