A Hope Undaunted (63 page)

Parker grinned. “You never were a good liar, McGee, not on your worst day.” With a firm grip to Luke’s shoulder, he turned and continued down the street, fading into the shadows as Luke’s gaze followed in a bleak stare.

Luke closed his eyes and suddenly became aware of the bone-chilling cold, feeling more like a failure than he’d ever felt before. God help him . . . why hadn’t he stayed in Philadelphia? He blew out a shaky breath and turned to head back to the office, determined to make this right. He’d stay until Carmichael hired a new man, but then he would leave. And Parker would have no choice but to come back. He would never leave Katie high and dry. Luke halted as a thought struck, and a chill skittered through him that had nothing to do with the weather.

Can I?

“Please, God – I can’t go through another week like this.” Katie’s nasal whisper fell on deaf walls in a lonely office where she’d just spent the most miserable eight days of her life. She sat at her desk, shoulders bent and head buried in her arms, weeping for what must be the hundredth time since the man she was to marry had walked out of her life.

Her jaw hardened with intent. Well, it was time for the tears to end. There had been tears when Parker left, and tears when Luke returned. Tears over the weekend and tears in her bed. Tears in Parker’s office during lunch hours and again on the lonely walks home. The result was red-rimmed eyes and a rusty voice that sounded like she was sick. And she was – heartsick over the pain she’d caused the two men she loved.

She wiped her eyes with a soggy handkerchief – the same handkerchief Luke had given her last week when he’d returned after trying to talk some sense into Parker. Katie had sobbed, and Luke had comforted, but his manner had been cautious and stiff, the steeled grief in his eyes fair warning that he would neither let Parker win . . . nor let Katie in.

“He’s determined to do this,” he’d said, teeth clenched as he hurled the door closed, rattling the bubbled window. “He’s enrolled at the Seminary of the Immaculate Conception in New York. That’s where he went this week.” He gouged shaky fingers through his hair, his eyes stormy. “But we’re not going to let him do this, Katie.”

He turned away, head in his hands, and then shocked her when he slammed his fist to the wall, jarring both her and the few pictures that now hung in the balance. She’d been told he had a temper, but she’d never really seen it until then. On the walk home, he had ranted and raved, obviously venting his keen frustration over “ruining their lives.” And then with no more than a stiff hug at the gate, he had left her, promising to do everything in his power to bring Parker back.

A promise he kept, but nothing more. He had clearly taken great pains to avoid her this week, spending his time behind closed doors or in meetings with Carmichael, approaching only Gladys or Bonnie Sue whenever he needed something done. The few times he did speak to her, his tone was professional and his eyes distant and cool, as if connecting with her in any way would violate some life-and-death vow he had made.

She glanced down at Parker’s ring, still on her left hand, and silently grieved over other vows that would never be taken. Eyes closed, she twisted the diamond on her finger, knowing full well she needed to remove it, but no strength or will at the moment to let the past go.

With a sodden sniff, she glanced up at the clock, noting that Luke’s meeting with Miss Lillian at the BSCG was running longer than usual. It was half past six and Katie had been working and weeping since they’d left – Gladys and Bonnie Sue for the weekend and Luke for his meeting. Seldom had she felt this awful, her sinuses a mass of congestion and fluid and grief, but it didn’t matter. Not tonight. Because tonight she needed to talk, if only for closure with the two men she loved. She hiked her chin with steel in her jaw. And talk she would . . . whether Luke McGee liked it or not.

Rising to her feet, she moved toward the window as if in a trance, eyes raw as she stared at the glass encrusted with frost. She blew her nose with Luke’s handkerchief and wanted to start crying all over again.

Luke.
Parker had suspected – whether she had tipped her hand, or Luke had, or both – somehow he’d known that their love was not finished. Katie thought of the man who had encouraged her, coddled her, saved her from the pain of heartbreak when Luke had left, and her heart squeezed with agony at the hurt he must have felt. She loved him, had been ready to spend her life with him regardless of any feelings she still harbored for Luke.
Why, Parker?

