Yours for Eternity: A Love Story on Death Row (29 page)

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That lawyer has to come on the case. Time is ticking away. We need him now. At least they now have a new chief justice in the Arkansas Supreme Court. I’m not holding my breath for anything, but at least there’s a small chance of something going differently. We need a lawyer.

I love you,

D.

December 10, 2003

My Dearest Damien:

This is our 7th birthday together. I can remember when we had our first, and I said it would be the first of the rest of them. I was as sure of that then as I am of it today.

I love you in ways I can’t even fathom sometimes. We’ve been through so much, and it only makes us stronger and want more and more and more. I hope you have a great day—just know you are loved more than humanly possible, and you will be forever—

Your wife,

Lorri

January 21, 2004

My lovely creature,

Lorri, those little grey hairs I found on your head last Thursday have caused me a great deal of anxiety. I keep thinking they’re the result of all the stress you have to deal with because of these lawyers. I’m scared it’s going to wear you down or make you sick. I’m just so glad you’re doing yoga and eating better. I hope you’re not feeling like I do when I say years are being taken off my life. I need to be able to take care of you. To give you a rubdown and green tea. Soon, I will. I felt a wave of it roll over me just now. That I’ll be out soon.

How have you turned me into a happy, laughing thing? There was a time when I never smiled and had no idea what being happy meant, but I can barely remember it. Now, I only know constant giggling and antics. There is nothing but playing now. And you are an infectious monkey. You are spreading monkeydom everywhere you go. People change to monkeys right before my eyes.

I am yours forever,

D.

February 3, 2004

My Beautiful, sleepy, short-tailed monkey,

You’re in the meeting with Dennis Riordan right now. I’m desperately hoping he signs on. I’m sending you all the good luck. Lorri, you are the only person on earth who could do something like this. No one else has the will, strength, or competence. You’re insane talking about who you “can’t compete with.” That is literally insane.

I am going to start trying to send you more letters. In my mind I see the
Pirates of the Caribbean
monkey contentedly clutching a letter, much like Tellis with her letter. This is why I haven’t had the chance to write one single page more on my book—because I can’t get caught up on letters.

One of the polls says that if the elections were held today, Kerry and Bush would be almost even—Kerry has 46%, Bush has 44%. And Kerry is against the death penalty. I’ve decided to add my endorsement to whoever wins the Democratic primary—with every letter I write, I will tell people to vote Democrat. Since I can’t vote myself, I shall attempt to influence the vote of others. You should do so in your thank-you notes.

I finally finished the Nijinsky book this morning. In a way, he makes me angry because he was one of those people like my sister that can’t do anything for themselves. He had a pretty horrible life.

I’m desperately looking for something I can send you for Valentine’s Day. It’s almost upon us again. It’s absolutely one of the
most stressful times of year for me. Every year it grows harder than the one before. I don’t even have a piece of red paper to cut out little hearts. I have to find something for such a beauteous creature.

I love you.

D.

February 17, 2004

Dearest,

I don’t know why I get insecure. I don’t doubt you for a second in your love for me. I think my whole life I’ve always thought men were never satisfied with even the love of their lives. I never believed that a man was capable of true and complete love. I always believed they were always looking for something else, better sex, a more beautiful body, whatever . . .

All this to say, it’s me. You have never done anything to make me feel this way. Actually, the opposite. I still feel that way about every other man, though.

I know women are probably guilty of equal behavior; I just focus on men.

I want to fix it, because it doesn’t matter and it just makes me sad and needy. You always handle it so well. You now know what to do with me. I don’t know why I’ve been thinking about that lately.

Your wife,

Lorri

March 6, 2004

My loveliest of the monkey-like creatures,

Tomorrow I see you. The time goes by so quickly here. It seems that I do nothing except get ready to call you or get ready to see you. That’s how I like it. It makes me feel more connected.

I love you,

D.

