Your Princess is in Another Castle (34 page)

I decide to spare Sabrina an honest accounting
of the events leading up to my asking her out.  “Well, you left me with little choice.  I just gave up on thinking you were going to ask me out.”  That sounds much saner than the truth. 

“You were right
to give up on that idea.  I wasn’t going to.”

“Why not?”

“Chris asked me not to.  He said that you having to ask me out would be a good experience for you.  One that you needed.  So, I agreed I wouldn’t.  And I think Chris was right given how much resistance you put forth.  But I’m also kind of a shy gal myself.  I’m glad you did finally ask me out, though.”

“I can’t believe Chris did
something that.”

“You can’t?  Seems just like the kinda thing he’d do to me.”

“Well, I’ll have to let him know how grateful I am he did that the next time I see him.  But how come you’re so shy, though?  You must realize how in-demand beautiful geeky girls are.  We male nerds suffer from the same female deficit that all the guys up in Alaska do.”

Sabrina blushe
s.  “Well, I do get flirted with a lot at work, yeah.  But most of the time the guy is neither as charming nor as cute as you are.  And I wasn’t always the adorable angel I am now.  I was pretty gawky looking back in high school, and I don’t mean in an Ugly Betty lose the glasses, braces, and get a different haircut and suddenly you become the hottest girl in school way, either.  I got teased a lot.  And I was very meek and bookish so I didn’t even have many fellow nerd friends.”

“I wasn’t very popular in scho
ol, either.  Except for two brief instances in seventh grade and my junior year of high school.”

“Oh
, yeah?  What were those?”

“Well, in seventh
grade my entire junior high school experienced a month long intense fascination with pogs.”

“Those milk cap
-like things?” 

“Yeah, those. 
I don’t remember what started it, but suddenly pogs became all the rage at school, so much so that they transcended all social groups and forged an unholy alliance between jock and nerd alike, and we played each other with total impunity.”

“I remember pogs being big for awhile.  In fa
ct, I can remember getting some Happy Meals that had Power Ranger pogs as the featured toy.”

“Yes, but it wasn’t just Power Rangers, there we
re also Happy Meal pogs from the much less popular series VR Troopers.  So, the gist of the game you played with pogs was you and your opponent would make stacks of the cardboard pogs and then take turns dropping your slammer, which was a special kind of heavier pog made of rubber or plastic, down onto the cardboard stacks of pogs to scatter them, with the player keeping any that landed face-up on his turn. 

“
I became quite popular because during my previous summer vacation, I had visited a comic book store where I purchased some pogs and a unique metal slammer that I was told was illegal to use in formal tournaments.  So, I was in to pogs back before they became popular, and my possession of an illegal slammer gave me some notoriety as the kid to beat at school.  And I also took on a few apprentices, so all of a sudden I found myself training the popular guys wearing Coed Naked and No Fear t-shirts on how to play pogs.

“
All was well until a few bad sports lost some games and they threw all their opponents’ pogs into the air out of frustration.  All the other kids then started grabbing them in what our school administration dubbed pog riots.  So it didn’t take long before pogs were banned from our school altogether.  And after about a month of having to play in the shadows all the jocks lost interest in them, and Magic: The Gathering was just hitting its stride with the geek crowd, so pogs disappeared, along with my popularity.”

“I can totally p
icture the junior high you standing atop a pile of slain opponents, triumphantly holding up your illegal slammer.  That’d make for a great Frank Frazetta painting.”

I laugh.  “That
would have, for my illegal slammer was awesome.  It was the color of gold.  It was beautiful.  I still have it.  I keep it as a memento of my days at the top of the junior high school hierarchy.” 

“
So, how’d you become popular again in high school?”

