A Song for Us (20 page)

I bought myself a drink and poured it down my throat, hoping to push back some of the sadness that was creeping over me.

I contemplated walking up to Sarah and taking her in my arms, and I would have if I knew that was what she wanted. If only I could get her alone again. I needed to tell her how I felt.

But instead I wandered off, walking along the tents that lined the back of the field and looking over all of the merchandise for sale. I didn’t want to mask my feelings with a smile. I wanted to be alone
with who I really was. Sarah was with someone else, Donna wanted more than I could ever give her. I could hear the train whistle blowing in the distance, and instead of stepping back to watch, I wanted to stand on the tracks. I didn’t want to be left standing if it meant standing alone.

“You don’t look so good,” Terry called from my left.

“Thanks.” I shook my head as my eyes danced over leather belts and buckles.

“You don’t ever make life easy, do ya?”

“It’s not in my nature.” I laughed sardonically and took another drink.

“I know you probably don’t care if this ends up hurting you in the end, but have you thought about what it will do to Sarah?”

My eyes met his. “Every fucking second.”

“And Donna?” He cocked an eyebrow.

“Donna is just looking for some company.”

“Oh? She could have found it in my brother. You know that fucker isn’t picky.”

“Still bitter about Lizzy?”

Terry shook his head and looked off at the leather goods ahead of us. “Nah . . . he did me a favor with that one. Stop changing the fucking subject.”

“What do you want me to say? Huh? The world is full of disappointment. Donna knew from day one that I was hung up on Sarah.”

“She wants you, dumbass. And you aren’t exactly sending her clear signals.”

“Spare me the fucking lecture. Sarah is with Derek. She is never going to leave him. Am I supposed to just never be with anyone?”

“You’re thinking with the wrong head, man.”

“Nah . . . I’m thinking with my heart. Even worse.”

Terry patted me on the shoulder as he sighed loudly. “Fuck, man. Promise me you’ll keep your cool.” His eyes met mine and I could already feel my blood begin to boil. “Derek is telling everyone he is taking her to Texas to meet his family.”

“What?” I didn’t mean to yell but I was completely blindsided. “No.” I shook my head. “She wouldn’t do that.”

“She didn’t deny it, man. She was right there.” I glared over at him and he ran his hand over his hair. “I’m gonna give you a minute to think over what you want to do about that. Just . . . if she seems happy, isn’t that what you want?”

I nodded but I was crushed. I knew she was feeling what I was, and deep down she knew what kind of person Derek was. I threw my can in the trash and ordered another drink. I preferred to forget this trip altogether. It would all be over in two weeks anyway. Maybe Terry was right and I just needed to fucking get over it and move on. Somehow.

SARAH

A
S THE SUN
began to sink, the bands got better. The only thing missing was E, who had disappeared about an hour ago. I tried to focus on the lyrics as the singer belted her heart out onstage, but I couldn’t get E out of my mind.

A friend could worry about a friend. That’s what I told myself as I scanned the crowd for him. Derek’s arms tightened around my waist as he danced behind me, but I just swayed my hips slightly, not feeling up to dancing.

The idea of leaving California after our vacation and heading straight to Texas freaked me out. Derek grew up with his grandmother and his older brother, who was off in Texas working as a lawyer. How much trouble could one little old lady be? But I still couldn’t settle my stomach at the thought of meeting
anyone’s family. I knew what kind of secrets can be hidden behind locked doors.

“You all right?” Cass asked, pulling me from my thoughts.

“Yeah.” I shrugged.

“I’m going to grab Tuck a drink. You want to come?”

“Sure,” I replied with a little too much enthusiasm. Derek released his hold on me and Cass and I wove our way through the crowd to the tents set up in the back.

“You doing okay? You looked a little out of it back there.”

“I’m nervous about meeting Derek’s family.” I shrugged.

“Yeah, I get that. Meeting Dorris was a real . . . fun experience.” Cass laughed.

“You’re not helping.” I laughed and a hand landed on my hip.

“Maybe I can help,” E whispered into my ear, and Cass grinned as my face flushed.

“I’m gonna grab the drinks.” Cass turned and made her way to the tent, leaving me alone with E. I turned around to face him.

He smiled as he ran the pad of his thumb over my cheek. “I went off for a drink and you moved on with your life.” He put his hand over his heart dramatically and swayed slightly.

“How many of those drinks have you had? You’ve been gone a long time.”

“Long enough for you to make plans to meet Derek’s family?” E cocked his head, and even though his tone was playful, I knew his mood was anything but.

“We’re friends, E.” It hurt to look him in the eye and lie about what I was feeling in my heart.

“Yeah?” He reached out and took my hand, his fingertips rubbing over my knuckles. “You don’t feel that?” He leaned in closer and his lips brushed against my earlobe. I shivered at the touch. “You don’t feel this, Sarah?”

I closed my eyes as I forced my body not to melt against his and shook my head. It was painful and he pulled back, nodding.

