Always Beautiful (24 page)

Kathryn nodded. “He’s always been a tough guy. When he was little, I used to try to hug him and give him kisses and he would complain.” She smiled and then looked out toward the parking lot. “He did well in school and knew exactly what he wanted to be. He worked hard for his dreams. Zeppelin always had a plan and stuck to it.”

I thought about what Zeppelin might be like, so similar to me at one time. He had dreams and goals and he worked hard for them. It was sad that such a traumatic and unfortunate event could skew his entire view on life. I listened intently as Kathryn continued to speak. I was getting a rare glimpse of what Zeppelin was like before I met him and I wanted to know every detail.

“When my father died after Zeppelin’s graduation, we moved back to Seattle to be with my mom. Zeppelin didn’t want to come with us and though I was a little upset, I knew that he would be happier here. Nearly a year later, he was forced to move back.” Kathryn’s voice broke and she wiped a tear from her eye. She glanced at me again.

“I had no idea that anything was wrong with him until he came home to visit over Spring Break. I was shocked at how different he had looked. He was so skinny and pale. When I asked him about it, he told me that he had been sick. He figured it was just a bad flu. Halfway through the week, Henry and I grew concerned. Zeppelin was sleeping late and always tired. He was irritable and I began to notice that he hardly ever ate a thing.”

She shook her head and let out a sigh. “At first we thought that maybe he had fallen into drugs or something of that nature. I remember calling him out on it and he denied that anything was wrong. And then one day all of our lives were turned upside down. I was getting ready for work on the Friday morning before he was set to go back to Portland. I heard the most God awful scream coming from Zeppelin’s room. I’ll never forget the pain that it caused me to hear him in such agony. I ran to his room as quickly as I could.”

Kathryn stopped speaking and pulled a tissue from the pocket of her jacket. She blew her nose and attempted to dry her wet eyes. I sat there silently, patiently waiting for her to continue with the story. My heart ached imagining what she must have felt at the time. She had no idea what to do or how to fix it and that had to be both heartbreaking and frustrating.

“He was lying in his bed, curled in to himself and crying. He moaned and gasped for air and I was terrified. I tried to calm him and ask what was wrong, but he wouldn’t respond. All I could make out was that he hurt everywhere. In a panic I called 911 and then my husband. Twenty minutes later we were at Harborview.

“After a series of tests and many hours of waiting, we discovered that Zeppelin had Leukemia. The type that he has isn’t hereditary and we’re not quite sure why he got it. He went through chemo and was in remission a few months later. As far as doctors could tell, he was free and able to continue a normal and healthy life. I wanted him to stay with us, but after a while, he said he missed Portland and wanted to go back there.

“He was working out and had no problems being active. He looked very healthy and had claimed that he never felt better. I didn’t think that we would ever have to go through this again.” She said as she looked down at the balled up tissue in her fingers.

“I can’t begin to think how you must be feeling right now; to go through the same thing twice. I’m so sorry.” I said quietly. Kathryn placed her hand on my knee and patted it gently. “I pray every day that he can beat this. I want to see him live a full life and get married. One day, I even want grandchildren.” She smiled at me. “I might be biased because he is my son, but I swear that Zeppelin is one of the greatest people I have ever met. He loves with everything he has and is usually so optimistic even though he could easily be down. He inspires me.” She admitted.

“He didn’t seem very optimistic a few minutes ago.” I sighed. “He will fight, won’t he? I mean…he has to.” Kathryn squeezed my knee and nodded slowly. “I think if he knows he has something to fight for then he will fight. I know that he is tired and doesn’t like seeing everyone cry for him. He hates being needy. Don’t give up on him Lucky. I know that he might say he doesn’t want you here, but he needs you. Just don’t give up yet. Okay?” She gazed at me with tears in her eyes and I could feel that my own matched hers.

