A Love Like This (47 page)

As I got closer to the office she was using,
situated two floors above mine, my stomach heaved, and I had to
duck into the bathroom. I looked in the mirror, telling myself to
breath through my nose to quell the nausea. Breathe. Just
Breathe.

I felt the bile rise up, and I bolted into
one of the stalls to lurch into the toilet. I puked until I had
nothing left inside and then pulled some toilet paper from the roll
and wiped at my face. My eyes were watering slightly and my stomach
felt better, but my skin felt clammy. I pressed the back of my hand
to my cheek and went to the sink, turning on the water and scooping
some up with my hand to rinse the sour taste out my mouth.
“Gross.”

When I straightened, I examined my sharp
navy suit in the mirror to make sure I hadn’t gotten vomit on it. I
grimaced. My hair was up in a messy bun, and my face was pale, my
eyes wider than normal. Well, it was now or never.

I walked on shaky legs to the mahogany door.
It was cracked slightly, and when I peered in, Meredith waved me
in.

“Where are you taking me for lunch?” she
asked with a bright smile. “Things are going well, huh? I expected
Monique to whine about you, but instead, she sings your
praises.”

I hovered just inside the door. “I like her.
She’s got good instincts, and she catches on quickly. I think the
team has really come around.”

Meredith bobbed her head, her hair sleek.
She was perfection, as always. Her magenta lipstick perfectly
matched the bright trim on her black suit.

“We can go to lunch, Mere, but I really need
a minute.”

She glanced up from the financial report on
her desk. “Sure. What is it? You want a raise?” Her voice was
amused, and she kept right on working.

I sat down, needing to get her attention.
“Meredith.” I smoothed the fabric of my navy wool skirt over my
thighs and folded my hands in my lap. “I need to go back to New
York.”

She glanced up. “Okay. You can take a week
off in about a month. That should be about the halfway point over
here. I planned on suggesting it anyway.”

I took a deep breath. “No. I need to go
home.”

She put her pen down and dropped the report.
“What?”

“My place is in New York. I explained
before, Ryan and I were fighting…”

“And you just thought you’d use me and this
company as an excuse to save your little ass?”

“It wasn’t saving my ass. I just thought we
needed a little break.”

“And now, you’ve had some epiphany, that
your wonderful Ryan is perfect again?”

I was unnerved. I moved to the edge of the
chair to stop my fidgeting. “No. Ryan isn’t perfect. And it’s no
epiphany. You’re right. I was wrong to take this job right now, but
I’ve done my best here. They don’t need me anymore.”

“That’s a load of crap!” Her lips pressed
into a thin line and red splotches were cropping up around the
neckline of her white blouse.

“Meredith, you just said that things were
going well! I can help her from New York! Just like I did that
assignment for John from here. Technology makes it completely
doable.”

She only heard the first sentence. “Yes,
they’re going well. But you’ve only just started over here, Julia.
Who’s to say what will happen if you bail now? I expect you to man
up and finish what you started. You’ll go home in a month. For a
visit
.”

“Manning up means taking care of my
marriage! That’s the thing I need to finish. I’m going home,
Meredith. With or without your blessing.”

I pulled on the left sleeve of my jacket, my
fingers coming into contact with the bracelet that I hadn’t removed
since the night Ryan forced it back on. “I’m leaving as soon as I
can make arrangements. I suggest Mike and Andrea remain for another
month.”

“If you walk out that door, you’ll be sorry,
Julia! You’re throwing away your career! Is he really worth
that?”

I turned around to face her, a calmness
spreading over me. “He’s worth everything. I’m really sorry it has
to come to this. I work my ass off for you and this company. I love
my job… but not more than I love Ryan.”

After I left Meredith, I spent the rest of
the day going about business as usual even though I had effectively
quit. I hadn’t really considered how this would affect Mike or
Andrea, but I wrote down ideas for the April and May issues and
emailed it to Monique, copying Andrea and the other assistant. I
sat back in the chair and looked out over the Paris landscape. It
was beautiful, and I wanted to return with Ryan one day. I was
still scared. Worried that now he might not want me. I considered
calling him, but rather than second guess my decision and give him
a chance to rant at me over the phone, I decided it was better to
just go and face him. If he was in front of me, I’d be able to
touch him, kiss him, and let him look in my eyes when I told him
what an idiot I’d been. I’d do whatever it took to get his arms
around me and know we were okay. I’d beg his forgiveness if I
needed to.

