A Life Plan Without You. (56 page)

I’ll stay and take whatever punishment he gives me, I deserve
it she’s destroyed and all this is my doing, I should have just
told her everything, please listen to me baby I love you and seeing
you hurt this much is killing me, I won’t let us die,
ever…

He refused to go, and I knew Shane would do as he said. I
loved Sam and didn’t want him hurt no matter what he had done he’d
given me a month of fun and love. Perhaps that’s all we had or were
to have together, fate is a fickle mistress, and I still needed to
know why he lied to me led me on with his promises. Such a good
thing, he wasn’t for having sex with me now and I hadn’t given him
my gift. I was always told the one I loved true would be the only
one and there would only be one, so now I was screwed, because I
loved Sam and he loved others as well as me perhaps? He did love
me, but not in the same way as he loved her, shit them, hell were
there more?

I want it explained, if it’s just so I can learn and move on
and find my one. I wanted Sam to be the one, I needed it to be Sam,
and I hated Sam for using me, worse still my heart is breaking,
because I love Sam and I always will. As the song goes, 'confusion,
it's such a terrible shame. Our favourite band had a song for every
sad bloody occasion.

“Shane let him explain and then he can go, and then can I get
a taxi home please?” He stood with the rest of the bouncers, he
didn’t want to, but went he too was angry. We went to sit in the
garden, were we ate our sandwiches. I was so weak. I slumped on the
wet seat all cried out sobbing and cold. He took his jacket off to
put around my shoulders. I threw it on the floor, all I wanted to
know why I wasn’t good enough, and I wanted explanations. He put it
back on the bench.

“Explain, then I can get home. I knew all this was too good to
be true. It’s her you’re so madly in love with, that’s why we’ve
not done it. Why am I not good enough for you? Do you want her
back, that skanky bondage whore? You were with her for a whole
year, the one you still moon over
. Would I
be just someone else you’d just had meaningless sex with on
Saturday? Would you be adding me to the list of those you have just
fumbled with? Drunken sex, one night stands, fumbles those you can
fuck? But me who you, say you supposedly love, you won’t have sex
with, why Sam why
? I would have given you
everything Sam and then some you are the first thing I think of
when I wake and the last thing before I sleep and every fucking
minute in between.”

He smiles and that makes me angrier, he is smiling and I feel
like dying, or beating the crap out of him and then her and oh if
he laughs once more.

“Vaffanculo, tell you what, come on get me pissed, and shag
the hell out of me on the market, that’s your place of choice I
believe? Not in my warm and inviting bed, not in my arms that hold
you when I tell you I love you and bloody mean it, the same arms
that hold you when you cry. Let's just do it meaningless, drunken
sex, then fuck off back to her, that’s what you want don’t you,
her? The one you love the one who has that piece that means so
fucking much to you, your first wonderful loving girlfriend. Who
held you, worshipped you, wanted you and made you feel like you
were the only person in the world?

Vaffanculo, that would have been me. She must have been good
at the sex thing though. That’s something I don’t know about, being
as you can’t or rather won’t do that with me. Such love you must
have for her, she really must have been good in bed for you to want
to go back to her, well better than me because, I’m good enough for
some things, but not the others. Why did you make all the
meaningless and empty promises, why ask me to fucking marry you,
that’s what’s killing me Sam, why?

You can tell me Sam that you love me a million times a day,
but prove you love me, tell me the sodding truth please, and answer
me truthfully. Do you remember, Sam my rules that first night my
rules are never Lie cheat or hurt me? You’re doing all those things
to me Sam, all of them and now...” I thumped his chest so hard. He
just held me, whilst I cried into it. I pulled away and I then
quite spectacularly threw up. I stood to run and my legs began to
buckle, he caught me and held me tightly as I cried. Sitting back
down, he let me go quiet. Then he started to talk. I listened
through my sobs.

“Whatever I had with her was over well over two years ago.
When, I found her in bed with someone else, I was devastated and
feeling the way you feel now, used and a fool, but the difference
is I haven’t used you, I do love you. Oh boy do I love you
Michelle. She was my first and yes, I thought I was madly in love
with her, I loved her like you say you love me.” I pulled out of
his chest.

