Yours for Eternity: A Love Story on Death Row (19 page)

*

Today, after I stopped crying—I decided to start thinking of everything we’ve done together. There is so much. It made me really, really calm and happy. How well I know you, how much I have come to depend on you, and I am glad of it. I completely depend on you and you never, ever let me down—you are always there—and I am always here for you.

*

Damien, what you were saying about feeling things—and how you never have before . . . it is because of us—everything that happens to you or me is because of us. It’s so wonderful even though sometimes it hurts so much, or it leaves us “stunned” but just think how amazing it all is . . . Damien, you are so powerful to me and for me—you have the ability to do anything to me—I feel things and know things. Soon, we will touch each other. I know it.

I love you, I belong to you,

L.

August 14, 1997

My love,

I am going to try to get someone to call and tell you, but I figured I should send this just in case—once again, they have put a block on your phone. I knew this was going to happen. I will talk to you as soon as I can. I miss your beautiful voice so much already. I know this is going to drive me insane. I love you, and that’s all that matters. Just hold that in your heart and repeat it over and over again. I love you beyond measure.

I am yours for eternity,

D.

August 19, 1997

My love,

I’m starting to feel something I’ve never felt in my life. I feel your protectiveness. I feel you wanting to protect me and I love it. Damien, it’s so, so romantic to me. Not jealousy, it’s absolute protectiveness of something that is yours. Yours to protect. I can’t even believe how I feel now. And this is going to sound so, so funny, but I don’t know how else to put it—but at times, you are the epitome of maleness to me. The way you look at me, how you say things to me, even when you don’t realize it—it is the most natural feeling for me with you, whatever that thing is—male/female and any other word that encompasses the idea—whatever that is—it is the strongest it has ever been with you and me. I want you to take care of me, I want you to look at me the way you do. Like you own me, like I am yours, or when you look at me like you love the way I look at you. It makes me so, so much more in love with you each time.

And today, when I saw you—when you sat back against the wall and I could see all of you—Damien, I have never seen anything so beautiful—not just seeing all of you, or most of you—all at once—it’s seeing you in that state of what your love for me does to you—what my love for you does to you.

But then there was this sudden desire in me—I wanted you to see me. I wanted it, but something else said, “Not all of you, just a little.” I don’t know why—I could’ve taken off all my clothes right then and there.

*

I was thinking of what you said about buying clothes for your trial—and in the rest of our life together. I will always want to get things for you. I’ve been thinking of what I would get for you. Different things every time.

*

I went out to stand in the vacant lot across from where I live to look at the moon. It is so incredibly beautiful tonight.

Did you make the moon water? I can’t wait to drink it with you.

*

Damien . . . I just got a job.

I love you so much,

Lorri

September 11, 1997

My beautiful wife,

Yes, my beautiful one, I am so happy that they are going to let you take time off from work to come here. But it’s only natural, don’t you think? Everything else has fallen into place, so this must also. It couldn’t be otherwise. And now I see you in 4 days! I can’t wait.

*

The [dentist] came down here today and he stopped to talk for a couple of minutes. He says he wants to write my biography. I just stood there and looked at him. I don’t have time for any such nonsense. It would be impossible to do such a thing—my attention is completely and totally held by you. And it makes me angry that people can’t realize it. There is no room for anything but you.

*

Yep, now I outweigh you by 34 pounds. Now I want to lie on top of you while I’m inside of you, and hold you down so that you couldn’t move a muscle even if you wanted to. And that’s how I want to fuck you. And I will keep my mouth clamped over yours, so that you can’t even cry out. Is that what you still want?

I am yours forever,

Damien

September 19, 1997

My love,

It’s strange, isn’t it, that dentist who wants to write your biography? I suppose if anyone were going to write it—a dentist is the best choice. Can you imagine a biography from a dentist’s point of view?

“At about the age of 12 a catastrophic event . . . 14 cavities all at once! This was a direct result of the lifestyle she had fallen into. Cakes, cookies, ice cream. Her life was a whirl of treats and good-time boys. 2 of which did not receive cleanings every 6 months and were from the wrong side of the tracks . . .”

He would write about you based on the condition of your teeth . . .

Years of smoking—suddenly halted, a sweet tooth, if not teeth—one could write a book based on the condition of his mouth . . .

I’m not really grasping the dental/biography thing.

I think it’s kind of funny, though.

Although I completely know what you mean about not having space for anything else . . .

Going to work drives me crazy. I hate to have to think of anything but you.

Yours forever and yours alone,

L.

October 6, 1997

Dear Mrs. Echols,

I like saying that. And I will now be able to say it for all eternity.

Lorri, I don’t think you know how very happy you have made me this day. Yes, my beautiful one, I am certain, 100% positive, beyond a shadow of a doubt, without question—I want to be married to you. I want it as much as I want to have a child with you—it’s on the same level to me. They are two of the most beautiful things that I can conceive of. I want them with you. I want them so much. I can think of nothing more beautiful.

*

I can’t stop thinking of it. It’s all I can think of. Lorri, we are going to be married!!! Is that not a miracle? Is that not magick?

