1 The Bitches of Everafter (14 page)

25

An Apple a Day Won't Keep Robin Away

Robin Hood was a creature of habit, and as a creature of habit he adhered to a certain routine. For instance, every Monday morning he wrote a list of all the workout routines he planned to do that week, followed by a strict diet, void of sugar and carbohydrates. And every Monday he kissed his wife, skipped the gym, picked up a chocolate éclair, and headed out to visit the girls of Granny’s House to ensure that they attended their anger management session.  It wasn’t a perfect system, but it worked for him.

You see, once Robin was assigned a job, be it lawman, parole officer, or dog catcher, he was compelled to follow that job through to the end no matter what. He couldn’t help himself. So a little thing like getting fired by the biggest bitch in Everafter wasn’t going to stop him from doing his job. He may no longer have a badge, or a legally issued firearm, or even an identification card with his job title written on it in bold block letters, but he had his dignity. Mostly.

So when he spotted Tink’s car, which was the size of a go-cart, wedged between a lilac bush and a dog house near Granny’s home, Robin was so angry he considered crashing into her.

He didn’t. Instead, he coasted on by as if he was just passing through the neighborhood. His assessment was that she wasn’t up to a whole lot because she was fast asleep in the back seat. Her face was scrunched up against the window like a suction-cupped stuffed animal, her turquoise hair floated over her shoulders, and her thin arms were wrapped around her short legs.

She looked a little like a holiday ornament.

Robin parked his own car across the street behind a large truck and reached for his binoculars.

The house was quiet, which wasn’t unusual for this hour. The women still had some time before they had to be at Dr. Bean’s office for group. A light flickered on in the bathroom for a brief moment, then went out. He shifted his gaze to the driveway. All the cars were accounted for except Granny’s.

Odd. Granny wasn’t what one might describe as an early bird, but perhaps she had gotten wind of a barn sale or something. Robin had never known a woman to collect so much junk in all his life. Where she put it he didn’t know, because although he visited the house frequently, he never saw any new items. He didn’t trail Granny often, as the judge had never asked him to, but he liked to be thorough, and since she was in charge of his parolees, he thought it best to at least gain some insight into the old woman and her habits.

He’d discovered only three things about Granny in the short time he’d known her. The first was that she talked as if she was reading a phrase book backwards. Like she had her own language that only she understood, and her audience had to decipher her meaning from context. He often wondered if the girls she took in were given some sort of decoder ring on move-in day. The second thing Robin knew about the woman was that she seemed to be as old as time itself. Lastly, Granny loved to shop, especially if it meant a good bargain, and especially if the junk she found was as old and worn as herself.

Granny seemed harmless enough. Just a sweet old lady trying to scrape by in life.

Robin unwrapped his éclair and took a hearty bite. The creamy vanilla filling squirted his shirt and he mopped it up with a napkin.

Something caught the corner of his eye as he tossed the napkins into the back seat. Two figures exited the back door of the looming house.

Robin twisted in his seat to get a better look of the back yard. It looked like Aura and the new girl, Snow, were taking a stroll. Both wore hoodies, long pants, and gloves. Odd for August, he thought. So not a stroll then. Were they going to do some gardening?

Robin adjusted the binoculars for a closer look and watched as the girls rounded the corner of the house.

That’s when he saw it. An apple tree taller and wider than the dilapidated mansion, sprawled across the back yard. Robin studied the tree carefully, then lowered his binoculars. He couldn’t recall ever seeing that tree before. Of course he didn’t often stake out the back of the property, but Tink had taken his usual spot.

Robin put the binoculars back to his eyes, watching Snow and Aura approach the tree. Granny’s women weren’t exactly outdoorsy types, so he couldn’t imagine what they were doing. They weren’t very domesticated either, from what he had observed, although, now that he considered it, he didn’t know the new girl all that well. Perhaps she wanted to bake a pie. Perhaps Aura was helping her.

Robin watched as Aura went to the back shed while Snow waited a few feet from the tree. She shuffled her feet impatiently, bit a fingernail off and chewed her lower lip, as if she were nervous just being around Aura.

“Looks, like you got the royal treatment, Snow White,” he muttered. “So what was it? Snakes in your bed? A shove down the stairs? Or just a good old fashioned sucker punch?”

