Yours for Eternity: A Love Story on Death Row (16 page)

I don’t quite know what to do about that—I am going to talk to you about it tomorrow.

When I was thinking about seeing you, I realized that you will finally be able to catch my scent—I don’t care if there is 3˝ of glass between us—you will be able to—and I will finally be able to look into those beautiful eyes and look at those beautiful hands and wonder what it will be like to kiss that exquisite mouth.

*

Oh, Damien . . .

I am so in love with you.

If only someone at that prison had a heart they would let us spend even one hour together.

*

Now, we have a much more important matter to discuss: body hair.

What do you think? If women were supposed to be hairless, don’t you think they would be? What I’m trying to prepare you for is, in the winter I never shave—I have hair on my legs and under my arms—and I love it. That’s why I was asking. I wanted to get your honest opinion. Oh, I suppose you would come back with all men should have beards. Well, OK, fair enough—but a man isn’t
considered repugnant if he has a beard—whereas a woman’s body hair is considered disgusting by our society. And why? I like cultures that revere mustaches on women—I think if women in our culture were not so concerned with being “perfect” (which, by the way, I think is perfectly scary) their sex drives would be a lot stronger.

I never understood these things.

I remain always yours,

Lorri

November 14, 1996

My Dearest Lorri,

No, my love, I don’t want you to “suffer quietly” or be some sort of pure little thing. I want you to be just as you are—a raging furnace. I was only joking with you. Don’t you think I love to know how much you want and need me? Don’t you know that I love that you tell me of these incredible feelings that I provoke in you? I love it, and I do not want you to change anything.

*

My beautiful one, I don’t care if you never shave your legs or under your arms. It makes no difference to me if you look like the wolf man, or if you’re as bald as an egg. What society says or thinks a man or woman should or should not look or act like holds no concern for me. The longest I’ve ever gone without shaving is about a month. I can’t stand to have all that hair on my face. I think it’s absolutely disgusting. Plus, it makes me look like a pale, skinny Jesus.

I will never be past wanting to be physical with you. How could I be? When you love someone, it’s only natural to want to be joined with them, to be one. If it were up to me, we would spend the rest of our lives in bed together. Sometimes, it’s just so frustrating, because I lie here thinking about it, talking to you about it, and the longing gets worse by the minute, and I still can’t even touch you. It’s enough to drive me insane sometimes.

I love you forever,

Damien

November 21, 1996

My dearest love,

I was completely serious about working at Dairy Queen.

I wish I could work some place where I got paid to just look things up in books—like what exactly is a “batter’s cage”?

Or . . .

How do you catch trench mouth?

I would love that. Just to have people call me and ask me questions.

I believe the job I have now requires far too much responsibility and I don’t like it. No one is going to care if I tell them the wrong answer for the origins of ballet, but it will be a big deal if a large stone wall comes and falls on someone.

Well—to them, anyway.

Or maybe I could be a projectionist in a movie theater.

Maybe painting walls or polishing marble to a high sheen—that’s it! A glassmaker—no . . . ego involved.

All I want to do is be with you.

How will we survive?

We’ll figure it out.

I can’t imagine you a marine. You are far too stubborn (yes, you are) and if I may be so bold as to say, you can be arrogant.

I don’t think that’s the recipe for a marine. Or any military person. I could never understand stripping someone of their identity—but that’s what soldiers are, right? They are soldiers first and “people” second.

Yours,

Lorri

November 29, 1996

My Dearest Lorri,

After you left today, the rest of the day has seemed like it has taken an eternity to pass. Everything seems so different now that you’re gone. Everything seems a little more cold, a little more empty, and I have to wrap myself in my thoughts and feelings for you to keep myself sane. Every time I close my eyes all I can see is your beautiful face, your tiny little ears, your legs. I love you so very much. It’s driving me insane to not have you near me.

*

Yes, I will always call you my wife. It just felt so natural to say that, it just rolled out of my mouth without me even formulating or thinking of it. We are married on a far deeper level than any church could ever invoke.

I love you more than you can imagine,

Damien

December 6, 1996

My Dearest Lorri,

No, when I filed the lawsuits against the prison, I did not really do it for any specific reason. I did it a long time ago; they are just now coming up. Anyway, I have no intention of following them through. I will just allow them to be dismissed. None of that stuff means anything to me or even matters. Only you matter, and I don’t want anything to do with anything of this world. It’s all a waste of time. You are all that matters to me.

No, my love, when I come it’s not your voice I hear. It’s that small sharp intake of breath you always do that I hear. And then everything explodes into oblivion for a fraction of a second that seems like eternity and then during that second, I completely lose myself, there is only you, my consciousness just floating in an empty universe comprised only of you. And then I come back to myself. Does that make sense? I just can’t put it into words. I only know what it is, how it feels. And I love it.

I once asked my mom the same question, why she fell in love with my father. She said it was because she felt sorry for him. She said she felt sorry for him because he was constantly in pursuit of her, trying to get her to go out with him, and she had told him “No” about a hundred times, but he still kept trying. Then one day she said he told her if she would just go out with him once, if she didn’t like him, he would never bother her again. So she said “Yes.” A few months later, they ran away to New Mexico together and got
married. By the time anyone found out, it was already done. Then, about a year later, I was born. My mother said that when I was born, I was so ugly that my father cried. When she told me that, it hurt my feelings at first, then I thought it was hilarious. She said when she first met my father, she didn’t like him because he “thought he was big and bad, riding his motorcycle and smoking his Marlboro cigarettes.” I thought it was funny. She also said it was hell trying to ride a motorcycle all the way from Tennessee to New Mexico and back.

I thought it was kind of romantic.

I love you so, so much. Sometimes I think we’re both insane. And it’s great.

D.

