Yours for Eternity: A Love Story on Death Row (27 page)

I know I have some work to do with you. I can tell. You little thing.

I love you, beautiful,

L.

April 4, 2001

My lovely one,

Three thousand dollars is pretty good, considering that the fund has been open for about a week. Then if we get that $25,000, that would be $28,000. Very good. Lorri, no one else could do this except you. No one. They’re not capable. Even if I don’t always say it, I’m very, very thankful for what you are doing. You will be the one to save me. I don’t want you to think that what you’re doing isn’t being recognized because it is.

I am yours forever,

D.

April 10, 2001

My lovely ladybug,

This morning when I woke up I was soooo happy, because the birds had started building a nest in my window. They must have been busy throughout the night, making trips to bring the grass. I couldn’t stop thinking about how I would get to sit and look at the baby birds when they hatch, see them grow, and watch the big birds sit on the eggs. I thought that even if for some reason they decided not to finish it, it was still nice to be able to look at the grass they left behind. Then, as I was doing my morning sitting, they came back and took all the grass away! They didn’t leave even a tiny scrap behind. They took everything their little beaks could get a hold of. I couldn’t believe it. Much disappointment. Why did they have to do that?

I am yours forever,

Damien

April 26, 2001

My dearest Damien,

Your case was reversed and remanded by the Supreme Court today. Ed Mallett says it is the best we could’ve hoped for. He told me to tell you that. I will explain more tonight, it was just sent back to Judge Burnett for more work on his part.

I want to talk to Rob Owen, so I can understand more what is up.

Joe Berlinger sent $2,500—sound familiar? It’s the $2,500.00 owed to you anyway!!! Can you believe it?! People are too funny.
*

Lorri

May 7, 2001

Dearest beautiful,

I just love you so much, Damien, and I get scared that I’m not going to keep up with everything or do the right thing or not say the right thing or be the right person.

Your wife,

Lorri

May 14, 2001

My dearest Damien,

I just sent $5,200 more dollars to the trust account!! That really is $17,000—now—if some of that BIG money would come in!!

It’s so nice of people to send money. Some are sending weekly or monthly $5, $10, or $50. I’m writing to all of them. It really is the best.

I want to go home and do yoga. But there is more time to be spent here. Time to stop wishing and be here.

Forever yours,

L.

May 30, 2001

Dearest one,

We get an oral argument for the writ of error—Mallett is going to have Rob Owen do it, which I think is smart—Ed wouldn’t know what he was doing.

This just in . . . the Innocence Project (Barry Scheck) is now working with the civil case in NY to try to get DNA stuff. How interesting.

I love you, beautiful,

Lorri

June 8, 2001

Lovely Monkey,

I can’t believe it’s already Thursday. I see you tomorrow, and another week is gone. It’s amazing how time passes so quickly. It doesn’t seem there’s any way that I could have been here for all these years. Perhaps, soon I will be with you.

*

Perhaps they’ll rule on Rule 37 soon. I’m not expecting anything from it, but it’ll be nice to be out of state court. Out of the hands of morons.

I am yours forever,

Damien

June 14, 2001

Dearest beautiful one,

Some guy named T. J. Wilford has started posting on the website—Jene called and told me. He was friends with Ryan Clark before the murders, and has been telling all the horrible things he saw JMB do to Christopher. According to him, that kid was horribly abused, and so hyper he was hard to be around. I am trying to put him in touch with the investigator from Parker’s firm.

Maybe something will happen.

I love you, beautiful,

Lorri

September 25, 2001

Dearest,

I read John Philipsborn’s document last night. I really have a much better feel for what happened in that courtroom. It made me very, very sad that you had no one to help you.

I couldn’t sleep very well. I wish everyone could read that thing—it was very good. I still have some more to read.

I talked to the new investigator today. I’m going to meet with him next week—I’m going to tell him everything in Mara’s book.

I love you, beautiful,

L.

