An Ever Fixéd Mark (44 page)

“No,” Lizzie shook her head in disbelief.
“You wanted to change her. You wanted to drink her blood and feed
it back to her so that you could be with her forever.”

“
Yes,” he nodded and
smiled.

“Is that what you want to do to me?”

“I… Elizabeth, this isn’t,” he shut his
eyes, struggling. He hadn’t fed. “I think about that. But I would
never… ask that of you.”

Lizzie closed her eyes to let the tears
fall. She felt Ben come close and pull her into an embrace. She
resisted, but couldn’t summon enough energy to push him away. She
didn’t let her arms respond and stood lifeless in his hold. He
pulled away and smiled at her. He smoothed down the sides of her
hair, tracing a few fingers along her cheek to wipe away her tears.
“I don’t want that,” she breathed through a sob.

“No,” Ben caressed her hair again.

She raised her tear stained eyes to his.
“It’s all because of you.”

“What?” he dropped his hands and stepped
back.

“You made that promise to Lily. She accepted
it and Charlotte found out. Then she took,” Lizzie paused on a
thought she couldn’t tell if it was her own. “She took Oliver’s
life. He didn’t know anything. You destroyed him. You made him into
the monster that you say he is.”

“Oliver made his choice.”

“He wouldn’t have had that choice if you
didn’t want Lily. Charlotte would never have found Lily if it
wasn’t for you,” Lizzie heard the last sentence echo in her brain.
She didn’t understand what made her say that. Was it the
irrationality of her anger? Or was it something else she couldn’t
remember?

She went back to the couch. She felt the
itch of the wool at her throat and ripped off her scarf before
dropping her head into her hands. She wanted a drink. She wanted to
not be there, having that conversation. She wanted her life back,
her thoughts back to her own. Being so close to Ben wasn’t a
comfort. It made it all worse. She looked at him standing over her,
hesitating whether or not to offer his hand.

He bent his knees and came to her eye level.
“Lily made me want to be human again.”

“What does that mean?”

Ben couldn’t mask the struggle of what to
say. He moved her hair from where it stuck to tears on her cheek
and tucked it behind her ear. He moved his hand away from her
slowly. She saw a strange sneer and the hint of his fangs very
briefly. Lizzie sat straight against the sofa, knowing he saw the
bite marks on her neck.

“Is that all he did?” Ben stood up slowly,
looking at her un-stockinged legs.

“No,” Lizzie swallowed.

His shoulders collapsed and his eyes
revealed more fear than anger. “Why, Lizzie?”

“I don’t know.”

“Now he… he won’t let you be.”

“Will you?”

“What?”

“Will you leave me be?”

“Do you want me to?”

“I can’t trust you. You keep things from
me.”

“You knew I wasn’t telling you
everything.”

“This is different,” she swallowed. “You
didn’t want to admit you had anything to do with Lily’s
unhappiness. “

“I thought I made her happy,” Ben looked at
the empty spot on the table beneath the mirror.

“She died because of you,” Lizzie stood up
to interrupt his gaze.

“Yes,” Ben reached for her shoulders. “I
know.”

“Then why didn’t you tell me?”

“I didn’t know how to tell you.”

“That’s not good enough,” she hissed.

“
Elizabeth, I love
you.”

“You loved Lily. You just see me as… you see
her, not me,” she couldn’t breathe through her nose.

“That is not true. You are confused,” he
tried to pull her closer for another embrace.

“Stop it. You should be angry with me. You
shouldn’t be this kind,” she broke away from him.

“I am angry with you,” he stiffened his lip.
“But I love you too much to not see you are hurting right now.”

“You don’t love ME. You love her!” Lizzie
shoved him and headed towards the door.

“She is part of you.”

“I’m going home,” she found her purse and
opened the door to the stairwell.

“Elizabeth, don’t leave,” he grabbed her
hand.

“Please, Benjamin. Please let me go,” she
cried as she pried her hand loose. “I don’t want this anymore.”

“
Elizabeth,” he heaved a
great sigh and dropped his hand as she turned towards the
staircase.

Chapter
Twenty-Eight

Lizzie stared at the crack edging across the
plaster of her ceiling, not wanting to get off the bed. She tried
getting up a few hours before. She was discouraged by the fact all
the clothes in her dresser were too small for her. She left the
clothes that fit her extra twenty pounds at Ben’s apartment. All
her things… she had to go there to get them. She chose not to think
about that and went back to bed. She tried to sleep, but couldn’t
let go of her mind.

