An Unbroken Heart (23 page)

No, she couldn't. Calling off the wedding had been the right thing to do. She wasn't
ready to be a wife. But she shouldn't have been a coward about it.
Be strong and
courageous . . .
It was about time she started living that way.

She went back to the kitchen with the intent of telling Sadie not to worry about
her anymore, but she found the kitchen empty. She glanced at the clock on the wall
and saw that it was past eight. Sadie must have gone to the store. Aden was either
with her or working on his new project, now that he and Sol had finished the bee
frames. He'd started to replace the roof on the barn, then stopped to help out with
the wedding.

Now that she was standing in the kitchen, she saw signs of the wedding celebration
everywhere—the countertops and table were covered with desserts and food that didn't
need to be kept in the ice cooler. She looked at the delicious array, and her stomach
growled. She sat down, pulled the plastic wrap off a plate of brownies, and shoved
one in her mouth. It tasted delicious. She closed her eyes, reveling in the taste
of chocolate and only slightly wondering how she could enjoy it so much when everything
in her life was more upside down than ever. When she heard the outside door to the
kitchen open, she stopped chewing. Naomi walked inside.

“Sadie said not to bother knocking. She thought you'd be
up by now.” Naomi shut the
door behind her. “I was hoping we could talk.”

Joanna swallowed the rest of the brownie. She looked down at her hands and was surprised
to see they weren't shaking. She wasn't rubbing her nose, either. Still, she steeled
herself for the berating she deserved as she sat down. Naomi sat beside her but didn't
say anything for a moment. She simply moved a couple of the pies out of the way so
she could put her hands on the table. She clasped them together.

“How is Andrew?” Joanna couldn't believe she asked the question, but she genuinely
wanted to know.

“That's a
gut
sign.”

“What is?”

To Joanna's surprise, Naomi smiled. “You're asking about
mei sohn
.”

Tears filled Joanna's eyes as she looked at Andrew's mother. “I'm sorry,” she said,
her vocal cords drawing tight. “For everything.”

“I know you are. This isn't all
yer
fault, so don't blame yourself.”

“
Ya
, it's
mei
fault. I called off the wedding.”

“There never should have been a wedding in the first place.” Naomi sighed. “I know
mei
son. He can be persistent. Pushy, even, when he wants something.”

“He wasn't pushing me.”

“Wasn't he?”

Joanna picked at a brownie crumb. “I wanted to make him happy.”

“And he wanted more than anything to marry you.”

Joanna felt a tear slip down her cheek, followed by another one. “I thought I wanted
to marry him too. Before the accident—”

“Everything was different before the accident.” Naomi covered Joanna's hand with
her own. “Including Andrew. When we were told what happened, and how you were in
surgery with serious injuries, we didn't know if you were going to live. That devastated
him. I'd never seen him so worried or upset. That's when I knew he loved you. When
Andrew gives his heart, he gives it fully. But that doesn't mean he's always right.”

“I love him. Despite what I did to him yesterday, I love him.”

“And despite what you did yesterday, I believe he still loves you.”

“I don't see how that's possible.”

“Then you need to take some steps to rectify
yer
situation. Apologizing to him would
be a
gut
start.”

Joanna swallowed. “I doubt he'll even see me.”

“You won't know until you try.” Naomi released her hand. “
Kumme
by tonight and talk
to him.”

“I . . .” Yesterday she couldn't bring herself to face Andrew. Now she was desperate
to see him. “I will.”

Naomi stood. “Supper is at six. Stay if you'd like to eat with us.” She put her hand
on Joanna's shoulder. “I believe you two will find
yer
way back to each other. And
when you do get married, both of you will be ready.”

Joanna wished she had Naomi's confidence. What she had done to Andrew was unforgivable.
Yet she had to ask for forgiveness, even if he wouldn't give it to her.

That evening Sadie drove Joanna to the Beilers'. Abigail was still upset with her,
and she hadn't said more than a few words to her the entire day. Before Joanna and
Sadie left, Abigail went back to the store after closing time, something she rarely
did.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” Sadie asked as she guided the buggy toward Andrew's
house.

Joanna thought about the conversation she had witnessed between Sadie and Aden that
morning. If her sister was upset with her, she was hiding it well. Sadie seemed as
steady and supportive as ever. Joanna also wondered about the secret Aden mentioned.
She was curious, but Joanna wouldn't pry. Whatever her brother-in-law was referring
to was none of her business, and if Sadie wanted her to know, she would tell her.
Joanna had to respect that.

“Joanna?”

Sadie's voice brought Joanna out of her thoughts. “Sorry.
Ya
, I want to do this.
I have to tell him I'm sorry.” She looked out the buggy's opening. “I have so many
people to apologize to.”

“
Nee
, you don't. We all understand.”

“Abigail doesn't. And I doubt Andrew will.”

“Abigail is fighting her own battles, Joanna. I believe she loved Joel more than
we thought. He hurt her deeply. Her anger toward you might be displaced.”

“She would probably still be with him if she hadn't had to stay with me in Middlefield.”

“If their relationship couldn't stand a few weeks of distance, then it wouldn't withstand
a marriage. It's
gut
that Joel was honest with her now, even though she's hurting
from it.”

“Like I should have been honest with Andrew.”

“
Yer
situation is different. The accident—”

“I know I messed up, Sadie. You don't have to make excuses for me.”

