An Officer but No Gentleman (25 page)

“Take your time and hire the right man.”

“I’ll probably have to go to a larger port to find someone. I’m tempted to fire everyone, put her in dry-dock and hire a new crew when she’s been refitted.”

“Go back to your old life?”

“Aye,” she said quietly. “If I change the ship’s name, I think I could get away with it.”

Charlie could barely contain her emotions at the thought of going back to her old life. How could she go back to that lonely existence when she had tasted this other life?

“I can’t do anything until Grayson returns.”

“Of course.”

“If you’ll excuse me, my ship is a disaster.”

“I’ll send our lock picker in a minute.”

“Thank you, Jaxon,” she said as she walked through the door.

28

The knock came on her cabin door within ten minutes of her return to her ship.

“Enter,” she called out lifting her head from her task of updating her logbook.

“Sir, the captain from
The Dragon’s Lair
is here,” Benjy said poking his head in the door.

“Ma’am,” she heard Jaxon correcting from behind the door.

“Right, ma’am. And he’s got his locksmith with him.”

Charlie rose from her desk and came towards the door. “Assemble the men on deck in fifteen minutes, Benjy. All hands.”

“Aye, sir.”

“Ma’am,” Jaxon corrected again.

“Aye, sir. Ma’am.”

Charlie pulled the door open the rest of the way as Benjy hurried off to do her
bidding. Standing next to Jaxon was the third man who had helped take her uniform. Charlie involuntarily took a step backwards and cursed before she got control of herself.

Her face became stony and she stepped forward crossing her arms across her chest. Jaxon didn’t miss the short-lived instinctual reaction to the sight of Romy and realized he must’ve been one of the men who stripped her. He didn’t understand how she could hide her emotions like that.

“How’s the shoulder?” she asked icily looking straight at Romy.

“My shoulder’s fine, it’s my ribs that still ache.”

“It’s the door at the end of the corridor.”

After Romy had stepped away
, Jaxon asked if he could come in. Charlie stepped back allowing him entrance and he closed the door.

“I’m sorry; I didn’t realize he was with Daniel.”

“What’s done is done.”

Jaxon nodded absently looking around at her sparse cabin.

“Did you want something?” she asked.

“I—
” Jaxon pulled at his collar. “It’s just a matter of…. Criminy, Charlie, I ruined you. I was brought up to take responsibility for my actions and….”

“I release you from your
duty,” she said tersely. She didn’t want him to marry her because he felt he had to.

“But no man—
”

“It doesn’t signify. I should imagine, you are the only man who will ever ask me.”

Jaxon stared at her unable to fathom why she would ever believe he was her only chance at marriage. She was beautiful and kind and had a strength and fire about her that was irresistible.

“Even if I can’t find a captain who will let me serve, I’m still half-owner and entitled to fifty percent of the owner’s cut. I don’t have to have a husband to support me like other women.”

“Perhaps not, but marriage is not always a financial decision. The man who would marry you for financial gain may be more tolerant of the fact you were not untried. But a love match will not be so forgiving.”

She knew at that moment, she would never give her heart again. How could she allow herself to fall in love and risk this kind of pain again?

“You just told me you don’t love me and you don’t want to marry me. I don’t understand these land rules. I never have.”

“Land rules?”

“You understand my meaning. The thought of marrying me now is quite abhorrent to you and yet you would do it because we engaged in marital relations.”

“I’d hardly call the thought of marrying you abhorrent.”

“Distasteful, then.”

“Stop putting words in my mouth. I am not the blackguard you are trying to make me out to be. I am trying to do right by you.”

“No,” she said quietly. “I know the blame lies with me. But you are wrong to think I don’t want to marry you because I can have my old life back.”

Just then there was a knock. Jaxon who was standing closer to the door opened it.

“It’s unlocked,” Romy said.

“Thanks,” Jaxon said and dismissed him with a curt nod. “Whatever your reasons, Charlie, I only wish you well.”

Jaxon left without another word.

Charlie bit her lip and wondered if she would ever understand these land rules. Yes, she left the party to see to Morty’s hurt feelings
, but she had never said she didn’t want to marry him until he said he didn’t love her. But he acted like she had broken off the engagement. The last thing she wanted was her old life back.

Charlie went into her father’s cabin and retrieved the keys off his desk and made her way to the quarterdeck. As she looked out over the assembled men
, Charlie felt a lump rise in her throat. She may have had conflict with them prior to being abandoned, but in the end, they had come back for her and for that, she was grateful. Tears threatened to come, but she forced them back. Now was the time to be strong.

