An Ever Fixéd Mark (46 page)

“She loved Oliver,” Lizzie argued as much to
justify her present actions as Lily’s past ones.

“She wanted escape,” he looked at her. “He
was a way out.”

“So were you,” Lizzie looked at Ben,
wondering if he still thought of the shadows outside the front door
and the promise of France and Prussia.

“I can’t tell you what she felt,” Ben
swallowed. “I kept her secret about Oliver to gain her trust. I
gave her those books. I promised I would leave Charlotte and take
her away,” Ben’s voice was still cold. “I wanted to take her to
Europe. She wanted to come with me. She told me she loved me.”

Lizzie closed her eyes, feeling the tight
embrace at the end of her dream. “You wanted to make her into a
vampire.”

“I did,” Ben looked away. “But then… she
changed her mind.”

“What?” Lizzie was startled to finally hear
a detail that went beyond her dreams.

“She said she was afraid Charlotte would
hurt Oliver if she ran away with me. She suddenly became very
protective of that boy – more than she ever was of the Fultons,”
his voice was still calm, but the disdain in his reference to that
boy revealed the heart of his feelings for Oliver. Lizzie felt her
stomach turn to stone as she dreaded the completion of the next few
sentences. “Charlotte knew Oliver was her friend. I think she even
knew his family disapproved of a marriage. She didn’t know he
wanted to run away with Lily. She didn’t know… I told Charlotte
that Lily was sneaking off to meet him. I sent a message to Oliver
that Lily wanted him to come to the house. The boy couldn’t read.
He had no idea it wasn’t from her. I knew he would find Charlotte
instead. I knew because I asked Lily to meet me down at the
river.”

“You…” Lizzie saw the book under the water
again. She remembered Ben coming behind her and kissing her in the
marshes. Her eyes filled with tears and barely had the voice for
her next sentence. “She loved you.”

“I thought Charlotte was going to kill him,
like Horace. I didn’t think she was going to change him.”

“But you…” Lizzie felt her whole body swim.
“But you aren’t like that. You aren’t a murderer.”

“I was,” Ben didn’t unlock the eyes that
stared at her. “I never pretended that there aren’t things in my
past of which I am ashamed.”

“You deceived me,” Lizzie hardened her jaw
as the swimming of her insides shifted into fear.

“If you didn’t remember Lily, who was I to
tell you?”

“I did remember her.”

“In pieces. You didn’t remember her
connection to Oliver without my help. You didn’t even know her
name.”

“You didn’t tell me you wanted to kill
Oliver.”

“No. I did not.”

Lizzie stood up quickly. She looked down at
Ben, but decided to walk briskly from the room when the dizziness
of her brain affected her balance. She went to the living room and
the table where the white roses used to sit. She paced back and
forth to consume the agitation of her limbs. She paused in front of
the mirror catching the reflection in the shadows of the unlit
room. She saw her brown eyes looking back, but all the other
features blurred. She squeezed out the tears and rounded back to
Ben, standing silently on the other side of the sofa.

“
Did you know Oliver went
after Lily?”

“Charlotte wasted no time telling me what
she did. She told me that he went to see Lily.”

“You could have saved her,” Lizzie tried to
rub the cold out of her arms.

“
It’s possible.” Ben
shifted his eyes away from Lizzie.

Lizzie walked through the archway back into
the dining room. She looked at her bags resting in front of the
buffet. She looked for her coat, not remembering where she left it.
She needed to get out of there.

“Elizabeth…” he came behind her and after a
pause dared to enclose her in his arms. The pace of her breath
increased as he tightened his embrace and rested his chin inside
her shoulder. “Don’t go. Stay with me.”

She took hold of his hand
and then used the grasp to unravel herself. “You aren’t…” she
allowed tears to be the answer to her confused emotions. “Why on
earth would Lily come back to
you
?”

Ben dropped his arms and looked at the
floor. Lizzie grabbed her bags and walked towards the door, hoping
her coat was there. Ben suddenly took hold of her shoulders and
forced her eyes to focus on his. “You are not Lily,” he said
sternly. “You were. Right now you are Elizabeth Watson. What Lily
did and what she felt has nothing to do with you.”