“Dragon Ball Z
.  It had been airing awhile in syndication, but it really took off after it started airing on Cartoon Network.  Then DBZ hit the mainstream and once again there was something that brought jocks and nerds together.  You had star athletes wearing the same Vegeta t-shirts as geeks.  I became popular again because I had some bootleg tapes of uncensored Japanese episodes that hadn’t been aired yet in the USA, so I was able to give people early glimpses of Goku transforming into a super Saiyan and the arrival of Trunks.  But like with pogs, Dragon Ball Z was a mainstream fad.  And other anime series like Neon Genesis Evangelion couldn’t be expected to hold the interest of jocks.”

“I remember
when DBZ hit the mainstream.  It makes sense what with all the action it had.  But you’re right, some franchises are destined not to be in the mainstream.  And the Neon Genesis Evangelion anime is one of them.  I’d hate for there to be a live-action Americanized Evangelion movie.  I think Star Trek is another franchise that can’t be mainstreamed.  Although, I’ve heard rumors about a new movie that will feature young versions of the original crew that’s supposed to be an edgy new take on the franchise that will supposedly appeal to the masses.  You know, that
this ain’t your daddy’s Star Trek
type nonsense.  I can’t say I see such a concept actually working.”

“Me neither.  But that’s good, though.  It gives us
a movie we can not see together on opening night and instead we can just watch Wrath of Khan again.”

“Not seeing the new Trek together sounds like a fine choice for a future date.
”  Sabrina rests her chin on her hands.  “So, now I want you to tell me something that you really hate.  And it can’t be comic book, videogame, or George Lucas related.”

“Well, that
pretty much rules out most of the answers I could give that could be turned into impassioned speeches.  Although there is one thing, though.  Dolphins.  I’ve always hated dolphins.”

Sabrina looks at me in horror
like I just deliberately hurled a mint condition copy of Action Comics #1 into a tar pit.  “But dolphins are like the teddy bears of the sea.  How can you hate them?  I mean what are you, a Care Bears villain?  Do you just hate cuddliness in all its forms and want it wiped off the face of the Earth?”

“I
knew I shouldn’t have said that.  You’re a girl.  Girls love dolphins.”

“
Well, of course.  I went through the same phase of wanting to be a marine biologist just like every other little girl does.  And dolphins are so cute. And friendly.  Everybody loves dolphins.  You’d better have a pretty compelling reason for harboring such hatred for them.”  Sabrina folds her arms in contempt, awaiting an acceptable response from me.

“I do have
a reason.  And it’s precisely what you just said.  Everybody loves dolphins.  They’re the most overrated creatures on Earth.  Now, don’t get me wrong.  They are cute.  And I loved Ecco the Dolphin, but come on.  Every can of tuna fish you buy always says that it’s dolphin safe.  But why?  Why are tuna considered expendable and dolphins not?  Oh, well, it’s because dolphins are cuter and smarter, of course.  So, why don’t we just install a giant fence on the ocean floor permanently segregating dolphins and tuna like it’s an undersea Auschwitz? 

“
Now, whales I understand.  A lot of species of whale are endangered.  So, I get why they’re protected.  But it just sickens me that the same person who would go into a Red Lobster and hungrily stare at the lobster tank, deciding the fate of the lobsters within with the same level of indifference as a Roman Emperor deciding the fate of a felled gladiator with but a gesture of his thumb would look at me like I was a murderer if I dared to order a dolphin entrée.”

Sabrina gives me a puzzled expression, wonde
ring just how serious I’m being while also perhaps fondly remembering a once adored trapper-keeper with a dolphin on it from her schoolgirl days.  “Okay, well, I can see how you might be a little irked at the preferential treatment dolphins receive over other aquatic life.  But there has to be more to it than that.  Were you viciously attacked by a school of rogue bottlenoses during your first swim in the ocean or something?”

“I may have experienced a childhoo
d trauma venturing into the ocean blue that involved a certain aquatic mammal that forever altered my view of their species.”

“
Well, if you did have a run-in with some dolphin brutes, it’s a shame that Aquaman wasn’t there to help you.  That would’ve been one of the few times he’d have really been useful.  He could have called them off.”

