A Love Like This (50 page)

“Ryan, I’m sorry…” I said again in a
whisper, my mouth beginning to trace circles on his skin. “So
sorry. I was wrong to leave you.”

Tears dropped on the arm that I’d wrapped
around him, and yet he said nothing. I kissed his back in a series
of soft caresses while my fingers squeezed his arm and the other
hand splayed open on his stomach moving upward. I paused when it
rested over his heart. I could feel it pounding, feel his chest
heaving in his anguish.

“I never should have left, but I was in so
much pain. After I saw her in your arms and what she said to
me…”

Ryan tensed even more. “She wasn’t in my
fucking arms, Julia!”

“Okay…” I soothed. “Maybe it wasn’t what I
thought, but it hurt more than anything has ever hurt me. And,
after I left, I knew I’d hurt you, but I was in so much pain, I
couldn’t face yours, too. I was selfish. Please…” my voice broke on
what seemed like a hallow explanation, even though I’d suffered
unspeakably myself. I realized no amount of suffering would justify
leaving him,
ever
. Nothing was more important to me than
being with this man. My heart thundered painfully in my chest as I
waited for some sign that Ryan felt the same way. “Ryan, please
forgive me,” I begged again.

He didn’t move or say a word as the precious
seconds ticked by, my hands kneading the firm flesh of his chest,
my forehead resting on the hard muscle of his back. Until finally,
I could bear it no longer and scrambled off the bed and around in
front of him, kneeling, naked, on the floor and forcing him to
really see me. His features contorted in agony, and he turned his
face to the side, as if he couldn’t bear to look at me. My heart
exploded. I knew he loved me. Knew it like I knew my own name, but
we’d hurt each other worse than we ever had.

“Do you have any concept of what you put me
through? Any fucking idea?” His voice was low and harsh, thick with
pain. “Hearing you say I forgot to remember you—I can’t believe
you’d think that was ever a possibility. To use those words against
me…”

“I felt like I was losing you,” I said
softly. My hands slid up from his knees to his thighs, up over his
arms and then around his neck, my body hovering between his legs,
yet he was still. I pressed my mouth to the curve between his neck
and shoulder lovingly. Somehow, I had to make him understand. “I
guess, I wanted you to feel the possibility of that loss, too. But,
I love you, Ryan. I never stopped. Please…”

I didn’t know what I was doing. I felt
desperate for his forgiveness, for his arms around me, holding and
cherishing, like I needed from him. I pressed more kisses to the
side of his face, praying he’d turn and find my mouth. “Please,
hold me, Ryan, and don’t let go,” I begged as I began crying in
earnest. “I need to know you still love me. I need to know we’ll
always be us
.”

Instantly his arms locked around me in a
tight embrace and his chest filled, pressing against mine. His face
turned into the curve of my neck and stayed there for a good five
minutes, one hand clutched into the hair at the back of my head and
the other flat between my shoulder blades. My eyes closed in relief
as I stroked the silk of his hair back and ran kisses across his
shoulder and up his neck over and over again. My hammering heart
slammed into his.

His hand closed around my upper arms and
held me away so he could look at me. His blue eyes swam with tears,
but they burned with fury.

“That’s just it! You know how much I love
you, Julia! You
know
you’ll never lose me. Unless you want
to kill me,” he ground out, his voice thick and hard. “If you
didn’t know it, I wouldn’t be breathing. That’s why I’m so pissed!
How can you not trust that?” I could physically feel his anger, but
I also felt the magnitude of the love he couldn’t deny. My heart
swelled with hope.

My chin trembled and fat tears tumbled from
my eyes. I reached for his face and nodded.

“Yes, I do. I know you didn’t sleep with
Jane.”

“Would you still love me, even if I
had?”

I gasped loudly. It never occurred to me
that he might actually cheat. My face crumpled, and my shoulders
shook. I cried harder, but still, I couldn’t lie to him. I dug my
fingers into the nape of his neck, and I held onto Ryan as if my
life depended on it; because it did. I nodded as the truth rocketed
through me. I loved him unconditionally, and I would never stop. No
matter what. Forever.

“Yes. Even then.”

