4 - Valentine Princess (4 page)

Charade—Pretty new widow Reggie discovers that her husband has stolen a fortune, and every cad in town—including Cary Grant—thinks she knows where he’s hidden it. Favorite scene: when Audrey Hepburn points at the cleft in Cary Grant’s chin and wonders aloud, “How do you shave in there?”

My Fair Lady—Pretty f lower seller Eliza Doolittle finds herself at the center of a love triangle between the professor who’s taught her how to act like a lady and the young gentleman who’s fallen Valentine Princess 9 49

in love with her. Favorite scene: when Audrey Hepburn goes to the ball.

Um, wow, Tina. That sounds like a pretty good marathon. But you do realize, don’t you, that all of those movies star Audrey Hepburn?

Of course! Why shouldn’t they? She’s the greatest star who ever lived!

Well! Good to know! And save some popcorn for me. I may just join you.

YAY!!!! I mean, it’s not that I WANT you and Michael to break up—I don’t want you to start going out with some Leo Boy we don’t even know. You and Michael were so meant for each other—

just like Justin and Britney!!!! But it will be more fun if you can come.

Thanks, Tina. I know what you mean. Aren’t Britney and Justin just the cutest? They really are 50 9 The Princess Diaries

so destined for each other. Sigh.

ODE  TO  MICHAEL

Oh, Michael, can’t you see

You and me were meant to be?

Just like Britney’s got her Justin

For you I will always be lustin’.

You’re the best I ever had—

I’m your Jennifer, you’re my Brad.

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Thursday, February 13,

limo on the way home from the Plaza

GRANDMÈRE IS MISSING!!!!

Princess lessons were canceled for the day because

NO  ONE  CAN  FIND  MY  GRANDMOTHER!

SHE’S BEEN DOWAGER-PRINCESSNAPPED!

Well, okay, not really. I mean, I don’t think anyone is holding her for ransom. Because if they were, we’d probably have heard from them already, begging us to please take her off their hands. I truly pity anyone who would try to kidnap Grandmère. First of all, they would probably choke to death from all the secondhand smoke. And if that didn’t finish them off, all the criticizing of their kidnapping technique would make them WISH they were dead.

“I have never seen such slipshod handling of an automatic weapon! What’s wrong with you? Do you take no pride in your work? A monkey would make a better kidnapper than you!”

Except that I’m pretty sure she hasn’t been kid52 9 The Princess Diaries napped. According to her maid, Dr. Steve came to fetch her after breakfast this morning, and the two of them have been gone all day.

But there’ve been periodic spottings: They were seen on the Today Show, being interviewed by Katie Couric about Dr. Steve’s prediction that Prince Charles will give up the throne in order to be allowed to marry Camilla Parker Bowles. And then later they showed up on Maury, where Dr. Steve correctly guessed that the real father of a girl named Tiffany’s baby was not her husband, Roy, but her husband’s son from a previous marriage, Jimmy. Dr. Steve then correctly guessed that Roy would punch Jimmy, which he promptly did.

I wonder if I should call my dad. I mean, this is just not normal. Not the incestuous nature of Tiffany’s love life, but the whole Grandmère thing. Grandmère NEVER misses a princess lesson, if she can help it. What other joys does she have in life, besides torturing me for two or three hours? Except for smoking and swilling Sidecars, of course? Oh, and shopping?

On the other hand, if I call Dad, he’ll just find Valentine Princess 9 53

some way to pry Grandmère away from Dr. Steve, and I’ll have princess lessons again. What am I, crazy? I don’t want to spend any more afternoons learning diplomatic protocol than I have to. But I kind of don’t want to just sit back and let Grandmère make a giant

fool of herself over a guy. Especially a guy who might turn out to be a SvengaliDavid Koresh-Fundamentalist-Mormon-Rasputin type. Remember what happened to the Romanov girls! And Grandmère doesn’t wear diamonds on her corsets like they did, so the bullets won’t exactly bounce off and ricochet around the room before finally nailing her in the forehead, like they did Anastasia.

Wow, this is, like, a real problem. I really have to think about it. Am I going to be unselfish and rat Grandmère out for her own good? Or selfish and just let her crash and burn?

Hmmmmm . . .

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Thursday, February 13, the loft

So I just asked Mom what she would do if a “friend”

was making a really bad mistake—would she mind her own business, or tell her what she thought?

