An Underestimated Christmas (Underestimated 3) (29 page)

This was only the second night and they wanted their mommy. How was I supposed to do this alone? Why would I ever want to? The missing mommy charade continued until both their eyes were closed. Of course, I let them go to my bed with the dog. I turned on the television and we watched Rudolph. That helped until Tadpole had to pee.

“No, Tad. You have to go potty down the hall. Mine’s not working.”

“That’s because Mommy fell through the glass. Right?” Nicky asked with no expression. None. He didn’t look sad or frightened, but thanks to John, I knew he was. He just didn’t know how to show me.

“Come here, buddy,” I said, pulling him to my lap while Tadpole ran down the hall. I didn’t know how to do this. I didn’t know what to say to him like Morgan did. Morgan always knew what to say.

“Mommy’s going to come here tomorrow.”

I didn’t even try. I was just going to have to explain it again in the morning. Tadpole saved me by flying into the room naked from the waist down. Why he did that I would never understand. Why did he think he had to remove every piece of clothing to sit on the toilet?

Once he was dressed again, I settled into my routine and sat in front of the fire. Dasher joined me once the boys were finally asleep and once again, I fell asleep sitting up. Morgan woke me a couple hours later, only I wasn’t here.

She looked so young then. She was so pretty. I was in Atlanta, trying to scarf up a failing jewelry store when I flipped on my laptop to see what she was doing. My stressful day of meetings was instantly erased when I watched her slide down the hall in her socks. No wonder my boy’s acted like they did. I laughed again, watching her skate to her ringing phone in her socks.

“What are you doing?” I asked.

“Um, what do you think I am doing? I’m trapped down in this rabbit hole.”

She always did that on the phone when I was a million miles away from her. “You know if I was there, I’d bend you over my knee and beat your ass, don’t you?”

“Of course I know that. You’re going to do it anyway. Was there something you wanted? Can I help you with something?”

“Yeah, you can show me your pussy. I’ve had a long day.” I smiled, watching her roll her eyes.

“Where? Which camera?”

I’m sure I repositioned my cock in my sleep. My eyes watched my young wife pleasure herself through a security camera. I think the throbbing in my dick was what woke me. The flickering fire replaced Morgan’s lustful expression, but nothing was replacing this hard-on.

I opened the bathroom door with the broken shower door and stepped around the glass. John had a guy coming to take care of it on Monday, but I supposed I should clean it up. I made a mental note to do that when the boys laid down for their afternoon nap.

My dominate right hand slid past the elastic on my sweats and to my aching cock. Fuck, I was hard. I stroked it a couple times before sliding my pants down a little. It didn’t take long at all. My mind instantly went back to that time when Morgan did everything I told her to do, and I beat off, thinking about my hand splattering handprints across her ass. I closed my eyes and spewed into her imaginary lips while I coated the palm of my own hand.

Once everything was back to its normal size, I closed the door and crawled in bed beside Nicholas. He sat up, looked at me, looked around for his dog and laid down. I smiled and rubbed his back. God I missed his mommy.

The first three days were the worst. On top of the withdrawals was Nicky and Tad. God, I missed them so much. It bothered me a lot wondering what they thought was going on, what Drew had told them, and what was going through their little minds when I wasn’t there to tuck them in at bedtime. That’s when it was the worst. I hated it once I was alone in my room.

The facility was nice and homey, unlike the hospital room. I had books, a comfortable chair, and my diet wasn’t as restricted as some of the other women there. I suppose I’m one of the lucky ones. I never made it to the point of shooting it in my veins like a lot of these other girls. Not that I wouldn’t have gotten there. I think I eventually would have had I not had this intervention.

The girl from the group, Carlie, was really having a hard time. I felt horrible for her. Heroine was far worse than opiates. Carlie wasn’t even in the dining room that night. She’s really the only one I had talked to there, and that was only because we arrived at the same time. I guess we bonded a little. Carlie had a seven-year-old little girl. She and I sat in admissions together and shared photos of our babies, and then we cried. So yeah, I would say we bonded a little.

I knew she was in bad shape when I walked past her room after a stampede of nurses ran to her room. They were trying to hold her down and strap her arms and legs down. Five people stood around her, trying to gain control of her flailing body. One of the male nurses kicked the door closed when he saw me watching. I walked down to her room a little later and she was asleep, hooked to an I.V.

Drawing a heart on my steamed window, I watched the white blanket of snow, quickly cover the green grass. Twinkling lights kept perfect rhythm with the music, playing softly behind me.

‘It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas, everywhere you go’

“Yeah, an Underestimated Christmas,” I said aloud to the vacant room.

I spelled out Nicky, Tadpole, and Drew and then watched the watery lines run down the window when I ran my finger through Drew’s name.