“I want to thank you all for coming after me. It means more to me than you will ever know. My gratitude will be reflected when you receive your pay at the end of the month.”

Murmurs of approval came from the crew.

“Of course
, this is a time of uncertainty for all of us. I will speak to the harbor master today and try to find a new captain. If I can’t find one here, we will go to a larger port and try there.”

“Are you planning on staying with the ship?” a voice called out.

Charlie sighed. She didn’t know.

“It will depend on the new captain. If I stay, it will be as first mate, not second. My father always intended for me to take the reins when I was ready. I would like to do that for him.”

“I’m not taking orders from a woman,” Fanzel said.

“Mr. Fanzel, I know you are not the only one who feels that way and I understand completely. You were not on my watch
, but I feel if you talk to the men who were, you’ll find I am quite competent.”

“Why did you lock Morty up?” another man called out.

“He found out my secret.”

The men began grumbling.

“I also accosted her,” Morty jumped in. “I took liberties that were unwelcome. My punishment was fair.”

Charlie gasped. For Morty just to say that in front of the men could lead to violence. Her father had always been careful to hire family men and men of moral character.

“That’s not true. Morty did no such thing. He kissed me, that’s all. No harm done.”

His discovery had been accidental and if they thought he had done it intentionally
, they might have hurt him. Offhandedly, she wondered what they’d do if they found out she had been bedded by Jaxon.

“I don’t know yet what I’m going to do. It will greatly depend on whether I can find a captain who will let me serve.”

“You should be captain,” Morty shouted.

Charlie smiled at him. “Someday, maybe, but for the time being, we need to get this ship back in order. There will be no shore leave while she looks like this. Starboard watch, you may go below. Larboard watch, it’s time to get to work. Carpenter, as soon as I have these men working, I will need your report about how the repairs are progressing.”

29

Captain Jaxon Bloodworthy cast one last glance down the pier toward Charlie’s ship. He sighed and made his way slowly away from the docks toward his townhouse. He didn’t understand how it could all go so wrong so fast. He supposed it was what happens when you act so impulsively.

How much did he truly know about Charlie? He had to concede with the exception of the lies she told to protect herself, everything she ever told him was true. She was the second mate of her ship and now half-owner. She had lived nearly her wh
ole life on that ship—as a man. She could fight. She had medical training. And yet he could not accept that she loved him. But, he had to remind himself she also loved Thor or whatever that blonde-headed Viking god’s name was. Morty.

One thing Jaxon knew about himself was he didn’t share. What was his was his. If someone else had a claim to something he possessed, he do without rather than share. That was the way it was when he was expected to share his toy soldiers and wooden swords with Grayson. That’s the way it was now.

Why could his brothers see his life so much clearer than he could? Daniel had been right. When he came to women, Jaxon’s judgment was absolutely skewed. When he thought about how many years he gave to thinking he was in love with Millie, wanting to marry her and sure what he felt was love, he shook his head. Afterwards, he could see indications in her letters that he had ignored of what kind of person she was. But he dismissed her flaws as poor communication skills or as taken out of context. Later, when he reread the letters with clear eyes, he could see her for what she was. She was completely self-absorbed and critical of everyone and everything. She was a woman who practiced complaining as diligently as a virtuoso worked to master the pianoforte. She complained if she had to wait her turn or if someone had a dress made out of the same material as hers. When he read the letters originally, he thought they were written in a tongue-in-cheek fashion and she was being funny, but when he read them again, he realized she had no sense of humor, no patience for others and an enormous sense of entitlement.

And he thought he was madly in love with her.

It was obvious he wanted to be in love with Charlie and wanted her to love him back therefore he had created this fantasy in his mind. It would take some time, he was sure, but eventually he would have some clarity where Charlie was concerned, also.

Grayson must have been right. Although Grayson believed Charlie had only latched onto him to improve her lot, Jaxon felt it was less cut and dry than that. Charlie had to have been frightened by being abandoned by her ship. Yes, her reasons for choosing him over someone like Daniel probably was the knowledge that Jaxon had fewer options with women. Not many women could look pas
t his scars, but he reminded himself, even before she knew her ship had left, Charlie looked him straight in the eye.

It was pitiful to admit, that was all it took.

Criminy, she was such a contradiction. At one moment she was afraid of nothing, the next, she seemed terribly vulnerable.

It was unfair to compare Charlie to Millie, he knew. They were nothing alike. Charlie was thoughtful. Even on her first day aboard, she had brought his meal to his cabin and she worried about him when he had a fever. He choked up when he thought about what she did for Jimmy when he lay dying. She didn’t even know him and although he was unconscious and probably didn’t hear a word of it, she tried to comfort him.