“Doesn’t she?” Lizzie raised her voice,
dropping her bags and wrestling free from his firm grip. “I am
still an employee of the Fulton House, cleaning furniture and
protecting the name of that family. When I’m not there, I am
essentially a servant to the hospital. I have her heartlessness
with people who love me, when I let myself be loved. Maybe I’ve
been running from it so long because Lily had such tragic
consequences to the love in her life… and yet it didn’t really
matter, did it? In the end I am with the same two men. I suspect if
Charlotte were still on this planet, she would also be... The fact
is, Ben, even though I didn’t know her name until a few months ago,
I have been living Lily’s life for over thirty years.”

“No,” Ben took hold of her again.

“Ben,” she lost the strength of her anger as
he pressed his lips to hers. She couldn’t resist him. She wanted
him. She wanted to stay with him. She knew she should not. She kept
her arms lifeless at her side and allowed his kiss until he pulled
away. Lizzie shut her eyes and let the oxygen plunge into the depth
of her lungs. “You aren’t telling me the whole story, Benjamin.
Lily didn’t choose you. She went back to Oliver. She went to him
and let him close enough to kill her. It’s not you.”

“Oliver is dangerous, Elizabeth.”

“So are you,” Lizzie took her bags to the
door. She paused for a second, worried that her next step would be
too final. She trembled on another sob and walked out of his
apartment.

Chapter
Twenty-Nine

Lizzie pressed her thumbnail on the edge of
the plastic lid and watched it bend under the pressure. She took
her next sip and went back to fidgeting her idle hands. She was
trying not to think about… to not talk herself out of her offer to
meet Oliver. Coffee was harmless. A public place, where she could
consume a beverage and not feel awkward while he did nothing…
except stare at her.

She glanced at her watch. She was early. Of
course she was. She was the one who took off on 128 for two hours
before texting him to mandate a location on her drive back. She
didn’t have a book and didn’t think to buy a magazine. There were
some well read newspapers, but she couldn’t be bothered with
current events when so much of the past disturbed her present.

“Hi,” his warm voice coaxed her eyes away
from her cup.

The pit in her stomach didn’t impede the
smile that rose to her lips. “Thanks for driving here.”

“I imagine you don’t want to risk running
into anyone, but … Beverly?” Oliver took off his ski jacket and
sat. Lizzie liked his zipped sweater. He always looked like he was
ready to hike up a mountain.

“I just needed to go some place less
familiar,” Lizzie looked at the few people in the store. If she was
trying to avoid anyone she knew, inevitably she would know someone.
But neither the student bent over his laptop with headphones or the
group of ladies discussing a recent novel looked familiar.

“Everything okay?” he reached across the
table and took one of the hands prying at the plastic lid.

“I…” she met his eyes, knowing he already
knew. He knew things about her without her having to speak a word.
“I left Ben.”

She saw the smile he concealed very quickly.
“I’m sorry, Lizzie,” his sympathy was genuine. “I imagine that was
very difficult for you.”

“You were right,” Lizzie took back her hand
and used it to lift the cup to her lips. “He didn’t tell me the
whole truth.”

“Did you remember something about Lily?”

“I see so many things now,” Lizzie looked
down. “More vividly than ever.”

“What did you see that made you so angry
with Ben?”

“That he was there. He was in love with
Lily, too,” Lizzie had nothing left in her red cup with which to
fill the pauses. She took the holiday themed sleeve off the cup and
started to tear apart the seam.

“What did Ben say?”

“I can’t… I don’t want to talk about this
right now,” Lizzie looked at his dark eyes, feeling their
familiarity and warmth. Lizzie glanced at the laughing book group
and student still distracted by earphones. “Can we leave here?”

Oliver smiled and followed her lead out of
the store. Lizzie wasn’t sure where they could go. It was too cold
for a walk. Oliver motioned to his Jeep. “It’s warm.”

Lizzie sat in the passenger seat and watched
as he turned on the ignition but left off the headlights. “When do
you go back to LA?”

“I have a flight booked for Friday,” he
turned to her. “But…”

“What?”

“I’m on sabbatical.”

“You have a life there.”

“I could have a life here.”

“What are you saying?”