“I must have imagined it then. I apologize.” The muscles in his jaw jumped under the skin as his eyes searched mine for the truth, and of course he could see it. E could always see right through me like no one else.

“E . . .” I wanted to say so many things, but the words didn’t seem as if they would do the situation justice. I had fucked up beyond belief, and making it right would mean hurting the one person who seemed to get me, but E was a wild card. Derek had promised commitment and I needed that. I craved it.

“It’s fine, Sarah. I just want you to be happy. That’s all I ever wanted.”

“I know that.”

He pulled me in for a hug, and as much as I wanted to resist, my body wouldn’t let me. My hands slid over the tight muscles of his back as his hands trailed up and down my spine. He pressed his lips against my throat and I sighed.

His body stiffened momentarily. “You can’t make little
noises like that when I have you in my arms.” He groaned as he held me tighter. I tried to pull back but he wasn’t letting me budge.

“E, I’m sorry.”

“Shh . . . don’t say you’re sorry. Sorry means you regret it and I know you don’t.”

“I will
never
regret you, E. You are my best friend and there are no words for how much I care about you.”

“There’s a word for how I feel about
you
.” He pulled back to look me in the eye and my heart crumbled.

“I think we should probably head back.” This time when I pulled away, he let his hands fall to his sides. The look on his face destroyed me. I could feel my world spiraling but I had no choice but to hold on and hope for the best. Derek had changed, and for me to hurt him now the way he had hurt me in the past would be a horrible betrayal. I couldn’t help the way I was feeling, but I could stop myself from acting on those feelings.

“Are you ready?” Cass asked as her eyes darted between us.

I nodded as I sniffled, hating myself. Cass looked to E, who was still staring at me, his eyes burning through me.

“Yeah. We’re done.” He turned and walked into the crowd. Cass gave me a sympathetic look before we followed behind him.

I took a drink from her hand and took a big gulp, hoping it would settle my nerves. I knew the rest of the night was going to be excruciating.

ERIC

I
COULDN’T CLEAR MY
thoughts as I navigated us back to the rest of the band. I wanted to flip out and scream at Sarah for playing with my emotions, but I knew without a doubt she never meant to break my heart. I also knew that she was hurting every bit as much as I was. I could see the pain in her eyes. I just didn’t know if the pain was from wanting to be with me or from not wanting to hurt me.

Either way, the damage was done. Sarah had made her choice and I wouldn’t interfere with what she wanted.

I’d be a liar if I said I wasn’t pissed, but most of that was directed at myself and Derek. I tried to plaster on a smile as I made my way to Donna.

“Where have you been?” She cocked an eyebrow at me.

“I got lost, but I found my way back to you.”

“Aww . . . You’re drunk,” she joked as she wrapped her arms around my waist from the side. I draped and arm around her and kissed the top of her head.

“It improves my dance skills.”

“I think you dance just fine.” She glanced up at me and I shot her a wink. Although I wasn’t exactly sober the day we practically fucked on the dance floor, there was no denying that we had chemistry.

“I had a good partner.”

“Just good, huh?” She pressed her head against my chest, and even though I was dying inside, Donna always managed to make me laugh.

I was thankful that it was now dark and I wouldn’t have to see Derek with his hands all over Sarah.

“Do you ever think you will get past what your ex did? Move on and get married?”

She shook her head as she stared off at the stage. “You?”

“Nah. Not the marrying type.”

“I envy them.” She nodded toward Tucker and Cass, and we both watched them for a moment as I ran my hand up and down Donna’s back. What they had wasn’t in the cards for me. Every time I put myself out there, I got hurt and I couldn’t take much more.

“They make it not look so bad.” Donna laughed sadly and I kissed her hair.

“You will have that. You’re too good of a person not to.”

“And what about you? You think you’re a bad person?”

I glanced back up at the stage. A new band was getting ready to
perform, and the crowd was getting louder. I never answered her and she didn’t push me any further.

One band blended into the next, but anything was better than being locked up in that hotel room. I felt as if I were slowly losing my mind with every passing day.

“If you didn’t get this gig, where do you think you would be?” I asked.

“I’d probably be backstage at this concert begging bands to let me work for them,” she said with a laugh.

“This is your dream? You never wanted to do something else?”

She thought it over for a minute and shrugged. “I wanted to get married and have children.”

“So you’re just going to let one asshole kill your dreams?”

She glared up at me and back to the stage. “Dreams change, people change. I don’t think I would be that good of a mother.”

“Are you kidding? Look at how you take care of the band. You’re a natural.”

“I am kind of amazing.”

I laughed as I squeezed her against my side.

“What about you? You want kids?”

“I’m not really a good role model for children. I can’t even get my own shit together, I couldn’t put a kid through that.”

“You know, you’re not half as bad as you think you are.”

“Opinions may vary.” I glanced over my shoulder to Sarah.