All My Tomorrows (5 page)

CHAPTER
4

The
Edge of Darkness

Chapter
13

After another amazing day of museums and picnics, we
came home one evening to a dark, quiet house. It had been raining, and we were
both sopping wet and giggly from singing in it. Even though it was still
summer, I was chilly from being wet, so Tony lit the gas fireplace while I got
us some towels.

“I don’t know how I would have made it through the
last ten days without you,” I told him as we sat in front of the fireplace to
dry off. “I hope your firm doesn’t mind you abandoning them.”

“No, they understand, although they might not
recognize me when I go back.”

I knew what he meant. “When I first saw you after all
these years, I was scared to death of you. It was as if there was an icy aura,
a coldness surrounding you. But now it’s gone. Now you’re warm.” He looked
warm, too, sitting next to me in the glow of the fire.

He rubbed my cheek with his thumb as he stared into my
eyes. “That coldness was grief, and you have given me the strength to overcome
it.”

“How could I when I have been grieving, too?”

“Because I had to come through for you. It wasn’t
enough to come through for myself. You gave me a reason to be strong and not
allow it to overwhelm me, or it would have conquered you.”

“You don’t think this grief would have passed on its
own?”

“Maybe, but after how long? It would be horrible to
waste any length of time in tears, even a moment, because life is so precious,
and we never know when it could be taken away.”

I leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. “I think
you’re wonderful.”

Tony caressed my cheek. “I think you’re beautiful.”

Our lips came together tenderly at first, like that
morning in my bedroom, but then more passionately. As the kisses continued to
deepen, he brought me slowly down onto the rug. Then we smiled and he lay
beside me, and we turned facing each other. We kissed until I was dizzy and
felt like I was in a dream.

He rubbed under my chin and down my neck, and his hand
traveled down to the opening of my blouse. “I want you, Lexie. You have no
idea. I want you so bad, it’s driving me crazy.”

I didn’t know what I wanted. I knew I was falling in
love with him. We had spent every waking hour together since we heard of Tad’s
death, and the better I knew him, the more I cared for him. Still, it was all
moving so fast. I understood what he meant about every moment being precious
and how quickly it can be taken away, but I had never been in love before –
never made love before.

I took his hand and brought it to my lips, kissing it
and nuzzling it, trying to tell him what I could not bring myself to say - that
we needed to slow down because I wasn’t ready. I hoped he would understand
without me speaking the words, which I was afraid he would take as rejection. I
guess he didn’t get the message. He took his hand from mine and brushed it over
my hair, then he started kissing me again.

I wasn’t kissing him back, and he noticed. He wrapped
me in his arms and rolled on his back so I was on top of him. He held the back of
my head and pressed our lips tightly together. I tried to resist, but as if my
lips had a will of their own, I started kissing him back.

His hands followed my frame from my shoulders down my
back and to my thighs. He rolled me over onto my back and kissed me deeper. He
ran his hands over my body until they met at the snap of my jeans. Once he had
unzipped them and put his hand inside, I wanted him, too. As he touched me, I
couldn’t believe the waves of sensation he poured over me. He yanked at my wet
jeans to pull them down, and I wiggled to help him. He kissed up and down my
neck and nibbled my ear as he unbuttoned my damp blouse, then he kissed the
tops of my breasts above my bra.

As he fondled me and kissed my mouth again, words,
poetic phrases raced through my mind. I felt the passion flaming through me
like the fire beside us. He unzipped his jeans and pushed my legs open, and
then I felt him against me. I wanted him; I wanted him so bad.

Just as we were about to join, a car drove up, its
headlights flashing a stream of light across us through the window. “Dammit!”
he said. “Who the hell could that be?”  He wrestled with zipping up his pants
and then helped me redress, then we stood up and started for the door.

Before we made it that far, the door opened.

“Mother!” Tony did not hide his shock or his
annoyance.

“I’m back, my darlings!” She walked in with a
chauffeur behind her with the luggage. “I tried to get here as quickly as I
could as soon as I received your telegram. I wish you would have sent it when
you first found out.” She paid the chauffeur and dismissed him.

“Why didn’t you call?” Tony asked. “We could have
picked you up from the airport.”

“I did. No one answered. Where were you two?”

We looked at each other. “At dinner,” he said.

“So you two have been getting along then? Have you
become better acquainted?”

“Uh, you might say that.”

“I’m so glad to hear it. I would hug you both, but you
look like something the cat drug in. I’m exhausted from that transatlantic
flight. Unless there is something we need to discuss tonight or talk about the
arrangements, I think I’ll retire.” Neither Tony nor I spoke. “All right, then.
Good night, children.”

“Good night,” we sang after her as she climbed the
stairs.

I turned to him. “Good night, Tony. Thank you, for
everything.”

His face looked crushed. “Lexie, you’re going to
sleep?”

“Yes. I think I better. I’ll see you in the morning.”

He kissed me again and sent chills down my spine. He
took me in his arms and held me tight. “Sweet dreams. Dream of me.”

☼

Alice had settled into the lounge chair under an
umbrella with a strawberry margarita and her paperback, ready to read and
relax. Giselle and Jack were at the far end of the pool smiling at each other;
Peter, of course, had Skinny Winnie attached to him with no intention of
letting him wander away; and none of the other guests acknowledged her
existence. Perfect.

☼

The next morning, Tony and I decided it would be
better if we were not open about our relationship until after Tad’s funeral. I
guess we were afraid of how Mother would react, and we didn’t want to add more
to this stressful time. But more often than not, our feelings would shine
through. Although neither of us had said it, I knew we were in love. We would
steal a kiss or a touch here and there and kiss whenever we had a moment alone.