My beautiful one, what I was talking about on the phone—what I did is called “The Invocation of the Four Watchtowers”—fire, air, earth, and water. All it is is a highly concentrated prayer to invoke all 4 elements to fill you with their spirit. It’s just like receiving the Eucharist. In essence, it is a way of saying to the magick, “Fill me, make me one with you.” I haven’t done it in years. And when I did it, I felt the binding. You kept asking who did it—there were these idiots that are so pompous, so full of themselves, that they believe things like that are their “job,” their “responsibility.” If they thought I was the one that had killed those children, and that it was for some magickal purpose, as everyone said, then they would have done it to keep me from harming anything else with magick—at least that’s
what they say. The truth is that they do it to save face, to distance themselves from me, because they feel that any action I performed could reflect badly on them. I should have expected such a thing long ago, but I wasn’t even here one week when I received a letter telling me how I had single-handedly set the entire movement of magick-users and witches back at least 500 years, and how they had worked so hard to clear up stereotypes, misconceptions, and superstitions commonly held, and I had wrecked it all. No, there is no way to remove it—only the one who did it can remove it—but there are thousands of ways around it. Whoever did it is not very strong. It seems like something a common witch would do.

I am yours for eternity,

Damien

October 6, 1997

Damien, your face is not fat.

It is so, so beautiful. There is not an ounce of fat on you. You are perfect. And so incredible to look at—every time I see you, I am amazed at how much more beautiful you have become.

Something incredible has happened. You want to marry me. Damien, I was so afraid that you wouldn’t want to. I am in awe to think that you will be my husband. I have never spoken those words, “my husband.” My husband, Damien.

I want so to please you, always—to make you feel how enormous this all is to me. How much I respect you for how you believe. That’s what I mean . . . I have always felt I would live without it if you felt it wasn’t right. But I am thrilled to know that you want it—please tell me again that you believe it can and will be sacred between us. That you can feel that way with me. I can’t regret anything in my life—I can only know everything brought me to you—but you must always remember, I have never given myself in marriage. I have never called anyone “my husband.” It doesn’t matter—all that matters to me is that you love me.

I live to be by your side, forever,

Lorri

October 7, 1997

My beautiful lover,

Lorri, I do want to be married to you. I want it so badly. Every time I think of it, I feel light-headed. Yes, I want it. It will make everything so much better, and it will put an extra barrier around us, so that nothing could even begin to come into our world. Baby, it’s going to be absolutely perfect. Nothing could be more divine. I can hardly wait for it. It’s going to be so perfect, and so right. Lorri, don’t you doubt that I want it, even for a second. I want it. It is something of us.

I love and belong to you for eternity,

D.

October 16, 1997

My Beautiful Lover,

The moon is really bright out there, and I’m making the water. It’s so cold in here, my bones are hurting, and I love it. Fall is here at last.

I knew you could tell how I was feeling, the meanness, as soon as you picked up the phone. And it has only gotten stronger as the night progresses.

*

Baby, don’t you think I have seen all that weakness you have left behind—like the self-pity—don’t you think I can see it? You have truly amazed me, doing some of those things, because you have done it and not even looked back or relapsed. You become stronger with every ordeal we pass through. Lorri, I can see it very plainly. I don’t think I become stronger, I think I have just become a little more wise, I have my eyes open a little more. You never stop teaching me. But I still have so, so far to go. And you will take me there.

*

Lorri—I have to get you a wedding ring!!! And yes, my love, you will have that dress. It will all work out. You have made me so happy. When I think of it, I can’t even sit still.

I love you,

D.

October 29, 1997

My Beautiful One,

For the past two days, I have made love to you while I wait for you to get home. . . .The reason I am able to live for a day, because I know at the end of that day, I get to hear you tell me you love me. That is what I live for.

I need you so much. I need you, need to just hear your voice so very bad tonight. I miss you so bad, it is painful. It is hurting. I just need to be near you, to hear you, to be able to tell you I love you.

Lorri, do you exist only for me? I just need to hear it. I need to hear it. I need to hear you tell me that you cannot live without me, that I am your life. I just need to hear it.

My lover, don’t you realize you are all of those things to me? You are perfect, and so, so beautiful, and you are the most magickal thing that has ever existed. Lorri, you are the reason I live. You are my life, my soul. I cannot draw a single breath without you. Please, please tell me that you know these things, that you believe these things. Please tell me, because if you do not know these things, then I will lose my mind. I could not stand the pain of knowing that you did not believe it with all your heart. Please tell me you know these things. Lorri, I do worship you. I love you beyond my ability to express. You must know that. I must make you see and understand. I must.

*

My lovely creature, you are my baby, and you already have 100% of my attention, 24 hours a day. No one or nothing can take my
attention from you even for a second. So it’s not even necessary for you to “cry out” for me to hold you, because that’s what I am always doing.

Lorri, I want you to follow up what I say with something about you. I must hear those things, I must know how you are thinking and feeling, even if it’s a reaction to something I have said. I must have that. Please, please don’t stop.

*

I love you so much that I feel like my heart is breaking. I would give anything to hold you for just a moment right now. Anything. I love you so much. I only hope you can feel it. Lorri, I would not hurt you for anything. It kills me to know I’ve caused you pain. I love you so much. I belong to you, Lorri. And I’ll do anything to prove it.

I am yours for eternity.

Damien

November 10, 1997

My beautiful Damien,

Damien . . . sometimes I feel I should be doing more things to help you. To find out things—just poking around some—it doesn’t seem like anyone else is—and I’m down here. I’m sure I could find some stuff out. Just by asking questions around—following certain people—looking at files, papers. I just feel like I’m wasting time. But I want to have your support. I would be very, very careful. What do you think? It certainly won’t hurt. And I really don’t see anyone else doing anything.

No, my lovely, I’ll rephrase that—I don’t feel I am wasting time—I never do being with you. I just feel I could be doing something that could quite easily be helpful in getting you out of there. I think I could be a pretty good investigator.

*

Did you ever celebrate Thanksgiving? If so, how? I want to hear all about it.

This year, as it was last, you will be with me. As you always will be from now on.

I actually do make a dinner—but it’s nothing anyone else would want to eat. Namely you. We’ll have to fix that—we’ll come up with the best meal from now on.