Aaron (38 page)

“That wasn’t what I was asking. What you and Spencer do in bed is none of my or anyone else’s business. I just wanted to know if you had any nightmares because of the sexual connotation of sleeping together or even from sleeping in a strange place.”

He didn’t look upset, which relaxed Aaron a bit, and he snagged another piece of bacon from the platter next to the eggs.

“I had a bit of a problem at first, while—” Aaron glanced at Spencer, who nodded that it was okay to tell his father they’d been kissing. “— while we were kissing. But we talked about it, and I took a hard look at what could have caused it. I think it was because… well… because Spencer was…. Do we have to talk about this?”

“No, but I’m glad you talked about and worked through the trigger. That’s very good, Aaron.”

The conversation turned toward school, which had ended the week before. Spencer had managed to get through his final exams without exploding. Aaron had gotten out of bed and made it to the college to take his. He’d e-mailed his advisor and agreed to take Freshman Composition along with the second programming course in the sequence since Spencer said they never had to read anything aloud. He made sure to schedule his programming course at the same time as Spencer’s. Dr. Thomas said he thought Aaron taking two courses the following semester was manageable. The discussion smacked of normalcy in a way Aaron rarely felt.

“Are. You. Going. To. Go. Home. Today.?” Spencer asked just before shoveling the last of the eggs from his plate into his mouth. Dr. Thomas looked up from his coffee and waited for Aaron’s answer.

Taking a long drink of his orange juice, Aaron contemplated the answer. Being with Spencer comforted him, but he needed to talk things over with his parents. If nothing else, he wanted to clear the air about the injunction against Dr. Thomas.

“Yeah, I need to talk to them.” Aaron shrugged and polished off the bacon from his plate. His stomach actually hurt, he’d eaten so much. In the last two years, he couldn’t remember a time when he’d eaten until it was actually painful. His first thought was to call his mother. She’d love that. “I love my parents. I just need to make them see that your dad is helping me.”
T
HE empty living room loomed in front of him as Aaron opened the front door. He dropped the grocery bag with his dirty clothes on the floor near the stairs. Closing his eyes for just a second, he gathered himself as he slipped off his shoes. There was no sound except a faint music, probably coming from the basement where his brothers slept. The scent of blueberry drifted in from the kitchen, so he decided to apologize to his mother and maybe start a conversation.

She sat at the kitchen table drinking coffee and stared at an untouched muffin on the table in front of her. The circles under her eyes and the sadness in her face made his heart hurt. He’d put her through so much in the last two years. Why couldn’t she see that he was trying to make it better by seeing Dr. Thomas? He didn’t want to be such a fucking burden on his family, on her. Though he’d eaten breakfast with Spencer and his father just a couple hours before, he grabbed a muffin from the counter as he walked into the room. His mother finally looked up as he sat down across from her at the table.

After several long minutes of being squared off, she broke the silence.

 

“Are you okay?”

Of course, it was always his well-being first. No matter what else happened between them, she always put his feelings above her own. He needed to get through to her that she didn’t need to do that anymore; he just wasn’t sure how.

“Yes. I was a little unsettled at first, but after that, I was fine.” Aaron broke off a piece of the warm muffin, which smelled like heaven, and popped it in his mouth. The sweet tang of blueberry melted against his tongue, and he was startled by the sound of her chair scraping against the tile as she stood.

“Please don’t go,” Aaron pleaded. His mother looked down at him with wide eyes, obviously surprised by his request. “We need to talk about this, just you and me.” His father would go along with whatever his mother decided, so he needed to convince her.

“I know that it may not seem like it right now, but your father and I want what’s best for you. A therapist who can’t take care of himself or his patients isn’t a good choice for you. I know you care about Spencer….” She stopped when Aaron shook his head.

“This isn’t about Spencer. Yes, he introduced me to Dr. Thomas because that’s his father, but that’s not why I want to see him. He helps me, Mom. More than anyone has in the last two years, except you. You got me to breathe again and move again, but he can get me to
live
again. After the attack, I used to wonder why God didn’t just let me die like Juliette. I used to wish for it just so that I wouldn’t have to be terrified all the time.”

His mother looked stricken. He had never told her the truth about how he felt, choosing instead to dilute it to a half-truth or simply remain silent. She needed to know.

“Don’t say that,” she whispered and wrapped her hands tightly around the coffee cup.

“I have to say it. We never discussed it before because I was never able to. They took everything from me that night, including my ability to talk about what they did to me. On that freezing concrete floor, they broke me, they shattered me. They—” He stopped abruptly and grabbed the edge of the table. The room grew smaller as his breathing accelerated into panicked little gasps. “They raped me, Mom,” he whispered, because he didn’t have the strength to say it any louder.

The tears that had welled in his mother’s eyes at the mention of his suicidal thoughts spilled down over her cheeks. She didn’t try to stop them or even wipe them away.

“I know, honey,” she said, and her voice shook with tears. “I have to find some way to make peace with that or I’ll never get my life back. Dr. Thomas is helping me find that peace.”

“How do you know it isn’t you finding that peace? Or having a friend? Or finding your attraction for Spencer? How do you know it’s Dr. Thomas? Let’s just try another therapist and see, okay?”

His mother’s face pleaded with him, shining, so full of hope he almost gave in. It wasn’t Spencer. It wasn’t having a friend. It was Dr. Thomas who had started to give him his life back—or at least lead him back to his life.

“Why did you file those papers with the court?” Aaron asked, trying to defuse the questions with a slight subject change to lessen their power. The debate skills came back to him easily, and he prepared to make his case. So much depended on his ability to convince his mother of the truth.

