A Love Like This (36 page)

Ryan’s breathing and low moans told me he
was getting close, and he slowed and then stilled inside me. I
could feel him fighting for control.

“Baby, don’t stop,” I whispered.

“If I don’t, I’ll come.”

I didn’t speak, but squeezed around him and
arched my hips, pulling and then pushing on his body with mine,
determined to do the work he refused to do and take him over the
edge.

“Jesus,” Ryan gasped, and then his body
arched as he succumbed, thrusting into me again deeply and spilling
hotly inside my body. I kissed his shoulder several times—my lips
moving softly over his flesh; my legs and arms holding him tightly
to me as he rode it out and groaned my name into my neck.

When it was over, Ryan pulled back and held
my gaze, his breathing heavy as he pushed the hair away from my
face, but he didn’t say anything. His face looked pained, and it
hurt me in ways I couldn’t articulate. Neither one of us spoke.
When he finally pulled out of me and moved to my side, he gathered
me back against him. We both lay on our sides, his breath softly
brushing my skin. My hand lay on the pillow beside my head and his
slid up to thread tightly through mine. Ryan used the leverage to
pull me back tighter, and I brought the top of his hand to my mouth
at the same time as his lips tenderly brushed a trail across my
shoulder. I trembled despite being held in the iron vice of his
arms, and our hands were still locked together. His fingers
tightened in silent command that I understood, without words, all
he needed to say.

We owned each other, yes, but we loved more
than anything. A love like this was once in ten thousand lifetimes,
and despite Jane and the pain she’d caused, I was sure of two
things: Ryan meant everything; he was my beginning and my end.

*****

I woke as the sun cast a rosy glow over the
room. I was sprawled on my stomach across Ryan’s naked body, his
warmth seeping into me everywhere our skin touched. His knuckles
traced lightly over my shoulder blade, just above the sheet and
comforter that rested just across us both. The feather-light
stroking sent tingles of contented peace through me. I could hear
his heartbeat beneath my ear, his skin smooth under my cheek. I
didn’t want to wake up. I wanted more of his arms and to pretend
everything since Christmas Eve hadn’t happened; except that amazing
poem. I’d keep that. I tightened my arms around him. Last night was
the worst fight we’d ever had, but my heart was still so full of
him; like I could eat him alive and still not be close enough.

“Baby, you awake?”

I closed my eyes tighter in protest, but I
gave a barely perceptible nod. “I’m sorry about last night. Sorry I
ruined the plans, whatever they were.” I prepared myself for
feeling like utter crap the minute he told me.

“We had a Jacuzzi suite at the Waldorf.
Roses, champagne and strawberries.”

My heart fell. “I’m sorry,” I murmured
sadly.

“It’s just money, Julia. But, we do need to
talk about why you left the gala without me.” He rolled over on top
of me and caged me in with his arms, his body pressing me down into
the mattress. He could trap me all day long if he wanted, but I
sure as hell didn’t want to talk about
her
.

“I don’t want to talk right now.” I blinked
several times as my chest tightened. “Please, Ryan. Not right now.”
I tried to nuzzle into his neck and reached up to kiss him, but my
lips could only graze his jaw. “Can’t you just hold me?”

Our angry and desperate lovemaking last
night had at least convinced me he loved me, and he was at my mercy
in that regard at least; as much as I was to him. Couldn’t we just
be together without rehashing it all? I wasn’t ready to ruin the
reprieve. “You promised we wouldn’t talk about her in bed.”

“We always talk about everything. What does
it matter where?” He softened and kissed the side of my cheek,
sliding his lips warmly up to my temple. His hips probed mine. I
didn’t even think he meant to, but our bodies had a mind of their
own. Too bad my heart was bleeding, once again. I closed my eyes,
willing my face not to crumple and my voice not to break, but only
partially succeeding.

“But… we don’t anymore.” I missed him so
much. I missed the hours we used to lay in each other’s arms,
gently touching and telling each other everything, the Sundays over
coffee, shopping for nothing at all, and the piggyback walks we
used to take back in Boston. I missed just having him in the next
room, even if he was studying or I was working, and when he sat on
a kitchen stool and watched me cook. I felt lost when I thought
about it too much. I didn’t want to think. I just wanted to soak
him up and believe that we’d be okay.

