All of me (17 page)

‘Well?’ he smiles.

‘I like,’ I grin.

‘Good, and you can get in and out of this
one too,’ he is selling it to me.

‘Yes, thank you Matt it is too much really,
but thank you.’ I feel embarrassed again and he chuckles, ‘you are adorable
when you do that,’ he pulls me into his arms and kisses me soundly. ‘Come on I
have dinner prepared.’

I take my jacket off and Matt whistles,
‘you must be the hottest, pregnant lady, I have ever seen.’

‘Pregnant lady?! That just makes me sound
old!’ I tease, ‘I had to buy a few maternity clothes today the others just aren’t
cutting it with our son here growing daily.  I received all sorts of judgmental
looks at work.’ I share.

‘Why?’ he frowns.

‘Well, everyone is aware I am single and
until a few days ago didn’t know I was pregnant so there is a big
whose is
it
? Chinese whisper going around.’

He frowns for a moment, ‘I don’t understand
this, no one knew you were pregnant, thing you are huge!’

‘Gee, thanks Matt! I have been disguising
it,’ I pop an olive in my mouth from a small dish on the side, ‘I am starving,’
I mutter, ‘what is on the menu?’

‘That is good news, chicken fajitas,’ he
grins.

‘Yum.’ I kick off my shoes and move to the
conservatory where Matt had set two places, ‘you are too cute,’ I wrap my arms
around him from behind, kissing his back, ‘although it goes against everything
I believe in accepting it - I love the car thank you.’ I whisper against him.

‘You are very charming this evening, and
you are welcome,’ he purrs holding my arms around him, as he is stirring the
vegetables. 

We are snuggled on the sofa discussing our
days as the flames flicker within the fireplace, I feel myself nodding off, ‘is
it ok if I stay over?’ I mumble.

‘Of course, or you could just move in,’ he
raises an eyebrow to the ceiling, ‘full tummy?’

‘Hmmm, yes thank you.’ I mumble sleepily.

‘Come on bed,’ he helps me up.

I snuggle into Matt in the huge bed, ‘I
will have to thank you properly later, too tired.’ I mutter as my eyelids
close.

‘Sshhh, you already did by accepting it so
graciously,’ he kisses my head.

 I am seated once again in the waiting room
at the hospital, but this time I am not alone. I peruse all the protruding
abdomens and find that I am amongst the biggest.  I grin to myself and think
back to the first time I came here and how alone I felt, ‘what are you smiling
at?’ Matt calls from beside me.

‘Nothing,’ I turn to him, ‘it just feels
good to not be alone this time,’ I feel shy at my admission, it seems although
my mouth has very little filter when I allow it to run away with itself but
that works for positive thoughts too.

Matt places an arm around my shoulder and
drops a kiss on my lips, ‘I love it when you are honest about your feelings
Emily, in fact……… I love you, full stop.’ He strokes my face and I flush, he
loves me!  I don’t know what to say or do my heart skips a beat at his words my
insides churn.

‘Emily Taylor,’ a nurse calls and I stand
up abruptly, as she directs us into the room.

I can feel Matt’s eyes assessing me, but I
avoid them as the nurse places the jelly on my abdomen sliding the probe over
the area.  It is my thirty four week scan and the baby is growing massively,
the scan no longer shows the whole baby, but parts of him.

Matt grasps my hand, this is the first scan
he has attended so I imagine he is extremely excited so I give his fingers a
small squeeze.  The nurse continues her checks, Matt asking various questions,
his face in awe at his first glimpse of his son.

The past weeks have been amazing, Matt is
the most attentive boyfriend ensuring my needs are met at every eventuality.  Although
I have spent a considerable amount of time at Matt’s I have remained adamant
that I remain living at my flat.  However, I have found working difficult the
past week or so, a fact I have kept concealed from Matt, I have taken to
driving to work despite the parking charges the walk becoming tougher.  This
week I had remained in the flat every night, tiredness consuming me.  How I was
going to continue working, I wasn’t sure.

