Your Princess is in Another Castle (35 page)

“I dunno.  My grandpa used to tell me stories of
how back in the forties Captain Marvel was actually more popular than Superman.  I didn’t believe him at first.  It was like how fifty years from now we’ll be telling our grandchildren that Han Solo originally shot first, and they’ll just think were old and senile.  But later I read a book on the history of comics and my grandpa was right.  So while Captain Marvel may only have a minor fanbase now, it wasn’t always that way.”

“Really?  Well, maybe Aquaman
does have a shot at the big time, then.”

“Maybe he does.  But as fun as this has been,
I’m still a little apprehensive about your dislike of dolphins.”

“Don’t worry.  It’s only dolphins I don’t like.
  I like other animals.  I love unicorns, for example.”

“You do?  You aren’t just lying to me?”

“I do.  In fact, I watched The Last Unicorn all the time when I was little.”

“You did?  Well, then you’d know the name of t
he beast that almost drove unicorns to extinction then, wouldn’t you?”

“
Of course.  It was the Red Bull.  And to this day, I won’t drink Red Bull energy drinks because they support genocide against unicorns.”

Sabrina laughs.  “Okay,
I suppose that’s proof that you just have a weird hang-up regarding dolphins and you don’t really want to darken the hearts of all living things.  But I’ll be keeping my eye on you, so don’t let me catch you shapeshifting into a redheaded boy in a maroon jogging suit and downing Red Bulls.”

“
I see that you know your Care Bears rogues gallery.  But I preferred that evil sentient book who corrupted that magician guy to Dark Heart.”  

“
Yeah, that one was good, too.  So what other animals do you like?  Real animals, I mean.  Not animals that appear exclusively in legendary creature bestiaries.”

“I used to h
ave a couple of gerbils when I was a kid.”

“What were their names?”

“Tom Servo and Crow.”

“That’s awesome.
  I love gerbils.  The way they’ll all pile on top of each other when they sleep.  It’s adorable.  I could walk into a pet store and just watch gerbils sleep and run on their wheels all day. 

“
And I used to have a goldfish named Boba when I was little.  I haven’t had any pets in awhile, though.  Not since my parents got divorced and I had two residences.  But once I graduate from school and find a fulltime job instead of working and living with my dad, I’d like to have another pet.”

“I
live in a dorm, so I’m not allowed to have any pets.”  I look at my watch.  “Looks like we better head out if you still want to catch the movie.”

“Sure, let’s go.”

“You think it’ll be good?”

“I have a good feeling
about it.  And the Batman reboot was awesome, so hopefully Bond will take some cues from that.”

I sit on Sabrina’s right when we sit down in the theater.  “So, before our date tonight I read through The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Dating,” I say.  “It talked about a few cutting-edge techniques like this move where I pretend to yawn and then put my arm around you.  I’m dying to try it out.  That’s why I’m sitting on your right, so I’ll ensnare you with my dominant arm.”  

Sabrina giggles
.  “Wow, I really need to stay on my toes tonight, don’t I?  The only move older than the faux yawn would be you hitting me with your club and dragging me back to your cave.  So, are you also planning on running out of gas if we take a drive later?”

“That was in the book, too.
  So what’s your favorite Bond movie?”

“On Her Majesty’s Secret Service.
  It doesn’t star my favorite Bond actor, but I’m a sucker for star-crossed romances and they don’t come much more tragic than that.”

“I like tragic roma
nces, too.  I guess my favorite would be The Terminator.”

“An unusual, but nevertheless applicable
choice for a tragic romance film.”

“
So, since you’re into tragedy, would the most romantic thing I could do for you be to die just as our relationship is coming into its own?”

“
Well, that or avenge my death because I was killed. But not every romance needs to end tragically.  I also love a good happy ending like with The Princess Bride.  Some romances should end with mourning, some with kissing.  You need a balance.  And I’ve had my tragic one already.  You know, I broke one of my dating rules in telling you about Danny.  Never talk about exes is my prime directive for first dates.  But that was an exception since my dad baited you into asking about it.”

“It’s okay.  You made it pretty clear you
’re not still weeping for him.  So who is your favorite James Bond, then?”

“Sean Connery. 
Particularly the early Connery films back before the bad guys had missile bases underneath volcanoes and had plans for world domination that were about as plausible as a typical Cobra Commander scheme.”

