18 Thoughts (My So-Called Afterlife Book 3) (27 page)

“I’ve been better. Hoping the new year is a lot better than this one. Though I guess I can’t complain too much since I did meet you.” He tugged at his cap. “I got you a Christmas present.” Smiling, he handed me a box.

“But Christmas already passed.”

He shrugged. “I was on a skiing trip with my family. Just got back. In fact, my parents wanted to stay a few more days, but I was adamant about coming home today.”

My eyes widened. “Why?”

“Because I wanted to ring in the new year with you. Go ahead, open your gift.”

I peeled away the plain green paper and lifted the lid on the tiny box. Inside awaited a Magic 8-Ball wrapped in tissue paper with a note that said, “Ask my ball if we should attend the concert together tonight. Here’s hoping the outlook is good.”

I snorted. “Was that supposed to be funny?”

He shrugged again. “I tried. Go ahead, shake my ball.”

Our gazes remained locked as I shook the plastic ball for a good ten seconds before peeking at the transparent window on the bottom of the ball for my answer. “As I see it, yes.”

Nate stood and reached for my hand, making me shiver, giving me all kinds of good chills. “Well, there you have it.”

“So we’re putting all our trust into a toy used for fortune-telling now?”

“Got any better ideas?”

“You gave me one of these toys before, remember?”

I found myself wondering how I knew that. I confused myself now. Could I really be so sure?

His expression looked tortured. “Is that so?”

Dropping my chin to my chest, I said, “Yeah. I mean, I don’t know. I think so.”

“Olga, if we don’t solve this mystery between us, I’m gonna lose my mind. I’ve already been losing my mind, missing you like crazy. At school, I’ve been taking notes on your thoughts instead of what the teachers are saying.”

Okay, that’s creepy.

“I know, but I just want to know you completely, every side of you, and you aren’t giving me the chance. Your thoughts are all I have left now. I feel so lost without you, like I don’t have a purpose for living.”

I paced the sidewalk in front of him. “We can’t keep doing this. It only makes things worse.”

He grabbed my waist and held me in place. “Stop what? Being apart? I agree.”

“No!” I yanked away from his grasp and slammed my hands on his hard chest. “Being friends that kiss or whatever. It’s too confusing.”

“Exactly. We need to be more than friends who kiss. Because I’m so in love with you, Olga. Please, I know you miss me, too. I can hear it. I just need you to start being honest with yourself.”

I met his gaze, panting. “I do have feelings for you. But I also know from these memories and the journal that I’ve unwittingly hurt you and Conner and possibly others in the past and caused great upset. I’d been impatient. So now I’m trying to choose the right things to do in order to set this situation right again, to rectify the wrongs I’ve done. The angel in my vision said we’ve been given a second chance. And this time around, I’m not going to let my ego or my fears or my doubts cloud my choices.”

“All you’ve been doing is letting fear and doubt cloud your choices! You’re all talk, Olga.” Never before had he spoken so sternly with me, and several moments passed in awkward silence before I could respond.

“I’m sorry you feel that way, Nate. The last thing on earth I want to do is hurt you. But I could end up hurting you so much more if I jump into this. It’s not about my path anymore. It’s about the path God laid out for me. He’s locked things away in us to be of service, to do good things in this world, maybe even great, but I don’t know where to begin yet. I have to wait upon him to show me. Don’t you see that?”

“So it’s not because of Conner?”

“Ugh, no! It’s never been about Conner, not really. It’s been about finding the strength deep down inside ourselves to move on, to do the right things even when it’s hard. And it’s about being there for a friend.”

With a tired face, he said, “Which is what I’m trying to do! But oh, I forgot. Everyone who doesn’t agree with your plan is stupid. Freaky genius girl always knows best. Because even though God created all men equal, he made you better. Want me to raise that pedestal for you?”

“Huh? That’s not what I’m saying. Why does it feel like you don’t trust me to do the job right myself?”

