Angst (42 page)

I squint as I step out of my dim house and into the bight
August sunshine. My cat is lazing under the front porch, his eyes closed, body
slack and spread out to stay cool on this scorching day. My car is even hotter
than the air, the steering wheel burning my fingertips as I begin to back out
of the driveway. Today I’m heading to work, something normal and routine. It
isn’t until I’m about half way to the store that I suddenly realize that I
don’t feel anxious, worried or stressed. In fact, now that I think about it,
it’s been days since I last thought about panicking.

I can’t fucking believe it, it’s crazy to think that all
I’ve been focused on recently are regular, everyday events.
Thoughts of
friends, Jared, work, my family, the trip Jared and I just went on, camping at
the lake and somehow, no panic. It’s a revelation, a relief, to suddenly feel
like a normal person. I assess my body, trying to determine how I feel. I feel
relaxed, my stomach is not clenched into a knot, my hands and leg muscles are
loose and my thoughts aren’t racing around in my head. For once I don’t feel
sick. It’s almost as if I forgot how to live without feeling that way every
single day, I’m literally amazed at the transformation. For once in my life I
feel somewhat normal. I smile, thinking about my day and about how I’m going to
see Jared and a few of our friends tonight. School will be starting up again
soon and I feel ready for once. I’m ready to tackle the world.

Finally I feel like a normal person. I can wake up and go
to work without that twist of dread in my stomach. It’s like a miracle to feel
good, have energy and not feel ill every second of every day. I didn’t even
know I was capable of feeling good because I’ve lived for so long with that
feeling in the pit of my stomach, just a constant feeling of dread and terror
and finally it has gone and I feel light and free. Normal people don’t feel
sick every day and now I know it was my panic and not just part of me to feel
sick all the time.

Now that the panic has subsided, so have many of the
sensations. I still worry, though, and I’m still scared of certain scenarios. I
still avoid certain activities but now I’m not miserable every day. It’s not a
100% solution and I don’t think anything ever will be. This thing is ingrained
in my mind, part of my history and who I am. I don’t expect that I’ll ever
leave it fully behind, but this is a good temporary or longer solution.

Someday maybe I’ll try to get off the drugs when my life
smooths out and in the meantime I’m going to try to find natural ways to take
better care of myself. That’s my goal for the future…but for now…I’m pretty
happy. I’ve got a great boyfriend, I feel like a normal teenage college student
about to go back to classes and I’m ready to start my real life. I’m ready to
crawl out from under this rock I’ve been living under, I’m ready to relish the
sunshine. I’m ready to be me, without the angst. I’m ready to come back to
life.

#######################

Waves rubbing on sand, touched by starlight

Touched by the moon,

Amazingly soft and deep and dark

The night air cool,

speeding by me, brushing by me

Fingers through my hair

Here I am tonight

to say those things that can’t be said

to express feelings through a touch

deeper than words

To feel something incredible,

to touch your face

A kiss, an intense moment

that lasts my whole life

I want to live in that second

of words and feelings and nerves

To feel the breeze and see the starlight,

to inhale and exhale

To blink my time away, to love you

Here I sit, existing in my time,

not saying a word

Not trying to describe, just living

Until the moon descends

and we go to bed and sleep

I am in love with all this life

I breathe, I love,

I know things that cannot be said

Oh my god, I feel so much,

is to die, is to live, is to speak, is to write…

is to be everlasting

A pause, a moment of reflection

What have I been saying of starlit nights,

of holding your hand, of crying myself to sleep

Just skin and nerves,

senses and words, always words…

First and foremost I have to say a big thank you to my
friend Kerri Lavertu for her tireless help over the past few months. Kerri has
been my photographer, my editor, my friend, a person to bounce ideas off and
even occasionally my cheering squad and therapist. I couldn’t have done it
without her help and support.

Secondly, thank you to Mindy for being one of my first
readers and someone I could talk to about my writing. I loved our conversations
about being “English majors.” The same goes for Stephanie who read one of my
1st drafts even though it was hard for her at the time.

I also need to say a big thank you to Dana Fox who read my
novel for me and really pushed me toward publication. She was the one person
who said the right thing at the right time and she was the right person to say
it. Because of her, I learned to be fearless and I don’t think I would have
decided to pursue self-publishing without her positive influence.

Finally, I need to say thank you to my parents and husband. There
really aren’t words enough to say thank you to them for all their support over
the years, especially when I was feeling particularly crazy. My husband is my
rock, my support, he is the person who makes it okay to be me. My parents have
always been there for me as well and have helped me throughout my life in so
many different ways. Love you all.

The then, the biggest thank you has to go out to my readers.
I know this is putting the horse before the cart, because as of right now, I
don’t have any readers. However this book will be successful or not, depending
on you. If you bought my book and allowed me to take you on a journey of panic,
depression and anxiety, I thank you for the opportunity to show you the world of
girl who thinks she’s crazy, a girl who struggles, falls down and finally
realizes life is important and that she can’t let one problem destroy everything.
I hope I’ve touched you and I hope you’ll take something away from this novel,
either the knowledge of what it means to suffer with panic attacks and anxiety
and therefore a greater capacity to understand and empathize with your fellow
human beings or the realization that you are not alone, that there are others
of us out there with brains that work just like yours.

I’ve have personally suffered from panic attacks, anxiety
and depression for 20 years, almost to the month as this book is being
published. I’ve been through the gamut of coping methods, therapy, medication,
natural methods and just plain suffering to get through the day. This story,
Victoria’s, is mine in essence even if it is not mine in the details. I had a
very difficult freshman year of college. I drank, I made mistakes and I was the
girl in the basement talking on the phone to her boyfriend about death. But
like Victoria, I couldn’t let it win, I couldn’t let it take all my happiness,
so I fought back. At the time it was medication, but later I learned other ways
to cope.

Life is still a struggle for me every day and I’m still
restricted in my activities, but I think part of the growing process, part of
accepting me for me has happened while writing this novel and through blogging,
because I’ve met people who are like me and I’ve explored who I am in a deeper
more meaningful way. And hitting the publish button has really showed me that I
can be strong, I can share who I really am. I hope you enjoyed Victoria’s story
because like it is for her, writing has been therapy for me.

If you’d like more Wicked Victoria(s), visit my blog at
www.angstanxietypanic.wordpress.com