“That’s why Timothy Dalton is my favorite Bond.
  He was a serious Bond and had realistic villains who weren’t looking to destroy all the Earth.  But I like Sean Connery, too.  He might have been my favorite if he hadn’t gone out on such a poor note.  And then done that awful unofficial return with Kim Basinger.”

“Yeah, that
one was pretty bad.  In fact, I think that scene where Sean comes back from fishing wearing only those blue overalls is probably the worst Bond moment in the entire series.  I mean it’s pretty hard to make Sean Connery sexually unappealing, but that scene did it.  Although, I guess it could have been worse.  He could have been wearing a Tom Sawyer-style straw hat, too.  But Sean redeemed himself later with Highlander.  Did you ever see that?”   

“You’re into Highlander?”

“Of course.  Hot guys.  Tragic romances.  Songs by Queen.  Sword fights.  What’s not to love?  Except for every movie after the first one, that is.”

“
So, are you a Connor or Duncan kinda girl?”

“Well,
I loved Connor’s tortured hero persona, but Duncan was sexier.  And while we’re on that line of thought, who’s your favorite Bond girl?”

“
Either the evil SPECTRE agent from Thunderball or Aki from You Only Live Twice.  I like the girls who actually play a solid role in the story.  But Lana Wood was pretty sexy in Diamonds Are Forever, even if the movie itself was sub-par.  She’s definitely my favorite guilty pleasure as far as Bond girls go.”  

“I like Melina in For Your Eyes Onl
y.  Any girl who wields a bow for her weapon of choice gets major points from me.  And that one also has my all-time least favorite Bond girl, the underage blonde nympho figure skater.”

“I dunno
if she was the worst.  I think Jaws’ girlfriend in Moonraker is my least favorite of all-time.  Are you sure you don’t want some popcorn or a soda or anything before the movie starts?”

“Nah, I’m good.  I’m pretty full and I don’t like to
drink anything because I don’t like having to get up during movies.  I hate missing anything.” 

“I’m the same way.  I think the last time I g
ot up during a movie was at The Phantom Menace, when Jar Jar gets himself electrocuted by the pod racer and I got up to get some fresh air.  I needed some relief from his so-called comic relief.”

“See?  What’d I tell you?  You are so Raphael.”

Casino Royale is
well underway, and in a refreshing change of pace the villainous Le Chiffre has kept James Bond alive for a reason as opposed to ultimately dooming himself by not having simply shot Bond when he had the chance.  Le Chiffre needs Bond to give him a password and to encourage Bond’s cooperation has taken to tying Bond to a chair nude and giving him a literal ball busting via a rope knot. 

But Bond’s testicular anguish
is my gain as Sabrina buries her head in my shoulder upon each successive strike, rendering the yawning technique entirely unnecessary.  It’s almost disappointing really, as I can’t help but wonder if I’d have indeed had the fortitude to actually be the initiator of physical contact between us.  Still, I tend to win games of Archon more often when I don’t go first, so perhaps I should be grateful. 

During the car ride back to her home, Sabrina and I agreed that Casino Royale is to James Bond what Batman Begins was to the Dark Knight, and that the franchise is in good hands with Daniel Craig.  Perhaps a Star Trek reboot is not such a horrible idea after all. 

I walk Sabrina up to her porch.
  She gives me a hug, one pleasantly lacking the feeling of platonic-ness. 

“
I had a lot of fun tonight, Ryan,” says Sabrina.  “Thank you for finally asking me out.  I just hope you won’t wait until James Bond returns to ask me out again.”

“
Well, thank you for accepting.  I think you’re a super girl.”  I give Sabrina a quick kiss as if we’ve been together for a long time and I were giving her a simple peck before I left for work for the day.  But I know that isn’t enough.  I wrap my arms around Sabrina and kiss her again, for much longer this time. 

She
’s smiling when I let her go.  “I’m surprised that you kissed me.”      

“Any guy that spent time with you tonight the w
ay I did would want to kiss you when it was time to say goodbye.”

Sabrina
blushes.  “Well, goodbye for tonight.  Maybe you could come by the store on Monday and we can do some more brainstorming on Aquaman’s symbol.”

“I think I’ll take you up on
that.  So goodnight and I’ll see you on Monday.” 

