1 The Bitches of Everafter (22 page)

41

Something Bitchy This Way Comes

At the top of Forest Canyon Lane, beneath an ever-darkening sky pierced by streaks of angry indigo, a cricket chirped. It was the only sound that interrupted the thoughts of four princesses who stared into the trunk of a stolen car at a very alive man. His eyes were huge pools of blue as he blinked up at them. There was the slightest trickle of blood near his left temple, and the rug he was wrapped in smelled of beer, cigarettes, and shame.

The women were stunned into stilled silence for a several moments. All except Bella who was about to lean into the trunk, an enormous knife in her hand.

Snow grabbed her arm and said, “No!”

Bella looked at Snow, winked, and said, “Relax, Princess.”

The tone she used as she said those words, the gleam in her eyes. “Bella?” Snow asked.

Aura grinned. Punzie and Cindy shared a confused look.

Bella smiled coyly, then bent over the man and cut the ropes that bound him. She placed the knife in Snow’s hand and got to work unraveling Punzie’s victim from the filthy rug.

A stout, middle-aged man with a face like a basset hound accepted Bella’s assistance and climbed out of the trunk.

He stood there, looking from one to the other of them, shirt rumpled, pants soiled with dirt and grime from the floor of the strip club. He removed a wig and fake beard, tossing them onto the dusty road.

“Grimm!” Snow cried and hugged him.

He stiffened under her grip at first, then relaxed and patted her back. “Yes, yes. I’ve missed you too.”

Punzie wrenched the knife from Snow’s grip and held it up to the writer’s neck. “Who are you? What do you want with me?”

Grimm rolled his eyes and said, “You always were the stubborn one, Punzie. I take it you didn’t receive my note.”

Snow stepped forward and said, “Punzie, release that blade at once!”

Punzie sneered at Snow. “Who the fuck do you think you are? This lunatic tried to attack me, remember? Twice!”

Grimm rolled his eyes. “Such language in this land. I would have written you better than that.”

Punzie’s face distorted into a mix of curiosity and bafflement. “What the hell does that mean?”

Bella yanked the knife from Punzie’s arm and lobbed it into the canyon.

Punzie said, “What is
wrong
with you two?” She glared at Bella and Snow.

Grimm rubbed his bald head and said, “I see we are not all on the same page.”

“I’m afraid not,” Snow said.

Aura said, “I think we can change that.” She jogged to the passenger side of the car and grabbed Cindy’s shoes.

“Damn it, Aura, you can’t have them!” Cindy barked. Then she hiccupped and unscrewed her flask.

“May I?” Grimm held his palm out.

Cindy shrugged. “Knock yourself out.” She offered him the liquor.

Grimm grabbed the flask and threw it into the canyon after the knife.

Cindy watched, dumbfounded, as the tequila sailed out of sight. She pivoted to Grimm. “You son of a bitch!”

She lunged at the scribe and in that moment, Aura held a shoe up. “Ah, ah, ah. No killing anyone or the crystal slipper gets it.” Aura held the heel with one hand and the toe with the other.

Cindy’s face drained of color. Then her eyes darkened to the shade of the stormy clouds. She dropped her hands to her hips. “You wouldn’t dare.”

Aura said, “Wanna bet?”

The two women stared at each other for a beat. Then Cindy made a mad dash for the shoe and grabbed it in both hands. She stopped short. As if she’d hit a wall.

Snow, Bella, Aura, and Grimm studied Cindy’s face for a hint of recognition. She stared at the shoe with an intensity Snow had not seen since they’d met in Everafter. The honey-haired princess peered into the prism of the diamond heel, holding it up to the sun. Her eyes brightened to their original cerulean blue and she blinked several times, twisting her neck like a curious sparrow peeking through a window. Her features softened, her face filled with wonder.

Then she screamed and dropped the crystal shoe. They all watched as it shattered against a boulder, the diamond burning up under a slim ray of the last light of day. Then it melted into the road and was gone.

Cindy turned to Snow and said, “What happened? What are we doing here?”

Grimm smiled. “Four down, one to go.”

They all turned to Punzie, who wrapped her braid around her wrist and backed up nervously, Bob at her side. “I don’t know what you wackos are up to, but stay the fuck away from me.”

“Punzie…” Snow said.

Punzie turned and began teetering down the unpaved road in her stilettos. She waved a hand behind her head. “Nope. Punzie has left the building. So long, psychos.”

“She never was the
brightest
princess,” Grimm said.

“Bite me, weirdo,” Punzie called and made an obscene gesture.

Snow said, “Where’s her nemesis, Grimm? Do you know? I haven’t seen a tower anywhere in Everafter.”

Grimm said, “Well of course not, it would have been a bit conspicuous, a big tower like that just appearing overnight.”

“Unlike, say, an apple tree,” Bella smirked.

Grimm gave a sheepish look. “Yes well, I forgot that when it comes to the first princess, subtle magic is best. It was supposed to be just one apple, but Snow’s strength made it explode into that monstrosity.”

Snow watched Punzie stumble along the path, Bob hopping happily beside her. One of her heels broke and she faltered, then removed both shoes and chucked them into the canyon.

Cindy said, “That canyon’s eating a lot of litter today.”

Bella said, “I’ll get her.”

Snow watched as Bella jogged down the path. She turned to Grimm. “So it was you who sent our story enemies?”

Grimm said, “Aye. When you signed the blood treaty, do you remember the clause that said it couldn’t be broken without all of your consent?”