Soon after the funeral, Mother was back to being her
old self again. Her hair was freshly blond, and she began having visitors
again. It seemed her grieving for Molly, and for Tad, had passed.

One morning I was awoken by Tony’s soft kisses on my
face. I opened my eyes and saw him sitting beside me without a shirt on. He
crawled under the covers close to me. His body was warm, and I wrapped my arms
around him as he kissed my neck and ran his hand over my nightgown. He reached
the hem, and his hand traveled up my thigh. Once he touched me, I knew I was
ready.

“Lexie, I –” Mother said as she came in the door but
broke off and gaped at us. Tony and I sat up immediately. “What is going on
here?” Tony and I looked at each other. “Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, no!” She
ran crying out of the room, slamming the door behind her.

“Jesus shit,” he said. “Again, her timing is
impeccable.”

“What are we going to do?”

He stood up from the bed. “Well, at least now she
knows. No matter what she says or how she feels, she isn’t going to come
between us. I don’t understand why she is so upset. At least this way, she
wouldn’t have to hassle with in-laws.”

It took a few seconds for the term “in-laws” to
register. “What?”

He sat back on the bed and took my hands in each of
his. “That’s why I came in here this morning. I thought it might be easier for
Mother to hear that we’re engaged and not just screwing. I know it’s quick, but
I know I love you and I want to be with you. So will you marry me?”

I hugged him, hard. “Oh God, Tony. I want to be with
you, too. But you’re right. It is quick. Can we…can we talk about it a little
more? I mean, I’m only eighteen. Mother thinks were having sex now anyway. Can
we talk about it later?”

We came apart. “Sure. I understand.” He tapped a kiss
on my lips. “I’m going to go talk to Mother.”

As I dressed, I could think of nothing but his
proposal. I hadn’t even decided what I wanted to do with my life. Becoming an
actress was probably a pipe dream, but I thought I’d like to try. I just didn’t
want to lose Tony in the process. Perhaps we could have a long engagement.

I could hear them screaming at one another from the
top of the stairs. As I got closer to the kitchen, I was able to make out the
words they were yelling.

“Did you have intercourse with her?”

“Mother!”

“Did you have intercourse with her?”

“That is none of your Goddamn business!”

“I would say if my children are having sex, it is very
much my business!”

I walked into the kitchen, and they both turned to me.
“Lexie,” said Mother, “leave us alone. Anthony and I need to discuss this.”

“No!” Tony said. “She has every right to be here. It’s
her life!”

“Well, I’m her mother!”

“And I’m her lover!”

“So it is true.”

I could feel my face turning red.

“Lexie, please leave Tony and me for a while. I just
need to talk to him about some things alone.” She dug into her purse on the
table and pulled out a wallet and her car keys. “Here. Take this and go
shopping, or go to a movie. Just give us a couple of hours to clear the air.”

With the keys was a hundred dollar bill. “I don’t need
this much.”

“Take it. Go get some new clothes. Besides, I didn’t
bring you back anything from my trip.”

Tony took another hundred out of his wallet and
stuffed it in my hand. “Here. Buy yourself a whole new wardrobe.”

“But –” I started to argue, but he placed a finger on
my lips.

“Shhh…We both want you to take the money, and neither
of us will take ‘no’ for an answer.”

“Uh, thank you.”

“Goodbye, Lexie,” Mother said.

Then, to my mother’s vocal disgust, he pulled me close
and kissed me ardently. “Bye, Lexie,” he whispered in my ear. “I’ll see you in
a little while, and we can finish what we started.”

I knew I was blushing, so I left quickly.

I was hungry, so I stopped at a diner for breakfast
and then went shopping, but being alone with my thoughts just made me anxious.
I went to a movie, but my mind kept wandering back to the house wondering what
was going on. Finally, I could take it no longer.

When I got home, the house was dark and seemed empty,
deserted. At first, I thought, “Oh, my God. They’ve killed each other.”

I called out that I was back, but no one answered.
“Tony!” No reply. I went upstairs and knocked on his door, but he didn’t say
anything, so I opened the door. His room was a wreck, and all his clothes were
gone.

I started running around the house, crying and calling
his name. I found Mother in the party room.

“Where is he?”

“Gone.” She had been drinking, and her face was a
mask.

“Gone? What do you mean gone?”

“He’s packed up and moved out.”

“Where did he go?”

“He didn’t say. Here.” She handed me an envelope with
my name on it in Tony’s writing, and I ripped it open.

Lexie,

I love you. More than you’ll ever know. More than I
even knew until this moment when I have to let you go. That’s why I have to
leave. I know I could not stand being near you and not be able to touch or kiss
you. I don’t even know who I am any more, but I know that I love you. You gave
me my life back.

With all my heart,

Tony

I stared knives at Mother that were probably as piercing
as my voice. “What did you do? What did you say to him? Why did you make him
leave?”

“My darling Lexie.” She extended her hand to me, but I
wouldn’t take it. “Please sit down.” When I sat beside her, I could tell she
had been crying. “Tony is your brother.”

“So what if legally he’s my brother?”

“No, he is your brother.”

“Not by blood.”

“Yes. By blood. I had an affair with your father. Your
mother and Molly didn’t find out about it until years later. That’s why she
would never speak to me again, and why Molly divorced me. When I was with your
father, that’s when I became pregnant with Tony. You and Tony have the same
father.”