October 9, 2001

My Love,

I know it’s hard on you, these times. Still, you have to listen to me, Lorri. I know what I’m doing. I had thought this chance gone forever. I had given up on it, thought it gone never to be seen again. Imagine my surprise to see that the doors were slammed wide open this year, a full invitation. And I know that this is the last time it will ever be so. If I lose it now, I lose it period. Yeah, it’s hard for you now, but just imagine if I can come to you a hundred thousand times better than ever before. Imagine feeling things for me a hundred times stronger than you do now, and being with me forever. Do you not consider that worth a little pain?

I’m more ready right now than I’ve ever been. Zen, the Tao, Vajrayana, the Golden Dawn, the old ways, and Gnosticism, Sufism, and Catholicism. So many bases from which to draw power. I’ll walk right in like I own the place.

You just be good, Lorri. I love you more than words can say and nothing can ever change that. You just need to calm down and stop worrying so much. I know more of you than you know.

I love you,

Damien

October 31, 2001

My love,

Curious to know what this mysterious calling benefactor said last night. I don’t trust him. “Oh, I just happen to have an extra million that I found in the pocket of one of my old tuxedos—you can have it.”

*

I love you, Lorri. No matter what you think, I do just want things to go back to normal. For you to be OK.

I love you,

D.

November 13, 2001

Dearest Damien,

First of all—I am not depressed—and secondly, I have no desire to go out and “do more” in this place. The thought of going to a café or sitting somewhere “drinking coffee” or something like that sickens me. Yes, I know I used to do that in NY—but I was searching for something and I am not searching anymore. Damien, I was sad because of the things I have been talking to you about over the last few weeks—I’m not “depressed.” I know Susan means well, but she can’t understand. She doesn’t know what it means to “have” what you have always wanted—to know that it is everything to you and you can just be enveloped by it. Even if things are sad. It’s still just you that I want. I found it to be funny—both you and her telling me I need to “get out more.” I don’t.

If something occurs to me that I want to do, then I shall do it. I have what I want. That is my life with you.

You need to just stop with your meddling. I mean it.

Some people just don’t know—but you do.

I love you,

L.

December 14, 2001

My lovely one,

You’re entirely too much lately. I can hardly even take it. Just the very sight of you hurts my heart, with all your stuff. You’re a real person. I’m not. Just seeing all your business reminds me that I’m not a real person. The closest I can come is this cartoon character. It just makes me love you a thousand times more. I’ll be very glad when tomorrow arrives and I get to see your beautiful face.

What’s the next unpleasant thing we have to deal with? There’s always something lurking just around the corner. That’s how I keep track of time these days, by how long it is until the next unpleasant thing. Someone coming, or something I have to do, or some other pure bullshit. It’s about time to be getting the hell up out of here. There are things we have to do, and they’re not getting done here.

I love you,

D.

December 18, 2001

My Lovely One,

This weekend I had terrible fun with you. It’s torture not to begin immediately calling again first thing this morning. You’re all the baby animals wrapped up in one. “Will you be my friend?” You nearly killed me when you said that. My heart blew up. Of course I will be your friend, little critter. Forever and ever.

I love you,

Damien

December 21, 2001

My beloved Damien,

I mean it about the mail thing—if you write me one letter a week—or even if you don’t do that—I will be happy. I would much rather get a letter from you that you were excited to write than letters that are drudgery for you. And I am so completely honest about that. With no hidden tricks—it’s exactly as it should be.

I love you,

Lorri

January 3, 2002

Dearest Damien,

That’s another thing about last night. I was looking around and I thought—if Damien were sitting here beside me, I would be so proud to be with him—he is so beautiful, your lovely face and body—but just the feel of you.

You really are mine, I have claimed you, but I know I must give you up to all and everything. It has been the work of my life. I used to think it was getting you out of there—that is a job—my work is to let go, but still have you. I know it will be the best life and you will love me even more than you could even imagine.

There are no more excuses.

