A Beautiful Forever (23 page)

I’m ashamed to say this, but I started going home with
different men, doing what I had to do to get a bed and some food for the night,
sometimes I would be with a guy for a night, sometimes a month or more. This
went on for two years, and I lost track of how many men there were.

I hated myself during this time. I was so angry with my
family for deserting me, and I just wanted to stop thinking, and that led to
drinking, which then led to drugs, nothing in particular – just whatever the
guy I was with would give me or whatever I could get my hands on to make me feel
numb for a while.

I was out of it for so long that I didn’t know up from
down, let alone what day of the week it was. That was, until a day when I was
17- I was in a rare sober moment, when I started getting terrible abdominal
pain accompanied by bleeding before I was rushed to hospital having now idea
what was going on.

Later that day, I realised the monster I had become when
I delivered a baby girl. She was so tiny Elliot, and she was all blue. I didn’t
even know I was pregnant, and I didn’t know whose she was – how bad is that?
What kind of a person doesn’t know those things? – I held her in my arms,
horrified by what I had done and promised that I would never abuse another
substance again.

I called her Phoenix because I had to believe that she
would be born again to another mother who would be far better to her than I
could ever have been.

My tattoo is a constant reminder of what I did, I killed
my baby Elliot. I was so bent on destroying my life because of my anger towards
my family that I destroyed the life of a tiny girl who’s only failing was
choosing my womb to carry her.

I’m so sorry that I didn’t tell you sooner. I’m so sorry
that I let our relationship get to this point, and I’m so sorry I had to tell
you in a letter. I simply wasn’t strong enough to tell you to your face.

I love you Elliot Roberts. I will hold the time we had
together close to my heart for the rest of my life. It was absolutely perfect
to me – every moment - you need to know that.

Please don’t come back for me Elliot, don’t try to find
me. I don’t deserve to be loved, not after what I did – I should never have led
you on and for that I am truly sorry.

So please forget about me Elliot, forget about us. You
deserve love, you deserve a life that is so much more wonderful than anything
we could possibly have had together. If you do anything for me, please let it
be that.

Good bye Elliot.

Yours forever,

Paige xxx

I cover my face with my hands as my tears flow freely, I
haven’t cried since I was a kid but right now, these great wracking sobs are
escaping my body. Frantically, I grab for my phone; I need to speak to her. I
need to tell her that the past is the past. I need to tell her that it wasn’t
her fault - drugs do shit things to people, and most of all I need to tell her
I love her. I don’t care what she did. I don’t care.

I call and I call, and I get her voice mail over and over
again. I plead with her. I beg her to come back and see me. I promise her that
I’ll come back for her, that she doesn’t have to be alone.

When I look at the clock and realise I need to leave for the
airport, I pitch my phone as hard as I can against the floor, smashing the
screen and rendering it unusable.

“How is she going to call you back if your phone is broken,”
Naomi asks quietly from the doorway. She's been watching me all day. I think
I’ve scared her.

I crouch upon the ground to pick up the remains of my phone
and shake my head. “She’s not calling me back,” I say quietly, completely
defeated.

She comes over to me and wraps her arms around my shoulders,
hugging me tightly. “I’m so sorry Elliot, I could tell how much you loved her.”

“Love her, Naomi. I love her.”

I haven’t stopped crying since I left the flat, and the fact
that Elliot keeps calling me is making it so much harder to stay away from him.
Surely, he can’t still want me after reading my confession. How could he
possibly want someone so selfish that they killed their own baby? Not to
mention how I’ve treated him, it’s just not possible.

With shaking hands, I take my phone and dial my voicemail.
He has left so many messages, and I desperately need to hear his voice.

The first message I hear is from my mother, I still haven’t
listened to them. She’s starting with some sob story that I can’t focus on
right now. I skip all of hers and then stop breathing when Elliot’s strained
voice fills my ears. He sounds so tormented, and I hate myself even more than I
thought I possibly could.

