Always Beautiful (22 page)

“Yeah, I have to Hannah.” I replied. “I know. I just wish I could be there with you when you see him. What if it’s too much to handle?” She said. I pulled my t-shirt over my head and shrugged. “I can’t think about what it might be. I just need to be there.” I walked over to my night stand and picked up my phone.

“I’m going to call Dixon and see if I can figure out where exactly Zeppelin is and how he is doing.” I told her as I walked out into the living room and sat in my favorite green chair by the large window. I took a deep breath and let it out slowly as the phone rang on the other end. Hopefully my cousin would talk to me when I confronted him. Even if he didn’t provide me any information, I was still going up there. It would just be nice to know where exactly “there” was.

“What’s up Cuz?” Dixon answered on the fifth ring. “H-Hey Dixon, how’s it going?” I replied. I almost didn’t expect him to answer. “Not too bad. I’m getting ready to head to the shop.” He said. “Cool, listen I need to talk to you…about Zeppelin. I know he doesn’t want me to know anything, but Dixon I need to see him.” I felt the tears forming in my eyes already. I was prepared to beg and plead with him. I was stunned when Dixon spoke again.

“He’s not doing well Lucky. They said he isn’t very responsive to the treatments right now and the chemotherapy has caused an infection. He’s in the hospital.” He spoke slowly, softly. My breath hitched and a few tears spilled out as I shook my head back and forth. “Why didn’t you tell me anything?” I demanded. My heart was pounding. “I just found out this morning. His mom called me an hour ago.” “Dixon I have to see him. I’m going to Seattle. You need to tell me where he is.” I tried to keep my tone even, but it waivered.

Dixon sighed heavily and was quiet for a few moments. “Lucky there’s nothing you can do for him. He doesn’t want you crying over him. Why do you want to put yourself in that position?” He asked. I swallowed the lump in my throat and wiped my eyes. “I love him Dixon. I can’t turn my back on him and I won’t let you or anyone stop me.” I said. It was silent between us for a few minutes and my heart started to sink. I really needed my cousin to help me out here. I sent out a prayer that he would see reason.

“You are a selfless person to take on a great deal of heartache over someone you haven’t known long.” Dixon said quietly. “Meet me at my house in half an hour and pack a bag.” He added. “What?” I was stunned. Dixon sighed. “I know where he’s at and his mom already told me that I was welcome to visit. I’ll take you to Seattle to see him.” He replied. “Thank you Dixon. I love you, thank you for this.” I said quickly as I shot up out of my chair and ran to my room. “No problem cuz. I’ve got plans to change and calls to make. See you soon.” He said before hanging up.

Hannah stared at me wide-eyed as I crawled under my bed to grab a small suitcase and began erratically filling it with random clothes. I wasn’t sure how long I would be in Seattle. I didn’t know what it would be like at all when we arrived there and I didn’t really care. I was finally going to see Zeppelin and though the entire situation was full of sorrow, for the first time in a month I felt hope.

I told Hannah about my conversation with Dixon and she helped me pack things that I needed. I was grateful for her level-head. I wouldn’t have even remembered my toothbrush, underwear, or shoes if it wasn’t for her. She offered to drive me to Dixon’s and I was once again reminded at how much love I had for this girl. I would be utterly lost without my best friend.

When I got to Dixon’s house, he was just finishing packing his own bag. Hannah squeezed me tight and told me to call her once I was able to. With a quick kiss to my cheek she turned and left, promising to let Josh and the other guys know where Dixon and I were headed. I was a bundle of nerves as I sat in the passenger side of the truck. We were headed out on the highway and my thoughts were scattered, trying to imagine what it might be like when I saw Zeppelin again.

Dixon had told me that he had shaved his head due to the possibility of hair loss during treatment. He also said that Zeppelin told him last week that he had lost some weight and hated that he was too tired to go to the gym. It honestly didn’t matter to me what he looked like as long as I could see him. I hoped that I could talk to him but Dixon said that he might be sleeping.

He called Zeppelin’s mother to let her know that we were coming to the hospital and would be there in a few hours. I hoped that she wouldn’t be upset that we were invading their time with their son, but she seemed really nice about it. In fact, Dixon said that she was eager to meet me. Apparently Zeppelin talked about me all the time and she wanted to finally put a face to the girl that he called “his angel”. That made me smile and cry at the same time.