Sabrina waves at me as she closes
the door.  While I have a feeling of satisfaction at having had a successful date, I’m also beginning to feel a bit down now that it’s over.  I remember the first time I ever beat The Legend of Zelda and the feeling of triumph I had over defeating Ganon and rescuing Princess Zelda, but also the melancholy that swept over me as I watched the end credits.  With Link and Zelda together again, the journey was at an end.

But then I found out that the rumors of a second quest were true, that the gam
e wasn’t truly conquered yet after all.  And the second quest was even more of a challenge than the first, with a redesigned overworld and the accursed one-way invisible doors in the dungeons.  If you managed to beat the second quest the game would then loop back to the first.  And it’s just as much fun playing The Legend of Zelda today as it was playing it for the very first time.

I walk ba
ck to my car, looking forward to a second date with Sabrina. 

The
San Diego Comic-Con International 2007 runs from July 26
th
through the 29
th
.  My friends and I all have multi-day passes, and while the trip was expensive, we consider it to be the geeky equivalent of a spring break vacation, a requisite of the college experience.  From its humble beginning in 1970, the San Diego Comic-Con has risen to become the preeminent event for companies to showcase their comic book, science fiction, fantasy, videogame, anime, and all other geek-related franchises to fans.

Perhaps the biggest disappointment of this year
’s convention is the continuing rumor that Warner Bros. will not be premiering a trailer or footage of next year’s The Dark Knight to its legions of Bat-fans, nor will director Christopher Nolan or the cast be making an appearance.  But during our long drive to San Diego, Chris assured us that this lack of a Bat-presence was not an ill omen, that all was right with the sequel and we have nothing to worry about.

Fanboys and
girls have always made their contributions to the Comic-Con through cosplay, and our party is no exception.  I myself am dressed as Link, the left-handed hero.  It was a struggle finding a costume that was more representative of the hero of Hyrule than Mary Martin as Peter Pan, but I’m ultimately happy with my look and to represent the oft-ignored left-handed population.  Complimenting me is my girlfriend Sabrina, striking a fine royal countenance as Princess Zelda.  She sits on the hotel bed giving her pointy ears a final adjustment, our matching pairs having been given to us by her father, leftovers from his Star Trek convention days.

I sit
down next to Sabrina and give her a quick peck followed by an extended kiss, a habit I’ve maintained since our first date eight months ago.

“
Any particular reason for those kisses?” asks Sabrina.  She rests her head on my shoulder.

“They’re just for being my
princess.”  I take Sabrina’s hand.  “You know, my first videogame console was the original Nintendo.  When I got it for my birthday I wasn’t even sure what it was.  But I knew it must be something good because it came in such a big box.  It was bundled with the two-in-one Super Mario Bros. and Duck Hunt cartridge, because back in those days a pack-in game and two controllers were standard issue.

“I didn’t play Super Mario much at first.  I thought it was too hard.  I could bar
ely beat the first stage.  So really I only played Duck Hunt.  I didn’t have the best aim so the dog laughed at me a lot, but it was easier than always facing death by goombas and koopa troopas.  But then one day my older cousin came over and showed me how to play Mario.  He showed me where the invisible block with the 1-up was hidden in the first stage.

“
Seeing that amazed me.  It made me wonder what other secrets were in the game.  So I started playing Mario again.  Eventually I even made it to the first castle.  With the spooky music and lava pits I was sure the castle had to be the last stage, that if I could just beat Bowser I’d have won the game and rescued the princess.

“
But Bowser kept killing me, though.  Either his fire breath would get me or I’d get stomped on.  Then one day I was playing outside at my friend’s house across the street.  His mom and my mom were friends and were supervising us.  My friend also couldn’t beat Bowser, nor could our moms.  Then my dad walked over and told all of us that he’d finally beaten Bowser.  That he’d managed to run underneath him and had gotten to the axe and dropped Bowser into the lava.

“
But then my dad said that wasn’t really the end of the game.  He said that then you go into the next room and find this mushroom guy who thanks you for rescuing him, but that the princess is another castle.  Then the game keeps on going.  I couldn’t believe it.  None of us could.  Bowser was already so hard and that wasn’t even the end of the game.  I got discouraged.  I wondered if I’d ever be able to beat Mario, if I’d ever really rescue the princess.