She turned on her side and heaved in another
sob. She couldn’t believe there was anything left in her tear
ducts. She already cried most of the night, only stopping when she
briefly found sleep. The longest interval was only two hours. She
dreamt of Oliver’s teeth at her neck and woke herself to stop the
memory from coming back. She didn’t want to think about Oliver,
about what she did or why she did it. She knew it was wrong. It
wasn’t as wrong as Ben deceiving her. Was it? He lied about Lily.
He lied about who she was and why he wanted to be with Lizzie. He
didn’t want her. He never wanted her and her flawed body. He just
wanted what Lily had become, to get back at Oliver.

She shut her eyes. That wasn’t her anger. It
wasn’t her bitterness. And yet… it was. She always feared Ben had
an ulterior motive to their relationship. Beyond blood. There was
always something… like the white roses.

She heard a gentle knock on her door and
felt panic motivate her to sit up. She touched her throat and was
confident in the frumpy turtleneck she found at the bottom her
dresser. She was surprised to see Nora on the other side of the
door.

Lizzie thought about her red eyes, but knew
it was too late to try to hide them. Nora’s glance of sympathy was
worse than any other thought that went through her mind all night
long. “Ben?”

“
It…” Lizzie sighed and
nodded her head. She cried again as Nora squeezed her arms around
her.

“Meg called me,” Nora whispered in her ear.
“She heard you crying last night. And this morning,” Nora pulled
away. “She was afraid you wouldn’t talk to her. She is worried
about you.”

“Just because I was crying?”

Nora glanced over Lizzie’s shoulder at the
chaos of clothes and miscellaneous clutter. “Why don’t you come
downstairs? I brought brownies and wine. Meg got Chinese food.”

“I’m not hungry,” Lizzie lied. Why was she
lying? It didn’t matter if she ate crap now. It didn’t matter what
she did to her blood or her body. It was never enough anyway.

“Come on,” Nora pulled her hand and led her
down the spiral staircase.

Meg stood up off the floor from where she
knelt arranging all the cartons on the coffee table. She paused
awkwardly for a second and then clutched Lizzie with another hug.
“Oh Lizzie, what happened?”

“
I broke up with Ben,”
Lizzie left the embrace and sat in front of the feast on the table.
She hadn’t eaten in twenty-four hours, even though she fed another
creature.

“
What happened? I mean… I
was pretty sure you were on the marriage track. I thought you would
be telling me to look for another roommate.”

Lizzie saw Meg’s expectant eyes and took in
a breath, contemplating how much she was going to tell. She wanted
to tell her everything. But … she couldn’t. She couldn’t tell her
best friends that she broke up with her boyfriend because he lied
to her about loving her in another lifetime. Because she let
another vampire take her blood. Meg didn’t see the flaw in
demanding the suspension of belief about love and its otherworldly
powers. Maybe Meg would understand past lives and… vampires. Nora
wouldn’t have that empathy. Not even for stupid mistakes. But the
stupid mistake was real and easy to explain. “I cheated on
him.”

“What?” Nora didn’t waste a beat.

“With his brother,” Lizzie forced her tired
eyes to meet her friends’ glances.

“He doesn’t get along with his brother,” Meg
remembered a detail Lizzie was grateful to not retell. “And isn’t
he married?”

“He’s separated,” Lizzie took a Crab Rangoon
and started to pull apart the corners.

“When did it happen?”

“He came to town a month ago. I went out
with him a few times and then yesterday… before I picked Ben up
from the airport…” Lizzie touched her turtleneck, fearing the marks
burned through the woven cotton of her sweater.

“Are you in love with him?” Nora asked
bluntly

The tears pooled in the rim of Lizzie’s
eyes. “I’m not sure.”

“Do you love Ben?” Nora continued.

“Yes, but he,” Lizzie closed her eyes. “I
can’t be with him anymore.”

“What do you mean you can’t be with him
anymore?”

“Did something happen in Chicago?” Meg asked
before Lizzie could filter an answer to Nora’s question.

“No. I don’t know. I …”

“Lizzie… this isn’t because… you didn’t
cheat because of what happened on Halloween?” Meg still wasn’t
waiting for Lizzie’s answers.

