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Well, this totally explains why I hang out with Michael so much (I mean, besides the pheromones). Valentine Princess 9 31

But Dr. Steve, a genius? I don’t know. I’m starting to get worried. What if this guy really IS a Rasputintype character? I wish my dad were in town so I could ask him what he thinks about all this. Because what if Dr. Steve is some type of svengali—you know, one of those charismatic schemers who hypnotizes women into doing his bidding with his charm alone, like that David Koresh dude from that cult in Waco, or all those fundamentalist Mormon guys who get their thirteen-year-old stepdaughters to marry them?

And what if Grandmère becomes some sort of slave to Dr. Steve, and decides to follow him around the globe, like he’s her guru?

Whoa. I might never have princess lessons again.

YIPPEE!!!!

No, wait, that’s no good. I mean, not about the princess lessons, but about my grandma being bamboozled by some f limf lam astrologist. Should I call Dad?

Yeah, I guess I should.

Well, maybe next week. It’ll be nice to have the 32 9 The Princess Diaries

next few days off from princess lessons so I can concentrate on what I’m going to do about Michael and Valentine’s Day.

God. And I thought, once I finally got Michael to fall in love with me, all my problems would be solved. HA!

Valentine Princess 9 33

Wednesday, February 12, 10 p.m., the loft I just asked Mom what she and Mr. Gianini were doing for Valentine’s Day, and she just laughed in an evil way and went, “Nothing.”

Mr. Gianini was in the room at the time, sorting laundry, and he looked all hurt and said, “What do you mean, nothing? I’m taking you out!”

Which just caused Mom to raise her feet from where she was resting them on, like,

 

twenty pillows and go, “Not with these swollen ankles, bub.”

“Fine, then,” Mr. Gianini said. “We’ll order in. But we’re doing something for Valentine’s Day, Helen.”

And then my mom forgot her pregnancy hormone rage and looked at him all dewy-eyed and went, “Oh, honey,” and Mr. G looked all loveydovey back at her. And I had to leave the room really quick before I gagged.

It’s so not fair. Even my MOM has a Valentine. And Mr. G, while he may not be a genius, is a really 34 9 The Princess Diaries

smart guy. How come HE believes in Valentine’s Day, and Michael doesn’t? WHAT IS WRONG

WITH MICHAEL??? Did he have some horrible Valentine’s Day experience that scarred him for life?

Did he once sustain some hideous paper cut opening a Valentine? That wouldn’t stop bleeding? And he ended up in the hospital? And had to get stitches?

WHAT IS IT ABOUT VALENTINE’S DAY

THAT HE HATES SO MUCH?

Oh, great, his sister is IMing me. Maybe she can help clear this up.

WOMYNRULE: Hey. I need help constructing my diorama depicting the hijra. Can I borrow your old Ken dolls?

FTLOUIE: Is this for your self-mutilation thing?

WOMYNRULE: Yeah. . . .

FTLOUIE: No, you can’t borrow my Ken dolls! You’re just going to cut pieces off them!

Valentine Princess 9 35

WOMYNRULE: No, I’m not. See, the hijra are eunuchs in India, who’ve had both their testes and penis removed.They go around blessing brides and grooms at weddings. And you know Ken is totally smooth down there. So he’ll be perfect.

 

FTLOUIE: Oh. Also, gross. Well, I guess in that case, you can borrow them. Can I ask you something, though? Something about Michael?

WOMYNRULE: Can I stop you, much as I might like to?

FTLOUIE: Why does Michael hate Valentine’s Day so much?

WOMYNRULE: Oh, God. Not this again.

FTLOUIE: Come on, Lilly, it’s our first Valentine’s Day together as a couple! MY first Valentine’s Day when I actually have a Valentine. And Michael doesn’t want any part of it. WHY?????

36 9 The Princess Diaries

WOMYNRULE: He told you WHY. He thinks it’s a stupid holiday invented by the greeting card companies to take advantage of simple-minded schmos like you.

FTLOUIE: Mr. G and my mom are doing something for Valentine’s Day, and they are not simple-minded schmos.

WOMYNRULE: I meant simple-minded schmo figuratively. Look, Mia, I know how much you want one of those genuine simulated ruby heart pendants from Kay Jewelers (snerk), but Michael isn’t the simulated-ruby-heart-pendant type. I can’t believe she mentioned the simulated ruby heart pendant! The one Boris got her! Does she know about it, somehow? Or was she just being sarcastic? Why did she write snerk after it? Does she really think they’re dorky? What’s she going to do when Boris gives her the one he got her? Is she going to say snerk out loud? That will break Boris’s heart!