It was almost ten. They were sound asleep by now. Were they in their own beds or were they in bed with Drew? I always let them sleep with me when Drew wasn’t there. I thought about the clothes that should have arrived and wondered if Drew washed them first. I hoped he did. Nicky always broke out around his neck if you didn’t wash them first. I wasn’t sure I was going to make it two more days to see them. I was ready to check myself out.

“You okay?” one of the nurses said from the door.

“Yeah, just thinking. How’s Carlie doing?”

“She’s leaving.”

“What? Why? Can she do that?”

“Afraid so.”

“Maybe I can talk to her.”

“Would you? Do you mind?”

“No not at all,” I assured her, following her out.

“Hey, you bailing on me?” I asked, sitting on a chair while the I.V. was being pulled from her arm.

“Yeah, I can’t do this. I miss my kid, you know?” she said, using her kid as a crutch to get out of here.

“Yeah, me too, but it’s almost another day. We almost have four days under our belt. One more and we’re half way there,” I explained.

“I’m not like you, Morgan. You’re a lot stronger than me and you’re not coming off of heroine. You don’t know what it’s like. I will do better being around Carol.”

“No, you won’t. You’ll do better staying right here and going home to her healthy.” I picked up Carlie’s hand and placed it over her heart. “You feel that? That’s your proof of purpose. Don’t tell me you don’t have a purpose. She’s waiting for you to come home and celebrate Christmas with her.”

Carlie dropped her hand and cried. “It’s so hard,” she sobbed. I sat on her bed and placed my arm around her shoulders.

“It is hard. It’s hard as hell, but you know what? It doesn’t matter because we’re harder, we’re stronger, and we’re meaner. This isn’t going to bring us down. We’re walking out of here in a few days to a new life, a new beginning. You understand me? We’re walking out of here together sober. Got it?” I asked, holding my pinky to her. We wrapped pinkies and Carlie nodded, agreeing she would stay.

“Guess you didn’t need me after all,” Nicole said from the door.

“I’m sorry. Did they make you come here for me?” Carlie asked, apologizing for making Nicole leave her family on a Sunday night.

“It’s fine, and no they didn’t. I called in to check on a patient. Her husband wouldn’t stop blowing up my phone until I did,” Nicole explained. I smiled, knowing exactly who it was. Nicole sat at the round table and crossed her legs. “What’s going on? Tell me what you were thinking about when you felt like you were going to snap,” she coaxed.

“I can go,” I offered standing.

“No, stay,” Carlie begged. Nicole thanked the lady who wheeled in the cart of coffee and doughnuts.

“It’s almost eleven o’clock,” I unnecessarily announced.

The three of us sat around the table and ate junk food and drank coffee until two in the morning. A lot of things were said that night. I told them both things about Drew and me that I never told anyone else. Carlie also lived with an abusive husband, but unlike Drew, he was still that way.

“They don’t change, Carlie. You need to take Carol and get out of there,” Nicole pleaded. My eyes shifted to my hands. “What?” she questioned my gesture.

“Nothing, just that Drew changed. He would never hit me in the face now.”

“Yeah, Markus doesn’t do that anymore, either,” Carlie assured me with a bit of an attitude.

“No, I didn’t mean it like that. Drew doesn’t hit me at all other than, you know,” I replied, trying to get my foot out of my mouth.

“No, we don’t know.” Carlie coaxed with a nod and raised eyebrows.

“I’m not spelling it out. Drew is doing business with Nicole’s partner. I can’t tell her that stuff.”

“Morgan, does Drew punish you?” Nicole asked concerned.

“What? No. It’s nothing like that. I like it. I want it,” I said, trying to shake the stupid off my hands. Geesh. Being sober made me ignorant.

Nicole and Carlie laughed and I buried my red face. “I hate both of you,” I assured them from behind my hands.

“Morgan’s not the prim and proper little housewife I pegged her to be at all,” Carlie joked.

“Shut up.”

“I bet you’ve even stolen batteries from the remote for all your toys,” Carlie teased.

“No, we’ve only ran out once and we took them from our son’s toy, but in my defense they were going to disappear before he woke anyway. Drew makes sure we don’t run out now,” I countered. Drew would kill me if he knew I was talking about this.

The chest of toys made me wonder who got them in a divorce. I mean, what did couples do with vibrating dildo’s if they split? You couldn’t really use them with someone else.

I told Nicole not to come back for my eight a.m. session, assuring her this was better therapy than I’d had in a long time. It felt good to talk to Carlie and Nicole, and I already had a mental plan going on inside of my head to help Carlie.

When I sat with Carlie the next day at lunch I felt like that bond was a little stronger. I wanted to help.

“Where’s your Carol right now, Carlie,” I asked, looking down to my two hardboiled eggs. I started to complain until I saw Carlie’s slimy green juice. I’d take the high in protein eggs.