“Say I love you? You bastard I do love you, did love you. Shit
Sam why are you hurting me like this? What did I do to you to make
you hate me like this?” He looked at me not breaking his grip or
eye contact the tears flowed from us both.

“Sorry baby that was a stupid slip I know how much you love
me. You want the truth Michelle, really? Well, let me tell you the
awful truth, the whole truth all about the fucked up boyfriend, who
loves you more than anyone he ever has before. Michelle, I love
you, just you. I could never hate you, ever. She was everything to
me for a few weeks at best. So help me Michelle I was a fucking
hornie geeky and yep freakishly shy nineteen year old virgin, she
was the older good looking woman. She came complete with a place to
shag in I thought she liked me, I hoped she loved me, but as the
weeks went by, I settled for just going there to do it, and her, it
was good but not great, and then I’d go home to bed satisfied for a
few days, that’s not love baby.

When I said your first time has to be special, I meant it. I
want more for you than I got she broke my heart. She used me for
the whole time we were together baby the whole time. Everything was
a lie and a show for her boyfriend. I was nothing but a joke and
being used for their entertainment, a fucking circus sideshow for
her and his fucking perverted friends, people, men, others watched
me and that’s what hurt, that I was just there for their fucking
amusement, a freak show. For the freaks in that fucking house. All
of them watching me be stupid and fuck a whore.” He was sobbing
holding me tighter and his grip not loosening on me.

“She never loved me at all, she lied she had other men. She
manipulated me, she used me for what she could get out of me, she
made me doubt everything, she was and is evil and I because of this
I have massive trust issues, massive. Yes, I’ve had fumbles with
loads of girls, but nothing serious. Nothing, just meaningless
drunken sex. I had that a lot too and with girls who I only saw and
did the once, just in case I fell for any of them, I didn’t
ever.

I just wanted to punish the girls who were stupid enough to go
there I wanted them to feel used like me. They were to there for my
amusement I didn’t care that I could be hurting them, as long as I
got what I thought I wanted it was fine. I hated what I’d done, the
instant I’d done it. Most girls were fine with a one off, the
others would beg for a repeat, but I never went for a second visit
with them, had they turned me down, I may have thought they were
worth it, but none of them did, so I just kept on doing it and
every time I went out.” Ha, so he was, wham-bam-thank-you Sam for a
reason then?

“I stopped everything, the minute I fell for you dancing down
the path, then that New Year’s Eve, I saw you out okay I was drunk
and she looked like you, remember though I was so, so drunk, I did
actually think it was you Michelle, sorry but I desperately wanted
to spend the New Year with you, the girl I’d fallen for and boy was
I happy, finally I had you and then I really fucked up, I’d taken
you well her to fuck on the market. You, who I wanted so badly, you
were about to be taken there and be treated like the rest of those
poor girls!

I was horrified, then I looked down at her again, and it
wasn’t you thank God I was so relieved. She begged me to take her
begged I changed in that instant, her cries taunted me. Andy went
with her, he didn’t care and he pointed her out when we went out
the week after. I apologised to her, she said she would give me
another chance. I didn’t accept her offer, telling her I was in
love with someone else, because I was with you and I didn’t go out
again.” I stopped and really listened.

“I left her untouched and sick to my stomach. I was a monster
a sick, fucked up monster. I swore then to change to try to sort
things out, to see if you and I had a chance. I watched I waited
and I fell deeper. I obsessed over you Michelle, everyday watching
you. Yes I’ve lied to you, I broke your rules because I’ve lied to
you, because I didn’t want you to hate me without knowing I had
changed.

