Angst (25 page)

“Shit’s weird,” says Samantha, shaking her head, “I’ll have
to talk to him at some point and see what the hell is going on.”

Just then Keith and Brian walk up carrying drinks and
laughing with each other. Brian edges up to Samantha and dances with her, as
Keith puts his hand on my waist as I dance.
Shit, he’s showing ownership
tendencies already. Why does the wrong guy always make all the right moves?
I‘m
facing Jared and my eyes automatically go to his face. His expression reveals
nothing for a moment and then suddenly his brows lower and his lips twitch as
if in irritation and he turns away, his back facing me.

What the hell is his problem?
He could have had me
and now he’s acting like I’m the one who shunned him. I watch as he turns to
Seth and begins a conversation with him, turning every once in a while to
glance in my direction. It seems like he might be talking about me. God I hope
Seth isn’t telling him about Nick right now. At the thought, I blush and start
to feel hot.
Damn my cheater ex-boyfriend who kissed me!
I stumble on
Keith’s shoe, spilling beer on his pant leg.

“Oh my God, I’m really sorry, Keith!” I squeak, but he
doesn’t seem to care, drawing me closer to him.

“You’re wicked sexy,” he mumbles in my ear, his feet
weaving, eyes glazed.

“Thanks,” I reply, not sure how to react to him. I don’t
like it when guys get too drunk and Keith is definitely on his way. His hands
are all over me and he’s wobbly and unsteady on his feet. Suddenly I feel
self-conscious. I hate drunk idiots all over me. I especially hate it when
Jared is here and can easily see that I picked out someone wasted and sloppy to
hang out with. Thank God, I’m saved as Andy approaches us, grabbing Hannah’s
arm and whispering in her ear. Hannah smiles and then motions to Samantha and
I, drawing us in together.

“Andy thinks we should all go upstairs and smoke some
reefer,” says Hannah, “and we gotta ditch these guys to do it. So make
something up and meet us upstairs in Andy’s room in a few minutes.”

I smile at Hannah, nodding yes to her plan. I definitely
want to get high ‘cause maybe it will improve this night. I turn around and
Keith is still standing behind me with his friend, a curious look on his face.
What
can I tell him?

“We’re going to the bathroom. We’ll be back in a little
while,” I lie with a quick smile,
my lying skills are so handy.
Keith
nods, in agreement, turning to his friend, apparently not aware of our ulterior
plans. Samantha and I make our way out of the room and are soon upstairs where
the music is muted. Samantha knows how to find Andy’s room, and I find myself
blushing, thinking of the hazy memory of the last time I was up here with
Jared. Sexy memories surface, his body, his eyes, his hands and my cheeks get
hot as I remember the embarrassment I still feel because I ran out of the room
like a little girl.
Ugg, loser
.

Now we’re inside with the door closed, smoke billowing
around us as each person takes a toke on the gravity bong, old faithful. I’ve
never used a gravity bong before so this is a new experience for me. Just as I
take a hit, Andy helping me push the bottle down into the murky water, the door
bursts open and Jared stalks in. His eyes, as they alight on mine for a split
second are cold, indifferent, expressionless.
Holy shit
, I think, scared
out of my mind for a moment by the noise he’s making, imagining cops or someone
who’s going to yell at me. Startled, I let the smoke rush out of my lungs too
soon.

Jared looks away and throws himself on the couch behind us. I
can feel his presence like an irritant, sand in the eye, and I’m annoyed that
he scared me like that. I step away from the bong, feeling the high slip over
me silently and join Hannah who’s sitting on the edge of Andy’s bed. I sit
stiffly, looking straight ahead, trying not to look over at Jared. It’s
awkward. He still hasn’t said a thing to me and I don’t think I can be the one
to say something to him first. And not only that, this is the scene of our
last…
sexual encounter.
Gulp.

Finally he looks over at me, his expression weary, raising a
hand in a small wave of greeting. I smile tightly and wave back.
Why doesn’t
the fucker say something??
Now Hannah and Andy get up and are ready to go
back downstairs. Samantha seems ready to go too, looking at me and then quickly
over at Jared and then back to me again, her eyes compassionate at how awkward
I feel. Jared just sits there, his head braced on his arm on the arm of the
chair staring straight ahead.