If I were really an angel, I would be able to work a miracle and make him better. I couldn’t do that though and I wasn’t sure if once he found out I went to see him if he would be upset or happy. I stared out the window as cars and trees passed by rapidly. For the second time today, I sent out a prayer that everything would be alright; that all of my hopes and fears, all of my worries and doubts, would be put to rest.

~~~

It was just past one o’clock when we arrived in Seattle. Dixon navigated through the heavy traffic as my knee bounced up and down in eagerness. Now that we were here in the city, my urge to see Zeppelin was in full swing. My mind was focused solely on him and I felt like time was creeping slower and slower the closer we got. After another twenty minutes, we pulled into the parking lot of a large hospital. Dixon dialed Zeppelin’s mother’s number and told her that we were here.

After giving him instructions on where to go and what floor they were on, he hung up and looked at me. Placing his hand on top of mine, he furrowed his brow. “Are you sure you can handle this?” He asked softly. I nodded as I unbuckled my seatbelt. “I’m ready as I’ll ever be. Dixon I
need
to do this.” I said. He nodded and removed his hand from mine. Letting out a deep breath, he opened his door. “Let’s do this.” He muttered.

We entered the hospital and walked into the elevator, heading up to the appropriate floor. Dixon informed me that Zeppelin was sleeping and not very coherent at the moment. He asked me again if this was really what I wanted to do and I told him that it definitely was. My stomach was a bundle of nerves and butterflies and my body trembled in anticipation. When the elevator doors opened, I took a deep and steady breath and stepped out.

My eyes immediately took in the couple standing next to the nurse’s station. A tall, slender woman with long blonde hair and familiar blue eyes looked directly at me. Her face was solemn for a moment and then a hint of a smile formed on her light pink lips. I knew this was Zeppelin’s mom and I couldn’t help but feel a sense of sadness for her.

She approached me slowly and without warning, opened her arms and pulled me into a warm hug. Tears began to form and I had to wipe away a few escaped ones as she pulled back to look at me. “You must be Lucky.” She said in a sweet voice. “It’s so nice to finally meet you.” I smiled at her and nodded. “It’s nice to meet you too. Thanks for letting us visit Zeppelin.” I replied. “Of course, my name is Kathryn and this is my husband Henry.” She introduced us and pulled Dixon in for a hug as well.

“He’s been in and out of sleep all day. They say that the infection was causing some pain for him so he is medicated which makes him drowsy.” Henry told us. “Is it okay if I see him?” I asked meekly. “Yes, you can see him, but just understand that he might not know you are here.” I nodded. “I understand that.” I said.

Dixon stayed behind with Mr. and Mrs. Rhoades while I was given the go ahead to visit Zeppelin in his room. On shaky legs I made my way down the sterile hallway. The sound of my sneakers echoed against the stark white walls and I attempted to breathe in through my nose and out my mouth. Hospitals didn’t typically cause me to feel ill at ease. I was okay with them obviously or I wouldn’t have chosen a profession in the medical field.

No, I was simply trying not to panic and let the fear of seeing Zeppelin in a hospital bed overwhelm me. I lifted my head to peer down the hall at the last door on the left. It was open, but no light filtered through. Why would he need a light when sleeping? As I began to get closer, my heart rate spiked and I continued my breathing routine.
He needs me. He needs me.
I said over and over in my head. That thought is what carried me the rest of the way. Before I knew it, I was standing outside the open door, my fingers twisted in knots in front of me.

I could hear the low beeping of the monitors that he was hooked up to. I could see the long metal stand that held his IV bag. My eyes focused on the tube that traveled from the bag down to the top of his hand were it was inserted in his skin. I took in a sharp breath and felt the tears. My first thought was that maybe I couldn’t do this. My second thought was that I
had
to do this.

If I walked away now I would feel far more pain than when the time came that I had to say goodbye. I wanted to soak in whatever amount of time we had left to be with each other. Whether he was awake or not, I knew this was where I was supposed to be. I inhaled a deep breath and let it out slowly. My stomach coiled and tightened, bile began to rise in my throat. I stepped forward into the dark, my legs still trembling, my hands still knotted tightly.

