Angst (21 page)

Christmas has come and gone and now Amanda and I are on our
way to a party at my co-worker Anne’s house. I’m driving, lost in my thoughts
as Amanda and I lapse into a momentary silence. All I can think about is Jared
and the fact that he hasn’t called me. Not once. It’s been 19 days. And yes,
I’ve been counting. I really thought he was going to call me, I thought maybe
we had finally made a connection or that he was interested in me. I guess I was
wrong. I guess the fact that he didn’t kiss me was a sign.

I turn off 155 and realize we’re almost at Anne’s house. Anne’s
a girl I work with in the booth. She’s 21, has her own apartment and this is
the third or fourth time I’ve been to a party at her place. Anne’s wicked cool,
the kind of person who is super social, talks a lot, and always has something
funny to say. Several other girls from the booth will be there, as well as the
possibility that my Cheater-Ex Nick might be there. I’m not really sure if I
want to see him. I’ve seen him around work, but we haven’t said a word to one
another since last summer. It’ll be awkward, but I am kind of excited for
Amanda to see him.

“What would you do if Nick came on to you again?” Amanda
asks, breaking the silence, looking over at me with a grin.

“I’m honestly not sure. I still kind of want to do him,
although I know he’s an ass.”

“Skank,” teases Amanda, her mouth hitching up on one side
into a sly grin. “What about Jared? I know he hasn’t called, but are you still
holding out for him?”

“Well, yeah, I am. It’s like we keep getting thrown together
and for a while there I thought maybe he was into me…now I’m not sure. I really
thought he would call me, but he hasn’t.”

“I don’t know, Vic, I think he’s definitely into you. There
must be some other reason that you’re not aware of and that’s why he doesn’t
call or make the moves on you.”

“I wish you were right. But what the hell is his problem?”

“I don’t know, sometimes guys are more complicated then we
give them credit for. Then again, often they’re a lot more simple! I know I’m
always trying to add emotional depth to everything a guy does, when the truth
is a lot easier,” says Amanda laughing.

“Yeah, you’re probably right,” I reply, “I just wish I knew
what it was cause it definitely seems like I should just accept the fact that
he doesn’t want me.”

The party is small and intimate and I feel immediately on
edge as I step inside the glass door to Amanda’s apartment and spot Nick as one
of the guests. He’s looking particularly sexy and confident in a fitted polo
t-shirt over a long sleeved tee, the collar popped, his crossed arms forcing
his biceps to bulge. His short dirty blonde hair is, purposely messy and his
expression is his usual look of utter boredom and arrogance, as if he’s the
most awesome thing in the room.

It’s weird because I’ve spent so much time avoiding him that
honestly I haven’t really dealt with the fact that he hurt my feelings and the
physical attraction is still there even though I know he isn’t the kind of guy
I want to be with. And here he is, on his way to drunk and rowdy, if the shots
he’s taking with two other guys from the store are any indication, and it’s
definitely going to be awkward because there aren’t that many other people at
the party.

“Victoria!” calls Anne from the kitchen, walking up to pull
me in for a quick hug as Amanda and I walk into the living room. “Glad you
could make it,” she says immediately indicating with her always-present and excitable
hand motions that she wants to be introduced to my friend.

“This is Amanda,” I say. “We’ve been friends forever,
basically since we were born. Amanda hit me over the head with this heavy
old-fashioned telephone when we were just babies,” I say giving Amanda a look. Amanda
smiles back, acting innocent on all charges and Anne’s mouth pulls up into a
quirked grin, her eyes sparkling with mischief, holding her hand out to greet
Amanda.

“Now it all makes sense, Amanda,” she says, rolling her eyes
in my direction, mouthing the words ‘brain-dead.’

“Real funny,” I reply with a playful glare. Anne gives us
the quick tour of her small apartment for Amanda’s sake and then shows us the
variety of alcoholic beverages she has on hand. There are bottles of hard alcohol
with soda to mix, wine, beer and even some MD 20/20 which has to be the
nastiest beverage I’ve ever tasted, if I remember correctly from a party a year
or so before. At the time, I hadn’t cared what it tasted like because it was
available.