“You obviously can’t.” After a pause writhing with tension, he added, “There’s a difference between being independent and being smart enough to accept help when you need it.”

I could hear the pain in his honesty. “Fine. I’ll stop shutting you out if you promise to give me some space and not rush in to save me all the time. The Jedi Order only has a few months left together. If I suck at this as much as you say I do, then I’m going to need some practice being independent before I’m on my own.”

His nose wrinkled, like he inhaled a foul odor. “You’re twisting my words, but I don’t want to argue anymore. That’s not why I came here. I. Just. Want. To. Help. You.”

Frowning, I nodded. “Why don’t you come home with me? We can celebrate New Year’s together if you still want to. I have to change for the concert tonight before I pick up Nicole and Tammy, unless you’d rather walk. If I remember correctly, you had some concerns about my driving.”

He looked over at my dad’s old Ford truck parked in front of the store and smiled. “I think you’re worth risking my life over.”

Pulsating music throbbed in my ears and shook the ground. People bounced and bobbed to the beat as Kyle nailed his long drum solo for their finale song. Nate and I didn’t talk much during the outdoor concert. We’d have to shout over the blaring speakers to do so. Actually, it was somewhat nice not to make small talk after the three-hour car ride to Traverse City with Nate, Tammy, and Nicole. I sneaked a glimpse at my watch. An hour until midnight. A headache formed, and stupidly I missed my old curfew of eleven. I hoped there was a bottle of Tylenol with my name on it at Grandma’s. Since my grandparents lived in Traverse City and had a big house, we were all crashing there to avoid a long drive back home with all the drunks on the road. I wished I would’ve thought this out better, though. How would Conner and Nate staying under the same roof for the night work?

I peered out from behind a cluster of girls lifting their hands and swaying them to the music. Instantly, Conner’s gaze pinned me to my spot. No doubt, seeing Nate here with me jarred him. I’d contemplated texting before the show to give Conner a heads-up, but I didn’t want to upset him before he went on stage. Shoving my freezing hands into the pockets of my jacket, I tried to act cool, though my stomach churned with anxiety. When the song ended, Conner hopped down from the stage and weaved through the crowd, heading straight for us. I smoothed down my hair.

Stupid, stupid girl. This was a bad idea.
I tried to spot Tammy or Nic, to signal them for help, but I’d lost them in the crowd a few songs ago when they snaked their way to the front to be closer to the stage.

Nate tugged on my sleeve. “I’m going to get a drink.” He pointed to the outer edges of the crowd where the food and beverage trucks were set up. “Want anything?”

“Hot chocolate, please.”

He took off before I even answered, already knowing.

Conner came to a halt about a foot in front of me. “Where’s he going?”

I blinked. So not the question I expected him to ask. “To get a drink.”

“Are you guys here together? Like together together?”

Ah, there it is.
Not knowing how to answer that question, I scanned the crowd. “You know, we have this thing with the visions? The last one we shared was of him helping me, and I just thought maybe he could help again…”

Awkwardness filled the air around us, and I cleared my throat.

Conner sucked in a breath and blew the air out of his cheeks. “These last two months have been so good. I thought maybe it was the beginning of something new between us. I thought maybe you’d found a way to forgive all the horrible things I did to you earlier this year.”

Tears burned at the back of my eyes. “I have.”

“But do you… I mean, don’t you think we’re closer than just friends?”

“We are closer than friends. We’ve been through too much together not to be.” I took a step forward and lifted a hand to hold his.

“Well,” he said, an uneasy look on his face. “What does that mean then?”

I looked down, unable to meet his gaze. “I’m not sure. But I am sure that we’ll always be there for each other, no matter what.”

Conner ran a hand down the edge of my cheek and cupped my chin. “I’ve been holding back on asking you out again because I’ve been too distracted getting my life straight, and I didn’t want to rush things before I had stuff figured out and mess us all up again. But now I’m looking at you with him tonight and thinking I’m so stupid. When I woke up that night before school started, the night when it was really me, I realized what I’d almost let slip by. I don’t want to make that mistake again.”