“Really? Because you gutted me and still I
love you! I fucking hate you right now, but I love you so Goddamn
much it’s killing me!” The words ripped from him even as his hands
pulled me tightly against him again, his fingers digging into the
flesh of my back painfully as he buried his face in my neck and
shoulder sobbing with me. “It hurts so much! How could you doubt
me? Did you really think I could touch anyone after you?”

“It wasn’t about that. It was about…” my
voice cracked as emotions choked off my words. God, my chest
hurt!

“You don’t have to say it. I know what it
was about!” His voice was muffled against me.

“No!” I pushed back, and his dark eyes
burned into mine. His face was damp with tears, the remnants
clinging to his lashes. I reached out to brush them away with both
hands. “No, obviously you don’t. I…” The loss I felt, even as I
held him in my arms, threatened to overwhelm me. “I just… I missed
you. I felt pushed aside.”

Ryan’s face twisted. “But, we made love all
the time. I thought you knew. When I touch you… I can’t get closer
to you than that. Our time was so limited, I tried to show you
every minute we were together. Making love… it’s like a religious
experience!” He huffed in anguish. “At least, it is to me.”

Panic seized my chest. How was I going to
make him understand? “It is, Ryan. It means everything, but
remember you used to tell me that as long as you had my words, you
didn’t need my body? Remember? In Estes Park that first
Christmas?”

“Yeah, but what does that have to do with
this? I was joking around!”

“That didn’t make it less true, did it?” I
pulled back. This time it was me who needed to see his face.

“No.” He shook his head. “It’s true.”

“Right. I needed you! Just
you
. The
talks, the coffee dates… just hanging out.”

Realization flooded his beautiful face, and
we came together almost violently, desperation filling our embrace.
His hand threaded through the hair at the back of my head as my
arms wrapped around his waist.

“I missed you,” I whispered against him. “I
needed my best friend.”

“Oh, Jesus! I’m so fucking stupid.” His soft
lips rained kisses all over my face, at first quickly and then more
slowly, becoming caressing in the way he savored my skin. My mouth
ached for his; my heart ached for his love. “I’m sorry, baby,” Ryan
whispered against my lips. “You should know I’d never put anyone
before you. I’m sorry I made you feel that way. I’m the one that
needs forgiving.”

He pushed back and cupped both sides of my
face with his hands; his thumbs brushed my cheekbones, and then one
raked over my lower lip. His eyes glistened with tears that still
clung to his lashes and left trails down his face, but his
expression was searching.

“Only if you forgive me too. I’m so
sorry.”

We were both laughing and crying at the same
time as we hugged and kissed over and over. Relief washed over me
and I could finally breathe again.

His strong arms tightened around my body and
lifted me effortlessly onto the bed. Somehow, we ended up wound
around each other under the covers, my head resting on Ryan’s chest
as his fingers traced delicate patterns on my shoulders and back.
My hand wandered down over his iron flat stomach to grasp around
him. He began to swell and harden instantly.

“Mmmmm…” he sighed.

I ached to tell him about the baby, but the
moment seemed to be just about us, and I wanted to bask in it for a
few minutes. The weeks apart seemed endless, and now, with his arms
around me, I felt safe and relaxed; finally happy. The last thing I
wanted was for Ryan to believe that the baby was the only reason I
was going back to him.

Suddenly, Ryan rolled over and pinned me
down, cupping both sides of my face with his hands, his thumbs
brushing my cheekbones roughly, and then one raked over my lower
lip. His eyes were still teary, but his expression was stern.

“When were you planning to tell me you were
pregnant?”

My mouth fell open in a surprised gasp, and
Ryan’s eyes widened with mine.

“Was that the only reason you were coming
home?” he asked sadly. “How long have you known?”

“Ryan, no! I was coming home because I
couldn’t stand another minute away from you.” My fingers traced
down his cheek to the stubble on his chin. “I can’t breathe when
we’re apart.” My eyes searched his for some spark of belief, the
blue depths as deep and dark as the ocean. “I was packing, yes, but
I only just discovered it Friday evening. I’ve been throwing up,
but I thought it was just because I’ve been so miserable and crying
so much. I’d already made the decision to come home. Everything
hurt, and I didn’t want you to suffer anymore.”

Ryan scowled down at me, but happiness shone
in his eyes, his mouth twitched on one corner.