Andrea came through my open door. “Is it
true? You’re leaving?”

“Yes. As soon as I can.”

“But, it’s Friday already.”

“And?”

“Well, I mean… we have that meeting with
Givenchy on Monday. You have to be there. And Mike told me he’d
have those pictures mounted for you by Sunday. Can’t you wait a
couple of days? I mean, what’s a couple of days?”

“You take the meeting. You’ll be amazing.
You have the proposal. We’ve gone over it ten times. Selling is the
sales people’s job. You just have to present the creative. You know
that.”

She stood looking at me, and I met her eyes.
She was hiding something. “I’d feel better with you there. It’s
just a couple of days, Julia. Please. I can’t take it. What if
Meredith hate’s it?”

“She basically fired me. I don’t think I can
go, even if I wanted to.”

“Yeah, and she’ll end up firing me, too.
Please
. What’s a couple of days? I need you. I’ll do
everything else. I’ll get your flight. I’ll even help you
pack.”

I flushed, and pulled back from my desk.

“Julia, you look green. Are you okay?”

My stomach retched suddenly, and I barely
had time to pull the trashcan from beneath the desk to heave into
it. After our conversation, Meredith and I didn’t keep our lunch
plans, and I grabbed a tuna sandwich from the luncheonette on the
lower level of the building. I felt horrible, not only for me but
for Andrea having to witness it. When I was finished, I leaned back
in the chair and reached for a Kleenex from the box on the credenza
behind my desk.

Andrea’s face was twisted in abhorrence.
“Eewww… That’s so nasty!”

“Sorry you had to see that. I think I have
the flu. I was sick earlier, too.”

“See? You can’t leave this weekend. You need
to go back to the hotel and rest for a couple of days. I’ll book
your flight for Monday night? You’ll get everyone on the plane
sick.”

I nodded weakly. “You win.”

“Do you need some water?” she asked
gently.

“That would be great. Thanks.” When she
left, I tied the trash bag shut, cringing for the poor soul who had
to empty it later.

Andrea returned with a bottle of Perrier, a
glass of ice, and a lime wedge. “I thought it would be better than
the alternative.”

“Yeah.” I took a careful sip. “I’m going to
try a little, but I think I just need to go to bed.”

“Okay. I’ll check on you later. In case you
need anything.”

*****

Later that night, as I waited for Andrea to
come to my room, I nibbled on saltine crackers and cream of chicken
soup. The hotel food was good, but the room service menu was
limited, and after almost six weeks of staying in alone more than
going out, it was less appetizing. Coupled with my queasy stomach,
it made it hard to eat much. I’d taken a hot shower and was dressed
in Ryan’s T-shirt and a pair of pink pajama pants. Now that I was
going home, I ached to call him. I even picked up my phone twice to
do it. But my heart was sore, and I didn’t think I could take it if
I called and it went straight to voicemail. I’d rather hold on to
the little happiness that bloomed when I’d made the decision.

A knock at the door had me leaving the
bedroom and going to answer it. Andrea sashayed into the room,
dressed in an old grey sweat suit. She was carrying a small
bag.

“What’s your poison? Cookies, ice cream or
popcorn?” She asked happily. The TV was on, but of course, it was
in French, and though I knew a few words, six weeks wasn’t enough
to learn much.

“Ice cream, I think. What kind do you
have?”

“Chocolate and cookies and cream.”

“Chocolate?” I eyed her hopefully.

She handed me the pint of ice cream and a
plastic spoon and plopped down on the end of the sofa, digging deep
in the bag for the other one.

“You seem happier, Julia. It’s been so hard
to watch how sad you are.”

“I shouldn’t have come. I just… I miss
him.”

“We’ll, he’s definitely miss-able.” She took
a bite and then licked her spoon off upside down. Her eyes lit up
as she dug out another bite. “And a lot of other ‘ables’.” She
giggled and I laughed.

“Yes. He’s all of that.” I grinned at her.
“Now that I’ve decided to go, I just want to go.”

“I know. I talked to Mike. He’s spending the
weekend with some French chick, but he said he can meet you Sunday
at that coffee shop you hang at, to give you the prints. I guess
they’re celebrating V-day late.”