March 16, 2004

My lovely creature,

Enclosed with this letter you should find a page from the new Brooks Brothers ad. Is it not amazing? When I opened the magazine and saw it, it really was like something went through me. I can’t stop looking at it. It really was almost like a religious experience. I hate to even fold the page. Once I’m out of here, I don’t want any clothes in my closet that aren’t Brooks Brothers. When I was a kid I had a ton of Brooks Brothers stuff. A preacher who lived near us had a grandson who was a little older than me, and when he outgrew his clothes, they gave them all to me. They would come to visit us two or three times a year, and they would have a big garbage bag of clothes every time. Now I want it to be my own personal brand. This suit in this ad is a work of art. See how subtle it is? But very powerful. I must have it. Next I will send you the picture of some Brooks Brothers slacks I must have. This suit is the epitome of style—you could have worn it in the 1920s, the 1980s, or now in 2004.

I love you,

D.

March 24, 2004

Dearest Beauteous:

About my sisters not “approving” of you. As if that meant anything—actually, yours very much loves you—in the way you can love someone she doesn’t know. She doesn’t write or send things because she doesn’t even do that for me!! She told me she thinks about writing you all the time, and she prays for you every day.

Seth will do fine with my parents. Don’t you worry. He was actually really good when he was with me—it’s wayward energy (like Jennifer and his mother) that he reacts to—Seth will be OK. He was good with you—

Damien, you always leave an amazing impression on people—you truly are a gentleman, and a Southern one at that. I love that my dad loves and respects you. He told me the other day that you’ve endured things he would’ve caved over. I wish you could really know how proud I am of you. You amaze me daily. You automatically know the right things—your fashion sense, music—it was in you, already.

I love you, beauteous.

Your wife,

Lorri

April 6, 2004

My loveliest,

In a way I am jealous of you getting to read this book
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a few pages at a time, because for you it will be like back in the beginning. Back then every single word was amazing because we didn’t know anything of each other, it was all fresh and new. Now, you’ll be learning little bits and scraps all the time that will make things more clear for you. I love sending them to you, and I wish I could see the look on your face as you read every word. I have written until my fingers are stiff and painful, and my wrist feels crooked. For the past few days I’ve written from the moment the light came on in the morning until the moment the light goes off at night.

Your adoring husband,

D.

April 13, 2004

My dearest beauteous,

I’ve been getting your book and reading about you really stays with me. It goes into my bones, and sometimes I get so mad I can hardly stand it . . . Sometimes, I’m amazed how wonderful you are considering what you were born to—but you knew what you were doing from the beginning, you knew what you had to learn.

It makes me feel very fortunate. For all the blocks my parents have, at least I was safe and didn’t feel in a scary place. No wonder you’ve always sought relationships that are “no bones.”

I’m looking forward to reading more.

Maybe someday, I’ll write things about me for you (I would never publish it, not interesting to other people).

I’m first going to have to start drawing again. It makes me happy, and you deserve things.

I love you,

Lorri

April 21, 2004

My loveliest,

My writing is slowing down now. Or mayhap my mind just isn’t so sharp today because I was up all night wrestling with those rats. I hate those bastards. Writing this book is doing something to me. It’s bringing me closer to the outside world, making me remember what it was like to be free, and making me want it more. Lorri, I had really forgotten. Isn’t that strange? I didn’t think it was true, but I had. Something in my heart is an animal, and it has been kicked awake like an old dog. It’s awake now, and it’s smacking its jaws. It’s time to get up to business, and everyone knows you can’t spell business without SIN. I remember life. The music is helping me, too. Ever since we’ve been here, I haven’t felt the urge to listen to the radio. Now, I can’t turn it off. I listen to it all night. I’m waking up, you little monkey. How did I ever get lulled into such a deep sleep? Now, it’s time to clap your clappers and snap your snappers.

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My mail seems to be slowing down. Not so much of it is coming anymore. Anna’s movie needs to hurry up and come out so people can be reminded.
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I love you,

D.

April 29, 2004

My beauteous beauteous,

Mom and Dad were so happy to see you. Mom got all dressed up, Damien—she rolled her hair the night before and bought new clothes. It broke my heart. I almost cried when they weren’t going to let her in. You could tell she was really upset.

I love you, Damien.

Lorri

June 17, 2004

My lovely,

You are supposed to give this little diagram to Theresa. It’s the place I was sleeping the night of May 5th.

I love you,

D.