“That seems so long ago,” Lizzie faded into
a stare at the dark television. “No.”

“Well, Lizzie, that was really stupid,” Nora
decided as she sat on the other side of the coffee table.

“It was stupid,” Lizzie took a gulp of wine
that Meg offered her.

“How did Ben find out?”

“I told him,” Lizzie rested the wine glass
on her knee.

“He is a good guy,” Nora glanced briefly at
Meg. “I don’t blame him for breaking up with you.”

“I left him,” Lizzie took another sip.

“To be with his brother?” Meg sipped from
her own wine. Lizzie wondered how much her friend hated her now.
She never knew if Meg was jealous of her for having Ben. Would she
resent her for throwing it away? Or would she be relieved Ben was
out of both their lives?

“Meg,” Nora hardened her voice. “Lizzie, he
loves you. You love him. Why … I honestly don’t understand why you
would do this.”

“He doesn’t love me,” Lizzie shook her
head.

“Did something happen to make you think
that?”

Lizzie met Nora’s eyes briefly and then
consumed the rest of the Crab Rangoon in her hand. She couldn’t
explain it. Not to Nora. Not even to Meg, who might understand. To
tell the story of Ben would require the distraction of telling Meg
her fantasy world was real. “It’s complicated.”

Nora let out an irritated sigh. She lifted
her own Crab Rangoon and chewed it slowly. She took a napkin and
patted her lips slowly. “Lizzie, I love you,” she crumpled the
napkin and reached across the table to grab Lizzie’s hand. “I will
be here for you even if you are determined to self-destruct.”

“You’ll get through this, Lizzie,” Meg put
her hand on top of theirs. “If I can get over Alec McCaffrey, you
can get through this.”

“Are you over Alec?” Lizzie dropped her hand
and picked up a greasy chicken finger. She wanted to ask if Meg was
over Ben, but that was like rubbing salt in a wound for them
both.

“I take it one day at a time,” Meg shrugged
and let an impish grin leak from her mouth. “And I’ve got good
friends to help me through.”

“I haven’t been a good friend to you,”
Lizzie shook her head.

“
I deserved it… it doesn’t
matter now. We need to eat this before it gets cold,” Meg avoided
Lizzie’s eyes and picked up a carton of low mein.

Lizzie managed another weak smile. Meg’s
cure for everything was grease, chocolate, and alcohol. All in the
company of her oldest best friends. Lizzie subscribed to that
belief when she was disappointed by Will or frustrated with her
job. But this dull ache within her was unlike anything that ever
caused her misery. She didn’t believe her wounded soul would
heal.

*****

Lizzie and Meg finished two bottles of Pinot
Noir when Nora left with the remainder of her frosted brownies.
Lizzie felt the nausea when she finally went to bed. She didn’t
know how she managed to pass four hours with her friends, but there
was enough distraction to keep her mind away from Ben. Or Oliver.
Or Lily. It all felt better by the last glass of wine anyway… until
the final sip when she struggled to keep her eyes open and her
stomach swam with all the fermentation.

She walked away from the house, following
the patterns of the lit windows on the grass. She went to the
garden and breathed the heavy scent of summer blossoms. She knew
young Master Fulton wouldn’t follow her. She hoped he wouldn’t. His
fiancé was in the house. What a silly little thing she was. She was
pretty and good. Good enough to distract him from temptation in the
shadows of the chestnut tree.

She saw the white blossoms reflect the
brilliance of the moon. The petals were soft and perfect and pure.
Like the silk Mrs. Fulton ordered for the wedding gown. She pulled
the long stalks off the bush, until a thorn cut her finger. She
winced with the sharp pain, knowing it opened her skin. She lifted
her finger to her mouth to clean the wound. The evening sounds
hummed her into calm, dissolving the pain from her finger. She
pulled more stalks until she had a small bouquet for the young
mistress.

A new sound interrupted her thoughts. She
knew it was him. The brother. The one who gazed over the shoulder
of Mistress Harriet. She turned around, dropping her torn finger,
and allowed his stare. He had the hungry gaze of young Master
Fulton in his green eyes. It was shameless and unrelenting. He
wanted her, more completely than anyone ever could. She didn’t fear
he would hurt or strike her to alleviate his want. She waited for
him to speak or move. Something stopped him, holding him in place
away from her. She handed him the roses and laughed on her way out
of the garden.