Angst (35 page)

“Yes, we have to wait exactly 10 days.”

“I think I can wait 10 days for you,” he says, “although I
was getting pretty worried that I’d never get to have sex like that again in my
life.”

I laugh and then say, “Wait, what about fucking Stacia, I
thought maybe you were with her?”

He looks over at me with wide scared eyes, “Hell no! She’s
liked me forever and is always trying to get me to date her, but I would never
date Stacia. She’s like a friend, and an annoying one at that. I was only with
her the other night because I was feeling so shitty about you and wanted some
company.”

“Thank God, I was afraid that you had really bad taste,” I
say, leaning against his shoulder, grinning at him from behind my hand and he
looks over at me, eyes sparkling, a tiny smirk on his lips. And then he kisses
me, gently, hands moving up on either side of my face and it’s like my world
has opened up. Amid my tragedy, somehow there is light.

Tonight I feel like royalty. I’m dressed up, new clothes,
low cut top, sparkly eye shadow, hair down, my lips swiped with lipstick and
gloss. I’m so fucking glam-o-rous ‘cause I’m ready to be with him and I have
never felt better about my love life or my sex life. But like normal, inside
it’s a different story. I’m really nervous, trapped inside my own body, shellacked
inside a beautiful, supposedly confident, outer casing, but trembling inside
like a piece of Jello.
Big surprise.
It’s cause for self-hatred, and of
course I don’t disappoint.

The drive over to Jared’s apartment is hell, as it normally
is, because I am stone cold sober and hyped up on anxiety and panic, heart
throbbing, burning hot, stomach twisted, unable to stop. I don’t have any
alcohol to calm myself down. I’ve actually fallen that far into insanity that I
think I’m willing to drink before driving somewhere, just so I don’t have to
experience these terrified feelings. It’s a miserable existence. Drinking and
driving, doing drugs to escape. I’ll do just about anything these days to make
sure that no one finds out my secret and that it won’t hold me back from doing
what I want or appearing normal. And I really don’t want to tell Jared, but I’m
afraid that the truth will have to come out if we keep seeing each other. It
will become impossible to hide it when he asks me to do certain things and I
always come up with an excuse. Excuses only work for so long.

I pull into his driveway and find a parking spot, my heart
thudding and I can’t breathe. I don’t want to go in because it creates the
perception that I’m here to stay. Leaving right after arrival is
weird
. I
take a deep breath, trying to calm my racing thoughts. I don’t want to
embarrass myself in front of Jared. I don’t want to be sick. But I am. I feel
terrible. Throat closing, pulse racing, bowels tight. I think about my life
now, I’m barely living.

These days work is only accomplished with a maximum amount
of stress and only because I have to go. School is tough too. Every time I
enter a classroom I feel afraid, especially in classes where I’m supposed to
participate. Big lecture halls are easier, the anonymity holding the panic just
barely at bay. Poetry and art class are tough. I’m expected to participate in
class conversations about everyone’s work. I’m expected to sit there and every
class, every single minute is excruciating. I’m not entirely sure what’s
pushing me over the edge, but I have a good idea. It’s the stress, it’s the
accumulation of everything that has happened to me this momentous year. It is
every new experience, every new worry or threat, every stupid mistake and
choice I’ve made. My entire life is on the brink of disaster. I can feel it in
my body, physically manifesting itself in a tense quivering fear that lives
within me constantly now. I can’t get rid of it.

But there is a positive to all this terrible shit:
Jared,
OMG
. We’ve been together for a month now and it’s eye-opening, like nothing
I’ve ever been a part of before. He’s perfect, funny, cool, smart, caring. And
alienating him with my issues is the last thing I want to do. He’s important to
me, and not just because he’s desperately good looking. He’s so much more than
that to me now. He’s kind, compassionate, thoughtful and I think, honestly, I’m
falling in love with him. So I have to try to hold on, try to keep body and
mind together so that I can be with him. I feel alive when I’m with him. I feel
more right than I normally do. But it’s getting harder and harder every day to
stop the panic.

I ease out of the car and stand there in the cold air, my
breath coming in wispy gasps.
Ok, you can do this. You must. He expects you
to be here and you want to be here.
I inhale again, steadying myself.