And if there was an opposite of feeling entitled that would have been Charlie. It wasn’t that she felt unworthy; it was simply that she had such a great appreciation for everything given to her. Who ever heard of a woman crying over a pair of silk stockings?

He smiled at the thought. She was so naïve and innocent about so many things. Not as innocent as she had been before he met her.

Criminy. He ruined her. He would have never touched her if he wasn’t going to marry her. That was not well done of him at all.

Damnation.

Jaxon didn’t want to think of the prospect of Charlie marrying sometime in the future and having to explain why her virginity had already been lost. He had heard tales of men nearly beating their wives to death over that very thing. Charlie might be able to defend herself from violence, but some men might make her pay in other ways.

With a scowl marring his face, he approached his townhouse and saw his younger sister Jayne sitting on the steps. She jumped up when she spotted him.

“Hello, Jaxon. Where’s Charlie?”

Jaxon didn’t know how to tell her that they had decided to go their separate ways.

“She’s on her ship.”

“Oh,” she said. “Do you suppose since I’m here, I could look at the books in your library.”

“Of course,” he said unlocking the door and letting her enter the house first. “Did you come over to see Charlie?”

“There’s so much to do and so little time. I want you to know I’m taking my role as maid of honor very seriously.”

“Jayne, I don’t know how to tell you this, but Charlie and I aren’t getting married.”

His sister gasped, her eyes wide with surprise. “Jaxon, you can’t.”

“I can’t?”

“My heavens, we will all be ruined. Can’t you see? This is your second broken engagement, the first one after an extended engagement and this one after you’ve ruined Charlie’s reputation. I can only imagine what people have been saying about Charlie staying in your house. They no doubt tried to overlook it since you planned to marry her
, but now…. You’ll ruin the whole family.”

“No one will judge the rest of the family based on my actions. Our family has always been respectable.”

“No? Mother wanted me to debut last year, but now mothers will steer their sons away from me because if one child has bad morals, the others might as well. The only attention I will get is from men who hope my principles match yours.”

“Your four oldest brothers will see to it no one gives you the wrong type of attention.”

“This is not about me,” she snapped. “Anyone who’s ever met Charlie knows how naïve she is. They will say you took advantage—nay, unfair advantage of her ignorance. You will be the worst type of villain.”

Jaxon ran his hand through his hair. “I told her this morning, I would do right by her and
she said it didn’t matter—she would probably never marry.”

Jayne gasped at the implication and struck him on the chest. “Are you telling me you ruined more than her reputation?”

Jaxon cringed realizing Jayne did not know he had slept with her until that moment. She had simply taken him at his word that he would wait until the marriage.

“You promised Mother that you could wait.”

“Jayne—”

“Jaxon—
Do you not understand why Charlie said she would not marry someone else? There are only two reasons I can think of. Either she will not marry because you have ruined her or because she cannot imagine marrying anyone but you.”

He hated being lectured by a girl barely out of the school room
, but he let her continue because he knew she was saying what everyone would say.

“I told you already, she will not have me.”

“If you love her, you will find a way to convince her.”

He stared at his younger sister and hesitantly admitted, “I don’t know if I ever loved her.”

Jayne struck him again. “You don’t know? You ruined a maiden you did not love? You truly are a reprobate.”

“I thought I loved her. I was just wrong.”

“Well, then it will be doubly dreadful when you’re forced to take her as wife.”

Jaxon stared at the young woman before him and wondered where his timid sister had gone.

Jayne held her hand out in front of her brother’s face and slowly counted to ten as she tried to calm her breathing. “Perhaps, Jax, Charlie is too naïve to understand what her ruination means. I cannot believe she would choose ruin to marriage.” Her lips pursed as tears reddened her eyes. “I always thought you and I were of a kindred mind and I recognized that same trait in Charlie. But you have ruined her and thrown her over like yesterday’s leavings.”

“It is not like that,” he protested, hating hearing the harshness of her words.

“It
is
like that. What would you do if a man had ruined me like that?”

Jaxon’s brow lowered at the comparison. He hated to admit she was right.

“I will talk to her again. I will make sure she understands. But I will not force her. Charlie may be naïve, but she is far from a simpleton. If she will not have me, what am I to do?”

Jayne sighed shakily. “Please, brother, do talk to her. Charlie may be your only hope to find a wife. Even without the scars, two broken engagements would be the death knell of most men socially,” Jayne said. “I shall keep this to myself for the time being
, but I will tell Mother if I have to.”