“Don’t be mad.” I pouted playfully, running
a finger down the side of his face and then his lower lip. “I’m
very happy about the baby, but it wasn’t the reason I was coming
home. You’re the only reason I do anything.” A tremulous smile
tugged at my lips as I watched love soften his handsome features. I
moved my hand up to brush the soft stubble that darkened his strong
jaw. “I love you so much.”

Ryan’s big hand continued to stroke my cheek
and brow as I waited for his response. Emotions
flowed over his beautiful face: love, pride, pain. “I love
you, too. I can’t stand it if you don’t know how much.”

Ryan’s mouth finally found mine in a tender
kiss, his open mouth playing with mine. I lifted my face to his,
hungry and wanting his tongue to pillage and plunder, to take what
I wanted so much to give. His hands grazed the sides of my breasts,
then one went around my back and the other slid to my abdomen, just
below my waist. A shuddering sigh left him, and I threaded the
fingers of both hands at his nape.

“Promise me you know,” he demanded
softly.

“I promise.” My heart constricted and then
exploded. “How did you know about the baby? I haven’t told a single
person… except Andrea.”

Ryan’s lips lifted in a half smile. “She
didn’t tell me. I know you; every nuance of your body. Your breasts
were firm before but now they’re like bouncy balls. And your
nipples are slightly bigger and more plumped up.” He grinned and
moved to my side, letting his hand brush down my stomach, below my
navel, before tenderly splaying his hand as I burst out laughing at
his words.

He bent his head and kissed the top swell of
one breast, brushing his chin over the nipple playfully, the soft
bristles puckering the tender flesh. “I can’t wait to watch you
bloom with our baby. You’re so beautiful,” he whispered the
worshiping words, and I’d never felt more cherished.

My fingers wound in his hair as I arched
beneath his mouth, wanting more, wanting to show him how much he
meant to me. “I should have known I couldn’t fool you, Matthews,” I
teased. My expression sobered. “But I wasn’t really trying to.”

“I know. I saw the picture in the magazine
when I bought it for Louie, but I refused to read the article. I
thought you’d taken that job for God knew how long.” Ryan brushed
his nose against mine. “I was afraid to hope it was for me.”

“Ryan,” I said softly. “I thought my reason
was transparent. Even Mike, figured out that it was to let you know
where I was. It was the first thing we did here. I hoped… you’d
come after me.”

“That’s nuts! I told you I’d come for you
the day you left. You said you didn’t want me!”

“I didn’t then. I was trying to figure out a
way to accept Jane. But two days later, I was taking that photo on
the bridge, Ryan. Because, I couldn’t bear to be away from you and
I wanted you to find me. But, you waited for weeks. Why didn’t you
talk to me?”

Ryan studied me, his beautiful smile fading
to a serious look as the seconds ticked by. “I was pissed as hell
and hurting. I wanted to punish you back, but then something
happened that made me realize I was taking the biggest risk of my
life by not coming after you.” I cocked my head to look up at him
and his fingers brushed my cheek. “I need to tell you this, baby.”
His fingers threaded through mine as he looked down into my
face.

I frowned. “Is it going to hurt me? If so, I
don’t want to know. It doesn’t matter.”

“I don’t want it to hurt, but I have to tell
you, even if it does, sweetheart. We can’t have any secrets between
us.”

“Okay,” I sighed, bracing myself for what
was to come. Ryan’s hand tightened on mine.

“I was going crazy, and I was so pissed
because you left and wouldn’t tell me where you were. When I
figured it out, I was pissed that you took the job, and that would
probably mean we were over. I couldn’t sleep, and I was eating like
shit. I was living on energy drinks to keep me awake at work, but I
was starting to lose it. I was shaky and snapping at everyone; I
could barely function. When I almost dosed someone the wrong meds,
Dr. Jameson finally prescribed sleeping pills and insisted I go
home and take a few days off. He could have kicked me out of the
program.”

I turned my face into his neck and leaned my
forehead on his shoulder. “Ryan,” I breathed. “I’m sorry. Oh, my
God!”

Ryan’s lips brushed my temple. “Babe, let me
get this out.”

I lifted up on my elbows just enough to look
into his eyes and frowned. Anxiety forced my heart to thud
painfully, and the trepidation in Ryan’s expression didn’t
help.