A Song for Us (22 page)

“I’m sorry . . . about earlier. I do want to meet your family.”

“Yeah? I’m leaving day after tomorrow. I want you with me.”

“I will be.”

“I love you so much, Sarah.”

“I love you, too.”

He hung up the phone and I leaned against the wall as I thought about having to leave all of my friends. I knew I wouldn’t get to see them again for a long time, and it killed me.

ERIC

I
LAY IN MY
bed recounting the night. It made me ill to think of anyone ever hurting Sarah, and I knew in time Derek would break her heart again. She was already so fragile there was no telling what it would do to her. When I saw him below the stage, I knew things were only going to get worse for her.

The phone rang next to my bed and I ignored it, but whoever it was called back immediately. I reluctantly pulled myself from my thoughts and picked up the receiver.

“Hey,” Sarah said with a loud sigh.

“You okay?”

She laughed and I could picture her shaking her head. “I’m fine. You don’t always need to ask me that.”

“I just don’t want you to be upset.”

“I’m going to Texas, E,” she blurted out. I ran my hand over my jaw as I let that sink in once again.

“When?”

“Day after tomorrow. It’s for the best.”

“For who?” I couldn’t hide my anger.

“We’ve already been through this.”

“But things have changed.”

“Nothing’s changed, E. I shouldn’t have told him I wouldn’t go.”

“Is he there?”

“No. He probably won’t be for a while. I think he was partying.”

I hung up and made my way to her room. I was only wearing my jeans and I didn’t bother to put on a shirt. I needed to say a proper good-bye. Once Derek was back, I knew he wouldn’t let me have a moment alone with her and he was right not to.

I knocked on her door, running my hand over my hair as I waited for her to answer. She pulled the door open slowly, her sad eyes meeting mine.

“You can’t leave.”

“E,” she sighed, and shook her head slowly, her hair falling around her face.

I stepped around her, slamming the door behind me and then pacing the floor of her room. “He is no good for you, Sarah.”

She followed me toward the bed, sitting down on the edge as I continued to walk the length of the room.

“I can’t just sit back and watch him hurt you anymore.”

“This
hurts, E.”

I stopped and turned to look at her, saw the pain in her eyes. “Do you have any idea how much you mean to me?” I was trying to keep calm, but it was virtually impossible. She hung her head as her nails dug into her knees leaving tiny, red half-moon indents.

“You can’t do this. Don’t do to Donna what he’s done to me.”

I leaned down over Sarah, my hands on either side of her, pressing into the mattress. “I am
nothing
like him.”

“I know that.” Her voice was small. “I won’t be like him either. I’m taken, E. As long as he is faithful to me, I won’t go behind his back.”

“Faithful? You think just because I haven’t
fucked
you that you haven’t already cheated on Derek?”

Her hand cracked across my face and her nostrils flared in anger as she narrowed her eyes.

I stood up, running my hand over my cheek. “I shouldn’t have said that . . .”

She held up her hand to stop me from talking as she pushed from the bed. She walked around me and opened the door to the room, her head hung as she waited for me to leave.

“I will miss you . . . so much,” she said quietly.

I nodded, walking toward her, stopping just inches from her. She refused to look me in the eye. “I won’t try again, Sarah. If I walk out now, I’m done.”

A small sob ripped from her chest but she nodded slowly. It was physically painful to walk out of Sarah’s life, but I knew from the beginning this was the way it would end.

I made my way back to my room and picked up Sarah’s guitar,
which still sat propped against the wall. I began to strum the notes to our song. It was fitting that we never finished it together, just as we would never finish what had begun between us. Every word I sang to her I meant.

As I continued to play, I thought of all the ways my life had gone wrong. Every path I chose when I knew it would only hurt me, every person I tried to love when I knew I would never get it in return. I played for hours until my fingertips were numb and I knew what I needed to do.

There was a woman who wanted my company, who desperately craved someone to love her, and maybe I could be that man for her.

Donna was amazing. She was kind and funny and didn’t look at me as if I were a mistake. I could be whom she wanted and I knew it would never be thrown back in my face.

It didn’t take long for me to make my way to her room. She had been sleeping and pushed her hair back from her face. Even when woken in the middle of the night, she was absolutely stunning.

I had a hand braced on either side of the doorframe. She smiled when she saw me and I couldn’t help but smile back at her. I reached out, running my hand over the soft angles of her jaw. She stepped forward and pressed her lips against mine. I groaned as my hand slid back into her hair, and I ran my tongue over her lower lip. Her body pressed into mine and I moaned at the physical contact I craved. I needed to feel wanted just as much as she did, and we moved against each other with an incredible hunger.

I needed to move on and make myself forget, and Donna needed
the same from me. I saw it now. She wasn’t asking anything from me that I couldn’t give her. She just didn’t want to be alone. Together we could help heal old wounds and learn to move forward. I stepped forward and pushed the door closed behind me. I slipped her nightgown off her shoulders and reluctantly pulled my mouth from hers as I tugged it down over her breasts and it pooled at her feet. She was incredibly beautiful and I was a fool for not seeing it sooner. My hand slid roughly over her breast as I walked us toward her bed, not able to wait any longer to mask the ache in my chest.

