Yours for Eternity: A Love Story on Death Row (8 page)

There is so much to tell you. So many more letters to write—so many descriptions to give you, explanations to make.

I’ve never felt about anyone the way I feel about you. I still can’t quite put my finger on it. One minute I think of you as a lover that’s been ripped away from me—my heart hurts so much, and I have to admit that I get jealous (even though I’m not jealous by nature—or not much). When I think of you and your past or present loves,
that’s when I really believe we were together in that way somewhere not that long ago.

Other times, I just think of you as the other half of me—so much like me—like my closest friend—but more than that actually—a part of me. That’s a less cagey way to feel. Then I’m more or less even-keeled—it’s when I think of you as a lover that I get totally confused—but I suppose that’s natural. I actually like when I feel a combination of the two.

Everyone thinks my idea of a romantic relationship is so skewed anyway.

But I’ve always been this way—but never like it is with you—it’s one thing to live with someone day after day—it’s another thing to have someone move into your heart and mind.

*

I’m looking forward to our next phone tryst—but I still adore writing to you.

Lorri and Damien finally come into the 20th century.
*

All my love,

Lorri

July 1, 1996

My dearest Lorri,

I’ve been thinking a lot today. About all kinds of things, but they all have something to do with you. I was thinking of how you said last night that when I saw you in person, you were afraid it would scare me. The only thing I can think of that you could mean by that is your physical appearance. Lorri, you are very beautiful, but at the same time, it wouldn’t matter to me what your physical appearance was. It bothers me that you would even think that, like a tiny sliver of ice going through my heart. I love who you really are, and nothing else matters.

*

Today I was wondering, thinking, contemplating all sorts of useless information and I realized that if someone were to ask me how long I have known you, I wouldn’t know if I should say “a few months” or “a few centuries.” Maybe both. It’s a little confusing. But I love it. I would trade it for nothing.

Sending love forever to my dear one,

D.

July 1996

Hi Damien,

I was thinking about what you said—that you always knew you were going to be known—I’m sure I’m not phrasing that properly, but it’s funny, I’ve always known something extraordinary was going to happen to me—but not like being known, or famous—something quiet and magical—behind the scenes, but very powerful. I’ve always felt that. I’m wondering and beginning to believe it has something to do with you. I know things like this don’t come easy, and this certainly hasn’t been easy—but it has been extraordinary.

I can’t wait to see what’s in store for us—it’s sitting inside me like a small growing seed—it’s quite marvelous—although sometimes it’s a little uncomfortable.
*

Much, much love to you,

Lorri

July 8, 1996

My dearest Damien,

I am so giddy with speaking to you! It’s like a whole other world has opened up. Not that it makes you any more “real” to me—it’s just another layer. I must admit it makes me less anxious—at least I can direct my feelings somewhere—whereas with letters, as wonderfully romantic and dreamy as they are—I sometimes feel like they are just flying around out there—you’ll get these thoughts at some point—but with the phone—I can actually hear you breathe. I sometimes stop breathing myself just so I can listen to you.

*

I find myself almost pleased with the jealousy I was telling you I felt at times. When you were telling me about how you felt about creating a child—I was secretly thinking—that’s not fair—if I was going to have a child in this life—well, it most certainly should’ve been with Damien!!!! Isn’t that funny? But I feel perfectly at ease with those thoughts. They seem perfectly natural to me.

*

Even with as much as I have loved and love people in my life—I’ve never allowed anyone to take up residence in my soul, but you just seem to belong there—as a matter of fact I just welcomed you right away, like you’d been away for a while and then quietly returned.
(Well, maybe not so quietly—I think you disturbed some very heavy pieces of furniture that make up my interior!)

You, I adore you so much.

*

I haven’t felt like this for anyone. Yes, I’ve missed people before, and I still do. But with you, I don’t know, Damien, it’s all-encompassing. I don’t know what to do about the physical part—I mean—I can write you my thoughts and now I can hear your voice—but I don’t know about this physical part. It’s almost over my head. Do you understand? I mean, I can’t deny that there is a sexual aspect to it—I do think about being close to you in that way—which is even more perplexing not having anything to be physically attracted to—no smell, no touch, no skin—but it’s there, and I feel it—but it’s unlike any physical attraction I’ve ever had—because it does go beyond that. I wish we could just leave our bodies and meet somewhere because I get impatient with my body—it sometimes seems so base—I know the gist of my love for you is not physical—but my body likes to feel otherwise—and I’m certainly not used to feeling these things—I want to make it stop sometimes and other times I want to feel it all the more, because it’s for you and all I want to do is hold you in my arms. Do you ever feel this way? And are you utterly confused by it, or does it seem perfectly fine for you? I haven’t even wanted to discuss this with you—because I think or thought it made me sound weak or unevolved and I also think it very presumptuous of me, and then there’s the hesitancy even speaking of it because you have probably come to terms with such things in your life and why should I assume you would ever even think such thoughts—specifically, I mean, especially about someone you’ve never seen. Will you help me with this? Quite possibly, it’ll
pass and it’s a natural state in any relationship, even one as unique as ours. And then again, maybe I’ll always feel these things for you—which makes me quite giddy to think about—because you are the warmest, sweetest person I could feel this way for—and I must say for now it makes me feel very special and blessed.

*

I still love writing to you—even more, now. I’m still not quite brave enough to say some things to you, but I feel so comfortable writing to you.

Yours,

Lorri

July 9, 1996

My dearest Lorri,

Everything is so hectic right now. I don’t think I can stand it. No one understands anything. It seems that the whole world is so cold, so unfeeling. I’m thinking of going into “seclusion” for a while, maybe forever. I just don’t even feel like talking to anyone anymore, it’s so much trouble, it’s shattering my nerves and tearing me apart. Except for you. You’re the only one I even want to talk to or think about anymore. You’re the only one who understands. You’re my hiding place from the world. You’re a complete, separate universe that I can escape to.

