4 - Valentine Princess (2 page)

ILUVROMANCE: For your first Valentine’s Day as a couple, you should give him SOMETHING. Like a book. Or a sweater.

FTLOUIE: A SWEATER??? DOES IT HAVE TO BE

CASHMERE???? Because I’m totally broke. I spent all my allowance on new vegan Doc lookalikes from Pangea.

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ILUVROMANCE: I was just using a sweater as an example. What about a CD?

FTLOUIE: Tina, he’s a MUSICIAN. When he wants a CD, he goes out and buys it.There’s nothing Michael wants that he doesn’t have. Except moon rocks. And I already got him those.

ILUVROMANCE: Well, there has to be SOMETHING. Look, I’ll think about it and get back to you. But I can’t stress enough to you how important this is, Mia. Especially in light of what Dr. Steve said. You have to make this first Valentine’s Day with Michael perfect,

or you’ll end up with Leo Boy. Whoever he is. Or, worse, you’ll end up alone. Like me. FTLOUIE: Tina! Don’t worry! Your Valentine is out there somewhere! We just have to find him for you. ILUVROMANCE: No, Mia, it’s all right. All the best guys are taken. I’m all right, really. I’m going to use Valentine Princess 9 17

this Valentine’s Day to celebrate my romance with ME. Because you have to learn to love yourself before you can truly love anyone else.

FTLOUIE: True!

Poor Tina. I HATE that stupid Dave. He better hope he doesn’t run into me anytime soon. Lars got a new taser for Christmas, and he’s been itching to try it out on someone.

God. Why does everything have to be so COMPLICATED? Just when I thought things were starting to go fine for a change, some stupid psychic has to come around and ruin it.

That is just so my luck.

And as usual, it’s all Grandmère’s fault. Why’d she have to go and hire a stupid astrologist anyway?

Why can’t she hire a chiropractor, like a normal grandma?

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Wednesday, February 12, Algebra

So I tried to be all subtle in the car on the way to school. You know, about the whole Valentine’s Day thing? After Michael and Lilly got into the limo—

and I got over how cute Michael looked with his neck all newly shaved and pink and gorgeous . . . God, it is totally UNFAIR that anyone should look that good in the morning—I was all, “So, Lilly. What are you and Boris doing for Valentine’s Day?” You know, super casually, and everything.

And Lilly was like, “Valentine’s Day? Are you on crack?”

“Um.” I wish Lilly wouldn’t ask me if I’m on crack in front of her brother. I mean, I know Michael knows I don’t use drugs. But it’s, like, totally rude. “No. It’s coming up, you know. Friday.”

I thought this was kind of sly, how I threw in that Valentine’s Day was on Friday, to kind

of remind Michael? Only I didn’t say it TO Michael. I said it to Lilly. So that was cool.

Valentine Princess 9 19

“I know when the fourteenth day of February falls, Mia,” Lilly said, all sarcastically. “What I meant was, since when do you celebrate a holiday that is essentially an invention of the greeting card and f loral industries, who got together one day and decided to devise yet another holiday to make the loveless feel bad?”

“Um,” I said again. “Actually, Saint Valentine was a real priest who kept marrying soldiers even after the Roman emperor instructed him not to, because the emperor felt single men made better fighters. So the emperor had Valentine thrown in jail, where he fell in love with the prison keeper’s daughter, and wrote her love notes signed ‘Your Valentine,’ which is why today we send Valentines to our loved ones.”

“Um,” Lilly said, imitating me—and not in a very nice way—“actually, Valentine was just a man who helped hide Christians from the Romans, a crime for which he was discovered and then clubbed to death on February fourteenth.”

“Actually, you’re both wrong,” Michael said, 20 9 The Princess Diaries

looking amused. “Ancient Romans celebrated the goddess Juno on February fourteenth, and Lupercalia—a popular feast starting in the third century that honored the god Lupercus, protector of sheep from wolves—the next day. On the eve of the fifteenth, the names of boys and girls would be drawn, and they were supposed to be linked for the year.”

My boyfriend is so smart!!!!!!!!!! Also, his neck smells good. Not that I got to smell it until later, when we got out of the car. But when I did, it smelled good. REALLY good. I realize it’s just the pheromones Michael gives off that elevate the serotonin levels in my brain, thus making me feel all nice and relaxed when he’s around, like we learned in Bio. But I really, really like Michael’s pheromones. They are WAY better than some Leo Boy’s

pheromones. I’m sure of it.

