Always Beautiful (21 page)

“Parts of my body began to feel sore after that. My hands would hurt or my knees would ache. Having been familiar with that pain, I put two and two together and knew that something just wasn’t right. I called my mom and told her that I needed to go back to Seattle as soon as possible and see my doctor. That’s why I had to leave a few weeks ago. I went in to get some scans and run some blood tests.”

My heart began to beat faster and I felt the bile rise in my throat at what Zeppelin was telling me. Scans and blood tests; what could he possibly think was wrong with him and how was he familiar with that pain?

“What are you saying Zeppelin? Are you sick?” I asked in a gruff whisper. I couldn’t bring myself to think about the possibility of what may be wrong even though somehow in the back of my mind it all started to fall in to place. I refused to accept anything until I heard it straight from his lips. “Tell me what it is please. Please just tell me.” I begged. Zeppelin’s brow furrowed and he placed his warm palm against my cheek.

“When I was twenty one, I found out that I had ALL Leukemia. I was in recovery and healthy and back to normal within the year. That was why I went to Seattle in the first place a few years ago. I came back here to Portland after over six months of negative tests and being without treatment.”

There are no words that will ever be able to explain what I was feeling in that moment. All of the air left my lungs and I was sure I was floundering in a deep ocean, suffocating on the words he spoke. I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t want to make sense of his admission to me. I wanted to run and scream and cry and fight. More than anything, I just wanted to wake up from the horrible nightmare before it got worse. Because he wasn’t finished speaking and I knew it was about to get so much worse. All I could do was just sit there and listen. Once again I was frozen and in shock.

“It’s come back Angel. The cancer has come back and I have to go to Seattle and stay until they can try and get rid of it again.” More tears escaped Zeppelin’s eyes as he searched my face. I couldn’t hold it back any longer and a sob broke free from my throat. “I’m all set to begin chemo next week and if need be, they may look in to a stem cell transplant. It’s rare for someone with my age and health to have a relapse, but obviously it is possible.”

I sat silently, unmoving as I let what he was saying sink in fully. I had to start school next week and he would be going to Seattle in hopes of beating cancer for the second time in his life. This was not what I expected at all when I thought he was keeping things from me. I had to wrap my head around this, I had so many questions. But I couldn’t speak. We just sat there together, facing the water, staring blankly at nothing.

Zeppelin didn’t touch me and I didn’t touch him. Eventually, my tears began to subside, but I didn’t feel any better. If anything, I felt more broken. Zeppelin remained quiet. I couldn’t even begin to imagine what he must be feeling and how he was affected. Surprisingly enough, I was much better at the heavy stuff with strangers than with those close to me. I didn’t know how to console him or what appropriate questions to ask.

I felt lost.

Chapter 11

~September 2012~

One of the most difficult things in life is accepting something that you can’t comprehend. Waiting on someone that you are certain will never return to you. If it was possible, I was more in love with Zeppelin after he finally revealed the truth to me than I was before. Knowing that he was keeping his cancer a secret from me hurt, but finally understanding the reason for it helped a little.

It wasn’t his intention to hurt me and what kind of person would I be to hold a grudge against him for protecting me. What we had wasn’t black and white. There were so many shades of gray that we just couldn’t explain. For some reason he had come into my life at a time that I least expected. Somehow I was there for him without knowing just how much I had helped him.

He had told me that night on the beach that he loved me more than anything in the world. He cried and apologized over and over for involving me in something that would only end in tragedy. I cried with him, I cried for him because I still wanted him. It didn’t matter if we had a lifetime together or a few months or even a few days. I wanted to be with Zeppelin and hold his hand and love him.

The next morning, after spending the night together one last time, just sleeping together and getting lost in each other’s souls, he left. There was no goodbye from him, no note this time. The dread and awful thoughts that filled my head as I fell asleep that night in his arms were amplified when I opened my eyes that following day.