I set my jaw in determination, summoning the courage to spit the words out honestly. “Conner, I love you. You know I do. But there’s also this feeling of vulnerability, fear, jealousy… sort of haunting me.”

“Jealous of who?”

“Of all the girls you were with when you weren’t you. And the truth is, even though I love you with all my heart and always will, I’m ninety percent sure we wouldn’t work right now… There’s just too much going on. I’m not ready. You’re not ready.”

He flinched back slightly, then sighed. “All righty then. I’ll hold on to that ten percent until you change your mind. I’m gonna get myself a drink.”

After our confrontation, I stood on the outskirts of the crowd with Nate, nursing my hot chocolate, second-guessing what I told Conner. The headlining band’s thrashing sound was one of a kind, but I couldn’t enjoy any of it.

“Do you like what you hear?” Nate shouted next to me.

Nodding a yes, I watched with envy as Tammy dragged Kyle to the center of the crowd, dancing tight against him, the music and colorful lights turning her body into fluid rhythm. Every male around them had their sights on Tammy, the platinum blonde with big boobs in a long-sleeved slinky, short gold dress despite the cold. Black tights covered her model-perfect legs, paired with furry leopard-print boots. The predatory gleam in her eyes wasn’t for any of them, though; the look was for the boy standing right in front of her. No amount of smoky eye shadow could hide her longing. Even if she was staying single right now, she still made the boy thing look so easy.

“Thank you,” I said to Nate, who sipped a hot chocolate of his own.

“For what?”

“For the drink. For putting up with this drama. For not giving up on me even though I deserve it.”

He looked at me over the rim of his Styrofoam cup. “No need to thank me. I’m here for you, Olga. I always will be. Even if you decide you want to be with Conner. If you ever need me, even if it’s just to talk to someone, about anything, I want you to come to me.”

An intense feeling of déjà vu washed over me, forcing me to squeeze my eyes shut. I forced them wide open, looking at Nate as he hitched up the collar of his jean jacket against the icy wind. He peered down at me.

“What?”

“You didn’t feel that?”

He made a face, sipping his hot chocolate again. “Maybe.”

“Maybe?”

He rocked back on his heels. “Olga, it’s hard for me to separate your thoughts from mine sometimes. But yes to that déjà vu thing.”

“Sorry.”

He shook his head. “For what?”

“For taking over your mind.”

Chuckling, he said, “I rather like the invasion. Most of the time.”

I didn’t know what to say. He was so incredibly sweet that staying away from him seemed like the worst idea on the planet.

“Do you want to dance?” Nate nodded toward our friends and held out his hand in an offer.

By now, Sean and Nicole were drawing an audience with their spectacular booty shaking while Conner innocently danced with a young fan who looked about twelve.

Once I said yes, Nate threw our cups away and lightly wringed my wrist with his fingers. We fought our way through a gauntlet of rough bodies, stale beer breath, and New Year’s Eve fanfare. Halfway to our friends, a collective shout went up with the chorus, and someone’s drink christened the top of my head.
Gak!
Why did I ever agree to this?

Nate made an impatient noise and wiped the liquid off with the sleeve of his jacket. “Come here.” He drew me to him, curling his arms around my back.

The clouds dropped snow right when the song ended, just before midnight, the perfect weather to epitomize a new beginning. Tilting my head up, I caught the cold drops on my tongue. Near the front of the stage, Traverse City’s own version of Times Square hung high above a twinkling Christmas tree. A giant lit cherry began to drop, a symbol of the Traverse City region since seventy-five percent of the nation’s cherry crop grew here. Nate and I joined the countdown at ten. At zero, we turned toward each other, and I began sinking in a sea of images flooding my mind.

“I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing” by Aerosmith blaring over loudspeakers.