Robin took another bite of the pastry and washed it down with milk.

Aura returned with a chainsaw in her hand, and the two women had a discussion. Robin wished he could read lips, but that was a talent he’d never mastered. He could, however, read faces. Snow White looked to be completely in charge as she pointed to the tree and shoved a sack into Aura’s free hand, then grabbed the chainsaw.

Aura shook her head, white knuckling the sack, but Snow wouldn’t take no for an answer. She stepped forward, blocking Robin’s view of Aura’s face. Snow was pointing, her head bobbing up and down as if she were ordering Aura to do something.

Well this should be interesting
. Robin had never known Aura to take orders from anyone. He wished he had some popcorn. If he were a betting man, he would have put twenty down on Aura to take Snow out in the third round with an uppercut.

To Robin’s surprise, not only did Aura keep her hands to herself and her feet on the ground, but she stepped forward and looked up at the tree. She gave Snow a nervous glance back and Snow gave her a nod and a thumbs-up.

This was a plot twist Robin never saw coming. Aura taking orders? What was going on?

Aura reached her arm tentatively toward the tree and picked an apple. She buried it in the sack, shuddered, and reached for another. By the time she tied the sack up tight a few moments later, Robin had counted five apples.

Snow White stepped forward and patted Aura on the back. She picked up the sack and set it a few feet away. Then she fired up the chain saw, grinning. She reached into her pocket and grabbed a pair of goggles and Aura did the same.

Snow tackled the tree like a pregnant woman tackles a carton of Rocky Road ice cream. There was no precision to her cuts, no rhyme or reason. She just hacked at it from every angle as if it had personally betrayed her until, after twenty minutes, the fruit tree crashed to the ground. The women high-fived each other.

Robin set his binoculars down and pulled out his notebook to record what he had just witnessed. When he looked up again, Snow and Aura were racing to the shed, Snow holding the chain saw, Aura carrying the sack.

Robin scratched his chin. “What are you bitches up to?”

Before he could even consider an answer, someone threw a rock at his windshield.

26

Between a Rock and a Hard Fae

When Snow emerged from the shed, she heard the distinct crack of glass and swung her head to see a girl with hair the color of a lagoon standing on the passenger side of Robin Hood’s car, her tiny fists balled at her sides, her nostrils flaring.

“Who is that?” she asked Aura.

Aura followed Snow’s gaze and said, “Oh. That’s Tink of the Bluebells.”

Snow looked at her. “The pixie? She’s here too?”

“Yep.” Aura closed and locked the shed, the sack of apples safely inside. “She works for the judge, or rather, Red Riding Hood.” She looked at Snow, one eyebrow lifted. “And she has a huge crush on Jack.”

Snow raised her own eyebrows. She stared at the young fairy as she wagged her tiny finger at Robin Hood through the window of his car. Robin got out of the Pinto and assessed the crack in his windshield. He ran his fingers through his hair and glared at Tink. Tink put her fists up, dancing all around him like a hungry mosquito. When she got close enough to take a swing, Robin straightened out his long arm and planted his hand on Tink’s forehead. She continued to flail both arms at his stomach, missing each time.

“Do you suppose she has magic?” Snow asked.

Aura shrugged as the two climbed the small hill up and around the pond. “I don’t think so. Look closely. Her wings are missing.”

Snow frowned as Tink delivered a hard kick to Robin’s shin. The lawman cried out and doubled over, rubbing the sore spot. This provided the fairy with an opportunity to pounce on his back. She dug her hands into his hair and bucked like she was wrestling a bull.

Snow supposed Aura was right, that Tink had been stripped of her glamour. But perhaps the apples would help them find magic. After all, they had to have sprung from some sort of spell, so there must be a thread that led from the fruit to a power source.

Because without magic, how in the world would they return home?

They approached the back door. Robin seemed to be losing his battle with the pixie. “Do you think we should help him?” Snow said.  “After all, he is one of ours.”

Aura thought about it. “Maybe, but I kind of want to see how this plays out.”

Just as it seemed Robin might break free of his tiny tormentor, Tink stuck a thumb in his left eye. He howled.

