An Unbroken Heart (22 page)

“I can't marry him.” She kept her gaze straight ahead. “I won't marry him.”

Abigail got up and sat down on the other side of the bed.
“Okay, we don't have to
do this today. It won't be a problem to wait until tomorrow—”

“Nee.”
Joanna's voice was firmer, and she took the washcloth from Sadie and tossed
it
on
the floor. “I can't marry him at all.”

“For goodness' sake, why not?” Abigail's voice rose. “Why would you do this, Joanna?
Andrew loves you. Do you know how special that is? How precious it is to be loved
so deeply that everyone can see it?”

“Abigail—” Sadie said.

“
Nee
, I won't be quiet.” She popped up from the bed. “I can't believe you would do
this to him.” She started to cry. “I know how much Joel hurt me. I can't imagine
what Andrew's going through right now.”

Joanna didn't say anything. She didn't shed a tear.

“How can you sit there like stone? Don't you love him, Joanna?”

She slowly turned and looked up at Abigail, her eyes still dry.
“Ya,”
she said truthfully.
“I love him.”

“Then why can't you marry him?”

Joanna looked away. Abigail huffed and stormed out of the room.

Sadie got up from the bed and picked up the washcloth. She folded it in half, then
in quarters. “What should I tell him?” she asked quietly.

“To leave.” Joanna looked up at her sister. “Tell him to leave.” Sadie opened her
mouth to say something but only shook her head. She walked out of the room and shut
the door.

Joanna lay on the bed, curling up on her side, her mother's wedding dress wrinkling
beneath her. She kept staring at the wall in front of her. Her mind, which had been
racing for so
long, finally quieted, until she wasn't thinking about anything. Gray
haze covered her thoughts until her eyes closed and she fell asleep.

For the first time since the accident, she slept in complete peace.

Andrew lifted the square hay bales in the corner of the barn and tossed them up into
the loft. Normally he did this job using a ladder and situated the bales in a way
that he could pack most of them in. But he didn't care. He'd spent the last several
hours in here, throwing up hay bales, scattering straw all over until his church
clothes were covered in it and he was bathed in sweat. After his non-wedding he had
driven to Birch Creek, tethered Fred and the buggy, and walked along the creek bank,
trying to collect his senses and dispel his anger. When that hadn't worked he'd gone
home and started stacking bales. His horses had been startled. They could sense something
was wrong, but they eventually settled down. Andrew couldn't say the same for himself.

“You're going to run yourself into the ground,” Asa said, walking up to him.

Andrew hurled the bale at the loft. It hit another bale and landed on the barn floor.
Andrew
stormed past Asa and grabbed the bale and flung it back up again.

“Have you been here all night?” Asa asked.

Breathing heavily, Andrew glared at him. He didn't want to talk, not even to Asa.
“
Geh
away,” he said, looking around for another bale. But that was the last one.
Seeing that seemed to
strip him of his energy, and he leaned his back against the
barn wall. “I'm not in the mood for a pep talk.”

“I didn't come to give you one.” Asa shoved his hands into the pockets of his pegged
jeans. Not his Sunday clothes, which he'd been wearing at the wedding.

“What time is it?” Andrew asked dully.

“Just past dawn.”

“Then, yeah. I've been here all night.”

Asa shuffled his feet against the straw strewn on the floor. “You gonna be okay?”

He narrowed his eyes at Asa. “My fiancée dumped me. She won't see me. What do you
think?”

“Sorry. Dumb question.”

Andrew pressed the bottom of his palm to his forehead. “I don't mean to take it out
on you, Asa.”

“Hey, I don't mind. That's why I'm here.”

“I can't believe she did this.” He dropped his hand and started to pace.

“I'm sure she didn't mean to—”

“
Ya
, she meant to.” He clenched his lips together before speaking again. “She could
have told me she was having second thoughts. I knew something was wrong. But she
kept telling me everything was fine.”

“Andrew, give her a break.”

“I tried!” He shoved his hands through his hair and started pacing. “She's the one
shutting
me
out. I wanted to be there for her after the accident. She wouldn't take
my
calls,
didn't want me to visit. But I understood. Then when we were finally able
to
talk,
I thought I'd convinced her she could trust me. That we would be better
together
than
apart.” He crouched to the floor,
holding his head in his hands. “Now she doesn't
want to have anything to do with me.”

“I'm sure that's not the case. Give her a little while. She'll come around.”

Andrew looked up at his friend. “I don't care if she does.” Which wasn't completely
true. If he had a lick of sense, he wouldn't care anything about her after her desertion,
yet he still did.
I still love her.
But he wouldn't let her into his heart again.
He couldn't afford another emotional blow. He looked down again and heard Asa's heavy
sigh.

“If you need anything, let me know.”

Andrew didn't look up, didn't acknowledge his friend's offer. He stared at the dirty,
straw-laden
floor
in front of him as he heard Asa leave. After a long moment, he
stood,
the
ache in his chest so acute he didn't think he could bear it. He'd given
Joanna
his
heart, and she'd shredded it. In front of everyone. How could he recover
from
that?