“Paige, please come back, we can work this out. I don’t care
what you did, I love you Paige.
Please
Paige, please come back with me.”

Each message after that is along a similar vein, and each
message tears my heart a little further open. God, what have I done?

Naomi drives me to the airport and stays silently by my side
as I check in. It’s nice that she cares, but I really want to be alone right
now. I thank her for her help when I go to line up for my security check, and
she reluctantly leaves.

“Keep in touch Elliot, ok?” she says.

All I do is nod my head; I'm feeling too numb right now to
care about keeping in touch with anyone.

I can’t believe I did this to him. I can’t believe I’m
sending him home without saying good-bye. I race through the airport, searching
for his face above the crowd, frantically weaving through people I don’t even
really see.

But when someone stands in front of me, blocking my path, I
‘m forced to pause my search and focus on the face in front of me.

“Paige!” says Naomi.

“Where is he? I need to say good-bye, I need to say I’m
sorry,” I say frantically, looking over her head for him.

“So you’re still not going back with him?” she asks calmly.
Aggravation flares inside me, she’s not answering my question.

“Naomi!
Where is he?
” I hiss, I can’t see him around
her, and I’m starting to panic that I’m too late.

“He’s already gone through,” she tells me quietly. I can’t
get to him now without my ticket and passport, and I didn’t bring them with me.
I knew that if I had them when I saw him, I’d get on that plane and never look
back.

“No! no, no, no!” I call out, my hands in my hair, clutching
at my now throbbing head. I pull my phone out of my pocket and start to call
him, maybe he can come back out?

“His phone is broken, he ah, smashed it when you wouldn’t
answer,” she says.

It’s then that a sickness I’ve been fighting all day rises
up from inside me and spews out of my mouth.

“Paige!” I hear Naomi’s hysterical plea as my knees buckle,
and I slide into blackness.

I can’t sleep, not even for a second, on the plane. Every
time I close my eyes, I see her face. So I spend a full day flying and staring
at the vacant seat beside me hoping that she’ll somehow materialise next to me.

Life is so shit sometimes. Being trapped on a plane with
nothing but your thoughts for company causes you to run through every emotion
possible. At first, I was upset that she wasn’t with me, then I was angry that
she didn’t trust me to understand, then I tried to put myself in her life, so I
could understand why she’d think that way.

One thing was very clear to me when I got off that plane – I
need to go back. I don’t care what Paige did in her past, I only care about
what she does in her future, and I will do everything in my power to make sure
that future is with me.

My mother is waiting for me when I exit the terminal. I attempt
to look happy as she’s smiling and waving at me excitedly. I can see her
looking around me because she’s expecting to see Paige with me.

As I get closer, I see the realisation dawn on her face, I
shake my head. “She’s not here,” I say flatly.

She immediately pulls me to her, hugging me tightly.
“Welcome home, sweetheart,” she says before she holds me at arm’s length and
looks into my face, searching my expression. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Shaking my head, I let out an exasperated sigh. “I’m so
angry right now mum, but I need to go back; I need to go back now.”

My mother sighs as she reaches up and cups my face in her
hands. “You can’t go back now. You'd never get through customs - they’d send
you straight back home. But we’ll get you back as soon as we can.”

I’m aware that I can’t go straight back as a tourist after
working there for three months, they’d suspect me of trying to work without a
visa and refuse me entry. I feel so powerless right now. I wish it was as easy
jumping on a plane and going back to her, but it’s not. I’m going to have to
apply again. I'm going to have to do this right or risk never being able to
return.

Trying to keep my breathing steady I hug my mother and draw
as much comfort from her as I can. It doesn’t matter how old you get. A hug
from your mother always helps.

She drives me back to my place and walks me inside, trying
to make some small talk about things that have happened while I’ve been gone.

I know I’m not answering her properly, but I can’t right
now. I feel so helpless in my own destiny at the moment, the woman I love is on
the other side of the world and there’s nothing I can do but wait.