“Come on, Vicky, let’s get back downstairs to those two
wicked hot guys,” says Samantha with a grin at me and then she pointedly looks
at Jared, as if taunting him with the information. Apparently they have the
kind of relationship where she can give him shit. Jared looks up at her
briefly, glaring for a second before looking indifferent again. She grasps my
hand and pulls me up from the bed and I follow her toward the door. Just as I
walk by, Jared sits up and snags my arm, his fingertips hot on my cool flesh.

“I just wanted to say hi and that it’s nice to see you out
and about,” he says looking up at me, his face serious. He’s looking so
insanely gorgeous, his hair tousled, eyes a golden green brown, that my heart
beats faster. I gulp and give him my best smile, not sure how to react.
Why
is he suddenly talking to me now?

“Hi, Jared, it’s been a while,” I say tightly, trying to get
in a little dig about the fact that he never called, about to turn away again,
feeling awkward talking to him. His hand is warm on my bare arm and he hasn’t
let go yet. I feel myself begin to shiver, a tiny thrill of excitement coursing
through me.

“Yeah I guess it has been a while, but I wouldn’t say that
you’ve been lonely,” he replies, his eyes appearing to spark just a bit with
his comment, but then he smiles and I’m not sure. Taken aback, I wonder what he
means by this. Is he talking about Keith, or is he referring to Nick as well? I’m
shocked that he took my jab and pointed it back at me. What does he expect? Does
he want me to wait on his pleasure or something? I feel myself growing angry,
tense with disbelief.
Damn him.

“Oh him, that’s nothing, I just met him tonight,” I say with
a flippant smile, not sure what to say, not sure I have control over what comes
out of my mouth.

“Yeah, I guess that’s your style,” he says, his eyes cold,
impersonal with a hint of mocking. He leans back casually, his hand dropping
away from my arm. He smiles again and it somehow seems less than genuine. “But
that’s cool, you’re a freshman, you want to have a good time, I get that.” I’m stunned
for a second and then speak quickly without thinking.

“Yeah, well I guess your style is passive aggressive
sarcasm,” I bite out with a hard little smile that I hope makes it seem like a
sort-of joke, but inside I’m quivering because I want him and things are going
terribly wrong. I can’t believe that this is happening.
Is he angry with me?
I need honesty, I crave a way to tell him how I really feel, but I can’t.

He laughs, nodding toward the door. “You’d better hurry up,
wouldn’t wanna let sloppy, drunk, lover-boy wait, even if he is one of many.”

I feel anger rise in my throat like a bubble, blocking my
airways. How dare he judge me! Is he judging me because of what had happened
with Nick? Does he know about that? What the fuck! How can this be happening? This
is not what I want at all. I gulp, still angry but holding back tears that have
sprung to my eyes at how harsh he’s being. Finally I lash out, unable to stop
the words from spewing out of my mouth.

“Fuck off, you can’t judge me. Clearly you aren’t
interested, so why do you care?”

His eyebrows rise and his mouth quirks for a moment and he
blinks, and then his false smile is back again, oh so fake and friendly. I
don’t wait for his reply but stalk out of the room, feeling like a child whose
parents have said I can’t have a shiny new toy.
Bastard!
I don’t want to
feel this way!
I can’t believe I just said that to him! Fuck!!
Does this
mean that I will never have a chance with him again? This encounter just ruined
my night, ruined my high.

##########################

I had a dream you loved me last night. You said it right
to my face and I didn’t believe you at first, but then I did. I knew it in my
heart that you did and I felt complete. But what a horrible nightmare to wake
up from that dream and realize that feeling wasn’t real, was lost, wasn’t even
true. You don’t love me. I don’t even know if you like me. My happiness was
swept away with that one breath that brought me back to the real world. My
world with no love.

The weather today sucks. My shoes are soaked ‘cause I
stepped in a freezing cold puddle so deep my toes were under water. Rain sleet
and snow will ruin my day. My pant legs soaked and clinging to my legs. Dropless
of cold hard rain. Slippery wet and cold. I feel alone walking in the driving
wet rain. Alone. The word echoes in my mind. Like rain drops pounding on
cement, on my body, hard and cold and uncaring. I’m freezing, wet and alone in
the dark of night. It pounds, splashes, wet rain, hard, slamming, moving
through space to ruin my day, to soak me until I want to scream and throw
myself into a puddle and drown. Muddy, dirty water, dirty, muddy minds. Thrown
together in slush, drowning in cloudy water, sickened by drops of hard rain.

