Aaron (37 page)

“Just give me a minute, please.”

Spencer watched as Aaron closed his eyes and did a few deep breathing exercises Spencer recognized from the sessions with his father. Slowly, almost reluctantly it seemed, Aaron’s body relaxed. The tension in his shoulders and in his face loosened, and his hands unclenched at his sides.

“Okay, let’s try this,” Aaron said after a minute, and opened his arms. Spencer moved slowly to the middle of the bed, the blankets rubbing against his bare back, and rested his head on Aaron’s chest. Closing his eyes, he relaxed to the feel of Aaron’s heart beating against his cheek. He couldn’t hear it, but the steady pulse felt comfortable and safe. God, he’d never done that before, just lain with someone in bed and felt strong arms around him.

His mouth captured Aaron’s before he could stop himself. The sweet feel of Aaron’s lips, soft and pliant under his, made his cock harden. When Aaron opened up to him and their tongues brushed against each other, they lingered just long enough to make Spencer crazy. The afternoon with the delivery guy seemed like for-fucking-ever ago, but he also knew he needed to be gentle with Aaron.

Aaron pulled away slowly, but Spencer moved forward instead, keeping no space between them as their kisses turned deeper. His fingers brushed through Aaron’s short hair, and he felt a hand at the base of his spine, holding him gently. Overwhelmed by the emotion of the moment, Spencer couldn’t articulate, even to himself, how deep Aaron’s kisses touched him. It was as if someone had opened him up and shone a light into his soul. They took his breath away.

Spencer moved over Aaron, and they touched everywhere: chests, stomachs, legs, and everywhere in between. He could feel his erection pressing against Aaron’s lower stomach, and groaned with the effort to master himself. The last thing on earth he wanted was to scare Aaron.

They kissed harder, and Spencer tried desperately to show Aaron how much he was needed, and wanted, and… loved.
A
ARON’Sheart raced in his chest, and he tried to breathe as Spencer’s

weight pinned him to the bed.
I can’t do this, I can’t… I can’t….
The memory formed in his mind of another body on top of him, pinning him to the garage floor. Only that body tore him in two and he couldn’t get away from it. Spencer kept kissing him, heedless of the fact he was trying to push him off. Spencer’s eyes were closed, and he couldn’t see Aaron’s face. Tiny, frightened whimpers broke from his throat that Spencer couldn’t hear. He tore away from the kiss, shaking his head, trying desperately to stop the flashback from taking over his mind.

“Aaron.?” Spencer asked. Regret and disappointment filled his face.

Aaron couldn’t breathe. Silent sobs filled his chest, almost strangling him with their intensity. His throat burned and he pushed Spencer hard, but with the spell broken, Spencer moved instantly.

Aaron

 

“Aaron. I. Am. Sorry.. Are. You. Okay.?” Spencer touched his arm, and the rest of Aaron’s body caught up with his heaving chest. Tears spilled down his face, and everything started to shake. Sitting up quickly, Spencer propped himself against the headboard and took Aaron into his arms. He made quiet shushing sounds and rubbed Aaron’s head like a parent might comfort a child. Aaron wrapped his arms around Spencer’s waist and nuzzled his face against Spencer’s bare chest. It felt nice. That part felt so nice. He selfishly took Spencer’s comfort, knowing he could offer nothing in return.

“We. Do. Not. Have. To. Do. That.. I. Just…. I. Did. Not. Think..” Spencer squeezed him tightly for just a second, and in that embrace, Aaron felt his love and his remorse. It gave him the strength to sit up and look Spencer in the face.

“It’s not your fault,” Aaron told him, and began to relax as the memory faded.

 

“Do. You. Know. What. Triggered. It.? We. Have. Kissed. Before..”

Spencer continued to rub his back, and it comforted him as he thought about the question. They had kissed before. He didn’t think it had to do with the fact they were in bed, because he knew Spencer didn’t expect sex. It wasn’t Spencer’s naked skin—he liked the way that felt against his face. It could have been the intensity, or their position. Yes, that was a definite possibility. He didn’t like being trapped on the bottom. Of course, he’d also had that problem masturbating in the shower, so maybe it was sex in general.

Only one way to find out.

Aaron wiped his face on his borrowed sleeve and gulped down air as he tried to stop the shaking and the fear. His eyes held Spencer’s, and he leaned forward very slowly.