Valentine Princess 9 37

FTLOUIE: I don’t see what’s wrong with those ruby heart pendants. I think they’re pretty!!!! I’d be totally touched if a boy gave me one.

WOMYNRULE: You would. But don’t expect one from Michael. He’s not the simulated-ruby type. In fact, he’s not the Valentine’s-Day type. I can’t believe you haven’t realized that by now.

Not the Valentine’s-Day type? What does that even mean? How can someone not be the

Valentine’s-Day type? Valentine’s Day is all about f lowers and chocolate and funny cards. Who doesn’t like those kinds of things? WHO????

 

God, what if Dr. Steve’s prediction about my ending up with a Leo is right? Because I really don’t see how two people with such very different opinions about a holiday could ever end up working it out and staying together. I mean, if I give Michael a Valentine, he’ll think I’m a simple-minded schmo. And if he doesn’t give me one, I’m going to feel like he’s an uncaring jerk (well, I will).

38 9 The Princess Diaries

And then some LEO is going to move in and sweep me off my feet!

Why can’t Michael see that by refusing to participate in Valentine’s Day, he could be threatening our future happiness??????

Valentine Princess 9 39

Thursday, February 13, Algebra

Today, before class, I went up to Mr. G and was like,

“Can I talk to you?” and he went, “Mia, if you’re about to tell me you didn’t finish all the problems at the end of the chapter, when I happen to know you were up until eleven o’clock IMing with Lilly—”

“No, I finished them,” I explained hastily. God, it sucks to have to live with your Algebra teacher.

“What I wanted to know was, um, have you always believed in Valentine’s Day? Or just since you started seeing my mom?”

Mr. G looked at me kind of funny, but he seemed to give the matter some thought. “Well, no, I can’t say I have always been a proponent of Valentine’s Day. But now that I’m with your mother, I think it’s a nice way to acknowledge her and what she means to me.”

“See!” I said. “That’s how I feel! But Michael is, like, totally anti–Valentine’s Day! How can I get him to realize it’s a perfectly legitimate holiday?”

“Well,” Mr. G said, kind of dryly. “I wouldn’t go 40 9 The Princess Diaries

so far as to say that Valentine’s Day is a perfectly legitimate holiday. But you know, Mia, whether or not you believe in Valentine’s Day doesn’t really matter. What matters is whether or not you’re a good friend to the people you care about, and who care about you.”

 

And I know Mr. G is right. It doesn’t matter whether or not Michael believes in Valentine’s Day. All that matters is that we care about each other. But still. WHAT ABOUT LEO BOY????

Valentine Princess 9 41

Thursday, February 13, G &T

Even though it was Thursday, Michael sat with us at lunch today because the Computer Club’s meeting was canceled due to three of the members being out with the f lu. I think he sort of regretted it though because Lilly was telling us all about how rib removal, with abdominoplasty, is the new up-andcoming thing in the plastic surgery field, and that women seeking an hourglass figure are lining up to have it done, in the false belief that there’s a historic precedent for this kind of surgery, because Victorian women used to have it done to achieve their own wasp waists.

Except that this is a lie because surgery in Victorian times was almost always fatal, and if women really HAD had their eleventh and twelfth ribs removed in pursuit of an eighteen-inch waist, they’d have died on the operating table. I’ll admit, it WAS kind of hard to eat my veggie burger after that. I can’t wait until her self-mutilation episode is done.

42 9 The Princess Diaries

But she still has the Michael Jackson segment to finish.

Anyway, while we were sitting there, who should come up but Judith Gershner, the girl I used to think Michael was in love with. Even though now I know they were just friends, I still feel twinges of jealousy about ol’ Judith. I mean, she is super smart. And her boobs are HUGE.

“Michael, you know science fair apps are due today, right?” Judith asked him.

And Michael practically choked on his spaghetti and meatballs and was all, “I forgot!” and Judith was like, “Well, you’d better get your application in by the end of fifth period, or you won’t qualify for regionals, and then I won’t be able to kick your butt in them,” and Michael was all, “I’m on it,” and grabbed his backpack.

“Gotta go,” he said to me. “You can have my Yodels if you want.”

Which was particularly nice of him because he really could have taken the Yodels with him. But he knows how much I love them.

 

Valentine Princess 9 43

And okay, it isn’t a Valentine, but it’s pretty darn close.