#######################

Jared wants to walk right over to the frat and my feeble
attempts to get him interested in pre-gaming are failing. He keeps telling me
we’ll drink when we get there.
Damn it.
And now we’re heading out to
walk through the cold air toward the frat, holding hands, constantly looking at
each other, smiling. I’m pretending that I don’t feel so sick that I might die
and somehow it’s working. He hasn’t picked up on it yet. I’m stunned by the
stark contrasts in my life. Panic filled days, only relieved by inebriated
nights.

We’re nearing the frat now, the low sound of bass pumping
through the air getting stronger. I look over at Jared and grin, completely
taken by surprise that he is mine, that we are together. He smiles back, a cute
little sideways smile and I dissolve inside. He looks good tonight, his curly
hair damp from the shower, his leather coat fitting tight against his big body,
a slight scent of aftershave or cologne emanating from him, spicy yet cool. I
take a minute to fantasize about what he looks like beneath his clothes, and my
heart races.
Good distraction technique: Victoria 1, Panic 0. Not that it
will last.

Inside, we throw our coats in Andy’s room, Jared producing
an extra key from his pocket for this purpose, and finally make our way into
the basement where we’re meeting Andy, Hannah, Samantha and Ian. My nerves
begin to spike now that we’re here and I’m sober. I need alcohol as soon as
possible because I can feel the knot beginning to form in my stomach when I
think about walking down the stairs and into the basement. What if I want to
leave? What if I feel sick?
What will I do?
I try to push my worries out
of my mind, focusing on Jared, studying my boyfriend, reveling in how good
looking and confident he appears. I’m envious of someone who has it all, when I
feel damn wanting.

Once we reach the floor of the basement, I push off in the
direction of the drink station, telling Jared over my shoulder that I’ll grab
us both a beer. Once there, I pump two extra full cups, mine sloshing over the
top in my exuberance to get it inside me as quickly as possible. I take a large
sip and then another gulp, knowing that I’ll have to drink this entire cup if I
want to feel calm. Even then it might not be enough. I know what will happen. I’ll
drink this cup and I’ll start to feel better, but then suddenly I’ll be
reminded of my problem and I’ll start to feel sick and my thoughts will spin
and I’ll want to vomit. That sequence will keep happening until I am so drunk
that I won’t be able to think straight.
Fuck yeah, let’s get started betch.

I look across the room, watching him talk to Ian and
Samantha. God I’m nervous to be here with him. It’s like I have to live up to
some kind of expectation, except I know that it’s my own sick sense of
expectation and not something anyone else cares about, at least not Jared. He
smiles at me from across the room as I make my way back toward him, two beers
in hand, mine already half gone.
It’s disgustingly embarrassing that I have
to drink to stay calm in social situations. I hate myself with a fuckin
passion. Yea!!
I put on a fake smile for him to mask my self-hatred,
shaking my hips as I walk to the music.

Jared grabs his beer from me, waving to Andy from across the
room. Andy is with Hannah and as they make their way toward us through the
crowd, Hannah is smiling at me like she’s won the lottery. As soon as she
reaches me she grabs my arm, steering me toward the drink table, indicating her
need for a beer.

“What’s up?” I ask, yelling to be heard over the music,
looking at her smiling, happy go lucky face.

“Nothin,” she replies slyly, looking over her shoulder at
Jared and Andy and finally, as we’re far enough away, looking back at me.

“Ok, not nothing. Andy and I are officially together! Can
you believe it?” she says, clearly over the moon, her smile covering her face,
eyes sparkling in the dim light.

“Really!” I say, excited for her, knowing how she’s been
crushing on him for months, just like I had been with Jared. “Well, what
happened? Tell me everything!” I say.

“There’s not too much to tell. When I got here tonight we
had a talk and he told me he really cares about me and he wanted to make things
official between us.” I laugh grabbing her hand in my exuberance.

“I’m happy for you! Oh my God, it’s funny,” I say with a
smile, “I love how straightforward Andy is, although it took him long enough. Goddamn
Jared for being complicated and mysterious.” Hannah smiles back at me, pumping
my hand as Jared and Andy make their way toward us. Everyone is laughing and
smiling and I’m discreetly pounding my drink, hoping that we won’t move away
from the keg before it’s time for a refill, when something Andy says, stops my
heart dead.