“It’s just like how I met you
.  I was always looking for my princess but there were so many castles.  And I knew I was the good guy because so many maidens had told me so, told me how sweet I was, but I could never get them to offer me their hands.  There was always a pit of lava I couldn’t cross.  A jump I couldn’t make.  A Bowser standing in the way.  Or an Edward Cullen. 

“
I started believing I’d never find my princess.  That I was just another Jacob Black, another sweet guy destined to be alone.  Like how as a child I thought I’d never make it past world 8-4.  But one day, when I was on my last guy, I dodged Bowser’s hammers, ran underneath him, and dropped the bastard into the lava and finally rescued the princess.  And that’s how I found you in real life.  I was ready to give up, but with my last attempt I found the strength to climb the final rung of Jacob’s Ladder and be with my princess.”

“You’re such a dork,” says Sabrina, who kisses me.  “But that’s why I love you.  And some of us girls have always been on Team Jacob.  Although I’m not sure how
anyone who’s on Team Jacob could possibly have enjoyed those awful Twilight books.  Girl A torn between feelings for Boy A and Boy B is how you do a love triangle.  Obsessive reciprocal devotion between Girl A and Boy A with Boy B hopelessly longing to forcefully create a triangle doesn’t actually make it one.”

“Disdain for Twilight. 
Just one of the many reasons that I love you.”

“Well, get ready to add another reason to your list.  Because
I think I have a title for your novel, too.”

“Oh
, really?  What do you have in mind?”

“What do you think of ‘
Your Princess is in Another Castle’?”

“I like it!  Maybe you can draw me a cover, too.”

“Maybe.  Maybe once you let me actually read the thing.  I am the real-life counterpart of the story’s proverbial princess, after all.  So, I think I have a right to be the first reader.  And I need to make sure you didn’t do any embellishments, like making the fictional me a Power Girl lookalike or something.”

“
Serena’s just as beautiful as you are, Sabrina.  And you can read it as soon as I’m finished.  All I have left now is the ending.”

“
But you already know how it ends.  With the narrator and Serena getting together.  You know, like how we did?”

“Aren’t
you afraid once I finish and Jessica reads it that she’ll realize what she missed out on?  She’s been bugging me about reading it, too.”

“
Oh, please.  She had her chance.  She’s Pauline, and I’m Princess Peach.  She knows that.”

“
Well, all right.  I promise I’ll let you read it first and the second it’s done.  And that will be very soon.”

Sabrina puts her hand on my leg. 
“Good.  Now, what about your other promise?”

“
My other promise?  Oh, that’s right.  I said that at San Diego I was finally going to be ready to let a second player join in with me.”

Sabrina
pushes me down and rolls on top of me.  “Yeah, and I’m ready to press start to play, baby.”

“Right here?”

“Uh, yeah, beds are the traditional venue for this kinda thing, actually.”

I run my hand through Sabrina’s hair.  “
Well, we did just finish putting on our costumes.  But okay, I’m ready.  Just take off your pointy ears.  I don’t want to wind up forever an elf-fetishist because you were wearing them during my first time.”

Sabrina removes her ears and throws them on the floor.  She kisses me.

“I love you,” I say.

“I know,” she says, kissing me again.
  “Now take off my clothes.”

We’re interrupted mid-button removal by
a loud knock on the door.  Sabrina gives me the evil eye, as if I were responsible for summoning this distraction.

“Don’t
answer it,” I say.  “They’ll take the hint and we’ll meet up with them later.”

The knocking becomes louder and faster.  “Come o
n, let’s go!” says the voice of Chris.  “I want to get there in time for the Iron Man movie panel so I can heckle them about how much better the Flash film is going to be.”

Sabrina pres
ses her forehead against mine.  “There isn’t even a Flash film in development.”

“Tell that to him,” I say.

Sabrina reluctantly buttons herself up and opens the door.  “There isn’t going to be any Flash film,” she says, mostly out of sexual frustration but with a touch of disappointment with Warner Bros.

“As soon as
Christopher Nolan finishes up with the Dark Knight, he’ll move on to the Scarlet Speedster,” says Chris.  He’s decked out in full Red Mage costume, complete with red robes, pointed hat, and cane, looking like he could just as easily pass for a pimp at a Las Vegas pimp n’ hoe ball.  “I’m certain of it.  Just like how I’m also certain that Scarlett Johansson will be playing Poison Ivy in Nolan’s third bat-film.  He directed her in The Prestige and he’s a heterosexual male, so it’s inevitable that he’ll eventually make the Ivy/Scarlett connection.