“Your father had a colleague file the injunction because we were scared Dr. Thomas might cause more harm than good with you. Your uncle Mark is an alcoholic, Aaron. It’s destroyed his life, and the lives of just about everyone around him. I can’t take the chance that this therapist will hurt you—psychologically or even physically. Think about it, honey. His alcoholism isn’t even a secret. We found out about it when we talked to one of his former staff to get a reference. It has to be pretty bad in order for so many people to know about it. Please, Aaron, you’re better now. I see it every day. Just try a different therapist,” Michelle pleaded with her son.

“No. There is no reason for me to look for another therapist, when I have one that’s helping me. In order for your injunction to work, you’ll need to have me declared incompetent, which you can’t do. I’ve seen a dozen shrinks over the past two years, and I know exactly how to play one. And by the way, that’s the difference. I never even thought about playing Dr. Thomas. He wanted to make me better.” Aaron stood up. Her eyes shuttered as he stood, and her posture tightened as he tossed the halfeaten muffin into the garbage can on the way to the stairs. He’d lived with her all his life, and knew that she wouldn’t relent. If he wanted to continue to see Dr. Thomas, he had to find another way to reach her.

Chapter Twenty-One

 

“
M
OM, I’d like to invite Spencer and his father for dinner tomorrow,” Aaron said that night at dinner as his mother stood making hamburgers at the stove. A covered baking dish with baked beans sat on the back of the stove to stay warm. The smell of bread and molasses and sunshine permeated the kitchen, making Aaron’s stomach rumble. It had been so fucking long since he looked forward to food.

“Aaron, we just served him with legal papers. That’s not a good idea.” She didn’t turn from the counter, but tensed as she pulled another finished burger from the griddle and put it on a plate for him. Allen and Anthony were already eating at the table as they watched the exchange. Aaron was glad for a moment that his father had a late meeting because it was easier to argue when they didn’t gang up on him.

“All I’m asking for is dinner and a conversation.” He took his plate to the table, where he sat across from his brothers, who were studiously eating their food and looking anywhere but at him. His mother sighed and turned off the stove before sitting down at the head of the table next to Aaron. She didn’t bring herself a plate.

“I know, honey, but it’s not going to make us change our minds about letting him treat you.” She started to reach for his hand and then stopped herself. He wanted to tell her that it was okay, that she could touch his hand, but anger and pride stopped him. He didn’t want to comfort her when she wouldn’t even listen to something that
really
mattered to him. Nothing in his life had
really
mattered to him for so damn long.

“Then it won’t be a problem to invite them over, will it?” he asked. He tried to keep an innocent look on his face, but she didn’t buy it. “Yes, it will. It will be awkward.”

“My whole life has been nothing
but
awkward.” Aaron pushed his plate away, having finished the burger in several large bites. He drank his soda when he didn’t get a response from her. The room remained quiet. Both Allen and Anthony ate slower than Aaron had ever seen before as they continued to watch the exchange. Finally, after a long, almost debilitating silence, someone spoke, but it wasn’t his mother.

“Mom, Aaron found a therapist because we heard you and Dad talk about sending him away. I’m sorry, but it’s not fair. Aaron should have a say in this doctor he found,” Allen said quietly. After a moment, he looked up from his plate and into his mother’s face. Aaron’s mother turned to her youngest son.

“I guess you have an opinion too,” she prompted.

 

Anthony looked at Aaron, and then Allen, and finally at his mother. “I just want Aaron to be happy again, Mom.”

Aaron’s mother took the empty plates from her three sons and stacked them next to the sink. She returned for the platters and then for the glasses, never saying a word as she gathered the dinner dishes. Aaron waited, undeterred by her silence. His brothers waited too, and Aaron appreciated their support more than he could say. She ran water into the sink and started rinsing the dishes. After a minute, Aaron joined her and put them in the dishwasher. Platters on the bottom, plates on the left, glasses on the top, silverware in the basket—they continued on, rinsing and laying them out in the dishwasher in silence. She didn’t even look at him as she handed him each piece, but he would wait her out because he was far more stubborn than she.

He’d just forgotten it for a while.

When the dishes were loaded, he added soap, closed the door, and turned it on. He leaned against the counter and watched her wiping down the stove and the sink. His impatience got the better of him, and he nearly asked again about the invitation for Spencer and his father, but she answered before he could ask.

“Okay, invite them to dinner. It won’t change my mind, but maybe we can change yours.”

A
ARON spent most of the afternoon in his room trying to concentrate on a book Dr. Thomas had suggested he read. After the third time he read about gaining back his sexual identity, he dropped the book on the bed and checked the time on his phone. Spencer and his father would be there in about half an hour for dinner. He could smell something garlicky coming from downstairs, and his stomach snarled. Since he’d decided to stay in his room and read after breakfast, he hadn’t thought about going down to get lunch, though he was surprised his mother hadn’t forced the issue.

Changing his shirt for a nicer long-sleeved polo, Aaron brushed his hair and teeth, and decided to wait downstairs for his friend. Allen still hadn’t gotten the hang of talking to Spencer. He still yelled or talked really slow. Sometimes, he even gesticulated wildly as he spoke, which usually embarrassed them all.

The doorbell rang as soon as Aaron reached the top of the stairs. They were early. He took the stairs two at a time and managed to get to the door before Allen, who detoured instead to the family room. With a silent prayer to whatever god happened to be listening at the time, he opened the door. Spencer stood just in front of his father, and Aaron could tell he’d made an effort. His hair, usually a wild mass of curls, had been tamed and loosely framed his face. Instead of his usual T-shirt, he wore a turquoise button-down that made the green in his eyes more prominent. Aaron stared for a long moment before he remembered himself and invited them in. As he stood back to let Dr. Thomas in the door, he noticed that the doctor had also put in an effort to impress his parents.