A Love Like This (34 page)

I couldn’t believe my eyes. All I could
think about as Jane continued to stare at me was that I had to get
her out of here before Julia saw her. My heart felt like a tennis
ball ricocheting uncontrollably around inside my chest. My jaw
clenched and I held up a hand behind Julia’s back, silently
communicating to Jane that she shouldn’t approach us. Even if I
snubbed Jane in front of Julia, her wall would slam down between us
and would ruin the rest of the night.
Goddamn it to
hell!

I tried to keep the panic out of my voice.
“Baby, why don’t you go finish up what you need to do so we can go?
I have a surprise.”

“Really?” Julia’s face lit up. “But, what
about our kiss at midnight?”

I nodded and kissed her once on the lips.
“I’ll meet you back here at midnight, okay?”

Her fingers wrapped around the sleeve of my
tux. “I don’t want to leave you. I’ve spent most of the night doing
that.”

“It’s okay. It’s only for a few minutes. We
have all night.” I tried to reassure her, but I needed her to leave
me alone so I could deal with Jane. Panic welled up in my chest.
Jane was out of line.

“Okay. Love you.” Her eyes were big and
round and full of love. I touched her chin.

“Love you. Go on.”

After Julia left, I turned abruptly and
rushed to where Jane was waiting. “What are you doing here?”

She huffed but her eyes looked hurt. She
swallowed hard. “Thanks a lot. It’s a free country.”

I sighed, running a hand through my hair. I
was agitated. “Look, I didn’t mean it that way. It’s just… I didn’t
expect you to be here.”

“I haven’t been here long. I was in the city
with some friends and Caleb told me you’d be here. I wanted to wish
you Happy New Year. That’s all.” She was dressed in some sort of
pale blue dress, but I barely noticed.

I flushed guiltily, glancing over my
shoulder to see if Julia was anywhere near us. I couldn’t see her,
so I relaxed a little. “Okay, Happy New Year.” My voice was
stilted, but I’d be damned if I could do anything about it.

“Where’s Julia? I should say hello.”

No!
I wanted to shout at her. “She’s
busy working. We should let her be.”

“She was just here.”

“Yes, but she has to wrap things up.”

Jane was fidgeting in front of me; unable to
meet my eyes and staring off over my left shoulder. “Okay, well… I
guess I’ll see you at the hospital.” I could see the hurt in her
eyes, but I couldn’t bring myself to comfort her. I needed her to
leave. Now. She stood on her tiptoes and slid her arms up mine
until they rested behind my neck.

It was uncomfortable, but I leaned in to hug
her briefly, compassion for her loneliness wheedling its way to
chip away at my anger.

“Happy New Year,” I said gently and pulled
back. Her arms tightened when she leaned up to place a kiss on my
mouth, and my hands fell to her waist in shock. I was motionless;
stone-still in disbelief that she’d just done that. I gently pulled
her arms away from me, letting them drop to her side.

I had to make these words count without
hurting her too badly. “Jane, this has to stop. Julia means
everything to me. If I’ve done anything to give you the wrong
impression, I’m sorry, but nothing will ever happen between us.” I
tried to keep my voice gentle but firm. “I like working with you
and you’re my friend.”

Something in Jane’s expression hardened but
her voice was meek. “I know Ryan. Like I said, I just wanted to
wish you well tonight. Bye.”

I felt like a heel, but there was no way in
hell I would let anything cause more of a chasm between Julia and
I. After the past few days, I was done letting my guilt about Jane
threaten my marriage. I watched her walk a few feet then returned
to meet Julia as planned.

I raced to the bathroom to calm down, weaving
and pushing past elegantly clad women and dozens of men in tuxedos.
My heart felt ready to implode because of what I’d just seen.
Why was Jane here and why was she draped all over my husband?
Why had Ryan allowed it
? I leaned on the ceramic vanity in the
posh bathroom. The toilets were separate from the washroom, and my
eyes locked onto my image in the mirror. My face was so red, when
combined with the brilliant emerald green dress I looked like a
poster-child for Christmas. My head throbbed with each beat of my
heart and I was sure I’d have to scream in frustration or I’d
literally burst.