“Seth called, he says there’s this great party over at the
Mills tonight and that we should stop by. I do want to get the hell out of here
for once. What do you guys say? I could drive?” he says looking around the
circle of faces expectantly. Jared is the first to speak.

“Is it at Tommy’s apartment in dirty Dover? I’d definitely
be down for visiting him,” he says with a grin.

Ian and Samantha nod and so does Hannah, clearly wanting to
do whatever Andy wants. I’m the only person left standing. Andy stares as me
and I shrug my shoulders. I really don’t want to go, but what can I say? I need
more alcohol before I can be ready for something like that. Andy will drive and
we’ll all go in his car and we all know (
ok, the royal we
) how I handle
car trips. I haven’t had nearly enough alcohol yet.
What can I say, what can
I do?

“I’m not sure,” I say and everyone’s eyes turn on me,
waiting for my master excuse.
I’ve got nothing!

“Come on, Victoria, it’ll be fun,” Jared says with a smile,
putting his arm around me. I feel like a loser, the person who makes everyone
else’s night not fun. But I’m panicking inside, my heart tripping along, my
hand holding my beer suddenly trembling. I can’t go. I’ve already had a hard
time getting here and now they want to go somewhere else? I will undoubtedly
embarrass myself in the car with Jared there to witness.
I can’t. I can’t. I
can’t!
My stomach clenches and so I use my avoidance card for the moment.

“I’ve got to use the bathroom,” I say and I know my face
looks tense and I know they’ve noticed, but I don’t care because I have to
escape. I have to leave the room and try to gather my wits. I’m up the stairs
in an instant and finally in the dirty frat bathroom. I just stand there in the
stall, my stomach contracting like hurricane waves.
Slosh, slosh, motherfucka,
you poor fucking bitch.
Oh my God
, I need to be sick, my stomach
aches so badly. But I can’t allow it because if I get sick I’ll just throw up
all the alcohol I just consumed. I need to keep at least that much inside me.
What
can I do? What?
I need to find a secret stash of alcohol and down it.

I hug my stomach, trying to stop the cutting pain, thoughts
racing, imagining all the places where alcohol might be. Downstairs is clearly
out. Andy’s room is locked so that’s out too. Other rooms might not be and
might have alcohol, but I can’t go rummaging around without being caught. I
start thinking about the frat kitchen. I’ve been in there once before with Andy
during a party and saw the cabinets. There was one with some hard alcohol and typical
me, my eyes zeroed in on it. I have no idea if it might still be in there or
not. But I have to check. If I can just down about half a bottle of vodka, I
can go to that party. I can appear normal, if drunk, to Jared and he won’t find
out about my problem. I can’t let him find out.

I back out of the stall, my stomach still on edge, heart
pounding at my secret mission and head down the hall toward the kitchen. It is
blessedly empty and I go to the cabinet that I’m pretty sure I saw the alcohol
in last time. It’s there, behind the ramen, and a few bottles of pasta sauce,
one slim half-empty bottle of vodka.
Who knows how long it’s been sitting
here?
But I don’t care. I pull it out, careful not to make any noise, cause
I don’t want anyone walking past to notice me here. I quickly find a cup that
appears semi-clean and rinse it with my fingertips under the faucet. Then I
pour myself a very large shot.

I’m draining it down the back of my throat, and it’s burning
and I want choke and cough. I’ve positioned myself facing the door in case
someone should come in and catch me, when Jared appears out of thin air at the
doorway.
Fuck, I thought I’d have some notice if someone was coming!
Startled,
I fumble the cup down on the counter and move to stand in front of it so he won’t
see it. But he’s already seen me and what I was doing and walks toward me with
a questioning, sort of wondering look on his face.

“What are you doing in here?” he asks, coming up to me to
peek around my shoulder at the half-full glass of vodka on the counter behind
me and I realize with a start that I’m a complete idiot. I left the bottle on
the counter right next to me, there’s no claiming this is water. My mind is
racing.
What do I say to him?!
What can I say about secret drinking? Secret
drinking is supposed to be just that,
secret
.
I’m an idiot!
I
should have taken it in the bathroom with me to down it in private. That’s
where I’m supposed to be right now, not here being caught by Jared basically
free-basing a full glass of pure vodka. I don’t speak for so long that he just
looks at me.