My phone rings. The number is my Doctor’s office. My heart
skips a beat and then starts thudding. The results I’ve been waiting for. I
know they’ll lead to happy elation or downright despair. I can’t handle the
despair. I’ll want to kill myself, no joking. The thought has been evolving in
my mind lately and all I need is something else to ruin my life, another
problem on the pile, another worry, another stressor. It may be better to die
than to live like this because my mind is a fuckin punishment.

With trembling hands I answer the call.

“Hello?”

“Victoria Sawyer?”

“Yes.”

“This is Dr. Perkins. I’ve received your test results from
the pap smear. I’m happy to tell you that you pap results came back completely
normal, however, unfortunately, your STD test revealed that you have
Chlamydia.” The doctor pauses and I almost drop the phone.
Holy shit!!
My
stomach clenches with dread and my palms are instantly sweaty, the phone
slippery in my grip. Everything feels surreal and suddenly the world is not
solid, but spinning.
Must sit down
, I think, collapsing onto the couch
at my parents’ house. Luckily no one is home at the moment to witness my
distress.

“What do I need to do? Can this be treated?” I ask my voice
tight, mind racing. I can’t seem to remember all the details about Chlamydia
from my high school health class.

“Yes, it can be treated, but you will need to come down and
get a prescription for an antibiotic. Your sexual partner will also need to
have a prescription and be treated at the same time as you. This is very
important to prevent re-infection,” she goes on, her voice very scientific and
clinical. “If you come down to our office today I will have two prescriptions
waiting for you.”

My stomach is turning somersaults and heat pours over me. I’m
on fire. No, no, no, no, no, I scream in my mind. This can’t be happening to
me!!

As I hang up the phone, I suddenly feel dirty, my skin
crawling and creeping with disgust. How could this have happened to me? I’ve
only had sex with one person in my entire life and this is what I get from it? I
can’t fuckin believe it. It’s unreal. I can’t handle this. This is it, the end
for me. I drag myself upstairs to my bedroom and lie down on the bed, hugging
my knees. Tears course over my face and my body feels unclean, as though there
is some parasite living inside me, some nasty disease feeding on my body.
I
am disgusting.

Tears stream over my face as I stare at the ceiling at my
artwork, a charcoal drawing, a candle with flame and I imagine myself as an exploding
bomb and I’m trying to hold the pieces together from flying into oblivion and
it is hard, very difficult to not to lose it, to try to stay sane, to stop the
physical feelings that are always present in my body.

I am a failure at life. School is overwhelming, my health
is overwhelming. I’m terrified of pregnancy, STD’s and my mental health. I have
no love. I have nothing. I want to lie down. Never get up. I want to end it. Tears
are disfiguring this page as I try to write. The ink smears. My hand hurts from
writing for so long. And now I’m sick with a cold. My throat hurts so much that
I want to rip it out and my eyes are little slits that burn. I think I’m going
to die. I think I want to. My life sucks.

I am lost. College sucks. It’s incredibly tedious and
boring and yet I can’t succeed. I want to shoot myself in the head to stop the
pain. Simple things don’t even go right for me. I go get new glasses and yup,
they mess it up. I bring my car to get fixed, oh yeah, they messed that up too.
All I want is for something to go right the very first time.

I got my oil changed and oh by the way, you had no oil in
there. Doctors are telling me that things are wrong with me, disgusting,
embarrassing, dirty things. I want to cry, I want to scream. I cannot win. I
don’t want to live inside my own disgusting body.

I can’t believe I didn’t go to class today. I’m going to
flunk out of college. I hate myself. My whole face burns, my nose is plugged up
and I can’t breathe. I’m a miserable piece of shit. I can’t stop panicking
either, did I mention that beautiful tidbit of information? It’s constant now. Never
ending, every single day, every single second, no matter where I go or what I
do. I’m falling over the edge of sanity, right now. Watch me go.