*

I should have seen this coming, but I was blind as usual. You’re absorbing me, but you’re also giving me back pieces of myself that I had lost for so, so long. It’s so painful, but so pleasant at the same time. I don’t know what comes next, but I surrender everything to spirit, to let it happen as it will, and I will enjoy every minute of it. I have gotten drunk off of this entire experience; my entire being is reeling from the bliss of it.

Sending love forever to my dearest one,

Damien

July 11, 1996

Dearest Lorri,

Do you have pierced ears? I was just curious; mine have been pierced since 5th grade.

It never occurred to me to ask you before, but what’s your middle name?

What’s your favorite color?

What size shoes do you wear? Mine are size 13. I have very large feet for someone my size.

I won’t bother you with any more stupid questions. I’ll close for now. Thinking of and missing you, sending love forever to my dear one.

D.

July 15, 1996

My dearest Lorri,

You made me so happy today that there is no way I could express it, because I read some things in your letters that said things that I wanted to say, but couldn’t bring myself to say. My mind is racing so fast, my hand can’t keep up.

First off, let me explain about the physical contact. I’m not “above” it as you thought, because I constantly have a thought that goes around in my head—I know how you love to sleep, and there is nothing in the world that I want to do more than be able to hold you while you sleep, to watch over you, to be able to press my lips to your head and breathe in all those beautiful, magickal things that wander through your dreams. I would love to be able to trace the features of your face with my fingers, to kiss your hands. I am not talking about lust, because this is as far from lust as you could get. I would love to be able to fall asleep with my arms around you. It’s just too hard to explain; the only way I know how to express it is: “For you, I would forsake everything, I would drop everything and follow you to the ends of the earth, because you are as much a part of me as my own heart and blood, you are me.”

Secondly, I have thought many, many times, “If I was to only have one child, why could it have not been with Lorri?” That child would be something that I long to be—half of you and half of me. I wouldn’t have even minded the morning sickness, I would have cherished it because it would have been part of you that I would be
able to express with my physical body. I’ve thought a lot about the way I used to hold Domini while she was pregnant, the way I would trace my hands over her stomach for hours at a time, and thought, “How much more wonderful could it have been if it would have been Lorri?” Am I making sense at all? I know I’m not, but I still know that you will understand.

I cannot possibly explain how big a part of me you have become. It’s like now my entire universe is comprised of nothing but you.

Sending more love than you can imagine to my dearest one,

D.

July 15, 1996

My Dearest Damien,

My whole conception of love has changed, too. It really is all-powerful—I never had any idea—it transcends all of my “limitations”—time, distance, lifetime, physical need, jealousy, fear (the big one), commitment. None of those things matter when it comes to pure love—and I am just now learning this—from and with you. And I thought I had learned so much in this life—I thought I could live through anything—and here you are—to humble me, and to make me see how much one really can endure—and still be at peace.

I love you so much,

Lorri

July 18, 1996

My dearest,

You don’t know how much I loved the questions you asked—yes, I have pierced ears—although I haven’t worn earrings or any other jewelry for a long time.

*

I got my ears pierced in the fifth grade, too!!!

My middle name is Ann. I think I know yours—it’s Wayne, isn’t it?

My favorite color is blue—what is yours? I also like all shades of gray.

I wear a size 6 shoe—

And no—those aren’t stupid questions—I love them. I always want to ask you questions like that, too.

*

I would love to go out and about with you! Damien, we could have so much fun. And yes, you must see Scott Depot and I must see West Memphis! And yes, you will eat vegetables. Yes, you will. You will. Maybe just a little broccoli—it’s really good.

I’ve never roamed around before. Being the hermit and homebody that I am. I’ve always wanted to do it, too, just skulk about with no particular place to go.

Sending much love,

Lorri

postscript, 2014

So much of what I was doing at this time involved ritual, or anything I could do to make Damien feel physically close to me, and to make the letters special for Damien. I addressed every envelope with a fountain pen using sepia ink, I kissed the back of each letter so that a lipstick mark would show, I opened each of Damien’s letters from the right side, and I wrote a little message underneath each stamp. The stamps themselves had to be special in some way, too—no American flags or roses.

Looking back, that we were becoming so close very quickly was something I dove headlong into. There were definitely instinctual voices telling me that pain was coming, that I should slow down and think about the decisions I was making, but I was in it, and it was full-on rush. My feelings for Damien took over my life.

Somehow, I was able to continue living my professional life and to function in the world—getting up on time, performing at my job, even working sixty-hour weeks at times, but Damien was with me always.

I was very emotional at this time. I often felt unhinged, swinging way out of control. It lasted for a year or so, but I was always capable of keeping stability at the same time. I would learn over the years how to temper my emotions, but I’ll never forget the headiness of the first visits, and the extremes of falling in love with a person who I couldn’t be with, and who was in such peril. I knew it then, as I know it now: It was what I was made for. Damien is who I had searched for my whole life.

Lorri

July 22, 1996

My Dearest Lorri,

How could I have been so stupid? I feel like such a loser. I forgot to tell you happy birthday.

It was a strange chain of events that led me to remember. I was sitting here listening to the radio and reading the astrology book. I was reading about my ruling planet, which is Jupiter, and a guy comes on the radio and says, “This next one, by Mozart, is called ‘Jupiter.’” I immediately stopped reading, and picked up your letters, which are always lying right beside me, and while I was listening, I began to wonder why all your stamps are upside down, then I remembered . . .