I kept my eyes on his large hand with the IV in it. His long fingers were slightly bent. I tried to push the sound of the beeping machine to the back of my mind. Just a little further and I would be able to touch him. My hand loosened its hold from the other and I reached out. I gasped as I felt his soft skin beneath my fingertips. He was warmer than I expected.

Lying in this hospital bed, lifeless to the naked eye, I assumed he would be cold like the air in the room. He wasn’t at all. I ran my fingers along the top of his hand and then slid them over his, interlocking them. Squeezing gently, my heart hummed a steady rhythm. My shoulders relaxed a bit and I shifted my gaze to his chest which was covered with a pale blue quilt. It looked to be hand-made and much softer than what the hospital would offer. His parents must have brought it for him.

Fear overtook me again as my eyes wandered up his chest, toward his neck. I knew that when I saw his face, so peaceful in rest, that I would lose control of my tears. I wished like hell that I could see those blue eyes again, to feel the heat of his gaze as he took me in, to feel his full lips against mine.

Zeppelin looked very peaceful and a little pale when I finally rested my gaze upon his face. His lips were slightly parted, his long, dark lashes fanned out atop his somewhat sunken in cheeks. He had dark stubble along his jaw and around his mouth. It was clear that he had lost some weight and his head was covered in a light dusting of light brown hair. Just as I knew they would, tears began to spill on to my cheeks and my vision blurred.

A sob escaped my throat and I lifted the hand that wasn’t holding his to my mouth. Bending over him, I let my head rest on his chest as it rose and fell gently. I couldn’t speak. I had no idea where to begin saying what I wanted to. I just cried, sobbed like a baby, spilling tears on his blanket. It was all I could do.

It was quiet in the room, silent other than the sound of his machines. Even my sobs were muffled from my hand covering my mouth. I didn’t want him to hear me crying over him; if he
could
hear me. My sobs lessened, but I couldn’t stop the water pouring from my eyes. I drew my hand away from my lips and let out a staggered sigh.

As I began to lift my head, I felt long fingers brush the ends of my hair. I immediately searched Zeppelin’s face. His eyes were still closed, his face as serene as it was minutes ago. I straightened my body and looked at the hand on the other side of him. It now rested atop his stomach instead of at his side.

He had moved, he had felt me or heard me and he moved his hand. “I miss you.” I blurted out in a gruff whisper. “I know you’re not quite yourself right now Zeppelin. I hope you can hear me. Dixon told me everything. I was so mad at you when you left without a word. You broke my heart on the beach that night and I wasn’t sure that I could forgive you.” I swiped at my cheeks and looked at his face.

“But how could I hold a grudge toward you when all along you were lying to protect me? The entire summer you never asked me for anything. We just were. There was no complication, no questions or doubts. I loved every minute that I got to spend with you and I wouldn’t trade that for anything.” I studied his face for a while, waiting to see if any recognition would show. When nothing changed, I took a deep breath and began speaking again.

“I love you Zeppelin, more than I ever thought possible.” I clutched both of his hands with mine. “I can’t say goodbye to you, I don’t want to. I’ll stay as long as I can. I’ll wait forever for you. Please, please don’t leave me again. I need you to wake up and I need you to get better. Three months isn’t nearly long enough for us. We need a lifetime.”

There was no air left in my lungs as more sobs rocked through my chest. I don’t know how long I stood at Zeppelin’s bed side, holding his hand with mine. I couldn’t bring myself to let go of him both physically and mentally.

A while later I heard the sound of soft footsteps approaching the room. I didn’t bother turning my head to see who it might be. I really didn’t care about anyone other than the man who I was staring at, still sleeping soundly.

“Lucky, it’s time to go.” Dixon said carefully as he placed a hand on my shoulder. I shook my head. “I can’t leave him Dixon. What if I miss something? What if he…what if something happens when I’m not here?” I felt my cousin squeeze my shoulder gently. “I know Lucky, but visiting hours were over an hour ago and his parents want to be with him.” I understood what Dixon was saying, but I didn’t want to be apart from Zeppelin at all now that I was here. I let out a heavy sigh. “When can I come back?” I asked. “We can talk to his parents. They are waiting outside the room.” Nodding, I finally turned my attention to my cousin. “Okay.” I breathed.