“Why is he here, anyway?” Snow asked, still watching Robin’s feeble attempts to defend himself.

Aura said, “Babysitting. He’s here to make sure we attend our therapy.”

“And Tink?” Snow asked just as she bit Robin’s ear.

“That I’m not sure about.”

Robin now appeared to be blinded in one eye, and his right ear was bleeding. The fairy seemed to revel in his pain. She performed some sort of chop with her arm and let out a battle cry. Robin clutched his shoulder.

Snow said. “Enough is enough. This is undignified for a man of his caliber. We have to stop her.”

Aura grabbed her arm and said in a low voice. “Okay, but just remember who he thinks we are.” She pointed from Snow to herself. “Stay in the character that the puppet master, whoever it is, has created for us.”

Snow nodded and set off to free the lawman of Enchantment.

As Robin Hood tried to fend off the fiend attacking him, he couldn’t help but wonder what evil pact he might have made in a former life to bring him such humiliation. It was bad enough that the women of Granny’s house got the better of him now and then. But at least they were strong, fierce women. To be beaten up by a girl the size of a garden gnome was just embarrassing. It didn’t get any worse than that. At least, that’s what he thought until he heard Aura’s sarcastic tongue.

“You need a fly swatter there, Cowboy?”

Tink stopped wrestling for a moment. “This isn’t your concern, Aura,” she snapped in her squeaky-toy voice.

Aura walked closer and reached her hand up. She must have been putting the hurt on Tink in some capacity, because Robin heard a squeal of pain. “I beg to differ, little one,” she said. “You see, the cowboy and I have an understanding.” Aura bent to look into Robin’s good eye. “He pretends like I don’t kick his ass on a regular basis, and I pretend he’s not violating my civil rights by spying on me 24/7. Isn’t that right, Mr. Parole Officer?”

Robin tried to roll his eyes, but it only caused him pain. He winced, and that hurt too.

Aura peeled Tink off Robin’s back.

The tiny woman glared at Aura. “Well that’s where you’re wrong. He doesn’t work for the city anymore.”

Aura set the pixie down and glanced at Snow who kept her face stone still. “Is that so?” she asked.

Robin stood up, straightening his shirt.  A trickle of blood ran down the front. How was he going to explain this to Marion?

Robin wished he had worn his hat. He felt more authoritative with his hat. “A misunderstanding,” he said.

Tink’s face was red as she said, “Not true! You were fired. I was there.”

Aura crossed her arms. “Really?”

Robin felt a throbbing in his eye where Tink had tried to gouge it out, and his ear stung where she had bitten him. He tried to look assertive, but he was pretty sure he just looked like the victim of a car crash.

Tink said, “Yepper. I’m taking over now. The judge said.” She stuck her chin out and crossed her tiny arms.

Aura laughed. “Okay, Tinker Toy.” She looked at Snow. “This should be interesting.”

Snow’s mouth was set into a somber line. She was looking at Robin with an intensity he hadn’t detected from the raven-haired woman during their first encounter. She looked almost....regal.

It intrigued him.

Aura glanced from Robin to Snow, then nudged her.

Snow lurched, recovered, and said in a demure voice, “Why don’t you come inside. I can patch you up.”

Robin met her eyes, softer now. Her lips relaxed into a welcome smile. As if there were two personalities behind her face.

He looked at Aura. She gave him a sly smile. “Princess here is more of a lover than a fighter.” She winked.

Robin cleared his throat. “I appreciate that, Miss White, but I think I’ll just be running along now. See to it you all make it to therapy.” He looked at Tink, pointed. “I’ll be having a word with your boss, Missy.”

Tink scoffed at him.

For good measure, Robin added, “And Doctor Bean.”

As Tink’s face drained of all color and her grin fell, Robin couldn’t help but feel a little smug that he had gotten in the last jab.

He got back into his car, started it up, and backed away from the women who seemed hell bent on torturing him.

As he drove down the street, he ventured a look back. The beautiful face of Snow White stared at him through the rearview mirror—her posture poised, her demeanor unshakable. She had the look of a woman who had lost something and was determined to get it back.

Robin had seen that look before. That resolve. He couldn’t recall when or where, but he knew one thing.

It made him uneasy.