A Song for Us (21 page)

SARAH

I
T HURT LIKE
hell to look E in the eye and tell him that it was never going to happen with us. He deserved so much better than I could ever give him. I was a broken mess, too damaged for anyone to take on.

It was better this way.

I was thankful Derek never questioned my crazy mood swings or pushed me to open up more about my past, although it made me feel alone even when I was by his side. At times I wanted to speak up and explain why I was feeling the way I was, but I didn’t know what I would do with myself if Derek didn’t want me anymore and I was left by myself. After we went to Texas, things would only get better for us.

I squeezed Derek’s hand as I watched his profile. He was
cheering for the band and I couldn’t help but smile at how excited he got over music. It had always been an escape for me.

“They’re good,” I shouted over the crowd.

Derek’s eyes met mine. “We’re better.” He smirked as he pulled my hand to his mouth and kissed it. I smiled up at him, and he turned to face me. He breathed deeply, as if about to say something important. “Okay, now, don’t get mad.”

My first reaction was to narrow my eyes and prepare for him to break my heart, but what he said next nearly knocked me off my feet.

“I bought tickets the other day. To Texas. We leave the day after tomorrow.”

I stood frozen. I was relieved that he was serious about us, but then the anger started to set in. “How did you know I was going to say yes?”

“Why wouldn’t you?” His eyes narrowed.

I felt like an asshole. “I mean, leaving early. You know how much I’ve missed Cass. This may be the last chance to spend time with her for months.”

He sighed as if he had expected me to say something else. “We need to focus on us now.” His hand slid over the side of my neck as he leaned in closer. “I love you, Sarah. I thought you loved me, too.”

“I do love you, but . . .”

“But nothing. Either you want to be with me or you can
fucking leave,” he snapped, and I pulled back from him, shocked by his sudden change in attitude. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that.” He ran his hands roughly through his long, dark hair.

“I’m not leaving.” I could feel the tears forming in my eyes.

“Good.” He stepped toward me again with a smirk on his face, but I took a step back to keep distance between us.

“No. I mean I am not leaving my friend early.” I crossed my arms over my chest.

“Fine.” His face was nearly touching mine and anger radiated off him. “Then
I
am leaving.” Derek took off through the crowd and I called after him, but he never stopped and my pleas were drowned out by the music.

I hung my head, not sure how everything went from cloud nine to a disaster so quickly. I wanted to chase after him and tell him I was sorry, but I couldn’t move.

“You okay?” Cass asked, placing her hand on my back. I didn’t turn to look at her. I didn’t want to ruin this time for everyone else. I nodded and tried my best to put a smile on my face. “It looked like you were fighting.”

“We’re fine.” I tried to sound cheery, but I knew my voice gave me away. “He just . . . wasn’t feeling well.”

“Did he leave without you?”

“Well . . . it’s not like I’m alone or anything.” I tried to play it off as if it were no big deal, but she wrapped her arms around
me and pulled me in for a hug, and I couldn’t stop a tear from falling on her shoulder.

“Come on.” She pulled me toward Tucker, and I realized that everyone was watching me and I froze, pulling out of her grasp.

“Actually, I think I need a drink.”

She looked at me, unsure, but nodded and let her hand fall. I wanted to run, run to Derek, run from him.

As I turned to walk away, I heard a girl scream Tucker’s name. Cass grabbed my arm to keep us from getting separated as the people around us began to chant his name over and over, growing louder and louder.
“Tuck-er! Tuck-er!”

“This could get really ugly if we don’t get out of this crowd,” she said wearily as E’s arm came around my waist. It didn’t matter what was going on, he always put me first.

“You guys wanna play?” Tuck’s eyes moved between us, and I glanced up at E.

“If Sarah plays.”

A knowing smile spread across Tuck’s lips, and he nodded once and turned to pull Cass from the crowd. E and I followed with the twins at our sides.

As we reached security at the side of the stage, they stopped us. “You have to have a pass to get back here,” the man said with his hand up in front of Tucker’s chest.

