Always Beautiful (25 page)

My heart sank a little at the mention of his name because I missed him. It wasn’t difficult to talk about him now like it was when I was heartbroken over him leaving me. But there was always that little flutter in my stomach when his name was mentioned. I sighed and looked into my mom’s pale green eyes.

“I haven’t much talked to him in the last few months. I speak with his mother everyday though.” I said quietly. My mother shot me a confused look. “Did he break up with you?” She asked. I began shaking my head. “Not exactly, we were never really dating…I guess we kind of were, but there was no label on what we had.” I said quickly. My mom raised a brow and continued to stare at me.

“Zeppelin has ALL Leukemia. He had it when he was twenty-one and then went into remission. He was healthy for a long time and then toward the end of the summer, he found out it had come back.” I felt tears begin to fall onto my cheeks as I watched the way my mother’s face fell.

“Lucy, I’m so sorry.” She said softly as she stepped closer to me and pulled me into a hug. I hugged her back for a moment and then shrugged. “I never expected that he could be sick. I knew for a while that he was keeping something from me, but I didn’t press the issue. When he finally came clean and told me what was going on, he left.” I said.

I ended up explaining everything to my mom for the next hour. I told her about how Zeppelin and I met and the weird consuming connection I seemed to have with him. Of course I omitted the dirty details and specifics, but everything leading up to this very moment she now knew. She had tears in her eyes a few times as I told her about how I finally went to Seattle and what he said to me. She hugged me more and told me she wished there was more that she could do.

It was nice to talk to her about it and afterward, whether it was the cookies or just the comfort of my mom, I felt really good. I think this was one of those times in your life as an adult that people talk about. When they say sometimes, no matter how old you are, you still need your mother. I didn’t realize how much that rang true until then.

The guys all came in from the garage a little while later and we went out to dinner. Later on that night as I lay in bed, staring at the ceiling, I thought about how short life really was and how much I should cherish every single moment. Like Zeppelin’s tattoo quoted, human life
was
but a breath when you really thought about it. I closed my eyes and took a deep, cleansing breath.

I was half asleep when my phone began to vibrate on the night stand beside my bed. My eyes shot open and I immediately pulled it from the charger to look at the screen. My heart was pounding as thoughts filled my head as to who it could possibly be. The first thought was that it was Zeppelin’s mother Kathryn, and it was bad news. I hated that my mind instantly went there, but I couldn’t help but assume the worst.

I was relieved yet also a bundle of nerves when I read the name of the person that was calling me. My finger hovered over the “answer” button on my screen as the phone shook in my hand. I breathed out slowly as I sat up in my bed and swiped the screen. I wasn’t sure what to say or where to start, but I didn’t have to worry about that because he instantly began speaking in a rush.

“You have me Lucky. With everything I am, what I could be, you love me anyway. I’m sorry if I pushed you away. Forgive me Angel?” He cried. “Please, please forgive me. I can’t live, even if it’s for a short time. I simply can’t exist without you next to me.” I was taken aback by his words and the desperation in his voice. Stunned to silence, I clutched the phone in my hand and tried to calm my erratic breathing.

“Lucky are you there?” Zeppelin asked. “Shit, did you hang up…Fuck, I’m an idiot.” He began mumbling into the phone. “I’m here.” I rasped in a gruff whisper. My heart was pounding in my throat and I couldn’t control the tears that started. “Oh thank God. Baby I’ve missed you. I’m so sorry for the way I was acting Angel.” He said. I closed my eyes and nodded. I swallowed and cleared my throat.

“Why are you calling me right now?” I asked. “What made you change your mind?” I was elated and relieved that he was finally talking to me again, but I wasn’t at all sure that I was prepared for this. I mean there were days that I sat and stared at my phone, willing it to ring and be him on the other end.

There were times I would cry and wish that he would hold me again like he used to. But I think part of me had given up hope. I didn’t expect him to actually one day call me like he was now. I never dreamed he would apologize and ask me to be by his side. I couldn’t help but ask the first thing that popped into my head. And that was the many questions that I had.