Now I’m much more sophisticated, I think with a laugh,
imagining the nasty Keystone Light I’ve been indulging in lately. Amanda and I
pick out a beverage each and follow Anne into the living room where four guys
and three girls are lounging around talking and drinking. Nick immediately
looks up as I walk in, flashing me a quick little sexy grin, the kind he always
used to use when he was trying to charm me. I force a smile back, but don’t say
anything. He looks away, continuing his conversation with the guys around him. He
certainly doesn’t seem too ill at ease.
Damn him.

“Hey, Victoria,” says Michelle, one of my friends from the
booth who is sitting with Chrissy, the girl who had introduced me to Nick over
the summer when he called on the in-store phone.

“Hey girlssss,” I reply with a smile, drawing Amanda over
with me to where they are sitting at the small kitchen table away from the guys
taking shots. Sitting with them is Ben from the store who works in the produce
department. He’s the sweetest guy, but simply not someone I could ever be
interested in romantically. We’ve had some good conversations during break
periods, though. I smile at Ben and introduce Amanda who immediately seems shy.
Maybe there’s some match-making in order tonight.

Soon, Ben has charmed Amanda with his casual manner and they
fall easily into conversation as I make small talk with the girls, following up
on stories that we shared the last time we worked together. After a few moments
of talking to Michelle, I notice that Chrissy is desperately trying to get my
attention. I smile at her and she motions me to her side, her short curly brown
hair bobbing as she jerks her head. I look at her quizzically, not sure what
she wants to tell me, but she certainly looks like she has a secret to share,
her eyes glinting, a knowing smile playing over her lips.

“What?” I ask with a smile, pulling up a chair next to her. Her
mouth turns up at the corners and I lean in to hear what she has to say.

“Nick and Jess broke up,” she says pulling back to look me
in the eyes, lips turned up into a huge grin.

“Really?” I ask, rolling my eyes with a little smile, a bit
wary of this information. Nick cheated on me with Jess and they’ve been dating
since the summer.

“Yeah, but that’s not the best part. I guess she cheated on him!”
she says with a snort, her gaze moving toward Nick on the couch talking with a
few guys from the store. I laugh back, surprised, but actually kind of pleased
that Nick’s girlfriend had treated him the same way he treated me. He deserved
it!

“I like that he got a taste of his own medicine, Chrissy,” I
say with another laugh, looking in Nick’s direction too. He’s leaned back on
the couch like he owns the place, his feet up on the coffee table, his blonde
hair messy yet sexy, playing some kind of drinking game with the other guys,
starting to get raucous. He looks completely comfortable in his own skin,
confident, not someone who has been recently burned.

“Are you sure? He looks fine to me,” I whisper, turning back
to Chrissy’s wide-eyed smiling face.

“I’m positive. Trust me, I’m sure he’s eaten up inside with
it. Although maybe it was gonna end anyway. Still, cheating has to burn the
cheater when it happens to him.”

“Oh man, that’s fuckin poetic! Who did she cheat with
anyway? Do you know?”

Chrissy starts laughing hysterically at this question, her
eyes watering, barely able to contain herself.

“What, tell me!” I say, looking over at her, slapping her on
the arm to get her to spill the beans. “Come on, Chrissy!”

“God, it’s funny,” she says, still laughing, her chest
heaving to bring in much needed air. “Wait for it Vic…Wait for it…” she says,
gripping my arm to up the suspense. “She cheated with the manager, Mr.
Johnson!” she says in a rush under her breath as the guys on the couch turn to
look in our direction at her loud laughter. I gasp and then start sniggering
again. Mr. Johnson is the young pole-thin manager of the grocery department. He
is Jess’ boss.

“Wow, Nick must be wicked pissed. That’s fucking awesome,” I
whisper with pleasure, unable to stop the huge smile that is kidnapping my
face. Mr. Johnson definitely isn’t a prize, so it must have made Nick really
mad when Jess cheated on him with someone less than desirable. I look down in
my cup, the contents are already gone. My habit of guzzling has already made
itself apparent. I need a new drink.
Thank God the nerves haven’t been too
bad tonight.