“Tuck?” a voice called from behind the man, and Danny
Demon, the lead singer of Crash and Burn, came over to embrace Tucker in a hug. I grew up listening to their music and it was surreal to see him standing before us in the flesh. If I wanted to, I could reach out and touch his green Mohawk . . . I had to hold back from doing so.

“You doing next year’s Music Awards? That was dope. Heard about the proposal. Congrats, man,” Danny said with a slight Irish accent.

“It’s been a minute, man. How you been?”

“Just livin’, man. Tiny, let them back. They’re my friends and the crowd is about to rip them apart.”

The security guard sighed and rolled his eyes but stepped out of the way for us to get behind the stage. Once we were out of the crowd I began to relax in E’s arm, but he did not let me go.

“Who’s up next?” Tuck asked as Danny walked ahead of us.

“We’re up in ten. You guys looking to perform?”

Tucker nodded, and Danny grinned from ear to ear. E dropped his hold on my waist and spoke directly into Tucker’s ear.

“Not exactly how you pictured your honeymoon, huh?” I gave Cass a half smile.

“It’s fine. Nothing really compares to seeing Tucker up on-stage, and as long as we’re not on that stupid tour bus, I can deal with it.”

Tucker’s arm went over Cass’s shoulders, and he pressed a kiss to her temple and then asked me, “You good with a duet for ‘Loved’?”

I nodded but my nerves were on edge. I had never performed without Derek, and he was nowhere to be found.

We stood by the stairs to the stage as Danny Demon introduced us, and the reaction of the crowd caught me off guard. It was hard to see outside the bubble we were in while touring and spending all of our time on buses. The crowd was deafening, and it was the first time I realized how big Damaged had grown. It was a high unlike anything else I had ever experienced.

As the opening notes to the song began to play, the crowd quieted and my nerves dissipated. The music pulsed through the speakers around us and I could feel it vibrating through my body. It became its own living creature and we were wrapped inside it. The stage was my home. It was where I felt safe and one of the only places I could always count on to let my walls down.

I closed my eyes as I sang along, wishing I never had to leave the stage.

In a crowded room, you’re all I see.

So thought consumed, baby let it be . . .

The past can haunt, but it cannot touch.

You’ve given your all and loved too much.

Take my hand, let me lead . . .

You’re loved too, baby, and you belong with me . . .

None of my problems mattered, none of my secrets were hidden. I could let everything out and people wouldn’t judge me. I had heard Tucker sing this song a thousand times, but never truly understood how much pain went into it until the words came from my own lips. It was about watching someone you loved being hurt by someone else and vowing to be there when everything crashed down for the person. I knew why it meant so much for Tuck, and now it meant something for me.

As the song came to an end, I smiled out at the never-ending sea of people before turning to follow the twins offstage, on cloud nine from my music therapy, but a hand grabbed my arm to stop me. I turned to look up at E, and my heart beat out of my chest and everyone faded to black around us.

“We have to sing our song,” he said with a grin. I halfheartedly pulled against his grip as I shook my head, unable to keep the smile from my face. In this moment, I knew two things. It was wrong for me to sing a song about my feelings for E when I knew Derek was out in that crowd somewhere, and there was no way I could say no as E looked at me expectantly. I nodded once and E pulled me into his arms for a quick hug. He grabbed a guitar from Danny and perched himself on the edge of a stool. I stood by his side with a mic in hand as my heart raced.

E began to strum the guitar as he looked up to me. His voice was low and haunting as he began to sing.

The flames lick at my fingertips as I’m drawn to the fire,

I want to run but I’m consumed by the overwhelming desire . . .

I joined him, singing the next several lines, his eyes never leaving mine. I wanted this song to last forever, and that is when I remembered we had never written the ending. But E looked calm and completely at ease as we sang through the chorus. He continued the song after what we had written together, and I could only stand there in front of thousands of people while he told me everything he was feeling.

My heart skips from your glance and I can’t look away,

You’ll break me but take me, there’s no other way,

Life on the road, babe, I’m a rolling stone
,

No matter where life takes us, you’ll always be my home.