“Later,” Michael went on, “Christian priests, in an attempt to rid the land of heathen practices, changed the name of the feast from Lupercalia to Valentine’s Day, and matched children’s names to saints, so they could try to emulate the life of the Valentine Princess 9 21

saint whose name they were paired with. But being paired up with a member of the opposite sex proved more popular.”

“God,” Lilly said. “I guess so. Would you want to have to go around emulating some guy who got clubbed and beheaded?”

“WHATEVER.” I couldn’t believe how the conversation had gotten sidetracked. “What are you and Boris doing to celebrate Valentine’s Day, Lilly?”

“I already told you,” Lilly said. “NOTHING. I don’t take part in barbaric pagan rituals. I’ve never celebrated Valentine’s Day. You know that, Mia. I mean, have I ever given you a Valentine? Except when some dumb teacher MADE us sit there and make Valentines, because it meant she could sneak off for half an hour to smoke while we were doing busywork, another example of how inferior our educational system is to the rest of the world’s?”

“Well.” I was genuinely shocked to hear all this.

“No. But I mean, this is your first Valentine’s Day with an actual boyfriend. Aren’t you even going to get Boris a card?”

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“And contribute some of my hard-earned income to the already burgeoning coffers of Hallmark, who by the way barely pay a living wage to the artists who work for them? Not likely.”

Which is when the limo pulled up, and we had to get out of the car.

But I wouldn’t let that daunt me. Because as we went into school, I said to Michael, “But you don’t feel that way about Valentine’s Day, do you, Michael? That it’s a barbaric pagan ritual?”

“What?” Michael looked amused. “No. But I agree that it’s become a gross commercial byproduct of the card manufacturing, f loral, and candy industries, and that the best way to protest that kind of materialism is to refuse to take part in it. Have fun in Algebra.”

Then he kissed me—causing my oxytocin levels to rise—and ran off to his own class.

I’m pretty sure when Tina hears about this, she isn’t going to take it as a good sign.

I mean about the Valentine’s thing. Not about my oxytocin levels.

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Wednesday, February 12,

Gifted and Talented

I was right! Today at lunch—which was the first time I got to talk to Tina all day—when I told her what Lilly and Michael said, she was like, “That’s bad, Mia.”

We were standing in the jet line to get Nutty Royales for dessert, while Lilly and everyone else were back at the lunch table. So it wasn’t like we had to worry about anyone overhearing us. Well, except other people in the lunch line. But there was no one behind us and the only person in front of us was the Guy Who Hates It When They Put Corn in the Chili, so that didn’t matter.

“I know,” I said. “But what am I supposed to do?

Michael’s a Valentine Hater.”

“You’ve got to cure him,” Tina said. “He may hate Valentine’s Day only because he’s never actually experienced a good one.”

“Neither have I,” I pointed out.

“That’s all the more reason why you have to work 24 9 The Princess Diaries

to make this, your first Valentine’s Day together, the most special one ever.”

“But I told you, Tina,” I said, “I don’t have any money.”

“You don’t need to spend money to make a gift special,” Tina said. “That’s the part Lilly and Michael are right about. Don’t let the greeting card and candy companies—and jewelers and f lorists—

make you think that unless you purchase something spectacular for your loved one, you obviously don’t love them very much. Homemade gifts are more meaningful, because they truly come from the heart. Why don’t you make Michael a Valentine?”

“Oh, right,” I said. “You mean because I’m so crafty? Remember when I got that second-degree burn putting my tile in the oven at Our Name Is Mud? Besides, it’s going to be lame if I give him something and he doesn’t give me anything. It’s just going to make him think his girlfriend is so weak, she’s succumbed to the pressure of a commercial holiday.”

“No, it won’t,” Tina said, looking shocked. Valentine Princess 9 25

“He’ll think it’s sweet.”

It was right then that Lana Weinberger came up behind us in line, talking really loudly into her cell phone (even though we aren’t supposed to use them in school), going, “That’s right, Trish, it turns out I can’t make the concert Friday after all. Josh finally got his act together and asked me to go with him to One if by Land, Two if by Sea, you know, that former carriage house that’s been renovated into one of the most romantic restaurants in New York City? Yeah, he reserved the table by the fireplace so the two of us can snuggle. And his dad is making sure we get a bottle of Cristal. It’s going to be the most romantic Valentine’s Day ever.”

