50 Ways to Play (8 page)

45. Pornography

Pornography can be used in BDSM sexplay in a variety of ways. A dominant can force his or her submissive to watch porn, either while performing a sexual act or while being brought to orgasm. It can also fulfill a fetish for voyeurism (see
#24
and
#37
), as partners can imagine they are watching another couple have sex. For many couples, watching pornography
with a BDSM theme gives them ideas and gets them in the mood for sex. Some will even reenact their favorite scenes or activities. Still other couples will play pornography in the background of their own BDSM scene. The sights are stimulating and the sounds, especially with the volume cranked, are perfect mood music.

Keep in mind, however, that not all pornography is created alike. You’ll
want to make sure that what you choose is on the couple-friendly side, since much pornography is geared solely for male pleasure and the visuals can make even the most stoic woman want to take out her eyeballs and wash them in the sink. That being said, don’t be afraid to push your boundaries and err on the kinky side. You can fast-forward the scenes that do more harm than good.

Newcomers
to BDSM-themed pornography must tread particularly lightly. Read some online reviews and/or research the production company that made the film before you purchase or download it. Generally speaking, you’ll have much better luck with professional BDSM-themed adult movies than you will with amateur online videos. There is a lot of hard-core BDSM material that mainstream couples will find offensive
and the Web is teeming with it. This may include severe elements of humiliation or degradation, pain or mutilation, forced sex and the use of body fluids. Remember: BDSM doesn’t have to be gross to be good.

46. Erotica

Written erotica, particularly BDSM-themed erotica, is a great alternative to pornography. It has exceptional fantasy value, initiates arousal in women and men alike, encourages erotic escapism and stirs the sexual imagination of both partners. There is also less chance that a woman who is new to BDSM will be offended by written erotica than visual pornography.
In practice, a dominant can force a submissive to read an erotic story as a form of foreplay.

47. BDSM & Defamiliarization

Defamiliarization is an artistic device that compels a person to see a familiar item—whether a bicycle or a human body—in an unfamiliar way. In so doing, it can make an item seem new, exciting and enticing. BDSM players try to defamiliarize their partner’s body, and the act of sex itself, to make both feel novel and exhilarating. This is why so
much of the BDSM culture is visual and tactile—those latex dresses, leather handcuffs and rubber whips have a purpose. These elements come together to create an atmosphere of erotic escapism, where partners can forget their everyday worries and distractions, and wholly immerse themselves in the sexual experience. It’s as good for the spirit as it is for the body.

To ensure that BDSM sexplay
doesn’t become routine, predictable or boring, couples should continuously try to add new, unexpected elements to the experience. Changing the “little things” can have big effects on arousal. Here are a few tips to get you thinking:

• Replace the white lightbulb in your bedroom or bedside lamp with a red bulb. This will cast a luxuriously sensual glow in the room. You can also cover the
  lamp shade with differently colored fabrics.
  
• Unless you and your partner have a ritualistic room for BDSM play (see
  #22
  ), occasionally take the action to different parts of your house. A submissive can be restrained to the kitchen table or the ottoman in the living room too. You can even enjoy a BDSM scene in the car.
  
• Change something about your body, whether it is the appearance of
  your pubic hair or the type of perfume or cologne you wear. You can also apply a temporary tattoo or false body piercing to make your body seem unfamiliar to your partner.
  
• Put deep red satin sheets on your bed. Satin sheets feel much different to the naked body than more common material like cotton or flannel.
  
• If you normally have sex in silence, crank up the volume and play some loud
  music.
  

48. A BDSM (Romantic?) Getaway

All couples recognize the value of regular romantic getaways. Couples who practice BDSM recognize their value all the more. In fact, BDSM weekend getaways are a characteristic of the culture. An anonymous hotel room is the perfect backdrop to kinky pleasure, and the liberating sense of traveling incognito can help dissolve sexual inhibitions.

When choosing a destination, look for a hotel or resort of the type that doesn’t cater to families or sports teams that stampede the halls at all hours. Nothing can break a kinky mood as fast as somebody’s toddler yelling and jumping on the bed in an adjacent room. Ask for a room that is far away from the pool. You don’t want to listen to the shrill shrieks of water fights all night, and pool
patrons probably don’t want to hear the shrieks from your room, either. Many hotels, including very fine ones, have mirrors over the bed. This allows you to incorporate mirrors (see
#44
) into BDSM sexplay in a way that looks a lot like live pornography (see
#45
).

You should also request a room with a large jet or Jacuzzi tub and a steam shower to accommodate aqua sex and/or fantasy play (see
# 29). A king-sized bed goes without saying. You might also want to request that the window in your room face a wall or a quiet street. Many couples on a BDSM retreat like to open the curtains to incorporate elements of voyeurism and exhibitionism (see
#24
) into sexplay.

If you’re traveling by car, pack a suitcase of your favorite BDSM gear and sex toys (see
#29
) and hit the road. If you’re
traveling by air, you may want to leave your stash at home and hit a local sex shop instead. You can also have online shipments mailed directly to the hotel to await your arrival. Air travel is stressful enough nowadays without trying to explain your nipple clamps to a cheerless customs officer, or having your e-stim kit land you on a no-fly list.