His mouth pulled gently from my lips, and
his eyes bore into mine; daring me to say the words as if they were
untrue, as if I’d imagined it all. “We…” he stopped, obviously
trying to articulate it in a way that would convince me. “I realize
we don’t have as much time together as we had in Boston. But we
knew this was going to be tough. I’m with you as much as I can be
right now.”

When he put it that way it sounded
completely logical, and to any other couple, maybe it was
acceptable, but not for Ryan and me. We revolved around each other.
Like planets or solar systems or something equally epic, but when
the center of the universe explodes, everything vaporizes like it
never existed. I felt stupid and ashamed to even have those
thoughts, but jealousy is a selfish bitch that makes you do, say,
and think things you never thought yourself capable of. It makes
you hurt people you never wanted to hurt.

“I can’t do this anymore. I can’t ignore how
much she hurts me… But, I don’t want to fight anymore.”

Ryan’s hands moved up to cup my face as his
hips pressed into mine again, as if he had a point to make. My
heart squeezed as my arms slid around him of their own accord, and
I rested my forehead on the solid muscle of his shoulder, wanting
to hide and forget the last few months.

“If you trusted me, you wouldn’t be
hurting,” Ryan growled. I looked up to find his eyes flashing
angrily in accusation; as if I were the one who’d done something
wrong or maybe I was delusional and made up the entire thing in my
head. Maybe he could make it into nothing, but I couldn’t. My brow
creased, and I pushed at his chest. Suddenly, I wanted him off of
me.

“It has nothing to do with trust, Ryan.”

“The hell it doesn’t!” His eyes hardened. I
pushed until he finally moved, but the fact that I wanted to break
our contact clearly pissed him off more. I sat up on the side of
the bed, pulling the sheet around my naked form.

“I trust you, but I don’t trust her.”

“Who cares about her? Where is Julia? I
don’t even know you right now.”

“How dare you say that to me when you’re the
one who’s changed? You’re the one who
cares about her
!
You’re letting someone else pull you away from me!” I stood,
dragging the sheet with me into the bathroom, but he followed
closely on my heels, uncaring that he was naked. I began loudly
opening and closing drawers, digging in each one, trying to make it
look like I was searching for something when what I was really
doing was trying not to show how much it hurt. I wanted to scream
at the injustice of it all, to ask him why he couldn’t see what she
was doing to us? But what would it accomplish besides reducing me
to a hot mess?

“Like hell! That’s bullshit and you know
it!” he railed, something thick and disgusted lacing his voice.

My back stiffened and my chin jutted out in
defiance. “That’s not how it feels.” My words were soft and
matter-of-fact. And, since Ryan seemed intent on digging this shit
up and ruining what little we’d salvaged of last night, I let out
words I knew would cut him to the bone. “I feel abandoned and
alone. Even when you’re fucking me, I’m alone.”

“What did you just say?” Ryan visibly
recoiled as if I’d slapped him, his jaw hardening and the muscle
starting to twitch relentlessly as his eyes sliced me in half. He
huffed and shook his head, then turned abruptly and left the
bathroom. I followed as if in a trance, as if I couldn’t stop
myself. When he began to rapidly, but methodically, throw on his
clothes, I sank to the bed again, my legs unable to hold me up. He
finally paused to glare down at me, more livid than last night
after he’d chased me through a storm. His eyes got dangerously
dark, and his breath rushed out like someone stomped on his chest.
Maybe that’s what I did, but it hurt me to say it as much as it
hurt him to hear.

“Is that what I’ve been doing?
Fucking
you
?” The words ripped through his clenched teeth, and his
voice cracked. I could see his throat constrict. “Is that how you
feel when I touch you? When have I
ever
fucked you? Do you
think my feelings have changed?”

I wanted to reach out to him and beg him not
to go to work, to hold on for dear life and pretend nothing between
us had changed. But, I couldn’t. Even if he wrapped me in his arms
and made me forget about Jane, I knew she’d still be intruding on
our lives when my eyes opened. I’d suffer more for the momentary
lapse into our love because still nothing would have changed. No
matter how close we’d been last night, here she was, as if she were
standing in the room between us. If I gave in to my heart and tried
to take away the pain in his eyes, it would only be replaced by my
own… and it would be like ripping open a half-healed wound.