I love you,

Lorri

January 15, 2002

My lovely one,

Most nervous about meeting your mom and dad. I guess they won’t get my letter until after they’ve already been here. Isn’t it hard to believe they’re actually coming here? Just to think, I’m meeting your parents!

I love you,

D.

January 23, 2002

My dearest Damien,

My heart hurts terribly. I love you so much. Seeing you with my parents yesterday gave me a whole new appreciation for you and for them. My parents are surprising me lately.

This morning my dad said, “Seems like you married yourself a pretty good boy.” I laughed and said I already knew that. He said, “I only wish he didn’t listen to that ‘heavy metal’—I don’t know much about it, but it seems to get blamed for a lot of things—like Columbine.”

I told him just like everything else, he shouldn’t judge it til he hears it.

They really like you. I think they are breathing a big sigh of relief—now they know you, I’m so glad!! I kept looking at you thinking of how proud I am to be married to you.

I’m a little emotional this morning.

I noticed yesterday, how you were very much yourself—yet you made allowances for my mom and dad. You were such the gentleman. I am forever amazed by you, Damien, and I can’t stop this overwhelming love I have for you.

I have to work really hard to get you out of there!!!

Your wife,

Lorri

January 24, 2002

My love,

You know what? I think I miss your parents. I really like them, as long as it’s in small doses. I wouldn’t mind at all if they were to come back for a return visit.

I love you,

Damien

June 6, 2002

My dearest,

I got three letters from you yesterday. I couldn’t get to sleep last night, so I reread them very late at night. I love your letters, Damien. There is always at least one thing in all of them that rivets me. It’s been a long time since I slept with your letters under my pillow, but I did last night. I can’t get close enough.

*

I believe “Miss Manners” is a Zen master. You’d know if you read it.

Your wife,

L.

June 28, 2002

My lovely one,

I hopped out of bed and tried to call you first thing this morning—no answer! Y’all are out and about early on this day. I miss you too much, Lorri. I just want to hear your voice. All day long I lie here in bed, thinking about how I always self-destruct. Sometimes, lately I think you’re like a test. Here I’ve been given this wife who is perfect in every way, in ways I didn’t even realize at first—like not knowing that every other woman on the planet apparently has cellulite—and it’s a test just to see exactly how long it takes before I fuck myself off. Sooner or later, it’s bound to happen. Even knowing what a rare, magickal, wonderful thing I possess —I’m still a time bomb, waiting to fuck myself. I just want to make you happy. Lately, when you say things about how you want to spend your life making me happy, I feel a wave of sadness roll over me, feeling like I’m not worth shit, I’m fucked up, worthless. I want so desperately to say the same things to you, but it feels as if they would be so false coming from me.

Forever,

D.

July 5, 2002

My lovely one,

You truly are a remarkable thing. I keep thinking of you offering to let Domini stay with you and try to find a place here. That is something that no one else would do. I’m so lucky to have you. There’s nothing like you anywhere else. You keep asking why I’m married to you and not someone else. It’s because of what you are, Lorri. You and all your magick and monkey business. You are the greatest thing. Just thinking of you right now, and all you do, it makes my heart hurt. I love you, Lorri. I never forget what you are.

*

Holidays are so weird in here. Especially the feeding times, only two meals. I really don’t think breakfast foods are very good for you, except for oatmeal. The rest of it just smells like it does more damage than good—eggs, biscuits, all that. Today is Jason’s birthday. He was a 4th of July baby.

I am yours forever,

Damien

July 9, 2002

Dearest Damien,

Cally sent a note this morning. All it said was . . . “How does a guy in prison spend so much money?” You know she should be smacked, or her head nuzzled for that. I’m sure you will get a like question.

I love you, beautiful.

L.

September 12, 2002

Dearest one,

Your case is now officially on hold. That was the big news today. J. Burnett has 60 days to do something about the DNA. We shall see. I’m so glad, it’s exactly what we need to happen.