Shaking my head, I replied. “I don’t intend to ever give up on Zeppelin. Even if I wanted to, I doubt that it’s possible. I love him far too much to walk away now.” “I can understand now why he calls you his angel. You are the one who can push him to fight and want to get better. I think in time, he’ll start to see that and stop trying to force you away.” Kathryn explained.

I knew that she was right and getting the chance to hear a little bit of Zeppelin’s past and what he went through to where he is now helped solidify in my mind that this was exactly where I wanted to be. Being a person who had my own hopes and dreams for the future, I knew how discouraged I would be if I was told that there was a possibility of it not panning out. I understood fully what he must have felt then and how he felt now.

I would tread lightly with him and try to help him recognize that I wasn’t going anywhere. It made me sad to think that I would have to leave tomorrow to go back to my life and school, but I was more hopeful now that I talked to his mother. My goals of the future were changing and in my opinion it was for the better.

I still wanted to finish school and have my career. But now, instead of wanting to face that alone, I wanted Zeppelin beside me every step of the way. I never thought that was something I would ever want. I used to think that a relationship with someone might hinder me from my future. Funny how my relationship with Zeppelin made me see an even brighter future. Never in my life did I ever believe in fate or soul mates. I lived by facts and reason and making things happen for me. I guess sometimes life has other plans for you and I was certain that Zeppelin and I were meant for each other. I just needed to make him see that.

Chapter 13

~November 2012~

The last month and a half had been incredibly difficult for Zeppelin, his family, and undoubtedly me as well. After the doctors were able to get rid of his infection at the end of September, they deemed him healthy enough to continue Chemotherapy and also mild radiation. After a long discussion and weighing the benefits and risks, he had decided to have a stem cell transplant.

Kathryn, his mother had been in touch with me every single day since I had returned to Portland. The stem cell transplant consisted of Zeppelin being injected with new white blood cells that would hopefully help him to recover and fight the leukemia in his system. He was in and out of the hospital for the entire month of October, but was on his way to recovering.

The first week in November, I found myself back in Seattle along with Dixon and Hannah. Zeppelin was back at home with his parents and Kathryn had invited us to stay for the weekend. I wasn’t sure what to expect when I arrived there as far as how Zeppelin would treat me. I had tried contacting him throughout the month, but he wouldn’t talk to me. He did however, frequently speak to Dixon and Kathryn had told me that he often said how much he missed me.

While we there visiting, I spent most of the time with Kathryn and Hannah and we had went shopping and checked out the city. The night before we were going to leave, Zeppelin, Dixon, Hannah, and me all stayed up late and watched movies. I had sat next to Zeppelin on the couch and it took everything in me not to touch him. At one point, I wondered if he was having the same problem, because his hand was clenched into a tight fist at his side and he kept looking at me. Every time I wanted to say something to him, my throat closed up. I just didn’t want to risk being rejected by him again and so I stayed silent and he did too.

The next morning when we left to head back to Portland, I swallowed my pride and hugged him goodbye. He was standing on the porch near the front door and had just hugged Hannah. The moment my arms wrapped around his neck, my body felt warmer. Zeppelin sighed audibly and one arm came around my waist. He rested his cheek against my temple and I felt his heart pounding against my chest.

“Take care of yourself angel.” He whispered before stepping back and letting go of me. That was all I got from him and though it didn’t seem like much, it meant the world to me that he at least spoke to me for a moment.

I still couldn’t understand why he would give me the silent treatment and what it was that wouldn’t allow him to include me in his life again. I tried not to worry about it too much while I continued with school. I had even opened back up a little more and started socializing with Dixon, Hannah, and the other guys. I raced a few times but there wouldn’t be any more of that as winter would be setting in soon. I think being able to talk to Kathryn helped because then I could at least know what was going on and not be left in the dark.

Some nights I would lie in bed and think about Zeppelin and talk to him even though we were miles away and I was alone. I would tell him how much I loved him and how I wanted him to get better so that we could go back to the way things were. I hoped with everything that I had that he would come back to me. My heart just wouldn’t let go of him no matter how much he tried to push me away. I think deep down I knew that it would work out because we were meant to be.

