50 Ways to Play (4 page)

20. The Sounds of Sex

BDSM can be a rough game. Loud groans, shrieks of pleasurable pain and heavy breathing should fill the room (or dungeon, as the case may be). A submissive who is being “taken” by a dominant can intensify the experience for both players by uttering pained, muffled moans or screaming. A dominant should let his or her vocal gasps, groans and grunts complement
the slapping of his or her body against the submissive. Much BDSM gear is designed to add an auditory element to sex: paddles, whips, chains and even latex clothing all bring a distinct sound to sexplay.

21. A Public Power Play

Erotic domination isn’t restricted to the bedroom or BDSM dungeon. To maximize the allure and impact of the power imbalance between partners, couples may wish to occasionally play outside. This is an adventurous way to engage in BDSM foreplay.

Happily, modern sex toy technology can keep a public power play as discreet as it is decadent. To play
in this way, the dominant male partner should purchase a remote-controlled bullet vibrator for his female submissive (see
#29
). He should invite his partner out for dinner, but insist that she slip the small vibrator inside her body first. He, of course, will keep the remote control. During dinner, the dominant should play with the controls at his pleasure, subjecting his submissive to unexpected
bursts of intense genital stimulation. Not only will the submissive’s body be randomly incapacitated and involuntarily aroused by the vibration, but the dominant can revel in the power he exerts over his partner, even—perhaps especially—in public.

A remote-controlled “strap-on” bullet vibrator attaches to a woman’s panty and stimulates the clitoris. Worn outside her body, it is an alternative
to an internal bullet vibrator. When choosing either item, look for a cordless model with quiet functioning and good range.

22. BDSM Rituals

In BDSM play, rituals are often performed to help partners transition from their regular roles as spouses, parents, workers and so on, and into their BDSM roles as dominant and submissive. Rituals can also help couples clear their heads of day-to-day distractions, so that they can immerse themselves in the experience and thus fully enjoy the erotic escapism
of BDSM sexplay. Rituals can also serve as a form of foreplay by increasing sexual anticipation.

Rituals should be tailored to a couple’s preferences and lifestyle. Some dominants may instruct their submissive to wear a certain item of clothing during the day, such as a specific pair of underwear or a pair of handcuffs under a long-sleeved shirt, so that sex stays on the submissive’s brain
during his or her workday. A dominant may also order a submissive to prepare a specific meal or shave/trim his or her pubic hair in a certain way. Other couples may exchange X-rated email or texts to spark arousal (see
#19
). Still others may share a shower or bath together. Some female dominants will paint their nails deep red or purple to foreshadow BDSM play, thus sending a silent but ritualistic
message to the submissive.

23. What Should I Wear?

Because of its striking visual impact, BDSM clothing can bring an extra sense of novelty to sexplay. A female dominant or submissive may want to wear high heels, stockings and a garter, a snug corset or even a saucy catsuit. Open-crotch panties, adhesive nipple covers (also called pasties) and open or cupless bras can visually arouse any man, dominant
or submissive.Warning: There are no lace, frills or rose-petal designs allowed in BDSM. You’re a dominatrix, not a doily. More vamp, less Victoria’s Secret.

A male dominant or submissive can wear a variety of boxers, briefs and G-strings that are designed to emphasize his erection. Women are constantly inundated with shiny images of augmented breasts, some lifted to such dizzying heights
by anti-gravitational push-up bras that NASA could strap one of these puppies onto an astronaut and use it to simulate zero gravity. BDSM briefs for men, with their bulge-enhancing black latex, finally give the fairer sex some erotic eye candy.

BDSM clothing can also bring added tactile enjoyment to sexplay. Leather, PVC, latex and even rubber clothing can all feel exquisitely sensual to
both the wearer and his or her partner. Much of it is snug in just the right places. Many dominants delight in the feel of a submissive’s latex-clad body and such attire can help a submissive stay in character. Men’s underwear that is designed for the BDSM scene often adds feel-good friction to the genital area.

Uniforms can also be worn during BDSM play to enhance fantasy role-plays. To
complement a dungeon fantasy, a female dominant may wish to wear the classic dominatrix “discipline” corset dress, while her male submissive wears a latex jock. To enhance a racy prostitute fantasy, the female player may prefer to wear a PVC vamp dress while her client wears a suit and tie.

24. Voyeurism & Exhibitionism

Voyeurism (a desire to watch an unsuspecting person undress and have sex) and exhibitionism (a desire to be watched as you undress or have sex) often play a part in BDSM. To engage the control dynamics of BDSM sexplay, a dominant may order a submissive to perform a sexual act in public. Obviously, this type of game should be extremely discreet
and more fantasy than reality. For example, a female dominant might instruct her male submissive to stroke his genitals while driving on a deserted street, while a male dominant may tell his female submissive to expose her breasts. This rouses a sense of exhibitionism in a risk-free way.

