A Seal Upon Your Heart (49 page)

“Are you okay?”

She nodded. “That’s why I went to Bartholoma. It helped and I feel better.”

“Sweetheart, if you’re worried about being pregnant-”

“I’m not!” She said quickly. “I’m not pregnant.”

“Okay…” he sighed in relief. “Then what’s wrong? You didn’t…did you want to be pregnant?”

“No!” She said adamantly. “But it’s obvious that you didn’t want it either.” She came to her feet quickly and he did reach out to take her hand. She yanked away from him.

He frowned annoyed mostly because he was still stressed from earlier but also because she was acting crazy. “Look, I talked to Dhakiya.”

She spun around and looked at him. “What?!”

“Yes. I called her to find out where you were and she told me…well she told me about how you felt.”

“No! What did she say?”

He took in a deep breath. “That you thought that I didn’t want to get married or have children. Why in the world would you think that?”

Martier covered her face. She was beyond angry at Dhakiya. She had no right! She would deal with her later. She looked at Tim. Well this had to be done so better now than never.

“I overheard you talking to Aaron right after Claudette quit. You told him that you had already been married and didn’t feel the need to do it again. You also said that you were too old for children.” She crossed her arms in front of herself.

“I did say that…” he spoke slowly. “But it didn’t mean that I was against the idea. And if we had a baby I would love him or her totally. Martier I know that our lives are linked. You told me that you said my name into the universe. I know what that means. Remember I said the same thing? I love you—Martier will you look at me?”

She looked at him, gnawing on her lower lip and wringing her fingers.

“I love you beyond all others. I love you with pride. I love you before God. I do set you as a seal upon my heart. Martier, do you hear what I’m saying? I want to be married to you.”

She closed her eyes. “Do you want that because it’s what you think I want?”

His lip twisted mirthlessly. “Do I appear to be the type of person that does anything I don’t want to do?”

She looked at him with awe. “No…”

“So will you marry me?”

She rubbed her elbows and then closed her eyes. “I think that I would like that very much. But…before I can say yes I have to find something that I’ve lost.”

Tim frowned and shook his head. “Martier, what are you talking about?”

“I threw something away that turned out to be very important. I threw away my faith. And now that its coming back I need to make sure that I allow my faith to guide me first.”

“Your faith?” He was perplexed at the meaning of that.

“What I’m saying…is that I might have the calling.”

He was rendered totally speechless.

“So you see, I can’t go to Hawaii with you. I’m sorry Tim. But I need to decide if I want to become a nun.”

Chapter 41

“Mr. Singleton, you have Mrs. Conrad on line one.”

“Put her through.” He muttered. An hour later he stepped out of his office. Linda looked up from her typing. “Did you want me to forward your calls to you cell phone, Mr. Singleton?”

He looked up distractedly. “Yes, I’m going home. Feel free to take off early.”

“Oh, well I need to stay to finish some filing.”

“Fine.” He walked away.

“Good night!” The young African girl called out.

“’Night.” He muttered.

He climbed into his car and dialed the familiar phone number.

“Dhakiya?”

“Hi Tim.”

“Hi. Have you heard from her?”

“No. She won’t call me. She hates me.”

“She will get over it. If she’s finding her faith—it’s not going to allow her to hold a grudge.”

Dhakiya sighed. “I’m sorry that I was a shit to you.”

“I’m sorry, too.” The two said their goodbyes and Tim drove home. He loosened his tie and then removed his jacket and tossed it on the back of a kitchen chair. He ignored the half filled boxes and went to the refrigerator for a beer. He drank nearly half of it as he stood there and then finally scanned the kitchen.

It was almost completely packed up. It was hard to completely get rid of the boxes in the kitchen since he was still living here while the house was being prepped for sale. Though he did have to question why he needed an assortment of cookware when he didn’t cook these days. Yeah, Saturday he would move the boxes to storage.

He went into his home office ignoring the sparse décor. He thought it would make him feel bad to see the house half empty but it didn’t. He just wanted to get it sold. He picked up the phone and dialed the phone number to St Bartholoma.

“Hello, may I speak to Sis-”

“Hello Mr. Singleton. I’ll put you through.” He leaned back in his chair. A few moments later he heard someone pick up the line.

“Hello, Sister Louise here.”

“Hello sister.”

“Hello Mr. Singleton. You know I can’t tell you where she is.”

“I know. I’m not going to ask you that. I just want to make sure she’s okay. Have you talked to her?”

“I’ve talked to her two days ago and she was okay.”

“Can you give her a message?”

“No…that wouldn’t be wise,” There was silence. “And how is Linda?”