49. The Softer, Soapier Side of BDSM

Sexual fantasies offer an easy, effective way for couples to indulge in erotic escapism (see
#47
). Fantasies and role-plays can reinforce respective positions as dominant and submissive, and provide a powerful backdrop to BDSM sexplay. Force fantasies involving bondage and physical restraint have already been discussed (see
#9
and
#27
); however, there is also a mental element to domination, submission (see
#2
) and sexual fantasy. A good dominant is able to restrain a submissive’s body without ropes, handcuffs or other bondage gear.

To indulge in a softer sexual fantasy that exploits the mental element of domination and control, a female dominant can replicate the XXX experience of a full-service massage parlor for her
submissive male. She is the masseuse and he is the client who is about to get the massage of his life. The catch? There is a strict “hands off” policy at this massage parlor, meaning that he cannot touch her or move in any way. He can only lie back and be serviced. She is in control.

Body shampooing is a service offered in many full-service, albeit less reputable, massage parlors. It adds
a sexy, sudsy twist to the classic male fantasy where a sensual massage turns sexual. During a body shampoo, the masseuse first soaps up her naked body and then the body of her client. This may be done on a special water massage table, an air mattress on the floor or in a steamy shower room. She then “washes” him to orgasm by spreading the soap over his body, lathering up his genitals, squeezing
his scrotum and stroking his shaft. He can only watch and feel, keeping his hands at his sides until he cannot stop himself from climaxing.

A female dominant can easily play out this control fantasy at home: all she needs is a shower and a sudsy, non-irritating body wash or shampoo. To incorporate delayed gratification (see
#3
), she can use a detachable showerhead to rinse the soap off his
genitals at regular intervals. When she stops stroking to do this, she breaks the rhythm he needs to orgasm. The dominant/masseuse should also regularly remind her submissive/client that she is in control of his orgasm (see
#28
), and that he cannot move a muscle. He will climax only when she provides the soapy, sustained friction he needs to orgasm.

Body sliding is a similar practice to body
shampooing. Here, a masseuse slicks up her and her client’s body with a special body sliding gel or oil, lays him on an air mattress, and then proceeds to slide and glide over, under and around his body, “massaging” his genitals with her breasts and ultimately bringing him to orgasm. Body sliding kits that come complete with instructions, gel and a waterproof sheet are available in sex shops and
online. This kinky adult slip-and-slide provides the type of high-sensory sex that BDSM is famous for—with none of the rope burn.

A male dominant can also play the part of the controlling masseur. To bring focus and a twist to this fantasy, he can instruct his female submissive to wear pasties on her nipples (see
#15
). With warm massage oil in hand, he can lay her back on the bed and—ordering
her to keep her hands at her sides—he can begin to massage her breasts. Gradually, he can circle in to glide his well-oiled hands over the pasties. When she is aroused, he can slowly peel off each of the pasties in turn, and proceed to tease, tug at and squeeze her nipples until her body is squirming on the bed. Keeping one hand at her breasts to stimulate her nipples, he can use his other hand
to finger her genitals, making her climax when he desires it.

This fantasy’s soft and slow pace, combined with the intensely erotic control exercised by the masseur, makes it an ideal role-play for women who need to segue into stronger BDSM elements. It also provides a sensual break from the rougher stuff. Beware too much of a good thing.

50. Aftercare

BDSM sexplay can be a mentally and physically exhausting experience. It is absolutely essential that partners care for each other afterward. Men in the role of dominants must be especially careful to comfort and reassure their female partner. For some couples, aftercare involves cuddling and talking to reaffirm the feelings of love between them. For others,
aftercare is more about postcoital giggling as they pack up their handcuffs, penis rings and butt plugs. A shared laugh is often more bonding than an embrace.

Still other couples will engage in sexual intercourse as aftercare: for them, BDSM is merely an edgy form of foreplay, while penetrative sex remains a more tender aspect of their relationship. Every loving couple who plays with BDSM
should make meaningful aftercare a regular part of their sex life. They should also “debrief” each other—and immediately after sex might not be the best time to do this—to see what they liked and didn’t like about the experience.

Many aspects of BDSM can bring novelty, erotic excitement and intense sexual pleasure to a couple’s love life. After all, the couple that plays together stays together.
It’s a practice that is far more widespread than you might think, too. Chances are, your dentist has a dungeon in his basement, your squeaky-clean neighbors get dirty after dark and your boss’s backside is still red from the spanking he took last night. Don’t be fooled by appearances. The ropes and whips of BDSM play might make it look like a subculture, but much of it falls well within the
boundaries of mainstream sexuality. That’s good news. It means that even nice people like you can kink it up a notch.

A
BOUT THE
A
UTHORS

DON
AND
DEBRA MACLEOD
are the husband-and-wife authors of
Lube Jobs: A Woman’s Guide to Great Maintenance Sex
,
Lip Service: A His & Hers Guide to the Art of Oral Sex and Seduction
, and
The French Maid: And 21 More Naughty Sex Fantasies to Surprise and Arouse Your Man
. Their books have been covered widely in newspapers such as the
New York Times
and
USA Today
and been awarded “Best in Bed” by
Women’s Health
magazine.

In her various capacities as a marriage and divorce mediator, a couples’ communication and conflict resolution specialist, as well as a relationship author and expert contributor to leading media,
Debra
has helped thousands of couples resolve their problems and improve their relationships. For more information, visit her website:
debramacleod.com.