“I gotta get a new drink,” I say, getting up from my seat to
head toward the kitchen, thinking pleasantly about Nick’s anger when he found
out his girlfriend had been cheating with Mr. Johnson. I would never sleep with
nasty Mr. Johnson.
Gross!
 I smirk, imagining his stick thin body, his
thinning, greased back hair.

When I’m almost through the door I look back over my
shoulder and notice that Nick has gotten up from his seat too and is strolling
toward the kitchen. He smiles at me, a quirked little grin, like we share some
kind of sexy secret. I groan inside, all I need right now is for Nick to think
he can commiserate with me over his cheating girlfriend. Inside the kitchen I
quickly grab some vodka and soda and start mixing myself a drink as Nick comes
up behind me.

“Hey, Vicky,” he says, his husky voice silky smooth as he
leans next to me at the kitchen counter. He smells like alcohol and cologne and
his blue eyes are summer day brilliant. He’s sexy, yet dangerous, and I’m
remembering how he really wanted to have sex with me as we fooled around on his
bed, his smell bringing it all back with vivid force. The memory reminds me of
the strength in his arms tightening around me, his lips on mine, his sexy
little half smile.

“Hi,” I reply, not sure how to act around him, not sure I
really want to start any kind of conversation. He easily lifts the full heavy
handle of vodka with a finger, his forearm muscles moving beneath the skin and
starts pouring it into his cup. I can tell he’s already buzzed.

“You’re looking good,” he says, eyeing me and then turning
back to his glass. I smile reluctantly, although partially pleased that he
might still find me attractive.

“Thanks, Nick,” I say wearily, not willing to flirt with
him. I’m almost finished with my drink and need to make a hasty get away as
soon as possible.

“You know,” he says conversationally, looking over at me for
a second, his, oh so sincere, eyes resting on mine as he innocently (
yeah
right
) reaches across my body for the soda bottle on my other side,
casually brushing his arm against my chest in my low cut top, “We never really
officially broke up. I guess that means that technically we’re still together.”
He pulls his arm back slowly, his knuckles grazing my skin, grinning sideways
at me, his eyes sparkling in that bad boy way.

“Yeah I guess that’s true,” I say snidely with a little
smile, backing away from him one step at a time, “but I guess that also means
I’ve cheated on you a lot since then. Sorry, Nick. I didn’t mean to add to your
growing list of cheating girlfriends.” I grin at him provocatively and back out
of the kitchen as he bares his teeth back, his grin telling me he finds me
vicious-hilarious, but I can also tell he isn’t willing to let the conversation
stop there.

He follows me back into the living room, his eyes following
me all night as I chat with the group, laughing, enjoying myself. I don’t
really address myself to him at all. What can I possibly say to a guy I find
physically attractive, but who I know is a complete jerk? I’m pathetic, though,
because I still kind of want him.
Physically.
Physically I want to touch
him, kiss him, feel the pounding of my traitor heart when he touches me.
Damn,
damn, damn.

Later that night Anne’s phone rings and with a cry of
delight she says hello. After she’s done talking she throws it on the counter
and jumps up, her face alight with excitement.

“My friend Seth is stopping by with some grass!” she sings, as
she ambles to the kitchen to pour herself another drink. “He’s wicked freakin
funny, too, I just love this guy. I can’t wait for you guys to meet him.”

After pouring herself another drink she turns on some music
and the girls and I start dancing in the dim area behind the couch. We’re all
pretty drunk at this point, our inhibitions gone as we move, not caring that
the guys are watching from the couches. I can feel Nick’s eyes on me, watching
me, focused on my body and even though I know he cheated it doesn’t seem to
matter to my drunk brain, the idea of him watching makes me feel hot and turned
on.

While I dance, I move my hands over my body and replay all
the things he told Chrissy on the in-store phone over the summer before we
started dating. The sound of his voice floats through my mind and I feel heat
rising to my cheeks. “I want to fuck her. I want to take her clothes off and
bend her over. Her body is fucking nice, she’s like a fuck-toy. That ass, those
tits, those lips, that face. Holy shit.” I dance up to Amanda and Anne,
grinding with them, laughing. We grind down low together, sexy and dirty.

Finally there’s a knock at the door, and Anne races to
answer it, practically jumping and quivering in her excitement.