“I'm not. Joanna, I love you. I know you're hurting, both physically and emotionally.
But we've all been affected by what happened to you.” She huffed out a breath. “None
of us has talked about it. Abigail hasn't, and I've been afraid to bring it up with
you. I didn't want to cause you more pain. But maybe if we had talked about the accident
before the wedding, you would have been able to
geh
through with it.”

Joanna sat back in her seat, letting Sadie's words soak in. She was right. They hadn't
talked about the accident. They talked about missing their parents, and they had
become closer as sisters recently. But they hadn't discussed the actual incident.
“I don't remember much of what happened.”

Sadie glanced at her. “I'm sorry. I shouldn't have brought this up now.”

“
Nee
, you're right. I do need to talk about it.” She twisted one of the folds of
her dress. “Right before the car hit us, I told
Mamm
and
Daed
I wanted to marry Andrew.”
She didn't reveal that Andrew had rebuffed her proposal. She remembered how hurt
she'd been when he'd done that. How angry she was. But the way she had rejected Andrew
was ten times worse.

“What did they say?”

“They weren't happy. Especially
Mamm
. She said we weren't ready, and she was right.
Mamm
knew more about me than I did.” She paused. “I haven't told anyone that. Not
even Andrew. I wanted to prove to everyone that I was ready to get married. That
I could be a
gut
wife.”

“You will be.”

“Maybe. Someday.”
If Andrew ever forgives me.
“When I was
about to walk down the
aisle, I realized I didn't want a one-sided marriage. That's why I couldn't
geh
through
with it.”

“You're doubting he loves you?”

“
Nee
. That's not what I mean.” She paused, struggling to admit how weak she felt,
how weak she really was. But if she wanted to be strong, she needed to be honest.
“I don't want Andrew to have to take care of me.”

Sadie guided the buggy down Andrew's road. “He wouldn't. Right now you're a little
bit limited, but it wouldn't always be that way.”

“I'm not talking about that, either.” Joanna sighed. Sadie wouldn't understand. She
had always been independent. Her goal had been to run the store, and now she was
doing it, and she would have accomplished that even if their parents were alive.
Abigail was witty and gregarious, and she loved fiercely. What was Joanna? A mouse.
A coward. She wasn't truthful with Andrew or herself. Now they were both paying the
consequences.

Andrew's house was a short distance away. Sadie didn't respond until she pulled
the buggy into the driveway. She turned to Joanna. “We can talk about this later
if you want. Just know that keeping everything bottled inside isn't
gut
. Trust me,
I know from firsthand experience.” She gestured to the house. “Do you want me to
stay out here and wait for you?”

“Please, come inside with me?” Now that she was here she was afraid to see Andrew
alone. She reached for her crutches and used them to get out of the buggy. She didn't
trust herself without them when she wasn't at home. She and Sadie walked to Andrew's
front door, her stomach a knot of dread. What could she say that would convince him
how sorry she was?

Sadie knocked on the door, and it opened immediately. It
was Irene. Her lips pressed
together for a moment, and Joanna felt her disapproval. Naomi might easily forgive,
but Irene wouldn't. Joanna wasn't surprised. The Beiler siblings looked out for each
other.

“
Mamm
said you'd be stopping by to talk to Andrew. He's out back, near the garden.
Sadie,
kumme
in.
Mamm
and I have almost finished making supper.” She looked at Joanna,
her sharp gaze mellowing slightly. “Will you let Andrew know?”

“Ya.”

Sadie gave Joanna an encouraging smile, then joined Irene and went inside. Joanna
stood alone on the porch, leaning on her crutches. It was a fairly far walk to the
back of the Beilers' property. She removed the crutches from underneath her arms
and looked at them. She was so tired of depending on them. She leaned them against
the porch railing. Maybe not using them was a mistake. Maybe she'd fall flat on
her face in front of Andrew. But she had to try to walk to him without them.
I can
do this.

It took twice as long for her to reach the garden than it would have if she wasn't
limping. But she felt some freedom without the crutches, her legs strengthening a
little with each step as her nerves tightened. She found Andrew where she expected
him to be, at one of his favorite spots overlooking the sweeping pasture behind his
property, which gave a gorgeous view of the sunset. Today it was cloudy, and there
would be no beautiful, colorful display.

He stood there, his back to her, his hands in his pockets. He'd always been so strong,
and not just physically. But now his wide shoulders were slumped, his head hanging
slightly. As she neared him her palms grew slick. She nearly tripped but managed
to regain her balance. He must have heard her, because he
turned around. He didn't
move toward her. When she got close enough to see the hard set of his jaw, she gulped.

“What are you doing here?” His blue eyes were icy.

“I . . .” Her voice stuck in her throat. “I came to apologize.”

“Fine. I forgive you.” He turned around, giving her his back.

“Andrew—”

“There's nothing else to say.” He crossed his arms but didn't turn around. “You made
yer
feelings perfectly clear yesterday.”

She moved to stand in front of him. “I don't want to leave things like this between
us—”

“There is
nee us
.” He scowled and dropped his arms. “Not anymore.
Geh
home, Joanna.
You got what you came for.”

“I love you. Despite everything, I do.”

“You have a strange way of showing it.” His voice sounded strained, as if his vocal
cords were going to snap. “Was this
yer
plan to get me back for hurting you? I didn't
know you were vindictive. Then again,” he sneered, “I don't think I know you at all.”

“Andrew, please. I can explain.”

“I don't want to hear it.” He started to walk away, then turned and stalked back
to her. “You had the most important part of me—
mei
heart. If you loved me, you would
have been honest with me. If you didn't want to get married, you should have told
me.”