‘All the measurements are positive, he is
quite a size for a first baby,’ the nurse notes, ‘how are you feeling in
yourself?’

‘Fine,’ I assure her before I add, ‘tired.’
I admit without looking at Matt, not wanting to keep anything from the medical
professionals.

‘Are you still working?’ she questions.

‘Yes,’ I nod.

‘Maybe it is time to start thinking about
slowing down, your ankles appear a little swollen.’ she taps my ankles, ‘do you
do a lot of walking?’

‘Not so much, I drive to work now.’ I can
feel Matt’s gaze burning into me.

‘Ok well, gentle exercise is good but let
your body guide you, let’s take your blood pressure.’ I clean up the gel from
my abdomen and we sit whilst the nurse commences the usual checks, ‘it is a bit
on the high side Emily, we will need to monitor that at this late stage.’

I nod, but I feel anxious, ‘everything is
ok though?’ I mutter running a hand over George protectively.

‘All signs are fine,’ she smiles towards us
both, ‘I would like you to make another appointment for a week to come back and
see me, meanwhile any problems or if you start to get headaches or your ankles
swell any further then ensure you return immediately.’

‘What are you concerned about?’ Matt
enquires, he has been silent up until that moment.

‘Nothing to worry about but blood pressure
can be a sign of other issues, but don’t become over anxious that in itself can
cause Emily problems of her own,’ she smiles encouragingly.

I sit in Matt’s BMW and he starts the car,
‘how long have you been driving to work?’ he accuses.

‘A week or so, I glance over to him, ‘don’t
over analyze this Matt, I just tire easily that is all.’

‘No that isn’t all,’ his voice is quiet, a
sign I have recognized when he is extremely mad.

I sigh, ‘I don’t want to argue with you
Matt.’

‘No, and you won’t, you are going to do
exactly what I suggest for the safety of our son, Emily. I have remained
patient and gone along with your demands for long enough, you are going to give
up that damn job and move your butt into the house.’

‘No Matt, I am not,’ I fume and he holds a
hand up.

‘Stop!’ he growls, ‘we are not doing this!
If you give a shit about George you will stop being selfish and put his health
first.  Did it not occur to you to share the fact that you are struggling with
the pregnancy with the father of your baby?  I cannot second guess this anymore
Emily, I need to know you are both healthy and safe. I cannot do that with the
distance between us and I don’t mean geographically.’

I feel my fury rise and remind myself to
calm my blood pressure exhaling a breath slowly, tears appear in my eyes and
roll down my cheeks silently.  Matt curses and hits the steering wheel pulling
into the kerb, he unclasps our seatbelts and pulls me close to him.

‘Don’t cry baby,’ he hums into my ear and I
hiccup, ‘I am sorry. I just need something back,’ he murmurs.  I allow him to
soothe me calming in his embrace as the tears cease, he strokes my hair away
from my face. ‘I have to trust that you are telling me everything Emily. How
long have you been feeling bad?’

‘I am just tired, that is all.’ I reassure
him.

‘You have to trust in me, in us.  This
isn’t just about the baby Emily, you must know that by now.  I love you, I want
you as a permanent fixture in my life you need to give me a chance.  I am
attempting to give you space, you haven’t been to the house all week,’ he
accuses quietly.

‘I have been too tired to drive over,’ I
express.

‘If you don’t want me Emily then I will
just be a father to George, I cannot keep on putting myself through this,’ he
clasps my seatbelt and pulling his over himself pulls away from the kerb.

So much for always being there I think as
we drive home, I realize I am being unreasonable but cannot help the emotions and
insecurities running through me.  We reach my flat and I climb out of the car
moving directly to mine,

‘Where are you going?’ he scowls.

‘I am meeting Lucy,’ I climb into my car
and without a word drive off.

********

Matt watches as Emily drives off, fuck why
did I push her?  Things have been great but this week I have missed her, she is
detaching from me and I panicked.  When the nurse hinted at a potential problem
with the baby, I was fuming I thought we were getting somewhere but she is
obviously still remaining self-contained.