To play with the idea of voyeurism, some BDSM couples will attend strip or peep shows. Unlike pornography,
this real-time, real-world experience has a greater element of voyeurism to it. A toned-down alternative is to visit online chat rooms and watch “live sex” via webcams. You only have to Google “webcam sex” and you’ll have a thousand to choose from. Again, the real-time quality of webcam sex rooms has a decidedly voyeuristic quality to it. To include a control component, the dominant may order
his or her submissive to perform the same sex acts as the on-screen performers.

25. Erotic Humiliation

While not for everyone, erotic humiliation is a part of BDSM sexplay for some couples. It is considered “edgeplay,” the kind of activity that many players believe pushes the BDSM boundaries of Safe, Sane and Consensual (SSC). It can involve anything from making a person perform an embarrassing act in public to insulting their body. Mainstream couples
may wish to use elements of humiliation in private and respectful play only, such as ordering a submissive to perform a sexual act or to masturbate (see
#26
).

26. BDSM & Self-Pleasuring

Playing with power is a real turn-on. Dominants relish the idea of being in total control of a submissive, often ordering the submissive to perform sexual acts that he or she might not normally do. It’s part power trip, part sexual novelty.

Watching a woman masturbate is a favorite male fantasy, so it is no small wonder this adult daydream
finds its way into the BDSM world. A male dominant will often instruct a female submissive to masturbate for his viewing pleasure. He may ask her to use a dildo (see
#29
) or just her fingers. He may choose to walk her through the process step-by-step, instructing her how and when to touch her clitoris, caress her breasts and body, and slide a finger inside her vagina. To raunch things up, he might
restrain her in the spread-eagle position (see
#5
) and have her grind her genitals against his leg or hand until she reaches orgasm. The combination of her arousal and helplessness has great erotic impact.

A male dominant can also slide a rabbit-style vibrator (see
#29
) inside the vagina of his bound female submissive, turn it on, and watch her writhe in restrained sexual agony until she
climaxes, almost against her will. The dominant may at times remove the vibrator, or pull it out just enough that his submissive has to desperately twist and turn to push it back inside her body. This can be an excruciatingly erotic game to play (see
#28
).

A male dominant may wish to apply a pair of nipple clamps (see
#15
) to his spread-eagle submissive to increase the involuntary onslaught
of pleasure that she receives. Flogging her breasts or pubic area with a tasseled whip (see
#13
) can make her squirm even more to compound the dominant’s sense of sexual power. Again, this is a potent sight that few men get to see and a BDSM scene can bring it to sexy life.

Many female dominants similarly revel in the idea of ordering a male submissive to masturbate. Male masturbation is
something that most women rarely see, so the sense of sexual novelty can be particularly profound for the fairer sex. For whatever reason, a woman watching a man self-pleasure is more taboo than the other way around. If a man is hesitant to perform in this way, immersing himself in the role of the submissive can help him release his inhibitions and enjoy his partner’s response.

To set this
scene, the female dominant should sit her male submissive in a high-backed chair. She should bind his ankles to the legs of the chair, and then wrap a rope (see
#6
) around his chest to tie at the back of the chair, thus restraining him in the chair in the upright position. She can leave one or both of his hands free, depending on her preference. She should then give her submissive a handful of
warming personal lubricant (see
#29
) and order him to start stroking.

If she wishes, the female dominant can instruct her submissive to use a male masturbation toy (see
#29
and
#30
). She may order him to stroke himself to climax, or she might make him stop when he is close to coming (see
#28
) so that she can continue to use him for her pleasure.

While self-pleasuring has great value
as an element of BDSM sexplay, it has an added bonus—it gives partners the opportunity to showcase precisely how they like to be touched. Not only is masturbation a sight to behold, it offers a lesson to be learned.

27. Rough Sex & Force Fantasies

BDSM sexplay is not a leisure sport. It is not uncommon for players to work up a sweat, lose their breath, feel their hearts race or come away with a few raunchy forget-me-nots, from rope-burned wrists and reddened buttocks to pleasantly sore genitals and aching muscles. Playing with the idea of sexual power and control is not for timid, unimaginative
or lazy lovers. This is tough sex, not tantric sex.

As such, it isn’t uncommon for BDSM to include features of rough sex and force fantasies. These may be relatively mild restraint fantasies (see
#9
) or more intense fantasies involving a greater degree of force, domination, bondage and resistance. As these types of fantasies intensify in content, so too does the physicality of sexplay between
partners.