Each time we fought about Jane, a teeny
shard of her was left to fester and increase the chasm. Even when
we made up, made love, professed how much we meant to each other,
still… she’d always be there digging at me like slow poison. I
didn’t know how to stop feeling this way, and I didn’t know how to
stop it, but if one of us didn’t do something, it would become an
infection big enough to rip us apart forever. The thought left me
cold, with a gaping hole cracking open my chest. My breath left in
a quiet rush.

“Answer me!” Ryan shouted, red-faced, and
teary, a vein in his forehead swollen and pushing purple against
his skin.

I flinched so bad, my whole body jerked. I
just looked up at him, my own eyes starting to flood. I pulled the
sheet tighter around my chest as if it could protect my heart with
it. The last was a lie, but this was the truth. “I don’t know what
to say that will make a difference.”

He angrily dashed a tear away with his
thumb, before both hands landed at his hips. “Just answer me,
Julia! I deserve a fucking answer!” He was yelling, and I finally
snapped.

“I just make cheesecake!” I screamed back.
“She told me I just… she said she shares more with you than I do.
She can talk to you about things that I can’t! She’s better for you
than I am!”

“What
the hell
are you talking
about?”

“You’re both in medicine! You share blood
and a life-altering experience! She’s shared more with you than
me!” I was still shouting, and he looked at me as if he’d never
seen me before. “She can give you more!”

“I don’t care if she said elephants shit
marshmallows and ate one to prove it, Julia! How can you doubt me?
All I fucking think about is you, but all you think about is
Jane!”

“I don’t…” I began but Ryan cut me off.

“The hell you don’t! How in the hell did we
get to this place?” Sorrow shone through his anger.

I swallowed hard, the lump in my throat hurt
like hell. I silently begged myself not to fall into a sobbing
mess. Why was he still yelling at me? Why wasn’t he furious with
fucking Jane
?

One shoulder lifted in a half-assed shrug.
“You’re asking the wrong person.”

“I guess if I’m already judged, I should
just act out your little fantasy!”

It was my turn to be taken aback,
bitch-slapped by his words; my eyes widened like saucers.

“Tell Ellie I said thanks for planting this
shit in your head! Now I know why Harris left!” Ryan turned and
stalked from the bedroom, leaving me stunned and frozen, still
sitting on the bed. I should have shouted and told him Ellie wasn’t
responsible, he and Jane were, but I simply didn’t have the
energy.

I listened to him take his coat from the
closet and slam out of the apartment. Finally, the tears rained
down my cheeks and heaving pain racked through me. I fell onto the
mattress crying so hard I couldn’t talk, I couldn’t cry out loud…
only gasp for air when I absolutely had no choice but to breathe.
I’d never felt more alone or hopeless than I did in that moment;
the suffocating silence closing in on me like it would stamp out my
existence if I didn’t get out. I hated Jane. I hated New York… I
hated Ryan for not believing me, and I hated myself because,
despite everything, I still loved him so much I wanted to die.

I don’t know how long I laid there, but I
finally pulled myself up, took a shower and picked up my phone.

“Hi, Doll! Happy New Year!” Meredith’s
exuberance made it clear she was still imbibing from the
celebration of the Holiday. “What are you up to?”

I took a deep breath and let the words rush
out. “I’ve reconsidered. I’d like to go to Paris.”

“Really? Wonderful! When can you go? John
said February is almost wrapped. If you leave soon, you can work on
the March issue.”

“Yes. February is done, and goes to press
Friday. Except I need to come up with a little two-page fill. I can
come up with something, and then Andrea can facilitate it before
she joins me. Or we can finish it there and just send it camera
ready online. Would that work?”

“Hell, yes! When do you want to go?”

“I thought today.”

“Wow! When you make up your mind, you really
make up your mind.”

I scratched the towel across the back of my
neck. I felt sick to my stomach, but now I was committed to the job
and committed to the break I needed from my life. Running away was
never my idea of integrity, but sometimes you just have to do it to
gain perspective. “Yeah. I just thought the sooner I go, the sooner
I can come home. I’ll just get a ticket and then submit with
expenses. Okay?”