And Mom was like, “Mia, is Lilly doing drugs?

What kind of drugs? Tell me now. You know, two girls down at NYU died last weekend from doing ecstasy—”

“Whoa. Mom. No. It’s not drugs.”

“Oh,” Mom says, blinking. “Well, then what kind of mistake do you mean?”

But by then I was so freaked I didn’t want to talk about it anymore. So I just told her Lilly was thinking about getting her nose pierced, and Mom was like, “Oh my God, that is so 1998,” and said she was surprised Lilly would do something so mainstream, but then observed that Lilly might actually look good with a little diamond in her nostril.

Parents. Seriously.

But then before I could escape to my room Mom was like, “What are you and Michael planning on Valentine Princess 9 55

doing tomorrow night for Valentine’s Day, honey?”

And I practically burst into tears.

I don’t know what came over me. You’d have thought I was the pregnant one.

Anyway, I guess she heard my voice break when I said, “Nothing. Michael doesn’t believe in Valentine’s Day,” since she said, all sympathetically,

“Well, just because he doesn’t believe in Valentine’s Day doesn’t mean you have to stop believing in it, too.”

And I was like, “Yeah, but if I give him a Valentine, he’s going to think I’m a giant dork.”

And Mom was all, “Oh, honey, Michael would never think anything you did was dorky. He adores you.”

“Yeah, but how lame is it to give a Valentine to someone you KNOW isn’t going to give you one back?”

“I don’t think it’s lame at all,” Mom said. “In fact, I think that’s what Valentine’s Day is all about—giving without expecting anything in return. That’s true love, if you ask me.”

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!!!!!!!!!

You know what? For once, I think my mom is right. I don’t care what Michael thinks—I’m giving him a Valentine. And if he laughs at me, he laughs at me.

But at least I’ll be doing what I want for a change, instead of what everyone EXPECTS from me. Valentine Princess 9 57

Friday, February 14, Algebra

I haven’t given it to him yet. I wanted to give it to him first thing this morning, in the limo. But stupid Lilly wouldn’t stop talking about how ninety percent of breast implants rupture over time, and how if you’re going to get breast implants you need to be prepared to periodically have them replaced or removed, like Pam Anderson.

Which isn’t exactly the kind of romantic setting you want when you are about to give

someone a Valentine you were up half the night making. Still, I’ve already gotten one Valentine—my mom got up early and made me heart-shaped pancakes! I couldn’t believe it.

And okay, maybe it is kind of pathetic that my only Valentine so far is from my mom.

But at least I’ve gotten one!

And I’ve given one, too . . . to Lars. It’s a card I bought at Ho’s Deli when he wasn’t looking. I couldn’t resist, because it has a picture of a heart holding an automatic rif le on the front, and then 58 9 The Princess Diaries

when you open it, it says, Valentine . . . I’m gunning for you! inside.

I don’t think I’m exaggerating when I say that Lars got a little teary-eyed over it. He may be six and a half feet of unadulterated, Israeli Army–trained muscle. But inside that size forty-four chest, my bodyguard is just a big softy.

I don’t know when I’m going to give Michael his Valentine. He has a make-up Computer Club meeting today at lunch, and then I won’t see him again, unless I go over to his place after school—providing princess lessons are canceled again (I’m calling ahead this time).

Please, please let Grandmère’s midlife crisis, or whatever this is, be continuing! (As long as she doesn’t get hurt, of course. Figuratively or literally.) Valentine Princess 9 59

Friday, February 14, Health and Safety

OH MY GOD. What did he give you?

SHUT UP.

Seriously. Just show me.

SHUT  UP!!!!!

Come on. What is it? I want to see!!!!!

Lilly. No. Pay attention. We are learning a very important lesson today about genital warts. I would think you, in particular, would be fascinated by this subject.

JUST SHOW ME.

Here. Satisfied????

A WHITMAN’S SAMPLER???? KENNY

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SHOWALTER  STOPPED  BY  YOUR  LOCKER

TO GIVE YOU A WHITMAN’S SAMPLER

FOR VALENTINE’S DAY?????? MWA HA HA

HA!!!!

It isn’t funny!!!! He did it right in front of Michael!!!!