It was really hard not to throw up, but somehow Tina and I managed. At least until the Guy Who Hates It When They Put Corn in the Chili was like,

“Is there corn in this?” to the lady behind the hot food counter, and she was like, “Yes,” and the Guy Who Hates It When They Put Corn in the Chili was like, “Do you have any without corn in it?” and the lady behind the counter was like, “No,” and Lana, 26 9 The Princess Diaries

behind us, lowered her phone and was all, “OH MY

GOD, COULD THIS LINE BE GOING ANY

SLOWER?”

“God, Lana, relax,” I said. Because I really did feel badly for the the Guy Who Hates It When They Put Corn in the Chili, since he’d just been asking a question. “It’s not like your Zone bar is going to go bad while you wait,” since that was all she was buying.

To which Lana didn’t even bother replying, she just got back on her phone and was like, “God, I can’t WAIT until I’ve graduated and don’t have to spend all my time with so many CHILDREN,”

which, good luck to her, isn’t going to be for another three and a half years.

But that’s not even the worst part. The worst part is when I got to G and T, Boris was all, “Mia, come here,” when Lilly was busy showing Mrs. Hill the tiny prosthetic foot she made out of challah for a scene she’s shooting for this week’s episode of Lilly Tells It Like It Is (an exploration of self-mutilation in the pursuit of beauty in cultures throughout history, Valentine Princess 9 27

starting with foot binding in the T’ang Dynasty and leading up to breast augmentation in the modern U.S. adult entertainment field).

So I followed Boris into the supply closet, which is where we force him to practice because otherwise we all get headaches. I had actually never been in there before. But really, I don’t see what he’s complaining about all the time; it’s quite pleasant, except for the lack of natural light. And I happen to enjoy the smell of Pine-Sol.

“So I got this for Lilly for Valentine’s Day,”

Boris said, digging something out of his violin case.

“Do you think she’ll like it?”

And there, in his hand, was a small velvet box containing—

A genuine simulated ruby-encrusted heart pendant from Kay Jewelers, just like the one Tina had always wanted!

I have to say, the way it sparkled, as it caught the light from the single naked bulb hanging overhead, took my breath away.

“Boris,” I said, my heart weeping for him. 28 9 The Princess Diaries

Because, of course, I fully know what Lilly is getting him for Valentine’s Day: nothing. “It’s the most gorgeous necklace ever. She’ll LOVE it.”

“I hope so,” Boris said, looking embarrassed. “I mean, I know she doesn’t usually wear things like that. But I thought maybe that’s because no one has ever given her anything like this.”

I swear, this almost made me burst out crying.

WHO  KNEW  BORIS  PELKOWSKI  WAS

SUCH A ROMANTIC?????

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Wednesday, February 12, 4 p.m.,

limo on the way home from the Plaza

Today when I got to the Plaza, Grandmère was getting ready to go out, and when she saw me, she was like, “Oh, Amelia! I don’t have time today. Go home.”

Seriously. Nice way to be greeted by your grandmother, right?

“But what about princess lessons?” I wanted to know. I mean, we’re right in the middle of learning how to put on a sari, in the event I am ever gifted with one and have to wear it to a state dinner.

“No time,” Grandmère said, as she was drawing on her eyebrows. “Dr. Steve’s going to be on Larry King tonight, and I promised I’d go to the studio with him for moral support. He’s nervous, poor dear.”

“You’re going WITH him?” I demanded.

“Well, yes, of course,” Grandmère said. “Not everyone is used to having cameras and bright lights on them and giving interviews to journalists at the 30 9 The Princess Diaries

drop of a hat like we are, Amelia.”

I liked how she said we—because I will NEVER

get used to having cameras and bright lights on me, and I hate giving interviews. But still.

“Grandmère,” I said. I knew this was going to be touchy. Still, I felt a moral obligation to ask. “Aren’t you taking things with this Steve guy—”

“DR. Steve.”

“With this DR. Steve guy a little fast? I mean, you only just met him.” VIRGIN HAIR. That’s all I could think about. In 1977, when they finally knocked down Rasputin’s house, they found box after box of HAIR he’d hidden in the walls.

“Amelia.” Grandmère stopped rushing around for a minute to glare at me. “Dr. Steve is a genius. When a genius asks you for your help, of course you oblige him. As I’ve often told you, by spending time in the company of truly gifted people, you yourself will only grow and improve as a person, merely from the acquaintance.”