But she already knew. It was simple, really. Because he loved her . . . because he loved Luke . . . and because, as Luke had said, that was the caliber of man that Parker Riley was. A sob broke as she put the handkerchief to her mouth and closed her eyes. “God,” she whispered, “please tell me what to do.”

But this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are
behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before
. . .

The air stilled in Katie’s lungs, and the cold slithered her spine. She opened her eyes, staring not at the whorls of ice etched on the pane, but at a passage in her mind, the one from Philippians she’d read that very morning. She blinked, and the breath in her throat parted from her lips in short, shallow gasps as her pulse quickened in her veins. Could Parker be right – could this be God’s will after all?

“As much as I love you, Katie, I’d rather have God’s will
than my own . . . for you, for me . . . And for Luke. Because
therein lies God’s best.”

A gasp broke from her lips as she swayed on her feet, Parker’s words impacting her for the very first time.

God’s best.

She closed her eyes, and as cleansing as a sigh, the burden of her grief lifted from her shoulders to God’s. Could it be? His will – not Parkers, not Luke’s, and not hers.
His
– the Lover of their souls? The One who ordained a specific path for each of them – knowing full well that his plan and purpose was not only why they’d been created, but for their ultimate happiness as well. At the thought, the knot unraveled in her stomach and peace drifted through her body like a gentle breeze, as warm and soft as the air that blew from the radiator below, caressing her arms.

Luke.
The breeze fluttered in her stomach. Parker’s gift to her . . .

And God’s?

She opened her eyes and rubbed her arms, wondering if in the shadow of her sorrow, she could truly accept this as “God’s will.” And more importantly – could Luke?

“Katie?”

She turned at the window, and her throat tightened at the sag of his shoulders, the tragic look in his eyes. She wanted to run to him, to bury herself in those strong arms and ease their grief together, this man she loved more than life itself. But something stopped her – a stubborn bent to his chin, lips pressed pale with resolution . . . and an air that told her the tragedy in his eyes extended well beyond Parker’s departure. She remained silent.
Oh, Luke . . .

He glanced at the clock, his voice almost curt. “What are you still doing here?”

Releasing the breath she’d been holding, she slowly moved toward her desk, her heart surprisingly calm in the midst of Luke’s rejection and her pain over Parker. With eyes focused on Bobbie Sue’s report rather than Luke’s face, she absently fingered the stack of papers, her thumb creasing along the bottom edge. “We need to talk,” she whispered. “We can’t go on like this forever, never speaking, avoiding each other like the plague.” She glanced up, her heart in her throat. “Oh, Luke, what are we going to do?”

She heard his weary sigh and chanced a peek, watching him frown as he plucked his gloves off his hands and shoved them into his pockets. There was an edge of annoyance to the hard line of his mouth as he took his coat off and flung it on the coat rack. “Well, for starters, I told Carmichael I would stay on for a month, maybe two . . .” His eyes flicked up, and he frowned again. “Until he can hire a replacement.”

“You . . . don’t plan . . . to stay, then?” Her heart stopped, awaiting his answer.

The frown melted into compassion as he stripped off his suit coat and rolled up the sleeves of his pinstripe shirt. He jerked his tie loose as if in frustration, but his voice was quiet and calm. “No, Katie, I don’t. Once Parker realizes that, he’ll be back – I promise.”

“I see.” Her fingers made another nervous sweep along the edge of the papers. “Oh!”

“What’s wrong?” He took a step forward.

She sucked on her finger while water blurred in her eyes. “Paper cut,” she said with a sudden heave, unable to stop tears from trickling her face.

“Oh, Katie,” he whispered, “please don’t – this is hard enough for me as it is.”

The taste of blood soured her tongue, merging with her frustration. “It’s hard for all of us, Luke McGee,” she said with a snap of her chin. “For Parker, who gave up our marriage, for you who said goodbye to a friend, and for me who not only lost a dear fiancé but has to work here day in and day out, wracked with guilt because I’m still in love with his best friend.” She rose to her feet, obstinence and anger strengthening her bones. “Parker’s not coming back, and we both know it. Take the job, Luke . . .”