“I can’t stand the thought of you being heartbroken Angel. I thought that by pushing you away I was helping you. I realize I was so wrong. I talked to my mom today. We had a long talk about the last few years and the last few months. She told me that she’s been talking to you.” He said. “Every day we talk.” I admitted. “I had to know what was going on with you.” “I know Lucky, and I love that you continued to be concerned for me after I hurt you. Maybe I shouldn’t have called you like this. I should be there with you at your parent’s house. You deserve so much more than what I’ve given you.”

More tears fell as I listened to his broken voice. “Zeppelin I don’t want anyone but you. I told you, I don’t care what happens and what the future holds.” I said. “Baby, I swear I will make this all up to you. I promise to love you like you deserve for as long as I’m allowed to. Can you forgive me?” He asked with hope in his voice. I took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

I wasn’t the type of person to hold a grudge and I also wasn’t the type to fight for something and then walk away. How could I possibly not forgive him? Did he hurt me? Yes, he broke my heart. But what choice did he have when dealt such an awful lot. He lied to me, and though I know that he shouldn’t have, I can understand why he did. I loved Zeppelin and when you love someone you forgive them. I thought for a moment about what my life would be like if I told him no, if I asked him not to call me and to carry on with life without me like he had told me.

“Of course I can forgive you Zeppelin.” I cried. “I love you so much and I can’t imagine my life without you.” It was true. Telling him no would not only crush him but me as well. I had already lost Zeppelin once and nearly again. I wouldn’t do it for a third time. At least not until God took him away from me.

“I love you Angel. God, I wish I was there with you. I want to hold you and kiss you all night long. I want you so bad Lucky, it hurts.” Zeppelin said. “I wish you were here too.” I agreed. “I need to see you. I’ve been starting to feel better and I was thinking of coming down to Portland before Christmas. I still have follow-up treatments, but I could visit for a few days or maybe even a week.” “I would love that. I want to see you too.” I said.

We ended up talking on the phone until two in the morning. Zeppelin told me all about his treatment and how he was feeling now. He said that he couldn’t wait for his hair to start growing back and he hated how scrawny he looked. I told him about school and the talk with my mother earlier that day. He admitted that he kept in touch with everyone except for me and though it hurt, I was glad that he hadn’t been alone through this.

When it was time to hang up the phone with him because I was nodding off, he told me he loved me. He vowed once again that he would make up for the past few months. For the first time since that night on the beach in August, I fell asleep with a smile on my face.

Chapter 14

~December 2012~

“Did you change the sheets?” Hannah asked as she fluffed the pillows on my bed. I rolled my eyes and then narrowed them in her direction. “Honestly Hannah, I don’t know if we’ll have sex. Maybe he won’t be feeling up to it.” I said. “Yeah…Right.” Hannah scoffed. “You know damn well that Zeppelin will want you. It’s been nearly four months Lucky.” She said. “I know how long it has been. But he’s only been done with his treatments for a week and though the doctor said he can start regular activity again, I don’t know if that is part of it.”

She shot up a brow and crossed her arms. “Trust me when I say this Lucky, he will want you. I bet we won’t even make it through dinner before he’s pawing at you.” She joked. I giggled and shook my head. “If you say so chick,” I replied as I made my way to the living room. I grabbed my boots from the closet and put them on. We were headed out to meet up with the guys and have dinner tonight.

Zeppelin was finally back in Portland and according to him, he felt better than ever. This would be the first time I had seen him since early November. He sent me a picture from his phone the other day of him pointing to his head. His hair was starting to actually get longer and it didn’t look so buzzed. He wasn’t as skinny as he had been and looked like he was starting to fill out better.

I still talked to Kathryn a lot even though Zeppelin and I were on good terms now. She had been a huge part of helping not only him but me as well. I considered her to be like a second mother to me. We were taking things a day at a time right now and slowly falling back into how things were before he was sick. Though I missed him terribly and couldn’t wait to touch him again, I was grateful for the distance that Zeppelin and I had.

I felt like we appreciated each other more and being able to just talk to him without the physical contact helped us to connect on a deeper level. He wasn’t just a guy I was lost in that made me feel tingly all over and hot. Zeppelin was one of my best friends and I felt like I could tell him anything and everything. It felt good to know that we could still be so attached to each other without the physical parts.