Spencer pushed backward against the headboard and tried to get out of his reach. “What. Are. You. Doing.?” he asked.

Aaron’s chest tightened at his hesitation. Spencer wanted to protect him, just like his mother wanted to protect him, but if he ever wanted to get any better, he needed to work through the pain, not hide from it.

“I think you being on top of me triggered it. Either that, or the intensity of the kissing. I want to test that theory,” Aaron told him,

surprised by how calm he sounded. His heart pounded in his ears. He had no clue if it was a good idea or not, but he knew he wanted to try again. Dealing with the flashbacks had become easier over the last few months since he’d been seeing Dr. Thomas. He would risk them if it meant having a few minutes of “normal” with Spencer.

“Okay.” Spencer stopped trying to climb the headboard and held perfectly still as Aaron came forward and let their lips touch again. The fear and panic rose in him again, but not as strongly. He kissed Spencer deeper, losing himself in the feel of Spencer’s mouth on his. Spencer hesitated at first, but then wrapped his arms very loosely around Aaron, and Aaron could have wept at his gentleness. Lying half on Spencer, Aaron’s groin pressed against his unyielding body. Very, very slowly, he moved his hips and felt his cock rub against Spencer’s, filling, hardening, and he felt dizzy with arousal. He couldn’t tell if his heart raced from excitement or fear, but they needed to stop before things got out of hand again.

He broke the kiss reluctantly and buried his grin in his boyfriend’s shoulder.
“DO YOUwant to talk about last night?” Dr. Thomas asked as he placed a

plate of scrambled eggs on the table. Aaron put the toast he’d just made next to it while Spencer set the table.
Did he?
He had already sent a text to his mother to let her know he’d made it through the night. She responded with a very curt
Okay
. God, she was probably furious with him, but the anger he’d felt the night before dissipated with the dawn.

“I thought you couldn’t treat me anymore?” Aaron went over to the refrigerator and checked the door for jelly, happy when he found both strawberry and grape. Positioning them near the toast with a small feeling of triumph at actually having helped, he turned to look at Dr. Thomas, who was making sure everything on the stove had been turned off before taking his place at the table. God, the whole kitchen smelled like bacon, which made his stomach rumble.

“That doesn’t mean I can’t listen,” he said, picked up his fork, and looked at Aaron expectantly. Aaron glanced at Spencer, who gave him a gentle, reassuring smile, so he tried to organize the jumbled mess from last night in his head. The legal thing his parents did made him angry, but he had to take a really hard look to figure out why. They’d been doing everything for him for the last two years, but something changed over the last few months. He wasn’t with his mother as much as he had been in the beginning. He could go to Spencer’s. He could go to lunch with him. He didn’t feel that panicky feeling every minute of every day like he used to. It wasn’t all due to Spencer, but Aaron liked being with him. He helped Aaron relax.

He made Aaron feel normal.

“I’m mad at my parents for what they did. I know they are trying do what they think is best for me, but they sat and listened to me that night and completely disregarded my decision to keep seeing you.” Aaron picked up a piece of toast and spread grape jelly over it in a thick layer. No butter. Just jelly. It had been like that for as long as he could remember. Maybe there were some things about him that hadn’t changed. Fundamentally, on some level, he was still Aaron—even if he didn’t feel like it sometimes.

“I can see where that would make you feel invalidated. Have you talked to your mother since the phone call last night?”

“I sent her a text this morning to let her know I was okay. Last night was the first night I’ve stayed away from my house since I was in the hospital.” The eggs were amazing. Light and fluffy with just the right amount of cheese, they melted in his mouth as Aaron ate. He noticed he always ate better at Spencer’s house. Either because they made all his favorite things, or just because he felt more comfortable, he wasn’t sure. Expectations were lower there, and the atmosphere more relaxed. That knot in his stomach about the institution seemed to loosen when he hung out with Spencer and even with his father.

“And how did that go?” Dr. Thomas asked, and while his voice remained casual, his eyes flickered to Spencer, who watched the conversation with interest.

“We didn’t have sex, if that’s what you’re asking,” Aaron said as his face heated. He took a serious interest in his eggs, and couldn’t even glance at Spencer, who sat next to him without comment.