SARAH

I
AWOKE TO DEREK’S
climbing into bed just after three in the morning. His hand slid over my breast roughly as he pushed his lips hard against mine. I shoved against his chest, but he pinned my shoulder down with his.

“Get off me!” I could smell the alcohol coming off him in waves and it was nauseating.

He reluctantly rolled off me. “Fuck,” he barked loudly as his fists came down against the bed. “What is wrong with you?”

I got up from the bed and went to the kitchen area, filling a small glass with water and drinking it down quickly as I struggled to slow my breathing.

“You caught me off guard.” I refilled my cup and drank more slowly this time.

“You were expecting someone else?” he said angrily.

I rolled my eyes. “No, Derek. I only have you.” It was painful even to say the words but it was the truth now. I had pushed away the one person who gave a damn about me for Derek, and now he was throwing it in my face. Now instead of feeling empty I felt heartbroken.

I set my cup in the sink and made my way to the desk, turning on the small table lamp so I could write. He immediately jumped from the bed to follow me.

“I have fucking needs, Sarah.” He stood over me from behind.

“I’m just not in the mood.”

“That’s the fucking point! You’re never in the mood anymore. Ever since we came here.”

“You know that’s not true, Derek.” I sighed as a tear fell to my paper, and I hunched over farther so he couldn’t see it.

“Yeah, well, it’s getting fucking old. Maybe I should find someone who actually wants me.”

“Maybe you should.” I rolled my eyes and tried to focus on the paper.

“Fine.” He stomped across the room and I jumped as the hotel-room door slammed hard. I scrambled to my feet and grabbed the tiny trash can in the kitchen as I heaved the contents of my stomach into it.

I slid down on the cool tile floor, my back against the counter as the room began to spin. I was losing control. I tried
to push out the fear and sadness, welcoming the familiar emptiness that had kept me together for all of these years. I needed to shut it all off, but the hurt hung thick in the air around me. It was all I could see, feel, and breathe. I was consumed by the pain and there was no escaping it.

I wrapped my arms around my knees, hugging myself as I rocked slowly and sang in my head, begging reality to shut off.

It felt like hours, days even, that I tried to calm myself, praying that Derek would come back and tell me it was all going to be okay. But I knew that wouldn’t happen. That wasn’t who he was. I knew exactly what he was doing.

I thought of my father’s old, rusty razor, caked in dried blood. I wanted the release, a place for the feelings to go. I wanted the tangible proof of the pain that was consuming me from the inside out. Maybe if Derek saw it, he wouldn’t be able to deny what he was doing to me. Maybe then he would stop and things could change.

I pulled myself up on shaky legs as I glanced around the room with blurred vision. Stumbling into the bedroom, I grabbed my iPod and hooked it into my portable speakers, finding my favorite escape easily. The sound of Lynyrd Skynyrd filled the room as I let the sobs rip from my chest.

I struggled against the overwhelming urge, squeezing my fists so tightly, my nails dig into the tender flesh of my palms. The small bite of pain was not enough of a release. I stalked off to the bathroom and pulled open the shower curtain. My razor
sat on the edge of the tub, begging me to use it. I was like a druggie needing a fix. The urge was overwhelming. It was no longer a matter of if but when.

I cupped my hand over my mouth as the hurt overwhelmed me. Only one thing could take that away, make me feel better.

I spun around and pulled open the door to my room and made my way to E.

ERIC

T
HE SUN WAS
about to come up as I returned to my room, but I couldn’t sleep.

When a knock came at the door, I laughed to myself as I made my way to pull it open, expecting to see Donna, though I had just left her room ten minutes before. My heart stopped as I locked eyes with Sarah. Her face was pink and damp from crying.

“What did he do?” I glanced down the hall but all was quiet, and I looked back to her in confusion as she wrung her hands together nervously.

“Nothing. Can I come in?” Her chest jumped as she struggled to calm her breathing. I nodded and took a step back as she slipped inside, and I closed the door behind her. I ran my hand through my hair as the smell of her shampoo assaulted my senses. She walked
over toward the bed, but had second thoughts about sitting on it.

I crossed the room and stood in front of her, forcing myself not to touch her. “Please, tell me why you’re crying.”

Her gaze fell to the floor between us and she wiped the back of her hand over her cheek and laughed nervously. “I’m a mess.”

“You’re beautiful.” I don’t know why I said it, but as her eyes met mine, I knew it was a mistake.

“Why can’t he talk to me like that?”

I blew out a hard breath as I struggled not to let this massive kick to my ego upset me. I knew she was hurting. She didn’t deserve what he put her through, even if she didn’t leave him. For whatever reason, she felt she needed to stay. I think at first it had a lot to do with not wanting to be alone, but now it seemed more like guilt, and that blame rested entirely on me.