I turned on the cold water and used my hand
to scoop some up on the back of my neck. I tried to calm my
breathing, but my whole body was shaking. I wasn’t sure if I was
just mad as hell or if I was falling apart.

The door opened, and a brush of light blue
fabric passed through my periphery but then I closed my eyes,
concentrating on getting my breathing under control so I didn’t
hyperventilate. A sob tried to well in my chest and I pushed it
down, willing the tears away. I would not let that bitch make me
fall apart and look like a fool in front of all my coworkers and
guests. Not in a million years. I inhaled again.

“Why don’t you just let him go, Julia?”
Jane’s voice bit into my thoughts and my eyes shot open. If looks
could kill, she would’ve been gutted. My eyes met hers in the
mirror when I straightened. I wanted to tell her to go fuck
herself, but I wouldn’t give her the satisfaction. I reached
forward and took a tissue, my back as ridged as my resolve. The
person who speaks first, loses.
I wasn’t going to fucking lose
to this…
For the first time in my life, my mind wanted to use
the ‘c’ word.

“He belongs with me. We share the same work,
he can talk to me about medicine and I get it. Ryan is brilliant
and he deserves someone who does more than make cheesecake and
arrange parties.”

I glared at her in the mirror, wiping my
hands on one of the plush towels provided before tossing it in the
hamper to one side. I tried to walk around her, but she moved to
block my passage, her eye full of hate.

“Does the truth make you speechless? I saved
his life. He saved mine. That’s a bond you can know nothing about,
Julia. His blood flowed into me and mixed with mine. He reached
inside my body and held my life in his hands. He belongs with
me.”

My heart pounded in my ears and throat. I
could barely breathe. My mind insisted that she was a lying bitch,
but I’d seen Ryan’s arms around her and the kiss they shared, the
soft expression on his face. I whirled on her and slapped her as
hard as I could across the face, snapping her neck back. I hoped it
hurt like hell!

“RYAN IS MINE!” I screamed at her. “He’ll
always be mine!”

I ran from the room as if hell were on my
heels, gasping for air and feeling faint. I pressed a hand to my
head. I could scream that Ryan was mine all night, but my heart was
cracked open and bleeding like it had never been. I wasn’t able to
breathe as my eyes searched for Andrea through the crowd. I had to
be pale; the glances that were cast in my direction were concerned.
I was stopped twice, first by the mayor’s wife and then by one of
our assistants, to ask me if I was all right. My throat was tight
with the effort not to fall apart, and all I could do was nod and
keep moving.

I never thought Ryan would allow another
woman to kiss him. Not that kind of kiss and not at my work
function. Especially when he knew Jane wanted to take him away from
me, and after everything that we’d fought about. I intentionally
avoided the area of the room where I knew Ryan would be waiting and
then scoffed at myself. Maybe he wouldn’t be waiting at all.

I told Andrea I had to go and ripped the
bracelet off my arm with trembling fingers.
R & J. How
fucking ironic.

“Julia, what?” She shook her head in
protest. “You want me to what?”

Mike Turner burst into the room. “What’s
wrong?” He was genuinely concerned.

“Just please, take it to Ryan.” We were in
the coatroom, and I struggled to throw mine on. I was finally
beginning to lose my carefully constructed façade. My eyes pleaded
with her, and the first tears fell. “Please.” I begged. “I can’t
face him right now.”

“Julia… he’s your husband.”

“I have to leave before I completely lose
it, Andrea. I’m sorry.”

“I’ll take you home. Come on,” Mike said
gently, his fingers closing around my elbow. “Its okay, come on.
Let Ryan know,” he instructed Andrea.

“No! I need time alone.”