I collapse in exhaustion on my couch as my mother brings me
a cup of coffee and some cake she’s brought around.

“I put some meals in the fridge for you, just to try and
help you get through the jetlag so you don’t have to worry about cooking or
shopping,” she tells me.

I reach over to her and give her arm a gentle squeeze as
thanks as I stare out the window.

“Elliot…what happened?”

I squeeze my eyes shut and take a breath before I answer.
“She left me.”

“Do you want to tell me why, did something happen?”

Sitting up I place my mug on the coffee table in front of
me. “Nothing happened mum. She's just had a really shitty life and has got it
in her head that no one could love her once they know her whole story.”

My mother regards me quietly, taking a sip of her tea before
speaking, “But you obviously do.”

“Yes mum, I do. I know everything, and I don’t care. I love
her so much it hurts me; it hurts so much.”

She comes over and sits behind me, taking my hand in hers.
“You do what you need to do Elliot. I’ll do whatever I can to help you get back
to her.”

I nod my head and stare at her hand on mine. Everything just
hurts so much right now, like there’s this hollow pit inside of me that is
tearing at my soul. It’s horrible.

“I’m worried about you Elliot, perhaps I should stay – I’ll
give Steve a ring and let him know I won’t be home,” mum says as she searches
through her bag for her phone.

“No mum, I’m fine – I just need to sleep. You can go. Tell
Steve I said ‘hi', and I’ll call you tomorrow ok?”

Looking at me with worried eyes, my mother withdraws her
hand from her back, letting out a heavy sigh. “Alright sweetheart, but if you
haven’t called me by midday, I’ll come hunting for you,” she threatens
half-heartedly.

I thank her for everything and kiss her good-bye before I go
and collapse onto the couch, my feet hanging over the end. I can’t even be
bothered making it to the bedroom.

Despite my exhaustion, I lie there for almost an hour,
unable to sleep. Grabbing my keys, I get into my car and head to the bottle
shop where I pick up some wild turkey, take it home and drink it straight from
the bottle. What the fuck to I care about a glass right now?

I obviously have a need to punish myself because I pull my
damaged phone out of my bag and plug it into my laptop, downloading all the
data off it. I spend the rest of the night sitting on the couch, getting
thoroughly smashed, as I flick through the images of Paige and me in London.
When I land on the one of her in the hotel room, when she let me take a picture
of her back, I stare at it for a long time. It’s the last one I took when
everything between us was perfect. I fucking knew something was up all week; I
should have pushed her to talk to me – we could have sorted this out.

I pull my sim card out of the broken phone and put it inside
an old one, scrolling through the contacts until I come to her number. Everyone
knows you shouldn’t drunk dial, but when you’re drunk, you really don’t give a
shit about stuff like that. I reach for my landline phone and dial. It takes a
little while to connect but when her voice fills my ears, I can hardly speak.

My phone flashes the word ‘international’ as it rings
causing my heart to lodge itself firmly in my chest. I grab for it, needing to
talk to him one last time – who else could it possibly be? “Hello?” I say down
the line, “Elliot? Is that you?”

“It’s me,” he says back, his voice sounds strange; it's
slurred.

“Have you been drinking?”

He sighs, “What does it matter Paige?”

He’s right. I feel instantly bad for questioning him. “I’m
sorry Elliot. I'm so so sorry, are you ok?”

“How could I possibly be ok Paige?”

Tears sting my eyes as I start to cry, it feels like his
pain is pouring into me over the telephone. “I’m sorry,” is all I can say.

“Just tell me you love me Paige. I just want to hear you say
it.”

“I love you Elliot,” I force out through my tears. “With
every fibre of my being, I love you.”

I hear him sigh. I can hear breathing that is thick with
emotion. My chest hurts; it's so painful being connected to him when he’s so
far away.

“I’m coming back for you Paige.”

“Don’t Elliot, please don’t - this can’t work.”