It was now nearing the end of November and I was off school for the next month and a half for winter break. My mother wanted me to come and visit her and my father in Medford for Thanksgiving. I missed my parents terribly and was excited to go back home for a few days to visit. Part of me also felt sad though because I wondered what Zeppelin was doing and wished we could be together.

Dixon and my uncle Eddy had decided to drive with me to Medford and spend the holiday with us. It was nice not having to make the four hour drive alone. It went by a lot faster with them and I was genuinely happy for the first time in months.

The minute my car pulled into the driveway of my old house, my mother was running out the door to greet us. She wrapped her arms around me in a crushing hug and began saying how much she missed me.

“You look thinner. Look how long your hair is! Oh my goodness Lucky, I’ve missed you terribly.” She gushed over and over. I couldn’t help the ear to ear grin that came across my face. I had missed my mom a great deal and it was good to see her. After she greeted Uncle Eddy and Dixon, we grabbed our bags and headed into the house.

My father was in the living room watching some college football game. I couldn’t wait to tell him all about school and how well I was doing. He hugged me and kissed my forehead, telling me that he missed me and was proud. My father wasn’t as emotional as my mother, but I knew that when he told me things like that, he meant it.

After settling in my old room, I made my way down the stairs of our immaculate, two-story home. There were pictures on the wall above the banister of me from age six-months to current. One of my favorite pictures was the one at the bottom of the stairs of my mother, father, and I at Mt. St. Helens. I was probably around thirteen at the time, and had been so excited to see the famous volcano up close. It was one of the best days of my life and we all looked so happy in the picture.

I had lived in this house my entire life and my mother always made sure things were neat and orderly. I was pretty sure that I got my analytical and somewhat OCD personality from her. It felt good to be in familiar surroundings, but my heart and mind never strayed far from Zeppelin. I wondered what he was doing how he was feeling.

I could smell chocolate chip cookies fresh out of the oven as I rounded the bottom of the stairs and headed in to the kitchen. My mom was baking for tomorrow’s events. I walked to the edge of counter near the fridge and lifted myself atop it. My mother smiled at me and handed me a cookie.

“It’s good to have you back home Lucy.” She said. I smiled back at her and took the warm cookie from her hands. “I’m glad to be home for a while. I love it in Portland, but I’ve missed this place.” I said. “How is school going?” She asked as she began placing more dough onto trays. I shrugged.

“It’s going. I passed all of my exams before the end of the quarter. I’m enjoying it so far.” I told her. “That’s good. You’re still sure this is what you want to do?” My mother prodded with her back turned to me. She was always supportive of me and my drive to work in the medical field but she was also slightly against it too. I think that she worried I would see things that might scare me or make me upset. I appreciated her concern, but there was no way I would ever want to do anything else with my life.

I nodded at the back of her and said, “Yes I’m sure this is still what I want mom. I love the idea of being a part of something bigger than myself. I want to help people. It’s my passion.” After placing the trays in the oven and setting a timer, my mother turned to look at me. I watched her as she studied me for a few minutes.

“You’ve always seemed wise beyond your year’s kiddo. You’ve also got a big heart and I am very proud of you. I just worry that sometimes you forget about the little things in life and focus too much on the bigger picture sometimes.” She admitted. I looked down at the pale-colored tile on the kitchen floor. How completely opposite I was to what she just described. I used to care about nothing more in the world than my goals and my future. Since meeting Zeppelin though, that had all changed.

“It’s true that for a long time all I thought about was my-self and what I wanted. I feel guilty sometimes for acting that way because I feel like I missed out on a lot of things. I also know though that I wouldn’t be where I am today if it weren’t for my focus and determination.” I replied. “I’ve changed a lot since moving to Portland mom. There is so much more to me now than school.” My mother furrowed her brow and crossed her arms. With a smile she asked, “Would this be due to a certain boy you met? You haven’t spoken much about Zeppelin lately. How is he doing?”