Regret shadowed his eyes. “I can’t, Katie. We have to give him the chance.”

She rounded the desk slowly, heart racing as she walked toward him. “I know, and I feel the same way, truly. But I also know that for the first time in his life, Parker Riley is being a brick wall that neither of us will scale.”

Alarm flickered in his eyes as she approached. “No, Katie, don’t. My mind’s made up.”

Ignoring the sharpness of his tone, she moved in close, suddenly never surer of anything more in her life. Her gaze fused with his as she slowly took his hand in hers, his pale lips parted to emit tenuous breaths. She swallowed hard and caressed his palm. “Parker has given us a remarkable gift, Luke – a second chance to get it right. Take the job – please . . .”

“Katie, I can’t . . .” His chest rose and fell with labored breathing, as if he had just run a mile, and maybe he had. She stared at those blue eyes now etched with pain. It took a lot of energy to run away from your dreams.

Despite the pounding of her heart, a rare peace prevailed as she lifted his hand to her mouth and placed a gentle kiss in his palm. Her gaze never left his as she curled his fingers closed with the embrace of her hand. “I love Parker Riley, Luke, and you know that. But God knows – and Parker knows – that I’m
in love
with you. And maybe . . . just maybe . . . it’s what God had in mind all along.”

He eased his hand away with a nervous shift of his throat. “I love you, Katie, you know that. But I’m not ready . . . for this . . . for us . . .”

“I’ll wait,” she said quietly. She lifted on tiptoe to cup his face with her hand while her thumb gently stroked the edge of his lip. “Take the job, Luke,” she whispered.

He groaned and swallowed her up in his arms, squeezing her so tightly that the breath left her lungs. “We don’t work well together,” he rasped. “We butt heads, Katie, and heaven knows you don’t take orders.”

“I can, and I will,” she gasped against the rough plane of his jaw. “Whatever you say.”

Shock cooled the blood in her veins when he suddenly pushed her away, his fingers gouging her arms as he held her at arm’s length. His hard, rapid breaths ticked away the seconds as he stared wild-eyed, a man caught in the crosshairs of guilt. “God, forgive me, what am I doing?”

Leaving her stunned and breathless, he quickly distanced himself, and all at once the stubbled jaw steeled again, along with the flinty blue of his eyes. “Don’t tempt me like this, Katie, it’s not right. Not with Parker’s ring on your finger and the memory of his kiss still warm on your lips.”

She swallowed hard and stared at Parker’s engagement ring, shocked at the calm she felt. As if the innate calm of the man who’d given this ring had infused into her soul somehow, giving her his peace as well.
God’s peace.
Closing her eyes, she drew in a quiet breath and slowly took the ring off. She looked up with a gentle gaze. “It was Parker’s decision to end it, Luke, not mine. Because he knew – knew that you and I belong together.” Longing misted in her eyes. “He wants you to marry me, Luke,” she whispered, “and so do I.”

As if his defenses had wavered, he sighed and plunged his hands in his pockets, his eyes suddenly tender. “As God is my witness, Katie, there is nothing on earth I would rather do, but I just can’t.” He exhaled again and slashed a hand through his hair. “Not now . . . maybe not ever.”

“But, why?” She took a step forward, hurt dimming the hope in her eyes.

“Why?” His thick, blond brows angled high as disbelief furrowed his face. His tone was clipped. “Because Parker’s been gone all of a week, and Betty barely over seven months, that’s why. How can I even think of being happy when both of them – ” His voice cracked, and he put a hand to his eyes.

Empathy swelled in her chest. “Luke,” she whispered, “it’s what Parker wants – for you to be happy – and Betty would too.”

He looked up then, guilt glazing his eyes. “Maybe so, Katie, but I’m just not ready.” A lump shifted in his throat as he looked away. “Maybe not for a long, long time.”