“I said I would take care of her didn’t I?” he snapped.
When did I become Holden Caulfield?
And how exactly had he managed to be dealing with so many African women? Well the first time had been Corinne’s influence, but this last time it was because of Martier. Before she had left a week ago she had asked him for one thing. She wouldn’t take the car or the truck, she wouldn’t take money or anything from the house but she asked him to look out for Linda and to allow her to be his assistant.

He had readily agreed. He would have agreed to anything then.

“I know that you’re in distress, Mr. Singleton. May I offer you some advice?”

He ran his fingers through his hair. After a moment his shoulders sank and he closed his eyes. “I’m sorry Sister. I didn’t mean to…of course. What is your advice?”

“Martier is on sabbatical but you can certainly use this time to reflect, as well.”

“On God, sister?” He asked dryly.

“On yourself.”

He resisted an urge to make a snarky response. “How do I do that? How…how do I reflect on myself?”

“Martier told me that you were a good man. I know that you are. I wouldn’t…well I wouldn’t trust you with Lindewe if I didn’t believe that wholeheartedly. You might start by making a mental list. List all of your good qualities, Mr. Singleton—even if you try to avoid running over the squirrels in the road.” He smiled slightly. “And then make a list of your bad qualities. Be honest with yourself—no one will see the list but you. And then, Mr. Singleton, you fix those things.”

“Simple.”

“The answer is simple—it’s carrying it out that’s hard.”

He thought about that. “Thank you, Sister.”

“I’ll talk to you in a few days.”

“Yes.” They disconnected and Tim sat back in his chair and contemplated Sister Louise’s words.

~***~

There was a knock at the door and Martier checked the peephole and then quickly opened it. Father Matthias walked in. It was strange to call him Father when he was younger than her but he was still 23 and she was now 24. She tried not to think about her birthday spent alone and how Tim was doing.

“Are you ready to go?”

“I’m as ready as I’ll ever be.”

He gestured to her bag. “Is that yours? I’ll grab it.”

She scanned the small hotel room once more before closing the door after them. Then she followed Matthias to the van with the other religious workers. They greeted her happily. There were seven of them; two men and she made the fifth woman. She had joined them in mid-travel at the suggestion of Sister Louise. It was after she had read the file on her father.

Martier settled into her seat and looked out the window, remembering her discussion with Sister Louise just last week. So much had happened in a week; she’d left Tim, a job that she loved, her beautiful home—had she made a mistake? Whenever the panic set in at her actions she would feel a gentle nudge in her soul. There were too many unanswered questions and she needed to find the answers. There was no mistake in that. She just hated that her journey was causing Tim pain.

~***~

After telling Tim that she might want to be a nun he had just stared at her in stunned silence.

“Martier, if you think that this is the answer to absolve you of any…sins, then-”

She shook her head. “I can pray for absolution. Tim this is bigger than that. It’s like…pieces of a puzzle are forming and I haven’t allowed them to fit into place.” She knew that she talked in riddles but how did she express this feeling to him.

He sat on the couch, his mouth agape. “You’re going to leave me for
God
?” It wasn’t really a question directed at her but an incredulous realization.

She sat down next to him and took his hand. “You’re going to have to give me time to grow as a woman and as a Christian.”

She remembered the way that he had looked at her, his eyes scanning hers before he released her hand and walked to the door. He nodded and left. It broke her heart because she knew what he thought in that instant when he walked out the door; that he had corrupted her. But that wasn’t true. His was but one experience that that she had sought. And all of the collected experiences formed influences, which she had allowed to guide her actions. There was no blame in that observation—only the acceptance that she needed to know where she should go from here.

Martier sat on her couch, contemplating that for a while. Some things were hard and she didn’t want to face them; like untwining herself from Tim who was so ingrained in her that everything she did was in some way wrapped around him. But there was also Rwanda and the memory of death. Only one thing was still a mystery and that was of her father’s role.

She moved slowly to the folder that she kept on a shelf in the closet. She took it back to the couch and sat down before opening it. The file wasn’t very big; she leafed through the pages until she got to one containing a small snapshot of her father. She gasped and covered her mouth. Her eyes filled with tears and she began to shake.

“Papa…” He was so young. She didn’t remember him looking like this; young and vulnerable. Suddenly she needed to know what was written in these pages. She flipped to the first sheet of paper and read.

Martin made written testimony that on April 6, 1994, a government minister along with armed soldiers entered his office where he was employed with the department of Agriculture. He knew them to be Interahamwe; the Hutu militia and was told that he was to be in charge of 25 men and boys that would carry out the execution of several members of his community who where known to be Tutsi or Hutu moderates. He stated that he informed his superior that he did not want to be a Militia leader but was told that any Hutu who did not willingly engage in the ‘extermination’ would be considered a moderate and subject to the same treatment.