Mike and Andrea talked softly together but I
didn’t hear a word they said. I ran out of the venue crying, Mike
chasing behind me with my coat. It was storming, mostly icy rain
mixed with sleet. In the end, I didn’t have the strength to protest
when Mike threw his jacket over my shoulders and ushered me into a
cab. I no longer cared if Ryan would be pissed at my choice of
escort. I prayed Mike would get me home before I turned into a
sobbing mess.

*****

My heart was aching and my face was covered
in a deluge of silent tears. I’d left Mike dumbfounded in the lobby
without so much as a thank you and now slammed my apartment door
behind me. It didn’t matter what Jane said to me, I had to believe
what I’d seen myself; the image of Jane clinging to Ryan still
burned behind my eyes. I felt sick to my stomach. Could it have
really happened? I knew that tender look on his face. I’d seen it
directed at me more times than I could count. His eyes were so soft
and gentle as he looked at her, and jealousy turned my soul to
ashes. I gasped and clawed at my chest as my lungs constricted. I
was suffocating. My heartbeat thundered in my ears until I finally
let go of the torrent of tears that had been threatening for the
past thirty minute trip from Midtown Manhattan.

I stopped in the middle of our living room,
turning around in circles, clenching and unclenching my fists in
desperation, unsure of what to do with myself. I was transported
back to the many nights in college when I’d been alone while Ryan
was out with some faceless woman. All the torment I felt then was
magnified a hundred times, because this time, it wasn’t in my
imagination; I’d seen it with my own eyes. Finally, a broken sob
erupted from my chest as my shaking legs refused to hold me up. I
slowly sank to the floor.

I wrapped my right hand around my now empty
left wrist. Herculean sobs racked through me, and I fell to the
carpet in front of the sofa. This couldn’t be happening. He said
they were only friends, but I knew too well what friendship with
Ryan meant.

“Oh, God! Wha… what am I… g… onna do?” I
cried brokenly into the darkness, uncaring of whether the water or
makeup would seep into the rug or if the beautiful designer dress
was now completely ruined from the storm raging outside. I felt
embarrassed by Jane’s confrontation. I’d been so sure of Ryan and
of us. I wanted to rewind the world two months; to scream, to pull
my hair out…
to die
.

I curled into myself, praying for the pain
to end. I couldn’t die, but I could scream, and I did—as loud and
long as I could. The sound split the air, high-pitched, screeching
and shrill; shattering the air like an angry siren. My hands
wrapped in my wet hair and pulled until my scalp burned. Some of
Elyse’s pins landed with a barely perceptible thud next to me. The
pain in my heart was unfathomable—unimaginable—even worse than when
I’d remembered losing our baby. At least then, I’d had Ryan to hold
onto. I needed him. Even though he was the source of the horrible
pain, he was also the only one who could take it away. “Please…” I
wasn’t sure if I was begging or praying, but all I wanted was to
feel nothing. “If this is real, I don’t want to love him
anymore…”

“Julia!” The voice on the other side of the
door was frantic. The key rattled in the lock, and the door flew
open with a bang against the opposite wall. I scrambled in the
opposite direction as quickly as I could, panicked at the potential
confrontation with Ryan. My pulse raced as I tried to run down the
hall and put a locked door between us.

“Julia!” Ryan bellowed behind me in the
hall, his voice frantic. “For God’s sake! Are you all right? Is
Turner in there with you?”

“Shut up, Ryan!” Fuck him for asking that
after what I’d just witnessed! I tried to slam the door behind me,
but he stopped it with a muscled forearm. “Just leave me alone!”
Ryan grunted in pain as the wood slammed into his flesh, and I
pushed on the door with all I had. He used his weight to force his
way into the room, and I stumbled back, helpless to stop him
despite using all my effort to close the door.

“What in the hell?” he railed. His hair and
clothes were wet like mine, the tuxedo jacket and bow tie were
missing, and two buttons undone; the fine white linen was plastered
to his body and ruined.

“Why the fuck did you leave?” His eyes
showed a mixture of anger, pain, and confusion. “And, would you
mind explaining this?” His arm bent at the elbow, he held the
bracelet in his clenched fist.