I began watching James from the last week in October, last
year, two weeks in and he was ‘fighting’ that wasn’t a lie, but
whilst watching him I saw you, a beautiful girl who caught my eye
dancing, on November 18
^th
that wonderful day you
danced into my life. I fell for you hard and I led you to believe
the times I saw you were accidents of watching Jimmy and they
weren’t I was fantasising about the stranger who quite literally
danced into my life. So you want honesty try this on for size,
after the Christmas break, I’ve taken days off work to watch you
play hockey, every match you’ve played I have watched, watched you
practice and I watched as you danced in lessons from the back
steps.

I knew that’s where you danced, because I followed you. Lana
saw me outside and asked what I wanted? I said to learn to dance
and I did Tuesday and Thursday at first because she couldn’t fit me
in on a Friday, but I’d come to meet her after her class and watch
you instead from the back steps, fantasising about you and me. I
needed you Michelle, like I need to breath and what’s confusing me
the most is I don’t know why I followed you or why I fell for you
as hard as I did or why I needed you like I do? I did though and
getting to know you has been the best month of my life.” I could
feel his heart beating fast, his tears had wet his shirt front
through, his eyes swollen. I held him and when I did this, he
sighed.

“On that wonderful day you danced into my life and for some
reason and it changed me. I had to hope you wouldn’t do the same. I
won’t just have sex with you, not because I can’t it’s because I
don’t want to get hurt like that ever again. I don’t hate you, I
couldn’t ever hate you, I love you Michelle. I just thought I
needed the security of being married, but shit even marriages lead
to divorce, but it’s what my stupid brain thought I needed,
security in a promise to stay with me until death do us part. I
needed to know you weren’t going to leave me, I love you way more
than I’ve ever loved anyone and I ache for you, when you’re not
with me.” I love you too more's the pity, because this is killing
me, oh how I wish I had more experience, to deal with
this.

“However, that pathetic piece she stole from me, your right it
is killing me and us Michelle and I’m sorry so, so sorry but never
doubt I love you because I do. You Michelle are more than someone I
want to just fuck; never say that again baby. You’re the one I want
to marry, I want to marry you, do you hear me I want to marry you,
I want to make love to you, it has to be special and it has to mean
something special for us both. Yes, I’ve fucked a lot of girls, but
I have never slept with anyone, other than you, never held anyone
in my arms like this and never yet made love to anyone, that
Michelle I want for you, with you, just us together.”

Sam truly loved a stranger, me and yet he couldn’t tell me why
or why he was compelled to watch me. He kissed the top of my head,
still crying. His messed up home life, his screwed up sex life
before me, my temper and childish rants. All this is new to me, he
was and is my first boyfriend, my messed up love is killing me and
not doing it is killing me too. Jesus I fidget on his knee, as he
sighs and then we continue our truth session, answers still
needed…

“You carry her photo with you so it can’t be over.” I’d
admitted seeing the damn photo, I sobbed again. He picked up his
jacket from the bench removed the photo, and handed it
me.

“Turn it over, please Michelle.” I did and there was a
scribbled message on the back. ‘Don’t give your heart to her or
anyone.’ I looked at him. I ripped it into a million small pieces
as he smiled. His grip around me loosened. “Every time I looked at
that picture, I’d think do I want to be hurt again? I actually had
that screwed up in my pocket fully intending to throw it out. But
somehow it’s back in the wallet she and it are like the proverbial
bad bloody penny, turning up and ruining it for me.” I smiled and
sobbed.

“Mum took the stuff out of your pocket to dry yesterday. She
must have put it back in, that’s how I saw it. I dropped your
wallet and it fell out. I should have just asked you, I'm sorry. In
the pub though you ignored me you blanked me completely, and you
pulled away from me why?” He looked shocked, and visibly
hurt.

“I never thought you two would ever meet, the clash of the
woman who had hurt me most, with the one who I love most in the
world, that alone sent my head all over the place, I couldn’t face
you Michelle. I had such hate in my eyes, something you haven’t
seen and you'd been talking to her. I didn’t know what she had said
to you I pulled away from her as she touched me I didn’t want her
to touch me again, she makes my skin crawl, but you put your arm
around me and everything was all right, when I realised you weren’t
holding me it was Zoë, I ran to the steps you weren’t there, so I
came to see if Shane had seen you.”