June 28, 2004

Dearest beauteous,

You’ll be getting a letter from a woman in North Carolina who is doing a benefit. She is really doing a lot. I just wanted to give you a heads-up, ’cause she’ll probably make a lot of money for the fund. We may have Dad and Lucy paid off before we know it!! That will make me so happy.

Theresa and Dennis want me to come to SF after the weekend in Seattle. That will be a long time gone. We’ll have to talk about it.

I love you!

L.

August 2, 2004

My dearest,

Neil was trying to talk to me about his exploits with spanking and I shut it down. I will not be discussing such things with him. Only you. I couldn’t believe. Some girl from Texas he spanked all over San Francisco.

He also asked if I’d ever had phone sex. I let a second go by, then said, “I have a husband in prison!”

Your wife,

Lorri

August 5, 2004

Damien,

I just sent a letter about the phones to Betsey. I’ve spent over $57,000 on the phones since we met!! Isn’t that amazing?

Your wife,

Lorri

September 14, 2004

Loveliest of the baby animals,

Lorri, are you ever amazed by the fact that I’m innocent and on death row? Sometimes when I think about it, it “blows my mind.” How could this happen? Things like this aren’t supposed to happen.

Your adoring husband,

D.

September 16, 2004

Dearest,

Damien, all I want is to have you home. It has actually been causing me physical pain because I miss you so much. I just want this over. I just want you here.

I love you horribly,

L.

October 19, 2004

My loveliest,

I did go outside today after all. I was so exhausted from walking around in circles for an hour that it made me sick. I’m not used to anything but this cell. That’s how it will be for a great while when I first get out, too. I’ll need a cane. I came back in and fell into a deep sleep.

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Now, they’re not even drying our clothes. They pull them straight out of the washer and send them to us soaking wet. We’ve had pancakes for the last three meals, because they’ve run out of supplies in the kitchen. They’ve got enough pancake mix to last forever, it seems. That’s why I say I’ll never eat another pancake once I’m out of here.

Do you remember that guard who had me sign the copy of Mara’s book for him? He killed himself. A single gunshot. I can still feel him around. It plagues me. It’s one of those things I’ll see forever.

I love you,

D.

December 2, 2004

Dearest baby Monkus,

’Tis the first day of December, one of the two greatest months of the year. The other is January. In an ideal world we would alternate between December and January, and the rest of the months would cease to exist. They’re nestled right in the gray heart of winter, buffered on one side by November, and on the other by February. The summer can’t sneak up on you. The magick of December and January is like living inside a snow globe.

*

When I was a kid, people were amazed by how fast I was. In Mississippi, people used to stand on the porch and watch me running around. They’d say things like, “Look at his legs!” An old black woman used to call me a rabbit. I want to run again. Not hopping up and down on a concrete floor, or jogging around New York, like Susan, but real running. Through the woods. Through real earth, where you feel your feet dig in for traction. Where your body feels like a machine, everything flowing smoothly. It’s hard to even imagine such a thing now.

I have a cavity in my wisdom tooth. That settles it. Now, it has to come out. Drat! I am terrified.

I LOVE you,

Damien

January 19, 2005

My lovely,

It’s time to start doing something, Lorri. You can start with that building class. It’s time to start growing. You are withering up. All those things in you that are so magickal and that make my heart explode are drying up. Everything is going out and nothing is coming in. It’s scaring me, Lorri. Very much so. Every day it becomes harder and harder to write these letters because there’s not even anything to write about. I can’t bring new life in, Lorri. It’s impossible for me, I’m helpless. It’s up to you. You’ve got your drawing supplies, and you can sign up for that building class. Then you can sign up for one of those martial arts classes you’ve talked about off and on. This is one more thing closing in, suffocating, making life harder. This is one thing that you can actually do something about. And I already know that we will fight over this. It’s going to cause a great deal of stress, because you’ve become so used to doing nothing that you want to continue to do it. And, if you do, you will kill us both. You’ve dug yourself into a rut, and it’s hard to get you to move. I’m scared and I’m angry and I’m stressed out. I can’t give one more fucking inch or I’m going to snap. My fucking spine is breaking, so please don’t make this any harder than it already is. You have to move, Lorri. Please.