We sang through the chorus one last time, and it took everything inside me to keep my voice from shaking. The crowd erupted in applause, but all I could hear was the thudding of my heart in my ears. E stood, guitar in hand, and pulled me into his arms. I felt safe and I knew he would always be home for me, too. I glanced out over the people below the stage, and my eyes locked on Derek’s. His expression was a mixture of anger and pain, and it physically hurt me to see that look. It was the same
look that had echoed on my face when he had cheated on me so long ago. I pulled back from E, not able to look to him and see the hurt in his eyes. This was what Cass had warned me about. This was what I had been trying to avoid. I could barely breathe around the lump that had formed in my throat as I ran off the stage, leaving E standing alone. I screamed Derek’s name while shoving through the fans to get to him so I could explain, but he was gone.

THE NIGHT WAS
slowly winding down and I hated that I would soon have to go back to the hotel and find out if I had been abandoned by Derek or if he would be waiting for me. I wasn’t sure which I preferred, and I felt horrible for even feeling that way.

I didn’t know what I would do if he was gone. Without the band I had no one. My mother was only a few hours away, but that was never an option. I hadn’t spoken to her in years.

I tried to keep a smile on my face, but I was cracking. I needed to see Derek so I could find out where we stood. I felt as if I were being taken to my execution as we made our way to the limo. The twins talked animatedly about all the women they had hit on at the concert, Cass and Tucker were whispering to each other, and Donna was debating bands with E. I was completely alone, surrounded by my friends. I stared off toward the heavily tinted windows, but it was nighttime and I couldn’t see anything besides an occasional streetlight. I ran my hand
over the black leather seat beside me, tracing the stitching with my fingertip. Derek should have been at my side.

“You okay?” E’s voice cut through my thoughts, and I glanced up at him. He was sitting low in his seat, his hands behind his head, eyes locked on me. Donna was busy playing with her phone and didn’t seem to care that he was watching me. I knew my running off the stage had hurt him, but I wasn’t ready to deal with that now. I couldn’t handle much more of any of this.

“I’m fine.” I smiled, mask in place. I looked back toward the window knowing damn well E could see through my lies. Maybe I should have told Derek I would leave for Texas early with him. What was stopping me? He was finally making the commitment and I was telling him to wait.

We pulled up outside the hotel and I was becoming increasingly nervous. I had no idea what I would do if he wasn’t inside.

No one spoke as we rode the elevator to our floor. Everyone parted ways as we hit the third floor, but I lingered behind, not wanting anyone to see if Derek had left. I watched as everyone paired off, except for E and Donna. He walked her to her door and told her good-night before walking past me to his room. He paused outside his door, staring at me. I slid in my card and pushed the door open and walked inside.

It was empty and I wanted to scream, but I saw Derek’s bag still on the floor. He hadn’t left the state, but he sure as
hell hadn’t come back here. I pulled out my phone and dialed his number. It rang and rang until his voice mail picked up. I hung up and tossed my phone on the bed. I jumped at the sound of a soft knock on the open door behind me and spun around.

“You still okay?” E asked, his head cocked to the side.

“Yeah.” I smiled, trying to hide my sadness. “He didn’t leave. His bags are here.”

“But he’s not?”

“No.” I looked over at his bag on the floor.

“Yeah, I didn’t think he would be.”

“He’s not that guy anymore.” I hated defending him, especially to E.

My phone rang and I jumped again, grabbing it off the bed. “It’s Derek.”

E just nodded and pulled the door to my room closed as I answered. I was relieved he had left me alone because I had no idea how Derek was going to act. I squeezed my eyes shut.

“Hey.” I tried to sound cheery.

“You alone?” Derek’s words were slurred and it sounded as if he was in a bar or a club.

“Of course. I just got back. I’m glad you didn’t leave.”

“Why would I leave? I paid for the room.” His voice was cold and it felt as if I had been punched in the stomach, but I deserved it.