As quickly as Zeppelin had appeared in my life at the beginning of the summer, he left just as abruptly at the end. I was left with unanswered questions, a broken heart, and nothing left to do but what I had known for so long. I escaped into the monotony and routine of everyday life. My schoolwork and plan for the future came back into the forefront of my mind again. It was as if Zeppelin never happened to me, except there was now a painful void deep inside my chest.

It was nearly a month into school and fall was beginning to change the weather and the colors of the trees. Just like my body all the time recently, the air was cold and frigid. I tried contacting Zeppelin a few times to check in with him and see how he was doing. He never returned my calls or responded to my text messages.

I found myself just going through the motions everyday as my mind filled with the dread of sorrow and worry for him. I felt like I had lost a piece of myself now that he was gone. A once determined and level headed person, I was now a basket case of emotion and negativity. It was even hard talking to anyone, including Dixon.

I had gone over to his house a week after we got back from Cannon Beach and overheard him telling Josh about how Zeppelin was going to start treatment soon. I was angry that my cousin knew what was happening and I didn’t. I was frustrated at the fact that when he realized I was listening to him, he stopped talking. After that, I kind of just closed off and refused to be around anyone that reminded me of the summer and the times I spent with the one man who I ever truly fell for.

Hannah was the only person that I still continued to talk to and that wasn’t necessarily by my doing. She just wouldn’t leave me alone and was constantly stopping by my apartment or waiting for me after school with a coffee. She was my best friend and whether I wanted her or not at the time, I knew that she would always be there for me. I appreciated that, I loved her for that, but she wasn’t Zeppelin. He was the only person that I wanted to see and be with. He was the only person that I was beginning to grow certain, I would never see again.

It was Friday afternoon and I was just getting home from the library after studying for a test the following week. The only other thing that I focused on besides Zeppelin was school and surprisingly I was excelling so far. I ambled up the steps to my apartment, clutching my books to my chest. I went to stick my keys in the door when it flew open, startling me.

Hannah smiled widely at me, her eyes sparkling excitedly. “Jesus Hannah, you scared the shit out of me!” I exclaimed as I stepped into the apartment. “Sorry Lucky, I heard you coming.” She said as she closed the front door behind her. I set my books down on my small dining table and glanced at the kitchen counter. A large box of pizza sat atop it with a six pack of our favorite fruity beer.

I raised a brow at Hannah. “What are you doing here?” I asked skeptically as I set my purse down next to my books and kicked off my shoes. Hannah shrugged. “I was thinking we could have a girl’s night. You know toenail painting, crappy movies, greasy food, and alcohol.” She said as she picked up the pizza box and made her way to the living room. I shook my head as I grabbed the six-pack and followed her. It was pointless to argue with her.

Hannah turned on my stereo and then came to sit on the floor with me, placing the pizza on the coffee table. I pulled out a bottle from the case and twisted off the top, taking a long pull. I had a feeling I would need the buzz to get through the night with her. She had been subtly pushing me to talk to her, but I couldn’t. I felt like if I admitted the pain I felt then it would make it more real.

“How’s school going?” Hannah asked as she picked up a slice of pizza. I shrugged. “It’s school. I’m not really learning anything I don’t already know yet.” I grabbed a piece of pizza and took a bite of the greasy, cheesy food that was meant to make me feel better. In actuality, I just felt nauseas and in no mood to fake conversation. I set the pizza down and grabbed my drink.

“You better finish that pizza.” Hannah said sternly. I swallowed my drink and frowned at her. “Don’t give me that look Lucky Harris!” She scoffed. “I’ll be damned if I’m going to sit here and watch my best friend sink deeper into depression.” “Maybe you should leave then.” I said simply and pushed the pizza farther away from me.

Hannah sighed heavily and set her own slice of pizza aside. “You need to talk about this Lucky. It’s eating away at you. I’ve known you long enough to notice that. I’m worried about you.” I began shaking my head and buried my face in my hands. I knew that Hannah was just trying to help me. I didn’t like who I was becoming either.

I wished that just talking about it could fix the problem but it was far more complicated than that. Saying how sad I was, how disappointed I felt and admitting my fear for Zeppelin wouldn’t change a damn thing. I hadn’t heard from him at all. I wondered sometimes if he asked about me. I just wanted to know if he was getting better and I wanted to know if he was scared like I was for him.