“Actually, that’d be prett
y good casting,” says Sabrina.

“It sure would,” I say.

“What happened to your ears?” asks Seth, looking at Sabrina.  He’s dressed as Albert Wesker circa Resident Evil 4, sporting a long black coat, shades, and spiky blonde hair.  Seth spots Sabrina’s ears on the floor and smiles.  “Chris, I think we may have just sabotaged an attempt at fornication.”

“Oh, hey, we can meet up with you two later
,” says Chris.  “I mean, you might expect some cockblocking from the Thief class, but the Red Mage would hate to be responsible for preventing coitus.  If the White and Black Mages are hooking up and need the tent to themselves for the night, then the Red Mage will just step outside and practice chanting some spells and swinging his sword.”

“That’s quite all right,” says a blushing Sabrina.

“We were just getting ready to leave,” I say.  I recover Sabrina’s ears and place them upon her.  “Tonight,” I whisper.

Sabrina
smiles at me.  “Tonight,” she whispers back.

“
So where’s Jimmy?” I ask.

“Jimmy’s
actually got a room a few floors up,” says Chris.  “We’re meeting him next.”

“Okay,
beloved,” says Sabrina wrapping her arm around mine, “ready to escort me while we travel along with these ruffians?  Not that I’m not perfectly capable of taking care of business myself.”

“I’ve seen Zelda in
action,” says Seth.  “In Zelda’s Adventure for the CD-i.  It wasn’t a pretty sight.”

“You’ve probably only ever seen the
cutscenes,” I say.  “Those CD-i games are decent if you can look beyond the cutscenes.”

“I like that Sabrina’s taken to using the same pe
t name for you, Ryan, that Talia calls Batman,” says Chris.  “And I’d love to see Talia in a Nolan bat-film, too.  And she’d have to call Batman her beloved, of course.  If she doesn’t call Batman beloved, doesn’t love him, doesn’t care about him, if she’s just Ra’s al Ghul the Second or something, well then you’re not really using the Talia character, are you?  You may as well just call her Amy, then.  Amy al Ghul.  Because she certainly wouldn’t be Talia.  But remember fanboys and girls, Nolan knows what he’s doing, so if we see Talia, we’ll see her done right.  Now, let’s go pick up our final party member. ”

We pass a
gorgeous cosplayer dressed as Felicia in the hallway as we head for Jimmy’s room.  Acknowledging us as fellow costumed conventioneers, Felicia gives us a wave with her cat’s paw.  Chris winks at me as she passes, prompting a curious look from Sabrina, while Seth turns to stare at Felicia’s ass as she walks away.

Jimmy opens his hotel room
door and is dressed as the Witch-king of Angmar, Lord of the Nazgul.

“Before anyone says anything,
” says Seth, “I just want to confirm that you did in fact just have sex with that girl dressed as Felicia.”

“
If you must know,” says Jimmy, “as a matter of fact, I did.”

“
Excellent,” says Seth.  “I won’t make a joke then about how you look more like the Ghost of Christmas Future then one of the Nazgul.”

“That’s f
unny,” says Jimmy.  “So, Wesker, Red Mage, Link, it’s good to see you all again.”  Jimmy kneels and kisses Sabrina’s hand, an out of character act of chivalry for a Ringwraith.  “And you must be Princess Zelda.  I apologize for the crassness of your companion.”

“I’m used to that and worse
,” says Sabrina.  “But it’s nice to meet you, Jimmy.”

“
Good to see you, Jimmy,” I say.  “And you’re pretty noble for a Nazgul.”

“Well, they were kings of men once
before they were corrupted by Sauron,” says Jimmy.

“A pleasure as always, Jimmy,” says Chris.
  “And I’m glad to see that your con tradition still stands.”

“Yes, well,
” says Jimmy, “I started talking to an Elder Scrolls series fan recently on Facebook who always plays as a Khajiit and has several pet cats, so that tradition may be ending soon, with a little bit of luck.  How about you?  Are you still seeing Samantha Anderson?”