Rough sex fantasies are appealing to both men and women and do not indicate a desire to rape or be raped. For men, they are indulgent and escapist and lead to a potent rush of raw power. He is going to take
what
he wants,
when
he wants it,
how
he wants it and as
much
as he wants it. And no, he
isn’t
going to put the cat out first, damn it.

For women, force fantasies often fulfill
a need to be so intensely desired by a man that he cannot stop himself from ravishing her. He might be a medieval knight on horseback or a powerful but lonely businessman with a hole in his soul—a hole that can only be filled by her. The man knows it’s wrong, he knows he should stop, but his loins are quivering with hot desire and his manhood is swelling to stallion proportions in anticipation
of sinking into the sweet warmth of her . . . Well, you get the picture. This theme is a prevailing one in formulaic romance novels, often called “bodice-rippers.”

When performed in a consensual, informed and safe way, force fantasies are a healthy part of a normal sex life and can fulfill the private desires of both partners. They do, however, require an advance discussion about limits and
a safe word (see
#2
).

Common force fantasies in the BDSM world involve kidnap, confinement in a bedroom or dungeon, and forced sexual acts including intercourse and oral sex. They usually involve bondage and restraint on a bed or another piece of furniture (see
#5
to
#7
and
#34
) or a suspension device (see
#8
). There may also be an element of psychological force (see
#4
), where the dominant
“forces” the submissive to disrobe or perform a sex act against her or his will.

To intensify the arousing effects of bondage and force, the dominant may wish to blindfold the submissive and add elements of sensory deprivation (see
#10
) into the BDSM scene via a hood or a mouth gag. The use of spanking toys (see
#12
) and flogging instruments (see
#13
) can also add to the physicality of the
scene.

When it comes to force fantasies, both men and women can be dominants. If a female dominant wants to assault her submissive in this way, she should first restrain him spread-eagle to the bed (see
#5
). She may then fellate him to erection or use a warming lube to make him hard. She can add a penis ring and coax him toward involuntary climax with her hands or she can blindfold him and
use a real or makeshift male masturbation toy (see
#29
and
#30
) to make him come against his will without ever showing him what the device on his erection really is.

28. Orgasm Control

The dominant’s ability to have total and complete control over the sexual arousal and activities of the submissive is a central principle of BDSM sexplay. But it doesn’t end there—a dominant should also have control over when and how the submissive will orgasm. This involves a mix of physical domination (see
#2
) and mental domination (see
#4
) over the submissive.
More often than not, orgasm control relies on delayed gratification (see
#3
) to prolong and ultimately intensify final release.

At its simplest, a dominant may control the submissive’s orgasm by verbally instructing him or her how and when to climax. To spice it up, a dominant can “tie and tease” the submissive (see
#33
). The submissive may be restrained to the bed, a chair or other piece
of furniture (see
#5
to
#7
) or from an actual or makeshift suspension device, whether a shower curtain rod or door jam cuffs (see
#8
). He or she may also be bound by rope (see
#34
).

The female dominant can toy with her male submissive’s erection and level of arousal by subjecting his genitals to fellatio (see
#41
), brief periods of vaginal penetration and the distinct sensations of a variety
of sex toys (see
#29
and
#30
). To treat him to erotic torture (see
#33
), she can repeatedly bring him to the very threshold of orgasm, and then back off—a practice called “edging.”

Similarly, the male dominant can stimulate his female submissive’s genitals and edge her to the brink of orgasm and back via cunnilingus and fingering (see
#38
and
#40
), and periods of vaginal penetration using
different thrusts, speeds and depths to maximize sensation (see
#36
). He can also use a selection of sex toys (see
#29
) for maximum erotic impact.

By using a number of different tools and techniques on the submissive’s body, the dominant is able to assault the submissive’s body with shards of sexual stimulation, while simultaneously preventing him or her from building the momentum needed
for orgasm. This can prolong the BDSM experience for both partners. When the dominant wants the submissive to climax, he or she should continue to use the same strokes and stimulation, so that the submissive can reach the sexual crescendo. The dominant may also want to verbally communicate that it is time for the submissive to orgasm.

If desired, the dominant can choose to engage in mutual
climax, where both partners reach orgasm at the same time. Partners who achieve mutual orgasm have great insight into each other’s sexuality and arousal cycles, and this isn’t a goal that is easily achieved.

While orgasm control is a powerful element of BDSM, dominants must beware the “ruined orgasm.” If the submissive is brought to the edge of orgasm too many times, or if he or she experiences
an ill-timed orgasm (for example, when the dominant has ceased genital stimulation), the submissive’s orgasm will be unsatisfying. To avoid the ruined orgasm, the dominant must be keenly aware of where the submissive is in his or her arousal cycle.