December 23, 1996

My dearest Lorri,

Well, tomorrow we should hear a decision from the Arkansas Supreme Court. I don’t expect anything out of them, they will do nothing to help us, but we must pass through them in order to get to the federal court. The federal court is the one who will help us. Even though I know the Arkansas Supreme Court will do nothing for me, I still can’t help but hope, even though I know I will be let down. It’s still impossible for me not to keep my fingers crossed.

I do have some good news though. There is a show on NBC called
Dateline
and they usually do a show that deals with 4 different topics, and they spend 15 minutes on each. Now they want to do a show where the entire hour will be about nothing but my case. This is major, because this show is watched by the world! This is going to be a bigger help than you can imagine.

*

p.s. I thought about it, and I think Indigo is a good name. It’s much, much better than Matilda. So Indigo it is. And it’s an appropriate name for either a boy or a girl.

My heart and soul belong to you, my loved one,

Damien

December 26, 1996

My Dearest Lorri,

Well, so far 2 out of 4 of my predictions have come to pass, but I was wrong about 1 of them, and we have to wait to see if the fourth will be as I said. I said the Arkansas Supreme Court would make a decision before New Year’s Day, and they did. They made it today. Second, I said they would deny me. They did. Third, I said they would overturn Jason’s conviction, and this is the one I missed, because they denied him, too. My fourth prediction was that I will be released sometime when I am 23. This is the one we have to wait a little longer to see. I still can’t believe that I missed one! Oh well, practice makes perfect.

*

This is our first Christmas together. It’s amazing how different everything is with you. I love sitting here thinking of the first Christmas you, I, and our child will spend together, no one but us. Isn’t it incredible to even think of it? Like a miracle. And of course, the child’s name will be Indigo.

I talked to the new lawyers, and I do not like them. I’ll talk to you about it, but they are soul-suckers.

I feel scared now, because there is no magick anywhere when you are gone. I miss you so bad.

I love you forever,

Damien

January 9, 1997

My dearest,

I just got to work and the radio was on. It was people talking from the Arkansas Department of Correction about the executions tonight. Maybe it was because I hear so little in the news these days—but I sat down and put my ear right next to the speaker and listened to it all. They talked about Paul and his spiritual advisor was speaking. Then they talked about Frankie. I felt so strangely touched—like I wanted to cry. Yet, I just wanted to hold you—that’s all I wanted. After that I left work and went for a walk. Then I became overcome by the feeling that once again—we are going to be together, that you are going to be OK, and that everything will work out fine—not just “fine”—the way it should be—which is tremendous.

I love you,

Lorri

January 9, 1997

My dearest Damien:

It’s Wednesday night and I just had dinner with Susan and Luis. It was cauliflower and spinach. I may give you a grocery list someday—isn’t that a lovely thought? “Damien . . . will you please go to the store for me?” and the list would have things like—Parmesan cheese (grated), broccoli, ice cream, cookies, milk, potato chips, eggs, tampons. Yes, I would sneak that in whether I needed them or not, just to make you buy them. I can’t wait to do little things like that.

“Damien, will you stand on my back, please?”

“Damien, will you hand me my towel?”

“Damien, will you wake me up when you wake up?”

All these things are so simple. I can’t wait.

“Damien, will you come kiss me til I’m dizzy?”

Sweetness.

But I was thinking today, this will be the first time in my life I will ever employ my feminine wiles! I’m going to get you to do all kinds of things! This will be fun! But I promise you will be duly compensated for all of them.

Those are the things I love to think about sometimes. Sitting in a room with you, reading a book, with your head in my lap, you reading too, and stroking your hair. I could stay like that for a long, long time.

We could have toast with jam and butter for breakfast. Or I could make you anything you wanted. Do you like French toast?

I would always do anything you wanted. We will be very, very happy, my loved one.

I kind of don’t want a TV. What do you think? I would like to do without a telephone. But I suppose we should have one.

Imagine how differently we will view the telephone then? No longer the lifeline it is to me now. We will never have to be parted.

Yours forever,

Lorri

January 13, 1997

My love,

For the past few days, I have been lying here thinking, and I don’t feel so very young anymore. Actually, I feel pretty damned old. This feeling comes upon me from time to time, but I don’t believe it’s ever gone this deep before. I mean, I know I’m old, but I don’t always feel that way, just every once in a while. And when I feel it, I can’t stop looking in the mirror, because during these times I can always see myself age a little more. I don’t mean this physical body, I mean when I look at the eyes and allow myself to look as deep into them as I can, I always see my true self getting older and older. Sometimes it makes me a little happy, because I know that with age comes wisdom, and I have been collecting wisdom for a long, long time. But at other times, it doesn’t make me so happy, because I will feel like a very tired, old little creature who is well past its prime. And I feel that in all this time I have spent, I should now at least be able to rest, to just lie with you forever, to touch you, to tell you how much I love you. I don’t think that’s too much to ask. I will be content just to be able to be near you for eternity. That’s the only thing I want. To hell with anything and everything. I have not the time, patience, or mind for it. Nothing else even concerns me, just being with you.

I love you forever, and I belong completely to you for eternity,

Damien

January 22, 1997

My Dearest Damien,

I am so tired tonight—the full moon is in just two days and I will put the water out. Today, I thought of us with our moonade stand out in the middle of nowhere—just ghosts stopping by to buy our drinks.
*

I think about us being somewhere—just the two of us all the time, too. How we will fill the day eating toast with jam. Me drinking coffee—not you, though, you can have tea—chamomile tea! I’ll make everything for you. We’ll know the woods and the fields so well. We’ll find a place to swim, and in the winter we’ll go for long walks in the snow in the cold. We’ll come back to our house and I will make the sweetest love to you that you have ever known. Then I will read to you or we can watch some old wonderful movie.