“I’m saying things are…” he rested his hands
against the steering wheel. “I have a job offer.”

“Your students…”

“There are students in Boston.”

“Oliver… this isn’t,” she felt a hard lump
in her throat. “I don’t know what I want. I don’t want you to
change everything simply because…”

“You know what? I was invited to attend a
fundraiser for an environmental non-profit this Friday. I wasn’t
going to attend. But I’ll stay through the week and you can come
with me.”

“A fundraiser?”

“Would it be too much like work?”

“I don’t know,” Lizzie swallowed, not really
worried about any similarity to the Mt. Elm gala.

“There’s dancing,” he showed a full out grin
that charged the nerves in Lizzie’s stomach.

“Dancing is nice.”

“We can get dressed up,” he touched her
hair.

“That sounds…” Lizzie let herself meet his
eager gaze. He leaned closer and kissed her lips. Lizzie heard her
mind say it wasn’t right. She walked out of Ben’s apartment only
five hours ago. It was easy to lose those thoughts with the
sensation of Oliver’s intoxicating touches. She remembered the
thrill of his lovemaking at the Fulton House. She moved her hands
to his waist and fingered the zipper of his jeans until the image
of blue ink running under water flashed in her memory.

“
I need to go home,” she
gasped as she pulled away.

Oliver sat upright and caught his own
breath. “We can go somewhere.”

“It’s too soon,” Lizzie’s voice trembled as
she clutched the door handle. “I’ll see you Friday.”

Oliver warmed his smile and covered the look
of frustration. “I’ll pick you up at 7.”

“Yes,” she grabbed her bag and went to her
car filled with belongings from Ben’s apartment.

*****

Lizzie bought a new dress for the
fundraiser. She only had two that fit her. One was the red dress
she wore to her reunion, the night she met Ben – the vampire. She
couldn’t bring herself to wear it again or throw it away. Her other
dress wouldn’t conceal the marks on her neck or her recently
returned flaws. The new dress wasn’t ideal, but it had a high
collar and impressed Meg when Lizzie opened her bedroom door. “You
look nice.”

“I’m going out.”

“
The brother?”

Lizzie nodded, afraid anything else would
inspire the guilt she pushed from her mind.

“So you are going to date him?”

“I don’t know.”

“You look like you are pretty serious about
dating him right now.”

Lizzie’s cheeks burned. She didn’t make up
her mind if there would be anything after this night. She had more
questions to ask him. Things she felt she should know before she
could decide what she wanted… what she felt. If she should love
him. Did she? Or if she should feel guilty for hurting Ben. She
did. In every quiet moment of the day.

Meg paused in silence for a few minutes. She
breathed out and straightened her expression. “Um, listen, Ben
stopped by today.”

“What?” Lizzie felt her knees weaken.

“I didn’t have class until two. This morning
he brought over a box of things he said you left behind. I didn’t
know what to do with it. I put it in my room. He said it’s just
clothes and books.”

“Books?”

“I’ll go get it.”

Lizzie pulled in a deep breath to swallow
the urge to cry. She held the door to stop from losing balance
while Meg went around the corner into her room. She came back
within a minute and put the box on top of Lizzie’s bed. Lizzie
opened it without hesitation. She saw a couple sweaters and several
of the leather bound books. On top was Byron. She lifted it and
dared to look at the blurred blue sonnet. Why did he give that to
her? What was the point of that?

“You probably want to finish getting ready,”
Meg looked at Lizzie carefully and left the room. Lizzie kept
staring at the book, hoping the image of the water and grass would
come back to her. She knew there was something more to that,
something Ben wanted her to remember. She closed her eyes and only
saw blackness.

The doorbell rang and disturbed her focus.
She scurried through the chaos of her bedroom and down the
staircase. She opened the door and saw him dressed in a long black
coat, erasing all the images of the outdoorsy Oliver.

“I need my shoes and a coat,” she shuddered
as the air blew across her bare forearms.

“So this is where you live.”

“Yeah,” Lizzie stopped at the top of the
stairs. She turned to say she was going to run upstairs, but he
used the opportunity to kiss her passionately on the lips. She
wrapped her arms around him and quickly lost awareness until she
heard a door open at the top of the stairs.