The three princesses nodded.

Grimm said, “Yes, well I added the most miniscule fine print to the treaty that should any of you turn on one another, or fall prey to a curse, your story nemeses would act as talismans. They are bound to each of you, but they need magic to find you. That’s why it’s taken so long. There is no magic in this land, so I had to get a bit—shall we say—creative.”

Bella was arguing with Punzie on the road. Punzie tried to kick her and Bella grabbed her foot. They both tumbled to the dirt.

Aura said, “What do you mean, creative?”

“I mean I wrote. Short stories, mostly. Hoping that my words would find you or at the very least, that they would bring me visions of your whereabouts.”

Cindy said, “So
you
did all of this?”

Grimm cringed. “Heavens no! I could never create such a garish place.” He looked at the silver car as if it were an alien from another planet. “No, I wrote happy tales of the five of you living prosperously.”

Aura said, “Well, I hate to break it to you, Grimm, but this isn’t exactly Paradise on a platter.”

Grimm sighed. “Alas readers don’t enjoy stories without conflict, and without readers, the written word has no meaning. No life force. The words weren’t finding you, so I had to make them darker.”

“So you wrote me as a
car thief
?” Aura asked.

Grimm snorted. “Of course not! Never even seen vehicles such as they own in this land.” He looked across the canyon, down to the town below where the lights were popping on one by one. Rock music drifted up to the peak. Far off, a car horn blared. “Such a noisy, place too.”

Grimm brought his focus back to the ladies. “I wrote tales of sinister witches and smelly trolls. I had no idea you had all succumbed to
this
.” He swept his hand across the canyon and below. “There is something though,” he added.

“What is it?” Snow asked.

“I was given orders. Orders to change the endings of your biographies.” He explained how he was to insert the word
in
before ever after.

Snow said, “Orders from whom?”

“I don’t know. It was a royal order, written on a palace scroll and sealed with a royal seal. At first I thought the five of you had wanted the change. I thought perhaps after the kingdoms united, after the wars, you may have wanted a fresh start by changing the name of the land.”

Snow asked, “Who signed the order?”

Grimm gave Snow a stoic look. “You did, your Majesty.”

Cindy and Aura snapped their heads to Snow.

“No, that’s not true. Someone falsified my signature.” Snow looked at her blood-oath sisters. “I swear it on my heart.”

Grimm bowed his head. “I realize that now. Especially after all that’s happened in Enchantment.”

“What’s happened, Grimm? What has become of our kingdom?”

Grimm looked up and said, “First, I need all of you. There’s not much time left, and I fear I may be pulled back soon. I have only so much magic to keep me anchored to this land.” Grimm shifted his gaze to the one princess who had yet to recover her memory.

Bella was dragging Punzie up the road by her braid. Punzie protested the entire way, kicking, screaming, and swearing. At one point, she bit Bella, who cried out in pain and bitch-slapped Punzie.

Aura asked, “What is Punzie’s talisman if not the tower?”

“If she had read the note I tried to slip her the first time she attacked me she would have known.” Grimm grimaced at the memory. “My neck still hurts. Of course I lied and gave the name Story to the police officer.” He looked from one of them to the other. “There’s no telling who is friend and who is foe.”

Bella had Punzie’s braid wrapped around her wrist in a tight grip as they joined the others.

“What did the note say, Grimm?” Bella asked, breathless, while Punzie tried to shake loose.

Punzie spat, “I’m calling Doc when we get back to the house. He’s going to throw all of you in the looney bin.”

Grimm rolled his eyes at Punzie, turned to Bella and said, “As I told your blood-oath sisters, I had to get creative. For example, I sent Aura the wheel via her fairy godmother.”

Fear shadowed Aura’s face for a moment and thunder rumbled in the sky.

Grimm looked at the clouds, concerned. “Don’t worry, your Majesty, it was the good one.”

Aura blew out a sigh of relief.

Punzie said, “Your majesty? Did I fall down a wormhole? Did I get into Cindy’s tequila or eat some magic mushrooms or something?”

“Grimm, the note,” said Snow.

“Right so. It read simply, ‘Kiss the Frog.’”

Twelve pairs of eyes fastened on Bob, who perked up and stood taller. He looked at Punzie with woeful admiration.

Punzie looked at Bob and said, “Now I know you’re all bonkers.”

Bob deflated.

Cindy said, “Damn it, Punzie just kiss the frog and this will all make sense.”

Punzie said, “You know, Cindy, I wish you could hear yourself sometimes. In what world does kissing a frog make sense?”

“In our world,” said Snow. “Kiss the frog.”

Punzie crossed her arms.

Aura said, “Come on Tassel Tosser. Kiss the frog.”

“You could do worse. And I’m pretty sure you have,” Bella said. “Kiss the damn frog.”

“No!” shouted Punzie.

Grimm, Snow, Aura, Bella, and Cindy all yelled, “Kiss the frog!”

“Oh for fuck’s sake, fine!”

Punzie bent down and kissed Bob on the tip of his bulbous nose.

In a haze of purple smoke, Bob puffed and jutted and grew to a height of six feet. His green skin faded to a fleshy tan, human looking arms grew from his torso, and his sinewy legs bulged into muscular limbs. The smoke thickened and for a moment he was gone and then, after the cloud cleared, prince Ashford appeared.

Punzie sucked in her breath, not taking her eyes off her love. She rushed forward to embrace her prince. “Ashford!” She cried.