I watched her expression. “I’m sure it’s not
serious.”

“It never is.”

“Why don’t you just tell him how you
feel?”

Her head popped up and I regarded her
steadily, challenging her to deny her feelings.

Her shoulder lifted in a shrug. “I don’t
know. We’ve known each other so long. We’re friends.”

“I know all about that.”

“Are you sad you missed Valentine’s Day with
Ryan?”

I nodded. “Of course. It’s our first since
we’ve been married. But a lot of firsts got screwed this year.” She
knew about Jane. I’d broken down and told her right after we came
to Paris.

“What do you think he got you?”

“Probably nothing.”

“Isn’t he into that sort of thing? From the
flowers and stuff I’ve seen over the years, he seems very romantic.
He’s certainly gorgeous.”

“So you’ve said. Repeatedly.”

Her eyes got big and she grinned. “What? I’m
not blind.”

“Yes, he’s romantic. But I’m not there, so…
probably nothing. When I met him, he hated Valentine’s Day. I
remember the first time in college. His brother, Aaron, was
stumbling all over himself for his girlfriend, and Ryan acted
disgusted by it all. He was so cool. I mean, he acted like he was
the shit.” I lowered my voice in my best Ryan impression. “I don’t
fawn. I’m not the fawning type. I bask in the fawning!” A little
giggle erupted in my chest as I remembered. “He was so
ridiculous.”

“Cause he
was
, right?”

I rolled my eyes at her exaggeration.
“Whatever. That idiot attitude was what encouraged him. Basically,
he was obnoxious. I had a date that year, he didn’t.” The chocolate
ice cream was calming my stomach down. It tasted good, and I was
almost finished with the entire pint. “I ended up blowing off my
date to hangout with my best friend.” I fell into my thoughts.

“
Aaron. Chill, dude. Stop fidgeting, for
Christ’s sake! You’ll scare the shit out of her.”

“
Shut up! It’s only because you’re never
invested in your relationships that you can be so cool about women.
I actually care about this girl.” Aaron was agitated.

“
You’re right. I’m not the fawning type.”
Aaron seemed confused by Ryan’s statement. “I don’t fawn. I
bask
in the fawning.” Ryan touted, grinning.

Aaron frowned blankly back as I watched the
two of them. “What the hell are you talking about?”

“
You! You’re a mess. Get your balls back,
man!”

“
Well, some of us have to work at it,
pretty boy.”

“
Yeah, Ryan, you have it easy! I mean,
look at that mug!” I huffed, feeling sorry for Aaron. He was cute,
but Ryan was… stunning. “It’s not as if you’ve ever had to work for
it, so cut Aaron a break!”

I was sitting on the chair at the other end
of the sofa in the apartment Ryan shared with Aaron. I tried to
concentrate on my calculus assignment.

“
Shut up, Abbott.” He nudged my shoulder
and that familiar tingle ran through my entire body. “You’ve
probably got gaggles of poor assholes just waiting in line with
hearts and flowers today. What happened to that sap making googly
eyes at you in the library yesterday? Poor bastard!” Ryan
scoffed.

My eyes lifted from my assignment, and I
scowled at him. “Martin Frank? You’ve got to be kidding me!”

One side of Ryan’s mouth quirked in a smug
smirk. The guy was a nerd, and I wasn’t all that interested because
I was in love with my best friend, and I had to cover however I
could manage.

“
Yeah, you guys could probably use the
grease in his hair for lube.” Ryan continued to goad and tried to
smother a laugh.

I smiled and bit my lip, my eyes locked with
Ryan’s deep blue ones as I tried not to grin. “Um, not all women
need lube you know, Matthews. Maybe you aren’t motivating enough.”
I could hardly contain my laughter as I gave as good as I got. He
turned the tables as usual.

“
Humph!” He snorted in disgust. “That’s
not why they need it,” he said dryly.

“
Ugh,” I moaned. My cheeks lit up like a
firecracker. “Whatever. Your ego knows no bounds.”

“
It’s part of my incredible
charm.”

Andrea shook her head. “You guys have a lot
of great memories.”

Her words brought me out of the past and
into the present and the gravity of the situation. My expression
sobered.