After arriving in Portland early in the afternoon, Zeppelin went straight to his apartment and then to hang out with the guys for a while. Hannah and I spent the day cleaning my apartment, which was hardly messy. It’s so small and I live alone, so it wasn’t difficult to clean. Then we went shopping and came back to get ready. Dixon, Josh, Matt, and Zeppelin were meeting us at the restaurant at four-thirty.

As I pulled on my coat and grabbed my purse, I began to fill butterflies fluttering around in my stomach. The anticipation of not seeing Zeppelin in so long would finally end in a matter of minutes. I wasn’t sure what I would do when I initially saw him at first. I took a deep breath and let it out slowly as I opened the front door of my apartment.

“Are you ready to do this?” Hannah asked as she stepped out into the cool, crisp air ahead of me. I nodded. “I think so. Why do I suddenly feel like I’m going to be sick?” I asked as I placed a hand over my rapidly beating heart. Hannah smiled. “Because you’re freaking out about seeing your lover.” She said with a wink as she headed down the stairs to her car.

I let out a sigh and turned to lock the door before following her. I needed to get myself under control unless I wanted to end up puking all over Zeppelin instead of hugging him. Hannah was right, I was freaking out because what I had wanted for the last few months was finally happening. A smile spread across my face as I opened the passenger side of Hannah’s car and got in. Hannah started the car and looked at me.

She studied my face for a moment and then smiled. “You look happy again Lucky. I told you that it was all going to be okay didn’t I?” She asked. I nodded and pulled Hannah in for a quick hug. As she pulled away, I said, “Thank you for everything. I don’t know how I would have gotten through any of this without you being not only my voice of reason at times, but also for just being here when I needed you.” “You’re my best friend Lucky Harris and you deserve nothing but happiness. Now let’s go see you’re man.”

Almost thirty minutes later we pulled into the parking lot of the restaurant and my heart felt like it was going to beat right out of my chest. Hannah pulled beside Dixon’s truck which the guys were still in. It was hard to see inside the truck with his tinted windows and my body began to tremble.

“Holy shit, this is it.” I mumbled as I shakily unbuckled my seatbelt. Hannah laughed and turned off the car. “You’ve made it this far Lucky.” She said as she opened her door and got out. I took a few more deep breaths and did the same. I heard the passenger door of Dixon’s truck open and close quickly. I walked in front of the truck and was met with a gorgeous smile and those blue eyes that melted me.

“My angel, I’ve missed you so fucking much!” Zeppelin said as he wrapped his arms around me, squeezing me tight. I was breathless and dizzy and crying in his arms. I lifted my arms and placed them around his neck, pulling him closer. “I missed you too.” I breathed.

He pulled back and placed his hands on my waist as he searched my face. He looked a lot healthier in person and the sparkle in his eyes made me smile wide. It felt like a lifetime since I had seen him and yet it was like we were never apart. Without a word, Zeppelin rested his forehead against mine and closed his eyes as he breathed me in.

“You’re even prettier than I remember.” He whispered as he opened his eyes to look at me. His hands went up to cup my cheeks. “And those lips, how I’ve missed kissing those lips that beg for me.” He breathed. In an instant his mouth was on mine, his tongue ran along mine and I no longer felt cold. I moaned into his mouth and pressed my body against him. Groaning Zeppelin separated his lips from mine.

“I’m going to feed you and then you can take me back to your place.” He said as his hand slipped in mine. I nodded. “That sounds perfect.” He winked at me and we turned toward the entrance of the restaurant. Everyone was waiting for us just outside the doors and they were staring.

“Nothing’s changed I see.” Matt teased. “Always with the PDA, I swear you two are like rabbits.” I rolled my eyes. “I think it’s so sweet.” Hannah said as she wiped a tear from her eye. “Oh yeah, it’s like a damn romance novel.” Josh muttered. Hannah swatted his ass playfully. “I’d read that novel.” Hannah stated. “Me too, as long as there’s dirty parts in it.” Matt winked at me. Zeppelin punched his arm. “Dude, no.” He said with a laugh.