Of course he had been through this before, but I was sure that didn’t make it any less terrifying. I knew that he wasn’t alone. His parents were more than likely by his side. I just wished that I could be there too. I wanted to help him in any way possible. He didn’t want me though and that killed me. Letting out a heavy breath, I lowered my hands and looked at my best friend.

“I miss him Hannah.” I said quietly. “I want to be with him so fucking bad.” I felt tears burning my eyes as I continued to speak. “Why can’t I be with him?” I cried. “Why Hannah?” I began sobbing, the tears poured down my face and there was no use trying to stop them now.

Hannah got up from the floor and crouched beside me. Her arms wrapped around me in a crushing hug and I leaned into her. “It’s okay Lucky. It’s going to be okay, you have to believe that.” She said softly as she rubbed my back gently. I shook my head against her.

“It won’t be okay Hannah. This isn’t ever going to be okay until I see him again. I have to know that he will get better. What if he dies?” I pulled out of her embrace and looked at her. “This last summer, what was the purpose of all of it if he dies? It would be for nothing.”

She placed a hand on my shoulder. “You can’t think like that. It will all work out. You just have to keep faith.” She said. “I have to see him. At the very least, I need to talk to him. Just for a moment. I can’t bare this any longer. The unknown is far more painful than facing the truth.” I told her.

“What can you do Lucky? Zeppelin told the guys not to tell you anything. He doesn’t want you worried about him.” “He doesn’t get to decide what I worry about.” I said. “Zeppelin left me. He broke my heart. He has no right to take my feelings in to consideration when he didn’t care about them a month ago.”

Hannah sighed and shifted her gaze out toward the large living room window. “I’m not going to tell you what you should or shouldn’t do. You’re my best friend Lucky and I support you no matter what.” I nodded. “Thank you Hannah. I appreciate you being her for me, I really do. I’m sorry I told you to leave earlier.”

“No worries chick. I understand and honestly, I don’t know what I would do if I were in your place.” She leaned in and hugged me again. “I have to find a way to speak with him or see him. I guess I should talk to Dixon and try to get him to tell me anything first.” I said. Hannah nodded and tucked my hair behind my ear.

“Whatever you want to do, we’ll do. I need my best friend happy and back to her old self. Let’s just try to have a quiet, relaxing night. You really do need to eat and we can talk more. About whatever you want to. In fact, I planned on calling Josh and telling him that I’m staying the night with you.” Hannah said. I forced a small smile and nodded. A night in with my best friend didn’t seem like a great idea a while ago, but at the moment it seemed perfect; Funny how a change in plans always seemed to turn out better than what I originally thought.

I woke up Saturday morning to Hannah’s leg over my own. We had fallen asleep sometime around midnight last night after doing all of the things she had planned for us. I actually felt mildly better now that I was able to process my feelings and talk about them with someone. I was now more determined than ever to see Zeppelin and be there for him whether he wanted me to or not. I decided that I would get in touch with Dixon and find out as much as I could about the situation and then I was driving to Seattle.

Hannah didn’t think it was necessary for me to go there, but I told her that I had to see him. I didn’t want him to just placate me over the phone or worse, hang up on me. I slipped out of bed and made my way to the bathroom to get ready for the day.

After taking a long, hot shower, my mind felt clearer and I was certain that I was making the right decision. This wasn’t just about me and my piece of mind. It was about Zeppelin’s as well. It had only been a few months with him, but I knew deep down that he couldn’t be happy with walking away from what we shared. It was just too special, too real and honest. Even if I couldn’t be with him as a lover, I wanted to be his friend. To be honest, I needed him in my life. The void I was feeling was just too intense to let go of.

Hannah was awake when I wandered back in to the bedroom to get dressed. She was sitting on the bed and chewing on her thumbnail. Her eyes met mine and she smiled. “So you’re really going to do this aren’t you?” She asked as I grabbed some clothes and began dressing.