He didn't know what time it was when he finished in the barn. He headed for the house
and stopped when he saw the addition bathed in the cool light of dawn. His teeth
ground together. He should be inside with his bride right now, not out here alone
and hurting. He stormed to the addition and kicked down the door, anger and pain
pulsing through him. He stood in the tiny living room, his chest heaving as he looked
around at the home he'd worked so hard to make for Joanna. Just the sight of the
closed bedroom door made him want to throw up. He ran out of the addition and back
into the barn, grabbed a sledgehammer, and went back inside the new part of the house.
He'd tear the place down to studs. He couldn't bear to look at the monument to his
pain.

He lifted the hammer to plant the heavy sledge into the freshly painted drywall .
. . and stopped. Every ounce of energy drained from him. Dropping the sledgehammer,
he staggered to the couch and collapsed. He put his head in his hands and sobbed.

Joanna awakened the next morning, still wearing her mother's wedding dress. Sunlight
bathed her room, and she rubbed her eyes and stretched. Her hips ached a little less
this morning. She briefly wondered why but didn't dwell on it. When she was completely
awake, she sat up, and the previous day's event hit her in the chest like a brick.

What had she done? She covered her face with her hands, shame filling her. She'd
hurt the man she loved. Abigail was furious with her. Sadie was confused. And the
entire district had seen her run away from Andrew. What did she do after that? Slept
like a baby.

She dropped her hands and looked at the end of the bed for Homer, but he wasn't there.
Great. He was probably mad at her too. How could she face anyone? They probably all
thought she was crazy. Right now, she thought she was crazy.

But she was compelled to get out of bed. Hiding wouldn't solve anything. She eventually
had to face what she'd done, and she'd start with her family. She quickly dressed
and started for the kitchen. She was partway out of her room when she realized she
had forgotten her crutches. She looked down at her legs. They were steadier than
they had been since the accident. As she put one foot in front of the other, she
felt balanced. She still
hurt, and she stumbled a bit, but the difference from how
she was yesterday was astonishing.

She was about to enter the kitchen when she heard Sadie's and Aden's voices. They
were speaking in low tones, and she could tell it was a private conversation. She
didn't want to intrude and was about to turn and go back to her room when Sadie mentioned
Joanna's name.

“I should
geh
and check on Joanna,” Sadie said.

Joanna stilled as she heard the chair scrape against the floor. Although she didn't
need
her
crutches right now, she wasn't agile enough to rush back to her room.

“Let her sleep,” Aden said. “She obviously needs it.”

“But I'm worried about her. Aren't you?”

Aden didn't respond right away. Finally, he said, “
Ya
. I'm worried about Andrew too.
But we can't interfere.”

“I don't think making sure
mei schwester
is all right is interfering.”

Sadie sounded sharp and angry. Joanna peeked around the doorjamb. She and Aden were
sitting next to each other at the kitchen table. Sadie was rubbing her palm against
the tabletop while Aden remained still beside her.

“I should have done something,” Sadie said, her tone abating a bit.

“Like what?”

“I don't know!” She pressed her fingers against her temples. “There were . . . signs.”

Aden tilted his head. “What kind of signs?”

Sadie looked at him. “She's been losing weight. She's been anxious. She works too
hard. Then there are the nightmares.” She shook her head. “It was too soon for her
to get married. I
didn't even know she and Andrew were that serious until Abigail
told me about their engagement.”

“I guess you and I aren't the only ones who can keep a secret.” Aden said the words
without a hint of humor.

Joanna's brow lifted, Aden's words cutting through her growing guilt.
What secret?

“I don't understand why they didn't wait. If they had, we'd be celebrating after
their wedding, not worrying.” She clasped her hands together so tightly her knuckles
turned white. “Then there's Abigail. She's hurt because of Joel, and she's upset
with Joanna.”

She saw Aden get up from the table and kneel in front of Sadie. He took her hands
in his. “I think you've had some happiness,
ya
?”

Sadie looked down at her lap.
“Ya,”
she said softly. “I want that happiness for
mei
schwesters
too.”

Aden touched Sadie's chin so tenderly a lump formed in Joanna's throat. “You're worrying
too much,
lieb
.”

“I have a right to worry, don't you think?”

“Sadie, you need to trust that God is in control. Like he was with us.” Aden rose,
bringing Sadie up with him. “Joanna is an adult. You can't control her or Andrew.
You can't fix their relationship or take away Abigail's pain. You can only love and
pray for them. Let God do the rest.” He held out his arms. “
Kumme
here,” he said.

Sadie leaned against him, her cheek resting on his chest as he ran his hand up and
down her back. “It's so hard. They're all I have left.”

He rested his chin on her head. “You'll always have me.”

She pulled away and looked up at him. When Aden dipped his head toward Sadie's, Joanna
stepped away from the kitchen.

Unsure where to go, she made her way to the living room and leaned against the sage-green
armchair where her mother used to sit. Amid the guilt and remorse she felt for causing
everyone so much trouble, seeing Aden comfort Sadie, witnessing the love between
them, made her long for Andrew.
I could be with him right now.