I feel a piercing in my chest, I never
really expected her to express her love back but a tiny part of me hoped with
all my heart that she would.  I require a sign that she is in this for us, not
for a father for our baby.

I return to my car and lean back against
the headrest, it should be a happy day being the first time I witnessed our
son’s heartbeat and small body wriggling about.  With a heavy heart I drive
off, I feel so helpless I need to step back and let her come to me….if she ever
does.

********

Emily pulls up outside Lucy’s and exits the
car, it is only four fifteen yet her sister is home. She frowns before knocking
on the door. 

‘Hey, where’s your key?’ Lucy enquires
brightly.

‘I wouldn’t use it when you are in, who
knows you may be in a compromising position.’ I smile weakly.

‘Hmmmm, why do I sense an Emily drama
coming on?’ she regards my face and opens the door, ‘come in.’

‘Why are you home?’ I ignore her.

‘Had a doctor’s appointment,’ she smiles.

‘All ok, just a checkup?’ I enquire gently.

‘Of sorts. Tom had to return to the office,
but he will be back soon, will you stay and have dinner?’

‘Yes, if you don’t mind.’ I agree.

‘Now, what is happening in your soap
opera?’ Lucy moves over to the kettle and switches it on, ‘you look huge by the
way,’ she gapes at my stomach.

‘Apparently he is a big baby,’ I roll my
eyes, ‘why the only word that appears to mind when I think about that is,
‘ouch!!’’

She giggles, bringing a tea over, ‘where is
lover-boy, gone back to work?’

‘Hmmm, I think so, he is pissed with me.’ I
mumble.

‘Why, what have you done?’ she tilts her
head as though she is addressing one of her eight year olds. I explain the
situation to Lucy who sits and regards me patiently.

‘Well, you shouldn’t be at work if your
blood pressure is high and your ankles are swelling, he is absolutely right,
you have to be careful of pre-eclampsia,’ she states, my sister knows everything
there is to know about pregnancy, due to all the books she has read over the
past year.

‘But he cannot demand I give up work and
move in with him,’ I reply stubbornly.

‘I thought you were spending most of your
time there anyway now,’ she utters.

‘Not this week, I haven’t felt great, I am
so tired Lucy.  I am literally, flopping on the sofa and remaining there until
bedtime. I have a heap of laundry to do.’ I murmur.

‘Then allow him to take care of you, he
loves you that is plain to see,’

‘I know, he said.’ I mumble.

‘And my guess is you skirted over the issue,’
she shakes her head, ‘do you want to be with Matt Emily?’

I gaze at her, ‘you cannot even admit it to
me, can you?’ she sighs, ‘you will lose him, Em.’

I nod, ‘I know.’

Tom appears and hugs me, ‘Hi sis. Wow, that
is some cargo Emily,’ his eyes round at my middle.

I smile, ‘I know, trust me to have a big
baby eh?’ and the conversation is diverted.

We have almost finished dinner when Lucy
exclaims, ‘So, we have news,’ she glances at her husband as she places her
cutlery down.

‘Oh?’ my eyes find hers immediately,
anxiety pouring through me.

She grins, ‘we are pregnant!’

I scream and jump up, as quickly as my bump
will allow, hugging them both, ‘oh Luce, our babies can grow up together,’ I
wipe the tears from my eyes, as I gaze at her lovingly. ‘I am so pleased for
you both,’ my bottom lip wobbles and my eyes regard her tummy, ‘how far?’

‘Three months, we have waited to be sure
everything is ok and the doctor confirmed all is fine today.  You want to see a
picture.’ Her eyes are alight with excitement.

‘Yes, I want to see a picture!’ I screech,
as she runs out to the kitchen.

‘Oh, Tom congratulations,’ I hug him.  I am
so pleased for you,’ he looks like the
cat who got
the cream
hugging me awkwardly, due to my huge obstruction.

‘Thank you Emily,’ he smiles, ‘all good
things come to those who wait, eh?’