“She’s with Markus’s grandmother. She’s the one paying for this place for me.”

“Really? Where’s your family?”

“They’re in Raleigh, North Carolina. I don’t really talk to them, not since I left after getting pregnant with Carol. Markus got hired as a contractor here. That’s why we moved to Buffalo.”

“I have a house in Rodanthe,” I explained, and then wish I hadn’t. Up until that point, I was just like her. It felt good, and I didn’t want to be judged.

“I knew you had money,” she teased. “I could tell by the way you carry yourself.”

“Shut up, you could not.”

“Oh, yes I could. You’ve either had it shoved in your ass one too many times, or you’ve been conditioned to walk like your shit don’t stink.”

Hmmm. Let it go Morgan…

“Where is Markus? Why isn’t he with your daughter?”

“She’s not his. He wouldn’t take care of her. Besides, I wouldn’t leave her with him for one day anyway.”

“Maybe it’s time to talk to your folks, Carlie. My mom did some pretty shitty things to me when I was growing up, too, but I talk to her, I’ve forgiven her. You have to, Carlie. It’ll eat at you like crazy if you don’t.”

“Okay, now you’re starting to worry me. You trying to take my job?” Nicole teased, sitting with us. “You guys got me in trouble for the doughnuts.”

“Good morning. Did you see my boys? Did you tell them I loved them? Did you take a picture?”

“Yes. Yes. Yes. Geesh, hang on,” Nicole said, retrieving her phone. “He’s supposed to be an angel,” Nicole explained, showing me Tadpole holding two wings at the end of his hands. “He didn’t want to be an angel. He wanted to be T-Rex.”

“A T-Rex doesn’t fly,” I smiled a mouth-hurting smile, thinking about Tadpole insisting he was a T-Rex.

“Super-power T-Rex does,” Nicole assured me, sliding out of her coat.

I swiped my finger across her phone to see my big boy Nicky. He was on his knees with his eyes squinted. Dasher’s paw’s rested on his chest and he licked his face.

“Oh, my god. That’s freaking adorable. Look at this, Carlie,” I said, showing her the photo. “You’re sending these to my phone, right?” I asked. I couldn’t wait to get it back.

“Yes, now let’s get back to therapy. I have to be back at the barn this afternoon.”

“What are you doing?” I asked, knowing I was missing it all.

“We’re making Christmas cards for Mommy and Daddy. Now, funny you should mention your mother. That’s what we were going to discuss today. Who wants to start?”

Carlie went first and we listened to how she was always close with her parents but mostly her mom. It wasn’t until her senior year of high school that things got crazy. Typical teenage stuff, drinking, smoking weed, sex—well, for most girls, anyway. Not me. My mind focused more on that while Carlie talked about her middle-class upbringing.

I didn’t get to do a lot of things most girls did. I skipped my fun years to be a sex slave for Drew while he fucked someone else for half our marriage. Wait. Wasn’t I just telling Carlie she had to forgive? I’m sure Carlie wasn’t treated the way I was, though. Was I still holding on to that? Maybe it was knowing I never had that chance. The most freedom I ever had was the two years I was Rylie Murphy. I was too afraid to do anything then, until Dawson, anyway.

Dawson and I wouldn’t be having these problems. I was sure of that. Dawson and I would never argue, let alone in front of our children. Hindsight. But it still made me wonder what he was doing, how his little girl was, and whether or not he and Loren worked things out.

“And you said you’re close with your mom now, Morgan?” Nicole asked, pulling me from my Dawson thoughts.

“No, I mean, sort of. We talk, I just don’t talk to her like I would like to.”

“Tell me why?”

I shrugged both my shoulders. “I don’t want to.”

“I thought you said you’ve forgiven her,” Carlie questioned.

“Oh, I have. I’m extremely happy she found Jason and she had Caroline. She got her second chance and she’s an amazing mother and wife now. That doesn’t change the fact that my little brother and I were the ones to suffer for that second chance. I have forgiven her, I love her and I am happy she’s happy. I don’t want to be her friend. I’m here if she ever needs anything and I know the street goes both ways, but I’m fine with it left right there.”

“That doesn’t feel like forgiveness to me. I think you’re holding a lot back that you haven’t told her. You’re angry that she was so able to pick up and start over without you. Where’s your brother? Do you talk to him?”

“Yes, on occasion. He was adopted to a very nice family right before I married Drew. He’s going to school to be an engineer. The last email I got from him said he was dating a very nice girl and he thought he was in love,” I explained, smiling. The Justin topic was easier than my mother topic.

“Tell me what you’re angry at your mother for,” Nicole coaxed, glancing at me over the brim of her cup. Her eyes were very pretty, a dark green color, like pine maybe. I wondered what my hair would look like short like that. Drew would kill me, but I liked the short, choppy look. It looked easy.