“You know, I realize
that Aquaman gets a lot of hate.  His portrayal on Super Friends and his powers make him an easy target.  Cartoon Network, even comics fans, they all make fun of him.  They act like Aquaman’s useless out of the water.  But he’s not.  He has superhuman strength and his abilities aren’t dependant upon his proximity to water. 

“
And of course, there’s also the old joke that Superman can do everything everyone else on the Justice League can do and more.  But Superman is still just one man.  And if he’s battling Darkseid on Apokolips or visiting the bottle city of Kandor, then you’re just gonna have to do without Superman for awhile.   

“
And just how cool would someone like Spider-Man be outside of his preferred big city environment with no skyscrapers he can use to websling off of?  What if he were in the Great Plains?  Or the desert?  Yeah, Spidey is still superhumanly strong, but so is Aquaman.  So Aquaman gets a bad rap.  He’s the victim of popular culture’s self-fulfilling prophecy that he’s worthless.  I doubt most people who bash him have ever even read an Aquaman story, anyway.  I admit that I used to be like that.  But then I gave Aquaman a chance.  And I realized that he stands on equal ground with the rest of DC’s finest.”

“I’ve never really thought about Aquaman like
that before,” admits Sabrina.  “Perhaps I’ve been too hard on him.  Maybe everyone has.  Maybe he does deserve some recognition.  Unfortunately, his name has also been tarnished by some pretty lousy merchandising.  They made an Aquaman game for the Gamecube and X-Box and it was terrible.  It got some of the worst reviews ever and further solidified Aquaman as a joke character.”

“That’s true
, but it’s not like Superman’s track record in videogames has been all that super, either.  Shall I describe the flaws, both graphical and mechanical, of Superman 64 for you?”

“Touché. 
You know, I think maybe one problem with Aquaman is that he doesn’t really have a symbol.  Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, the Flash, Green Lantern, they all have their iconic emblems.  But Aquaman doesn’t have one.  Neither does Martian Manhunter, and just how popular is he?” 

“Aquaman
is definitely lacking iconic imagery.  He does have the
A
on his belt, but that’s neither particularly distinct nor inspiring.”

“Yeah, definitely not unique, because Apocalypse sports an
A
on his waist as well.  And certainly not inspiring.  You don’t see people wearing t-shirts with Aquaman’s
A
on them.  And I know firsthand from working in a comic book store that more people buy t-shirts depicting their favorite hero’s symbol than shirts that depict the hero themselves.”

“True. 
And the only Aquaman shirts I’ve ever seen have been of his cartoonish depiction on Super Friends.  And you wear one of those not because you like Aquaman, but rather because you’re reveling in Aquaman’s perceived lameness.”

“Exactly!  So Aquaman just needs some good ol
d-fashioned PR.  With the right symbol to market him with he’d stop being the butt of jokes and become someone whose apparel you’d wear without any ironic value.”

“But what should the symbol
be?”       

“
Hmm.  Well, seahorses are out.  Too Super Friends.”

“
What about Aquaman’s trident?”

“Possibility. 
There’s a Poseidon precedent there.  All those Greek and Roman sculptures of Poseidon’s chiseled god-arm wielding a trident prove that the trident appeals to the he-men out there.  And I’m not seeing any other options.”

“Well, we should draw up some sketches and w
hen we decide on one we can put it on a t-shirt you can wear while you work.  When people start asking about which character has that cool trident symbol you can then direct them to the Aquaman comics.”

“Since I study graphic design
, making Aquaman a symbol would be a good challenge for me.  And who knows, maybe DC will even catch of word of it and we’ll be singlehandedly responsible for putting our Atlantean friend on the map.  Start a renaissance for Aquaman.  An Aquaissance, if you will.”

“I’d just like it if people stopped making fun of him
.  I don’t know if we’d ever be able to make him outsell Superman or anything that grandiose.”