Well, good. There’s nothing wrong with letting my brother know he has a little competition. Michael doesn’t have any competition for my affections! He knows I only like Kenny as a friend.

Yeah, but does KENNY know that?

I’ve only told him, like, 900,000,000 times. Oh, God, why did he DO that???? Because he looooooves you. What did the card say?

Valentine Princess 9 61

Bee my Valentine. And there’s a picture of a bee. MWA HA HA HA! Give me one. No! They’re mine!

Oh, COME ON. You don’t even like cream-filled chocolate.

I do, too!

You do not. You only like the crunchy toffee ones. Come on, fork one over.

Go get your own stalker to give you candy. Kenny’s mine.

Selfish.

Ha! You’re one to talk.

What do you mean by that?

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Nothing.

No, seriously. Why am I selfish?

What are you going to do if Boris gives you a Valentine’s Day gift? A really nice one?

He wouldn’t dare. We already talked about it. And I told him I’m opposed to Valentine’s Day on ethical grounds.

Yeah, well, you Moscovitzes might think you can tell people what to do. But some of us have minds of our own.

What is THAT supposed to mean?

Nothing.

You’re psycho. Almost as psycho as your grandmother. Who I saw on David Letterman last night with some creepy astrologist who was going on about how Tom Valentine Princess 9 63

Cruise and Katie Holmes are going to get together. Like THAT’s ever going to happen. I mean, Tom’s WAY too old for Joey!!!!

Okay. I seriously have to do something about Grandmère. This is getting out of control. Well, maybe just one more day . . .

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Friday, February 14, Lunch

Tina just reminded me of something I forgot:

KENNY  SHOWALTER  IS  A  LEO!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Friday, February 14, G &T

Lunch was totally magical today!!!!

Okay, first of all, Tina and I were in front of Lana in the lunch line again, and while we were standing there, Lana’s cell phone rang, and she answered it, and was all, “Oh, hi, Josh,” in this gross syrupy voice. And so I looked at Tina and pretended to stick my finger down my throat, you know, like I was barfing. Which cracked Tina up. But then Lana’s voice got all high-pitched and wobbly, and she was like, “What do you mean, you pulled a groin muscle?” and it turned out Josh was calling her from the Cabrini emergency room, which is where he was taken after third period when he could no longer take the excruciating pain in his upper thigh a second longer. Apparently, he’d pulled something at basketball practice the night before, but the throbbing didn’t get really bad until Trig class the next day.

Which just goes to show that nothing good ever comes from canceling plans with a girlfriend because 66 9 The Princess Diaries

suddenly you got a date, the way Lana did to Trish when Josh asked her out. Karma really is a bitch.

“Why didn’t you apply heat to it immediately?”

Lana demanded.

But we never got to hear the answer to that, because I guess that’s when Josh broke the news that he had to stay home and ice his groin and wouldn’t be able to take Lana to One if by Land, Two if by Sea for their romantic fireside Valentine’s dinner. I swear they must have been able to hear Lana’s anguished scream all the way down in Battery Park City.

As if that weren’t perfect enough, as Lana was calling Josh terrible names for wrecking his groin on their first Valentine’s Day as a couple, the Guy Who Hates It When They Put Corn in the Chili came by with his tray, and Lana f lung out one arm a little too dramatically, and hit the Guy Who Hates It When They Put Corn in the Chili’s tray, and his taco salad went sailing through the air, and ended up all over Lana.

Seriously. There was salsa in her hair.

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What could Tina and I do but high-five each other?

But amazingly, things got even BETTER after that. Because Michael actually skipped his Computer Club meeting to sit next to me!!!!!

I couldn’t believe it, but suddenly, there he was, saying he obviously couldn’t trust the male population of Albert Einstein High School not to scam on his girlfriend while his back was turned, so he was going to guard me with his life!!!! Because of Kenny and the Whitman’s Sampler!!!!!!

Which I thought was so cute—even though, okay, as a feminist I should have been offended because, of course, I don’t need any man to defend me from the unwanted advances of others, since I am perfectly capable of applying a well-placed heel to the testicular area, like Lars showed me that time we were doing krav maga self-defense techniques in the event someone should try to kidnap me—I suddenly forgot all about my shyness over giving him the Valentine I’d made, and my fears over how dorky he—and everyone else at my lunch table—might 68 9 The Princess Diaries