“He’d lose his head if it wasn’t attached to his body,” Judith said with a sigh, reaching for Michael’s abandoned garlic bread. Which I thought was kind of rude. Not that she was eating his garlic bread, but her implication that Michael isn’t very organized. Because he totally is. Well, more than me, anyway.

“Of course the whole thing was started by Hippocrates,” we both overheard Lilly saying, “who maintained that the body’s humors could be rebalanced by bloodletting, blistering, or purging by vomiting or anal purgatives.”

“Ewwww,” said Tina and Boris, at the same time.

“Wow,” Judith said, impressed. “I should eat lunch with you guys more often.”

“It’s for her TV show,” I explained.

“Oh,” Judith said, chewing. “Groovalicious.”

It kind of surprised me that she would just sit down and start eating Michael’s lunch like that. I mean, hello, he had BITTEN that piece of garlic 44 9 The Princess Diaries

bread. I don’t mind Michael’s germs, but it surprised me that Judith, who isn’t even his girlfriend, wouldn’t mind them, either.

And then I started wondering if there was a REASON she didn’t mind them. Like, that maybe she had a crush on Michael or something. Even though supposedly she’s seeing some guy from Trinity.

But then, you think a lot of crazy things when you’re watching some other girl eat your boyfriend’s garlic bread.

So I was like, all conversationally, “So what are you doing for Valentine’s Day, Judith?”

And she was all, “Valentine’s Day? Are you kidding me? Do people even celebrate that anymore?”

And I looked pointedly around the cafeteria, the walls of which were completely plastered with pink and red hearts and doilies, courtesy of the Pep Club.

 

“Oh,” Judith said, following the direction of my gaze. “Right. Well, I don’t know. I guess my boyfriend and I will grab something to eat somewhere. I don’t know.”

Valentine Princess 9 45

“Is apathy toward Valentine’s Day inherent in the senior class, or something?” I asked. “Because Michael has sort of the same attitude about it.”

“Well,” Judith said. “I mean, it is kind of lame. It’s like a holiday designed to make you feel bad about yourself. If you do have someone, and they don’t get you a Valentine, you feel like crap. And then if you don’t have anybody, it’s like you’re an even bigger loser. So basically, you have to get a card for everyone you know, but then it basically has no meaning, and the people who benefit most are the ones at Hallmark. Personally, I think everybody should just opt out.”

Opt out? Opt out of Cupids holding Be Mine banners and I Choo-choo-choose You train engine Valentines and heart-shaped boxes of chocolate with gooey unidentifiable things in the middle and little candy hearts that taste like chalk but say stuff like U

R Hot on them?

Is she insane???? Is EVERYONE insane?

46 9 The Princess Diaries

Thursday, February 13, French

Mia—Have you talked to Michael about

Valentine’s Day yet???—Tina

No. I mean, what’s the point? He really doesn’t believe in it. And Lilly says he thinks people who do are simple-minded schmos.

That’s probably just because he’s never had a happy one! It’s up to you to show him that Valentine’s Day can be a wonderful time, full of fun and romance!

Yeah, I’m not so sure about that, Tina. I think I may just kind of forget the whole thing this year. Aw! Well, if you want to come over to watch a Valentine movie marathon all night with me and Lilly and Ling Su, you’re totally welcome to. I’m trying to get Shameeka to come, but, you know. She’s got a Valentine’s Day date.

 

Valentine Princess 9 47

What movies are you guys watching?

The best Valentine movies ever!

TINA HAKIM BABA’S TOP FIVE

VALENTINE’S DAY MOVIES

(Guaranteed to cheer you up whether you

have a Valentine to snuggle up with or not) Breakfast at Tiffany’s—Glamorpuss Holly Golightly is a beautiful party girl who doesn’t believe people—

or cats—should belong to anyone. Can the cute boy in the apartment next door change all that? Favorite scene: when Audrey Hepburn and George Peppard go looking for Cat in the pouring rain.

Funny Face—Frumpy and bookish, Jo Stockton is hardly supermodel material . . . but photographer Fred Astaire sees the swan beneath the ugly duckling, and soon Jo is in Paris on a whirlwind fashion shoot in which she ends up losing her heart. 48 9 The Princess Diaries

Favorite scene: when Audrey Hepburn gets all the new clothes!

Sabrina—Tomboyish Sabrina fears she’ll always be just the chauffeur’s daughter to rich employer David Larrabee . . . until a makeover transforms her into a chic fashion plate. Favorite scene: when Audrey Hepburn tells William Holden she’s named her poodle David!

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